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Bushell On The Box

Bushell On The Box 2008

JAN 3, 2009. IT was the year of economic meltdown, answer machine madness and John Sergeant, the Lard of the Dance. Nature programmes sparkled, with terrific footage of Titus the gorilla. Many viewers were moved to tears by the sight of a dumb, primitive creature struggling to keep control of their pitiful existence. But enough about Kerry Katona on This Morning… To find out who was hot and rot in 2008, here are the only Baftas that matter – the Bushell Awards for Telly Achievement.

Fraud of the Year: The Pregnant Man. It wasn’t a man. It was a bird with no boobs. Or to use the scientific term, a Trinny.

Most Over-exposed Buffoon: John Barrowman. Even when you switch off your set his face is still on it.

Best New Drama: Mad Men. 1960, and for New York ad-men the world was “like one big brassiere strap waiting to be snapped.”

Best drama: The Sopranos and The Wire (also saddest farewells). Runners-up: Spooks, Brotherhood, He Kills Coppers, Boston Legal.

Worst Drama: Bonekickers. Runner-up: Rock Rivals.

Best Sitcom: Gavin & Stacey. Runners-up: Benidorm, Moving Wallpaper, Outnumbered, 30Rock. Worst Sitcom: Coming Of Age. Runners-up: Clone, Lab Rats – science affliction. Hardest TV comic: Frankie Boyle. Worst alleged comic: Keith Lemon – what a plum. Emperor’s New Clothes award: Little Britain USA. Undisputed King of TV Comedy: Harry Hill.

Top Bitch: hard-faced lantern-jawed Jenny Celerier (The Apprentice).

Top reality show: The Apprentice. Worst: Celeb Air – Terminal Bore. Top Reality Contender: Lee McQueen (The Apprentice). Worst: camel-faced psychopath Alexandra (BB9)

Karen Matthews Soap Mum Of The Year Award: Jackie Dobbs (Corrie). Runner-up: Teresa Morton. Worst soap plot: Minty and Heather’s marriage (EastEnders). Runner-up: Alex/Ryan mix-up (Corrie). Maddest soap story: Max the Mekon buried alive (Enders). Runner-up: Rosie Webster held hostage for no apparent reason (Corrie). Top soap actor: Perry Fenwick. Best soap character: Becky (Corrie). Top soap newcomer: Archie Mitchell. Worst: Christian (Enders) – he over-acts, over-laughs, gurns and whinnies like a horse. Top soap villain: Mad Dr May (Enders). Top soap: Hollyoaks.

Worst yoof TV: Phoo Action – so bad it induced an allergic reaction: Phoo Cough.

Sexiest sci-fi star: Tricia Helfer. Top sci-fi booking: Davina (Dead Set). Worst: Catherine Tate (Doctor Who).

Biggest Let-down: Ashes To Ashes.

Top new actress: January Jones (Mad Men); Georgia Moffett (Doctor Who)

Worst Documentary: Sex-Change Soldier – traumatic dress disorder…

Top TV Names: US colon specialist, Anil Ram. Rachel Fuchs, sex therapist. US Olympic reserve Destinee Hooker (Janine Butcher’s childhood nickname…).

Top Lookalike: Tony, ’Enders paedo, and Cartoon Head (Ideal).

Top sex scandal: Max Mosley. His private life became a boon for comedians – this wasn’t just sex, it was S&M sex. Daftest news story: the men’s pants row – Paxman came out swinging.

Best chat: Graham Norton. Worst: Lily Allen. Maddest catchphrase: “Bring on the wall!” – Dale Winton. Worst catchphrase: “Don’t mess with me, I’m an archaeologist” – Bonekickers. Maddest TV Moment: Bonkers Britain (Noel’s HQ)

Worst presenter in a packed field: Zezi Ifore.

Top irritant: BBC business bod Robert Peston, the Dalek-voiced harbinger of doom. Top Hypocrite: John Prescott driving around in his jag or relaxing in his mansion after ten years in power and moaning about how he’d been held back by class system.

TV Event of the Year: The Olympics. TV Non-event: Big Brother Celebrity Hi-jack Woman of the Year: Rebecca Addlington. Man of the Year: Gene Hunt. Book of the Year: Kill Your Friends, by John Niven. Film of the Year: The Dark Knight. CD of the Year (US): Come All You Madmen, The Briggs. (UK) Glasvegas: Glasvegas.

Star of the Year: Michael McIntyre.

* IRRITATIONS of 2008: BBC1’s baffling belief that we want to “see it in” with no-talent Nick Knowles. BBC2’s patronising White season. ‘Colour-blind’ casting turning sixth century England into a United Colours of Beniton ad. Cross-eyed pillock Evan Davies. Ludicrous TV ‘psychic’ shows – give up the ghost! Bex’ Shiner, Big Brother’s squawking nuisance, continuing to get TV bookings. Why? Her face doesn’t fit anywhere. Look at the size of it.

* JOYS of 2008: Lee McQueen’s reverse pterodactyl (The Apprentice). Beer fairies (The Wrong Door). The Eels song (Mighty Boosh). Vernon’s ‘Mason’s Arms’ song (Corrie). Tony Gordon’s mad eye. And Raef (The Apprentice) - so posh he made Brian Sewell seem like an Asbo chav.

Jan 2. OK, which of the fellas on Celeb Big Brother will end up fathering Ulrika's fifth kid? They haven’t paid her £175k to predict the weather. Let’s hope it’s Little Verne, a man who could have a lock-in in a hotel mini-bar. Coolio is a great booking, but the rest of the field almost make you pine for Timmy Mallett. La Toya’s girly voice and cartoon laugh could drive the Dalai Lama to terrorism. Mutya, short for Munter, looks like she fell into a pin cushion, and then ate the cushion. Then there’s Tommy Sheridan: orange-glowing Scottish Trot with feet of clay; infamous only for his alleged sex-life. Bound to clash with tasty Tory pin-up Lucy Pinder, who says she’s “famous for my boobs” but not in the George Bush sense. Michelle Heaton, micro-celebrity drunkard. Motormouth Terry Christian; one Christian who proves the Romans had a point. Ben something or other who is frankly too dull to mention. Tina Malone, who says she’s “fat and funny” – we’ll be the judge of that. Tina is also OCD (you Only Could Drunk). And Ulrika, one of the country’s leading pro-celebrity slappers. E4 joked that’s she’s had more celebs inside her than the Big Brother house – which is unkind but precisely why they booked her. CBB needs flirtation, rows, melt-downs and pricked pomposity to keep us watching. So far, so so. Verne to win! The bookies have given him a short price…

* TRAGIC news on Corrie, Auntie Pam’s chip oil exploded and sadly the old ham survived. Even worse, Jackie ‘The Gob’ Dobbs is back and as welcome as Middle East war. This selfish, manipulative boiler is what passes for a character in today’s soaps. The Street is losing the plot, big time. The cab firm shut on the busiest night of the year, which is about as likely as anyone wasting time with bio-diesel when pump prices are plummeting. But it’s still easier to believe than Lloyd’s new-found lust for Liz McDonald. How does that work? Does she remind him of something that crawled out from behind a rock on Red Dwarf? Lloyd might have swerved dazzling air-head Danielle for an interesting mature woman (although most men would have bedded her first). But this isn’t an interesting mature woman. It’s Liz McDonald, scrag-end of mutton; Bugs Bunny’s randy granny. Tyrone putting up with moaning Molly is equally puzzling. Weatherfield is plagued with weak gutless men and monstrous, self-centred slappers. The only love affair that makes sense is Peter Barlow’s devotion to Jack Daniels.

* SEAN Slater came up with a great new game for New Year’s Day: Dancing With Death On Ice. The cops couldn’t get there to help - they were on the phone to Lusardi. But mercifully, baby Amy survived Sean’s sick suicide scheme. Considering her likely fate growing up in Walford, it would probably have qualified as a mercy killing. Poor mite. Amy wasn’t really born premature; it was an attempted prison break.

* TA to EastEnders for showing us exactly how drunk you’d need to be to fancy hefty Heather – one shot short of catalepsy.

* OK, Brad thinks Nasty Nick is going to fleece Dot, again, so he moves out? That’s as likely as Max sprinting up stairs just eight weeks after getting run down.

* AFTER scientists find the Higgs Boson, can they get round to working out how four adults, two teenagers and two kids are living in Fat Pat’s three bedroom house with only the kids sharing and no-one kipping on the settee.

HOT on TV: World’s Strongest Man…Jonathan Creek – murder most magical…the Shooting Stars retro…Top Gear Vietnam Special…Prog Rock Britannia (BBC4) – the ascension of pretension.

ROT on TV: Sean Slater’s departure (Enders) – what an ice-hole…Tony Robinson & the Blitz Witch – the ghosts with the least…The 39 Steps - inducing the 40 winks…Margi Clarke (Corrie) …and casting on all-new Shooting Stars – Christine Walkden? That’s not ironic; that’s just chronic.

* SEPARATED at birth: young Dotty Cotton in EastEnders and Samara in The Ring, one an evil portent of misery, the other a character in a horror movie.

* LINDA Lusardi dialled 999 from a traffic jam en route to panto. It’s not the first time she’s phoned in her performance.

* ON the World’s Strongest Man, Nick Halling revealed that Stefan Peterson was “in the lead with four fingers in an impressive 28 seconds.” Although I suspect he could beat that if he dated Shirley Carter.

* LOVED the Shooting Stars retro, especially George Dawes – “thank you, baked potato.” But the new version was directed as badly as it was booked. Nice touches from Vic & Bob (the paper bag head, the edible shoe.) Shame they’ve turned in to their dads, though.

. * REASONS to be cheerful: terrific returning shows Mad Men, The Shield, 30Rock, 24, The Fixer, Boston Legal and Lost. ITV’s take on Law & Order is coming. Plus, starting Jan 25 on FX, Generation Kill a grown-up look at the Iraq war from the men behind The Wire.

* WHY the fuss about Gerrard? Rafa said he wanted a more attacking side. He’ll be on the wing this year. C wing.

Dec 27. ROWS, hatred, blackmail, baby-snatching, attempted murder …that’s how it was in Soapland last week. Merry Christmas! EastEnders had the best tear-up, as Suzy the Floozy helped the Mitchells enjoy their traditional Yuletide misery. Ben was “obviously conceived with a weak sperm,” the sozzled gold-digger sneered. Peggy was “Walford’s very own poisonous button mushroom” and Ronnie was dismissed as “old vinegar lips.” (Fair comment, frankly.) As a parting shot, Suzy left Amy’s paternity test results in Sean’s Xmas cracker; which was some punch-line. And if he thinks he’s angry off now, wait till he gets her STD results through…

Over on Corrie, Pop-Eyed Tony thought he’d strangled Jed to death with Carla’s negligee – just a Satsuma short of an MP’s fantasy. If he’d used Eileen’s he could have taken out half the street. The ‘corpse’ came back to life on Xmas Day, so Tony had to truss him up like a Boy George house guest. Corrie had passion too. At dinnertime, Steve MacDonald had the breast, the thigh…and then went home to eat. The only things open in Weatherfield were Roy’s Rolls and Becky’s legs.

Festive joy was in short supply all round. Emmerdale had a corpse in the lake. Although I did laugh when Corrie’s Joe started pelting the Windasses with Scotch eggs. (Nice going son, take anything from the top shelf…) Enders’ attempts at pulling heart-strings were particularly woeful. Why were we supposed to feel sorry for Shirl and her thieving layabout pals? They’re all adults; they work – if they hadn’t bothered to buy a turkey, that’s their look-out. And as for Ian as Ebenezer (again), of all the countless TV rip-offs of A Christmas Carol, this was the least convincing. And that includes the Bugs Bunny version.

On Boxing Day Shirley burnt Phil’s £10K – cos that’s what hard-up people do… Only someone who had never gone without could have such low regard for money as the EastEnders writers. The soap’s ‘tradition’ of Xmas despair only exists because they lack the skill to craft uplifting, life-affirming storylines. Letting gloom-obsessed soap operas dominate this special day makes as much sense as letting the Taliban run our pubs.

* SEAN was only the second unluckiest man in Walford. The most unlucky was Billy. On Wednesday he got snogged by Heather. Talk about The Fright Before Christmas…

* LLOYD is about to pull Liz on Corrie. Didn’t he get in trouble before for chasing the dragon?

* WHAT do we want from Christmas telly? Laughs! But as TV has turned its back on family entertainers, mainstream comedy hits are few and far between. Even the once-reliable Royle Family stank like Jim Royle’s drool-splattered whiskers. Congratulations then to Gavin & Stacey, a sitcom that manages to be likeable, believable, sweet and funny. It’s built on culture clashes between South Wales and Essex. Gav & Stace are completely upstaged by best mates Nessa and Smithy. And Rob Brydon sparkles as the easily-impressed Uncle Bryn, this time beguiled by the simple delight of mint Baileys. Highlights: Nessa asking: “Stace, will you do my back? The razor’s by the sink.” And Pete punching Dave Coaches. Oi Pete, no, you’re supposed to deck the halls, not the house guests.

* THE Royle Family special was weaker than a window-dresser’s handshake. It’s always good to see Jim Royle, but even by this show’s standards nothing much happened. The un-defrosted turkey has been a sitcom staple for decades and the new characters were charmless caricatures. The jokes – the “flame-retarded” sofa, “5p for a carrier bag” and “Bar-barer” - were thinner than Jim will ever be. The only genuinely funny line, “it’s not a day for kids really, Christmas, is it?” had been done to death in the trailers.

* LET’S be charitable about Doctor Who. It looked fantastic – the perfect Victorian Christmas setting, complete with snow, street urchins and, erh, Cybermen. Sadly the story was pants. For unexplained reasons the clunking Cyber-berks had teamed up with a demented 1850s feminist (Miss Hartigan) who just happened to have, uniquely, a brain beyond their control. For unexplained reasons (BBC marketing?) they’d turned dogs into Cyber-shades. David Morrissey thought he was Doctor Who but wasn’t – he’d just absorbed Who history from an info-tube, which he also somehow (cue garbled explanation) used to blow up Cybermen. A vicar was killed so Hartigan could lure workhouse bosses to the funeral in order to take over their brains and make orphans work in their cyber-factory – though adult males would have been more efficient. For more unexplained reasons, the Cybermen needed Hartigan to run a Cyber-King (a giant robot-shaped spaceship that lurched over buildings like the Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters.) The Doc used a hot air balloon (powered by Russell T’s windy rhetoric?) to make her see what she’d become. She then killed the Cyber-clots and herself by screaming. Great if you’re eight, not so thrilling for genuine sci-fi fans.

* SO orphans snatched by Cybermen. Scary. But it could have been worse, it could have been Madonna.

HOT on TV: Gavin & Stacey – tidy…Wallace & Gromit…Harry Hill…Lead Balloon…Rab C. Nesbitt…John Adams…and Crooked House – scarier than Blanche Hunt naked.

ROT on TV: Clash Of The Santas – contrived, cringe-worthy cack, about as funny as an empty stocking…Holby Silly…Royle Family – biggest wash-out since the 2007 floods…Caught In A Trap – Caught In Some Crap more like…and After You’ve Gone – as much fun as the Zavvi Xmas party.

* THIS year’s soap Xmas carols: (Good King Wenceslas) Becky Granger dropped her drawers with that naughty Steven/In a grotty cab office, his buttocks were heavin’/Brightly shone his balding head, her ear-rings did glisten/Who’s that coming to the door? Michelle for a lis-is-sten…

* Peter the red-nosed Barlow/Will be in a clinic soon.

* On the first day of Christmas, Sean Slater read to me/Details of Amy’s paternity…

* How Great Thou Arse (Heather)

* Deck the halls with Amy’s test results/Jack’s the Daddy ha-ha-ha!

* CHEEKY Channel 4 let President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran do their alternative Christmas message. What wags, eh? Presumably Robert Mugabe was unavailable. C4 claim that by giving a platform to the despotic weasel they are flying the flag for free speech; although the only reason they did it was to appear rebellious and kick up a stink. Ahmanutjob is diametrically opposed to everything the sinking channel believes in, but if he upsets middle England, job done. It really is as adolescent as that. It’s just as well they weren’t broadcasting in the 1930s or we’d have got kindly old Adolf patting dogs and kissing babies. It’s not that there aren’t decent causes worthy of alternative Xmas air-time – old folk dying from hypothermia, the jobless, the homeless, our crumbling economy, our dying high streets…What Britain needs more than anything is a genuine alternative to Brown-Cameron, the EU and the chattering classes – as represented by the publicly-subsidised, useless amoral tosspots of Channel 4.

* TOM didn’t deserve to win Strictly. Rachel was by far the best dancer. Even Mugabe reckons the votes were fixed. BBC1’s biggest LE show is as shoddy as its tatty set. The voting system is ridiculous, the direction poor and Bruce’s garbled explanations were nearly as dire as his jokes (which in turn were as flat as Arlene Phillips’s forehead). Still, never mind Rachel. Arlene wasn’t the only one entranced by your smooth opening.

* CROOKED House gave us three ghost stories revolving around a door knocker older than Bruce Forsyth (if not his jokes). Written by Mark Gatiss, these spooky tales recalled the BBC’s old M.R. James Xmas tradition. The bride who stabbed out her own eyes could have been Janine Butcher if her honeymoon with that old codger had gone ahead.

* SMALL joys of Xmas TV: “Merry Christmas ma” – Nasty Nick’s return (Enders) Boozy Suzy’s Xmas dinner outburst – operation dessert storm; shame she didn’t do a double act with Aunt Sal. Sid Waddell. Darts dish Nicola Moriarty. Stanley Baxter clips. Noel’s Xmas Presents. And Rab C Nesbitt – what says Christmas more than a bad-tempered alcoholic in a grotty string vest?

* RANDOM Xmas irritations: special editions of shows that aren’t special to begin with (Charlotte Church, Celeb Ding Dong)…the same old cack with tinsel. Griff Rhys Jones ruining It’ll Be All Right On The Night. And Noddy Holder’s Top Xmas 40 songs ranking the Pogues lower than Mr Blobby. Gertcha.

* MYSTERIES: how does Deirdre Barlow get thru Xmas without someone trying to baste her turkey neck? If it’s For One Night Only, why was Milton Jones on twice? And is Roxy Mitchell taking ugly pills? Doesn’t she look rough! Someone call Narnia and see if they’re missing a witch.

* SEPARATED at birth: Corrie’s Tara and a wide-mouthed frog; one a simple, ground-dwelling creature with an over-sized gob, the other one a frog.

* NOT much God in the Christmas schedules, was there? Kids watching telly would be forgiving for thinking the true meaning of Xmas is dysfunctional families and royalties for Leonard Cohen.

* NIALL Ferguson dubbed China and America “Chimerica”. Who writes his script? Peter Andre?

* “KING Scum” said the graffiti on the Kings’ place in Emmerdale. Except the ‘S’ was on the front door, so when that was open, all we saw was “King Cum”…which I believe is Russell Brand’s nickname.

* TOP Xmas irony: the Gavin & Stacey cast discussing EastEnders and not mentioning that Mick (Larry Lamb) is in it and Edna (Edna Doré) was Frank Butcher’s Mum.

* XMAS wishes for 2009: 1) Dr Who writers to put substance over style 2) No more re-workings of Scrooge. 3) Specials for popular comedians, with decent writers. If we can revive Top Of The Pops, why not family entertainment? We need big comedy shows to replace Eric & Ernie and The Two Ronnies.

* HOT NOT on TV: Brian Conley as Buttons (Nottingham), Bradley Walsh as Wishee Washee (Woking), Joe Pasquale as Smee (Dartford), Tucker as Buttons (Bromley).

* ROLAND Rivron claimed “no one was laughing at mainstream comics in the 80s.” What? Not Les Dawson, Dick Emery or Tommy Cooper? How many videos was Davidson selling back then? A lot more than have ever watched Rivron.

Dec 20. THIS may sound like a mad idea, but why doesn’t the Royal Variety Show try featuring some variety one year? At the moment it’s a glorified pop concert with a few token comics, a dollop of show-tunes and far too many ugly blokes in drag. The Royal used to mean something. Now it’s a clapped-out bore, recycling the same faces year in year out. Tarby was on in 2007, doing identical whiskery gags. Take That and Barrowman appeared in 2006. Cliff, who was diabolical, did it in ’05. Laziness and complacency run like yellow streaks through the smug offices of BBC1 entertainment. The production was laboured, the bookings baffling. Why have the Lion King – it’s been running in West End for nine years. And who gives a Zzzz about Zorro? Emma Williams has a terrific voice, but Zorro himself was one big zero.

The only surprise of the night was that Barrowman kept it in his trousers.

And of course being the Beeb, if they can’t make it good they’ll make it gay. We had blokes as ballerinas, Norton in a dress, and a piss-poor version of La Cage Aux Folles closing the show. Does producer Dominic Smith really thinks Douglas Hodge is a worthy successor to showbiz gods like Bassey and Sammy Davis Junior? The original West End show starred the excellent Denis Quilley. You didn’t realise the glamorous women were men until they took off their wigs. This lot looked like dockers in drag It was the worst finale ever.

Elsewhere disappointment reigned. Jimmy Carr, whose delivery is unleavened by warmth, struggled with the audience, just like he did in ’04. Armstrong & Miller bombed. Corden & Horne were plain embarrassing. As comedy double acts go, these boys are LIDL and Lard. And Rihanna, who was dressed like a Zorro extra, had the charisma of cold paella. I’m bored with Geraldine too – if only Peter Kay had been McQueen for a night instead of dragging the joke on and on. The Royal Command needs a producer who understands variety, a genuinely varied bill, a major headline act and an entertainer like Brian Conley at the helm to drive the show. As it stands, the Royal is a disgrace. Either scrap it or give it to people who know what they’re doing.

* MY dream Royal bill: Neil Diamond, Robin Williams, Lance Burton, Joe Longthorne, Faith Hill, MGMT (with acrobats), Adrian Walsh, Mick Miller, vent Terry Fator, Green Day, Paul Zenon, the Blackpool Tower circus acts, juggler Steve Rawlings, Chris Brown, Lewis Black, the Grumbleweeds, Johnnie Casson…

But we'll probably get the Brokeback Mountaineers...

* JANINE Butcher tried to marry a trainee corpse on EastEnders. Using the altar ego Judith Bernstein she conned some old schmuck into a synagogue wedding – until Fat Pat scuppered it. Why, Pat? It would never have been consummated. The groom looked like he’d have spent the honeymoon getting out of the car. He was so old he’d need Viagra to raise his hand. He must have gone to school with Moses. The up-shot? Murderess and renowned ceiling inspector Janine is back in Walford. Yippee! She’s a real girl next door type. If you happen to live next door to a brothel.

* HEFTY Heather has turned detective. She’s Walford’s answer to Wallender: Whale-Ender. Can she find out what’s happened to Jay? He’s been missing since October. Maybe he’s hiding in Minty’s boat. With Corky and Walford Town FC.

* NIGELLA says she likes her plumptious beauties “gorgeously sticky.” She also reveals that she likes to “put it all in at once”, adding “After Christmas I use goose fat.” Isn’t it incredible that some low individuals try to find a filthy subtext in all of this?

* MEMO to Nigella: I’m on Britain’s Best Celebrity Dish next year. Can you help? I’d love to take you up the meat aisle.

HOT on TV: Alexandra (X Factor) – sensational… The Millies – humbling…Elvis Costello (Spectacle)…Michael McIntyre – bouncier than Lisa Snowdon’s boobs on Strictly…Andrew Strauss…and Paul O’Grady’s Pinocchio panto – better cast than the Royal.

ROT: Royal Variety – doing for entertainment what James Corden will never do to Alexandra…La Cage Awful...Graham Norton in drag – and Cinderella thought her sisters were ugly…referee Andy D' Urso…and BBC Sports Personality of the Year – like the Federal Reserve, the interest rate was zero.

* SEPARATED at birth: Joe Swash and Alfred E Neuman; one a dim, grinning buffoon who seems borderline nuts, the other the face of an unfunny US magazine.

* THERE aren’t enough shoe-chuckers in Iraq to liven up the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year. Gawd, it’s dull. When Gary Lineker introduced “the oarsome foursome” I actually hoped it was the Slater Sisters.

* TOP Three ways to tell if you are possessed by an Apparitions demon: 1) whenever Songs of Praise is on TV, your head spins. 2) You’re female but your voice is now two octaves below Barry White. 3) You are Nick Knowles.

* I BOUGHT my turkey yesterday. The new Jethro DVD. In honour of Christmas, all the jokes are leftovers.

* FRANKIE Boyle on the economic crisis: “I like the new advert for the Halifax. It’s just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.”

* US network Showtime is developing a gay superhero. Will it be Green Lantern? He had a magic ring.

* JIMMY Carr: “If I had an optician’s I’d make them do the shop’s sign in a blurry font.”

SMALL joys of TV: Rachel’s vanishing costumes (Strictly). Travis (Wayne Rooney’s Street Striker). The massed ranks of misfits and losers (X Factor final). Alexandra's reaction to winning. Rhod Gilbert suspecting the Royal princes of vandalising his bus shelter. And Sarah Vezmar as Inge the singer (Parents of The Band - shame the show's a dud).

Dec 13. WHAT a shocking week. We actually witnessed a man die on TV. But enough about Angus Deayton at the Comedy Awards… What a miserable experience that was. Deayton fluffed his first gag, seemed rattled through-out and was ill-served by a script that managed to be mean-spirited and spiteful but rarely funny. ITV viewers won’t have recognised most of the contenders, and having watched them deliver flat, witless acceptance speeches will have struggled to work out exactly how they qualify as comedians. The mood of the room was ugly; ripe with bitterness and envy. James Corden – the likeable fat bloke from Gavin & Stacey - was told to “**** off”. And Ricky Gervais’s name was booed. Yet Ricky’s pre-recorded acceptance skit, in bed with George Michael, was the highlight of the night. Gervais has committed the cardinal sin in the eyes of these under-achieving malcontents: he’s funny and internationally successful.

Other genuine highlights included Frank Skinner, who was effortlessly on form, and that hilarious Harry Hill clip with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall in a shed full of chicks. “What animal of any kind would want to live in here?” he asked. Harry replied: “A fox?” Harry still has what most TV comedy has lost – a sense of fun. Telly execs bang on about the need for humour to be “edgy” or “challenging” while constantly forgetting Rule One: make us laugh. Alan Carr couldn’t. His idiotic claim that criminal dimwit Karen Matthews was “a gay icon” was as funny as toxic bangers at a barbecue. What’s happened to Carr? When he started, Alan was a breath of fresh air, camp but not crude with mainstream appeal. Now he’s happy to go for shock and bore. What a waste. Let’s hope James Corden doesn’t go the same way. His writing has the popular touch, but his appearances suggest the praise has already gone to his head. The big difference between today’s comedy names and old stars is that the vets wanted to entertain us all. Today’s mob just please themselves. The Comedy Awards expose the failings of the fashionable and the yawning gap between TV humour and the things real people actually laugh at. They are utterly removed from the general public. At least Wossy combines his wicked wit with some warmth. Deayton’s snide digs were as welcome as a blow torch at a snowmen convention.

* WHY no Dara O’Briain at the awards? Surely this prime Irish porker isn’t toxic too?

* OVER in “realistic” Walford, people are still giving away money, men are turning down sex and Nick Kamen’s 1985 launderette strip was re-enacted by a tramp – no, not Roxy. She was busy hiding her top secret DNA test results under a box of pub snacks. Natch someone (Archie?) nabbed them and, due to a paperwork mix-up, now thinks baby Amy’s real dad is a bag of Lay’s…which is not far from the truth. Elsewhere Tony King’s reign of terror ended before he could lure Lauren into his perverted trap. A lynch-mob of locals, including a guy with a noose, was headed off at the pass by various goody-goody ethnic characters. (How frustrating must it be to be a black or Asian actor in a soap, forever denied meaty roles by muddle-headed liberal writers). Some say it was brave for EastEnders to tackle paedophiles a few years after Corrie did. I would say that instead of painting working class people as Neanderthal losers, a grown-up soap might consider why child molesters arouse such public fury. And lay the blame squarely on the wet, useless justice system that fails to adequately punish the guilty.

* IMAGINE what Jane Beale, stand-up, might have made of Whitney’s ordeal: “Tony was a caring step-dad. He taught her how to act; he said, ‘Act like nothing happened’…It was her birthday in the week. Sweet sixteen and never been legal. But it’s not all bad news. On the plus side she’s just been signed up as cover girl for the next Scorpions’ album.” Child abuse is a serious thing, of course, but EastEnders isn’t. If they really wanted to confront reality, they’d have a few characters worrying about their jobs and mortgages. And maybe show us some of that good old East End ‘community fanaticism.’

HOT on TV: Froch v Pascal – best televised bout since Benn v McClellan…Manny Pacquiao – devastating…Frank Skinner – funny and unflappable…and Patsy Palmer (Enders) – that’s the Soap Awards in the bag, luv.

ROT on TV: Angus Deayton – as cheery as a Swiss euthanasia centre…Hairy Bakers – wooden puddings…Wallender – bell-ender…Peter Serafinowicz…The Pregnant Man – mum’s not the word; but at least the kid has his sperm donor’s eyes.

* AT time of writing I don’t know who won The X Factor. But Alexandra has the strongest voice by far (last week’s loser, Diana had the most interesting one.) ITV should give likeable JLS a spin-off series; a cross between the Monkees and Heroes: JLS – Justice League of Soul.

* WHEN killing yourself on TV becomes passé, maybe the soaps could pick up on the trend. For a small fee you could be incinerated in Weatherfield crem. For a larger one, you could have your demise written in to the script. Imagine that: bury my heart in Walford nick, after a messy love triangle involving Dawn Swann and Corky the forgotten parrot.

* WILL Sky One’s controversial documentary encourage viewers to contemplate suicide? Not as much as Don’t Forget The Lyrics did…

* SEPARATED at birth: Speaker of the House Michael Martin and comic actor Roy Kinnear – one an inveterate joker who it’s hard to take seriously; the other…Roy Kinnear.

* WHY should C4 be saved by the BBC? The channel is flopping because its programmes stink. Let it go to the wall.

*SEAN Lock: “They say a woman’s work is never done – maybe that’s why they get paid less.”

* COMING soon: George Michael Live At Earl’s Court. I hear tickets were limited. The place only has eight cubicles.

* THE BBC is planning a sequel to World War Two: Behind Closed Doors. It’ll be subtitled: Christmas with the Mitchells.

* SMALL joys of TV: Poppy Jhakra as Minnie the minx (Corrie). The League of Robots (Futurama). Minder re-runs on ITV4. And Deayton’s obvious discomfort when Eva Mendez praised Benny Hill (Comedy Awards).

* RANDOM irritations: Corrie writers stealing Steven Wright jokes (“it’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”) John Suchet on Going For Gold – even more patronising than TV weather forecasts, and just as dumbed down. And the dullness of Heroes this season: they must be losing viewers faster than the characters lost their powers. Gordon Brown has more chance of saving the world - and he can't even save Woolworths.

Dec 6. WAY to go, Joe! Swashy won I’m A Celebrity like we always knew he would. And now he must face one final nightmare: recording an Iceland ad with Kerry Katona. Friday’s final held more horrors than a rip-off Lapland grotto. Genial George ate cockroaches, which tasted “nutty”, locusts which tasted “toasty” and kangaroo penis which tasted of his boyfriend. Magnificent Martina stoically suffered a face-full of creepy-crawlies. While Joe endured a coffin full of rats and slippery eels… which must have felt like being back at EastEnders. Viewers loved laddish Joe for his cheeky charm and his guileless honesty; but recoiled collectively at his kissing frenzies. The Cockney kid was more touchy-feely than a blind groper at a Swedish orgy. But he did well; which is more than we can say for Paddick. Why did ITV book this dull ex-cop? It’s too much to hope that they were trying to expose the institutional wetness at the heart of the modern Met. No guts, no personality; talent-less Paddick tried to be all things to all men and failed miserably. “He’s a policeman and yet he doesn’t like confrontation,” said Martina. “Go figure.” So why was he there? Simply because he was gay: gay and semi-recognisable. And frankly that isn’t good enough.

Nor is booking someone because their other half is famous. Carly Zucker brought nothing except a nice smile and an engagement ring. Georgina Baillie would have been a better signing. Jungle hero, incredibly, was David Van Div who injected some much-needed aggro into the series. He was putting it on of course, but David winding up Nicola made the show worth watching. They got on like Alien and Predator. Without David, this series would have stunk like Martina’s wash and cry jungle tub. Their days would have been as empty as an estate agent’s diary. This can’t be allowed to happen again. No more who-he? bookings. No more loved-up models. No more bores. Aim higher, ITV, go for the really mental. Bring on Heather Mills! Joey Barton! Max Mosley! David Starkey! Boy George and his spanking paddle. Let chaos reign.

* THEY played Chocolate Roulette on Thursday. It sounded like Paddick’s favourite fantasy. Naturally Georgie went first.

* TOP quote from Joe Swash: “David’s taken my kindness and manilupized it.” Never mind mate, we can all congratutize you now.

* SO Lauren ran over Max on EastEnders. That’s Lauren, 14, who had never driven a jam-jar in her life… Not only did she manage to instantly adjust the seat so her feet could reach the pedals, she also worked out in seconds how to put it in gear, operate the clutch and drive without the car jerking and shuddering like a Moroccan milk-float. She’ll be presenting Top Gear next.

* IF Suzy is pregnant with Phil (or Archie’s) child, technically has she got a bum in the oven?

* NEW telly tec Wallander is a bigger wet blanket than Paddick. Wally is grey and gloomy, with the charisma of cold cabbage... Haven’t we got enough miserable middle-aged cops with mucked-up home lives on telly without importing this sorry Swede? I’d rather watch a Brit equivalent of Vic Mackey from the Shield; preferably played by Ray Winstone.

HOT on TV: Spooks – stunning… Outnumbered…Special Forces Heroes…and Ant & Dec – true kings of the jungle.

ROT on TV: Wallander – colder than Gordon Ramsay’s marital bed…Star Stories – crass enough for BBC3…The Story of Costume Drama – all the sparkle of a bottle of Lucozade with the top left off for a week…and Clone – stinks like Mallett’s breath after a penis colada.

* HORIZON wasted an hour asking “What time is it?” It’s dead easy to find out. Open your windows in the middle of the night and play Slipknot loud. At least ten neighbours will shout: “Oi! Turn that effing racket off, don’t you know it’s 3 in the morning?!”

* THE economy is crumbling. The only things likely to be in the black by Christmas are Carla Connor’s roots and Steve McDonald’s eyes. So ta to Niall Ferguson for reminding us it’s been this bad before. And for not reminding us that the cycle is normally recession, depression, protectionism, war…

* WHAT about Britney on The X Factor? She turned up with an entourage of 72 people and not one of them remembered to bring her voice. If she’d performed like that as an unknown she’d never have got past the auditions.

* JOHN Barrowman – see, I said he was over-exposed.

* A JAP theatre company is putting on a play featuring robot actors. Each one of them handpicked from the cast of Hollyoaks…

* POSH Spice says she gets letters from women saying the Spice Girls changed their lives. Mine too. I used to like music.

* TV’s biggest mystery? Why do BBC1 throw away something as good as Outnumbered at 9.30pm on a Saturday night?

* RANDOM Mr Sulu query: should gay Star Fleet officers set phasers to bum?

RANDOM irritations: Louis Theroux in Philly – more out of his depth than Joe Swash on Eggheads. The certainty that Corrie will string out Steve’s campaign to make Michelle hate him for as long as they dragged out the will he testify for Becky storyline. And that diminutive pug-faced Irish irritant on The X Factor. Can you believe he’s lasted so long? But expect Louis to be back again next year.

SMALL joys of TV: Doris propositioning Gavin (Gavin & Stacey). Uncle Bryn (ditto). The Russell Brands (Beehive). Tamer Hazan (Enders). Nicola Moriarty (Sky darts) – she’s pretty, funny and feisty; the new Mel Sykes?

* SHAPPI Khorsandi: “It’s no fun being a broody Iranian woman. Every time I told somebody my clock’s ticking they hit the ground.” * HOT not on TV: Joe Longthorne, Johnnie Casson and Joey Blower, live at the Blackpool Grand. (Comedy Awards reviewed next week.)

* DOUBLE bubble! Lee Evans hilarious ‘Live At The O2’ and From The Jam’s modish ‘A First Class Return’ are out now on DVD and I have one copy of each (worth £21.99 and £11.99 respectively) to give away to SEVEN lucky readers. For a chance to win just name the Jam’s original singer. Was it a) David Mellor b) Paul Weller or c) Fats Waller? Answer on a postcard by Wednesday to Garry’s Jam Contest, PO Box 10220, Sutton Coldfield, B76 1ZH. Usual Daily Star Sunday rules apply.

* BRIAN Paddick was talking about Timmy Mallett’s cheating tactics when he moaned: “He dug his nails into my arm to stop me swallowing.” Not a common occurrence for odd ex-cop. L. Wright of Burwash wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of this page.

* Runner-up, Gordon Ramsay talking about noodles, when he revealed: “A minimum of six pulls is needed to get the right thickness.”

Nov 29. THURSDAY night and a “dirty leech” is getting stuck in to Nicola McLean’s left boob. While a million dirty leches look on in envy. An odd week on I’m A Celebrity. Kilroy was first out (Why? Where’s the justice?) Joe Swash tried to pull Esther. And vain David Van Day emerged as the most gloriously deluded contender in jungle history. Van Div delighted us with his dreams of a West End show with Mallett (Rock Bottom); a TV show with Mallett (Barrel Bottom) and a hit single, Biff Baff Boff (just rotten). OK, there’s a chance it’s all put on, that he’s deliberately aping Peter Andre with the song, and Paul Burrell with his squeals. But I prefer to think he genuinely believes he’s reviving his worthless career. This prompts a nagging fear: what if some moron at ITV, high on irony, thinks it’s a good idea to give Mallett and Van Driver their own banana-skin strewn “slapstick” series? Tim & Dave, Mallett & Muppet, Fat-head & F***wit…call it what you will, the prospect is as welcome as a winter vomiting bug. For starters Mallett is not all there. In any profession other than showbiz he’d have been sectioned long ago. Van Div meanwhile is only good for causing rifts, tiffs and resentment. There’s more chance of seeing Clarkson advertising Yorkie Bars than of David making a decent TV show. (Unless he can dance very badly…) What a pair of pumped-up fakes…but enough about Nicola.

In their defence, the two stooges have brought something – insanity, tension, belligerence - to an otherwise underwhelming party. Carly Zucker was as much use as a minor VAT cut. She did nothing except complain about being loaded. So no wonder you zucked her off last night. We rarely saw Dani, let alone Behr. The only one we’ve seen naked is non-celebrity Brian Paddick, a borderline flasher. Martina and Simon have under-whelmed. Nicola’s a prize bitch. So I reckon Joe, George, Van Div and steely old Esther will make the final four. Swashy has just been himself - likeable, caring, dim, flirtatious. He made a rod for his own back with George, and if he gets any closer to Esther he’ll end up in an even scarier Cavern of Calamity. But Joe to win, I say. And Van Div to biff, baff, boff off.

* PLEASE note: Brothers Of The Head was a film on C4, not George and Brian’s nickname.

* NEVER mind banks, I’m putting my money where it won’t be touched…under Gordon Ramsay’s cockaleekie. He was Celebrity Father of the Year in 2006. And he’ll be Celibate Husband of the Year 2009. It could have been worse though, he could have knocked up Delia.

* THOSE new Gordon TV shows in full: Ramsay's Sex Kitten Nightmares, Cock-along Live, The F Word – F for fidelity, honest darling…

* SEPARATED at birth: Gordon Ramsay’s tart, Sarah Symonds and Jo Portman in Spooks; one an expert in shady practices, undercover manoeuvres and embarrassing leaks. The other a TV spy.

* IT didn’t look good on 24: Redemption; Jack Bauer against three car-loads of heavily armed bad guys. What terrible odds. The bad guys didn’t have a chance. Granted four of them did briefly capture and torture him, but that just gave Jack a breather before snapping their leader’s neck with his feet. Don’t you love this guy? Jack makes Gene Hunt look like Timmy Mallett. The Chinese roughed him up for nearly two years and all he needed to get over it was a wash and brush-up. To suit the post-Bush mood, rogue hero Jack is now a humanitarian saving schoolboy orphans from becoming canon fodder for a callous African war-lord. He wins, but only by giving himself up for questioning by a Senate subcommittee about his own enthusiastic interrogation methods – Jack could have made Marcel Marceau talk. Typical Yanks, they’ve got the wrong guy. They should subpoena the writers for mucking up series six.

* THIS was a two hour version of 24. So why wasn’t it called 2?

* BAD news on Survivors. Following a killer flu outbreak, there’s no tap water, no power and no mobiles. But on the plus side, no taxes, no EastEnders and nothing to pay at Netto… After a sluggish start, this remake of the 1970s cult hit has picked up nicely. It should do wonders for sales of canned food, candles and bottled water.

* SURVIVORS shows Britain with no banks, hope or electricity. Or as experts call it, 2010.

* I LIKE blonde slapper Sarah. She’s not the Lord of the Flies, but she’s dropped a few.

HOT on TV: Chris Rock – dangerously funny…new Futurama… Michael McIntyre (Live At The Apollo) – bubblier than a champagne Jacuzzi…and Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten.

ROT on TV: Apparitions – as worthless as Woolies…EastEnders – sagging like Cilla’s over-exposed cleavage…Miss Naked Beauty – this series did…and Guinness World Records Smashed – whoever commissioned this must have been.

RANDOM irritations: Dev Allahan ‘comedy’ bits (Corrie). I’m A Celebrity getting dropped for Man U’s no-score bore. Julie Graham. Victoria Coren’s voice – as soothing as a barbed wire cosh. Unattached straight men turning down sex with beautiful women in dramas. And Channel Five – so devoid of ideas, they lazily leech off of ITV shows.

* DIANA Vickers assured X Factor viewers that “throat or no throat, I’m going to give the performance of my life.” To which most men responded “with throat” was preferable. Deeply so. Not Louis though. He’s too busy stripping away what’s left of JLS’s credibility.

* FRANKIE Boyle on Kerry Katona’s new perfume: “It must be pretty good, she's drinking four bottles of it a day.”

* ARE you watching this show about people possessed by demons? I believe it’s called Today At Westminster.

* SMALL joys of TV: Graham on Corrie – “daft from every conceivable angle, especially upside down.” Blanche in court. Ricky Hatton’s fat suit. And Nicola’s bikini in the cold tank (I’m A Celebrity); she was clearly, ahem, taking in washing. David Blunkett could have read those lips.

Nov 23. WHY, you must be asking? Why oh why bring David Van Div and Timmy-Bloody-Mallett to the jungle? One is a malignant grump; the other’s a cackling chump. Timmy-Bloody-Mallett, the most punch-able man on the planet. He’s “irrepressible”, say ITV. Yeah. Like a Somali pirate raid, and marginally less welcome. Which is why this is absolutely perfect casting - finally we have people worth torturing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as happy to watch Kilroy up to his neck in snakes and slime as the next man – especially if the next man is UKIP boss Nigel Farage. But the old rascal was starting to look good. He’s shown grit, guts and determination. He’s no fun at all. Much better to inflict insect hell on diddy Van Div with his giant ego, yellow streak and baffling sense of entitlement. These two twerps have brought edge to a series which has taken a while to kick in. Booking Brian Paddick to entertain us was as sensible as opening a John Sergeant school of dance. And the only sexual spark so far has been George Takei lusting over Joe Swash’s rear.

Nice guy Swashy is clear favourite. I just wish he’d stop squealing like a stuck pig. Nicola McLean may pip him at the post, though…What magnificent bazookas! Working with her must be like being bombarded with volley-balls. Nicola showed determination forged at a hundred brutal Sales Day confrontations to beat Joe in the I-scream challenge. “Nicola swallowed everything,” noted Esther. And not for the first time, the nation quipped as one. Esther, when not straining water through her pants, is a likeable and surprisingly vulnerable old stick. And Martina is a proper star, delighting us with cruel lesbian gags like: “I hear the only reason men name their penises is so that they don't have a total stranger making all the decisions for them.” You suspect she has more in her pants than Paddick does. Talk about Knackered of The Yard. How is this dull pillock a celebrity? Carly’s talents are known only to Joe Cole. Simon is finally coming good after displaying all the presence of a hologram for days. And Dani Behr is said to be here too, but how can you tell? The sole point of Dani seems to be to inspire jokes like “Does a Behr s*** in the woods?” Highlight so far has to be Gollum-eyed TV legend George singing the Olly Olly Olly song. Well done Swashy. Joe to win, I say! Iceland need a new face in their adverts.

* JOE Swash revealed that he calls his manhood “Alfie” – except after he’s been for a dip in that ice cold pool; then he calls it “Al”.

* QUOTE of the week: “We’ve had five nights of hell-holes” – Dani. Sounds like Roy Cropper’s honeymoon.

* I FEEL sorry for the crocs. Bad enough to get your bits cut off for TV, but then to find out Esther’s got bigger teeth than you…that just adds insult to injury.

* JOHN Sergeant and Kristina have left Strictly. Shame. Now the only useless couple left are Bruce and his scriptwriter… Yes John has walked, with slightly more style than he danced – he moved like a drunk struggling to shift a wardrobe. But the jumped-up judges had no right to bully him off the show. Nobody watches Strictly for them. Especially not Craig, an even camper Cowell wannabe, the rat-like Bruno or that Botox-ed bitch Arlene Phillips with her awful hectoring voice and irritating rehearsed lines. John knew he was crap. Problem is, the judges don’t.

* JOHN pulled out of Strictly. If Mathew Firsht had pulled out of Laura White she might still be on X Factor.

* HAYLEY Cropper is back on Corrie! Yawn. She reckons Africa changed her. Yeah? Not as much as Amsterdam did. Hayley said: “I often thought what sort of a hole have I left behind.” Good God, she hasn’t had that removed as well, has she?

HOT on TV: David Haye – hotter than an LA wildfire…Underbelly (FX)…Diana Vickers (X Factor)…Argumental (Dave)…John From Cincinnati (FX)…and Nicola McLean – the croc’s bollocks.

ROT on TV: Now That’s What I Call 1983 – cheesier than Heather Trott’s larder…The I.T. Crowd – sh…you know the rest…Clone – typical BBC3 sitcom; crude, corny and crammed with OTT canned laughter…Screenwipe – arse wipe…and Nick Knowles on Wild About Your Garden – bring back Tommy Walsh!

* MEMO to ITV: Def Leppard’s Pyromania, U2’s War, ZZ Top’s Eliminator, New Order’s Power Corruption & Lies, Motorhead’s Another Perfect Day, Bowie’s Let’s Dance – that’s what I call 1983.

* Desperate Housewives has jumped on five years. If EastEnders did that, Roxy would be on her third “whose-baby?” storyline, Brad and Stacey would have split up and got back together 87 times. And Max would have been the victim of so many murder attempts the freckles on his face would have merged into the shape of a giant target. But there’d still be no sign of Walford Town FC.

* “PITY poor Bobby Davro. One minute he’s a successful, sought-after comedy impressionist; the next he’s trapped in a joyless soap playing a non-descript character written for by morons who think “variety” means playing the spoons. What a come down. What a farce.

* SEPARATED at birth: Michael Moore and Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. One a fat freakish fantasist living a fake life; the other a cartoon geek.

SMALL joys of TV: Monte Barrett’s disastrous arse-over-tit boxing ring entry. George Takei’s voice. Classic On The Buses clips, RIP Reg Varney. And Michelle Orpe (Sky Poker) – an inspiration to all male players, no matter how small your stack.

JUNGLE mysteries: with Nicola around, why are only Esther’s pants straining? Did Joe call his manhood Alfie after the film, or ALF the TV alien (who was fat, hairy, and wouldn’t eat a pussy)? Where’s Mallett’s top lip gone? And what part of “I’m Joe Cole’s fiancée” makes Carly a celebrity?

RANDOM irritations: Bianca and Tony on EastEnders - Thicko and Sicko. Kerry Fatona in the Iceland promo stings. Corrie’s crime wave. And Matt Willis – vain, pointless poltroon.

* THE Devil’s Whore. Wasn’t that Janine Butcher’s nickname?

NOV 16. OK, Martina is a superb signing, but who are all these other people on I’m A Celebrity? Carly Zucker has been granted celeb status on the basis of being engaged to Joe Cole. Nicola McLean apparently qualifies because she looks great in a bikini and ex-cop turned political failure Brian Paddick is here for one reason alone - he’s gay. Rest assured Sir Ian Blair won’t be on the next jungle show even though he was a higher-ranking cop and an all-round bigger failure, because Blair is straight. Being gay now guarantees you a fast-track to TV fame even if you’re not entertaining and can’t actually do anything. (See also the unknown wash-out Scott Henshall a few years back).

ITV has clearly decided that Robert Kilroy-Silk will be this year’s villain, editing him to look like a male chauvinist back-stabber. But then again Kilroy set UKIP back years so I can’t say I mind. As for the rest Mr Sulu is a genuine sci-fi legend (if languishing behind Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty, Uhuru and Scotty in any self-respecting Star Trek Top Ten). Esther Rancid is favourite to stoically brave a coffin full of rats, Simon Webbe is OK but nothing special, and Navratilova is as cheerful as a bucket of meal worms. Dani Behr has never done much for me. Sarah Palin or even that swinging vicar would have been more fun. Which leaves Joe Swash as my early tip to win. If only he’d stop yelping. Screaming like a girl won’t wash, Swash. Which is more than you can say for Nicola. Expect her to see her scrubbing away in that bikini daily. Insert your own scrubber gag here.

Forget Kilroy, for real Euro skepticism, see: http://www.ukip.org/

Nov 15. GOK Wan, competitive cooking, singing soap stars, tedious newsreader high-jinks…Yes, it’s Children In Need time folks, and this year BBC1 didn’t even bother to book a comedian. It’s the same story on I’m A Celebrity. No comics, no entertainers, and three people who aren't even celebrities. But we do get a dull ex-copper. Hurrah! Newsflash: it’s miserable out here. People are worried about money, mortgages and jobs. We need laughs more than ever. Where the hell are they? Remove Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men from the equation and the funniest shows on TV right now are Harry Hill’s TV Burp, 8 Out Of Ten Cats and Have I Got News For You. There isn’t a single decent sitcom on BBC1. WHY? The genre hasn’t stopped working. Quality hits this decade include Phoenix Nights (C4), The Office (BBC2), Early Doors (BBC2), Gavin & Stacey (BBC3) and Benidorm (ITV).

I like BBC2’s dead-pan Lead Balloon, which stars Jack Dee as selfish, petty-minded comedian Ricky Spleen. Magda, his Eastern European home help, is a joy; she makes the Bank Of England governor look like a somersaulting optimist. The show falls short of Curb Your Enthusiasm which inspired it, but it’s still head and surly shoulders above the dross BBC1 churns out: All About Me, The Wild West, Jam & Jerusalem …they’ve been putting the ‘h’ in sitcoms since 1996. And OK, the Yanks are struggling too, but Two And A Half Men is a Top Ten hit. We haven’t got a sitcom in the Top 70.

The BBC has to take the blame. They’ve forgotten what made their own classics great: cracking scripts, strong casts and A Sense of Reality. Like Victor Meldrew and Norman Stanley Fletcher, David Brent wasn't just funny, he was believable. After You’ve Gone is not. Sitcom writing at BBC1 has become a closed shop; run by snooty graduates with double-barrelled names, and governed by PC considerations, nitwit age targets and dimwit focus groups. It doesn’t work and they need to get it sorted. Re-launching Comedy Playhouse would help. Working class writers created the Steptoes, the Trotters, and the Royles. It’s time to break the grip of the Tristrams and Tarquins and give new blood a chance. Save Our Sitcoms! Show us the funny!

* WHAT a line-up on I’m A Celebrity this year: Brian Pillock, Mr Sulu, Esther Rancid, some WAGs…thank god there’s one strong, masculine girl-hungry contestant. Best of luck, Martina Navratilova!

* Three gay bookings, Nicola McLean after a lesbian fumble…it’s a wonder ITV doesn’t save more dough and relocate the show to Hampstead Heath. I hear that when Biggins saw the line-up he volunteered to go back in.

* THERE was a TV show this week where you had to guess who the mad people were. Haven’t we got this already? It’s called GMTV. Slip backstage after the show and you’d see Fiona being subdued by orderlies with tranquilliser darts and Richard Arnold being coaxed back into his straitjacket.

* YOU know you’re nuts if you watched Horizon How Mad Are You when the new Smallville series was starting on E4.

* HORIZON defined depression as “a long period of profound joylessness”. Doesn’t that pretty much sum up the last 20 years of EastEnders? You don’t have to be mad to watch it. Just to write it.

HOT on TV: Underbelly (FX) – Australian Psychos…Sharpe…Joe Calzaghe outclassing Roy Jones Jnr…Katherine Jenkins…and Anna Crilly as Magda (Lead Balloon). Yis.

ROT on TV: Apparitions – something witless this way comes… Going For Gold – settling for Teflon…A Is For Acid – B is for Bollocks…and The Commander – it’s gone for a Burton.

* THINGS Harry Hill should have picked up on: Prem’s wobbling ear-lobes (Corrie). The miraculous self-filling wine glass on part three of The Commander. And the way Louis Walsh applauds on X Factor – it’s like he’s trying to take off.

* MARTIN Shaw’s Apparitions is appalling medieval mumbo-jumbo. Sorry, the voices in my head made me say that. I couldn’t actually review it without a virgin to sacrifice. And they’re hard to come by in South London.

* TITUS the Gorilla King followed Phil Mitchell’s latest problems on Tuesday: a dumb grunting brute whose life has been dogged by murder, affairs and power struggles. And as I say, after Phil we got to see Titus.

* SUPER gorilla, my arse! At no time did we see that lazy ape even attempt to pick up sticks and drum along to a Phil Collins song.

* SEPARATED at birth: Corrie’s Blanche Hunt and the boss alien on Mars Attacks? One a malicious invader out to cause havoc and destruction, the other a Martian.

* IS it wise for Peter Barlow to get involved with gambling again? He’s already lost his shirt.

* POP-eye is running rings round those factory girls on Corrie. Where’s Red Ida Clough when they need her? (And why hasn’t Janice been banged up and the stolen dosh redistributed?)

* OH cruel deception. Despite the name, Kenwood’s Glamour Puds didn’t feature sexy tubby birds, but some French geezer knocking up a raspberry tart. Let’s see Laura Critchley who sings the theme tune; I’m sure her puds are perfectly rounded.

* DISH of the week? The micro-waved landmine on Spooks. Yum. Perfect chilli con carnage. Best served with a Valentine’s Day Masalla and the crepes of wrath. Christmas dinner must be a blast in that place – they stuff the turkey with Semtex.

* SALLY Morgan started out as “Princess Di’s personal psychic” – which is no great advert. Di had consultations for four years and not once did Morgan say do yourself a favour, dear, steer clear of Paris. Sal’s clients, then: Di, De Niro, Una Thurman; now: Lisa Scott-Lee and Helen Lederer – not going well is it, love?

SMALL Joys of TV: The public winding up self-important talent show judges - keep voting for John Sergeant, the Lard of the Dance. Vince Colosimo (Underbelly). Terry Tibbs (Fonejacker). Gary Beadle (Sarah-Jayne Adventures). And crazed high-speed rock climber Dan Osman (Rude Tube). Tragically, Dan has since died in a mountaineering accident. You don’t say…

* RANDOM Irritations: the disgusting behaviour of MPs when the Baby P case was raised in Parliament. Mariah Carey miming (X Factor), although granted it wasn’t as annoying as Mariah singing. Any romantic scene involving Gail Platt, the Chipmunk of Lurv.

* WHAT’S better advice for a modern pop career? Mariah Carey’s “use the fear”, or Julian Clary’s “use the rear”?

Nov 8. IT was the most exciting election of modern times. But you wouldn’t have known it from the BBC coverage. While Obama made history, David Dimbleby made do, presiding over a shambolic six hour snooze-athon full of fluffs and fumbles. It was like turning electricity into mud. But at least dithering Dimbleby didn’t sink to the level of Laura Kuenssberg in New York. She asked a bemused Ricky Gervais who David Brent would have voted for. “Barack Obama,” he replied flatly, begging the question what’s worse, dumb questions or comedians who can’t be arsed to amuse us? Like Eddie Izzard, who the Beeb also pointlessly wheeled out; presumably because Russell Brand was busy leaving risqué messages on John McCain’s answering machine. Next time send fewer staff and fly economy, and you might have enough dosh to book Lewis Black or P.J. O’Rourke. ITV brought in Jon Culshaw as a talking head. They’d have got more insight from Nookie Bear. Grumpy Gore Vidal was best value; 83, and way past his bedtime, Gore tore into Dimblebore like Blanche Hunt at a Postman Pat convention.

Not everyone on the Beeb underperformed. Matt Frei, Katty Kay and Justin Webb all impressed. But Jeremy Vine and his touch screen graphics – dismissed as a “toy” by Paxman - fell well short of Snow and his old swingometer. John Simpson remains a pompous prig. And British comedians made no impact, which was shaming when you consider the crucial role Yank comics played - from Tina Fey’s spot-on Sarah Palin impressions, to the regular poundings the candidates received on the USA’s late night chat shows. Top pundit was Maureen Dowd on Newsnight. Asked how historic the night was, the New York Times columnist replied: “The first 16 presidents of this country could have owned Barack Obama.” Obama, like Blair, may turn out to have feet of clay. But compared to our elections, the outcome was truly thrilling. For a moment, US voters felt that anything was possible. (Anything…except Charlton avoiding relegation.) Obama offered hope and a fresh start. Vote for change, he said. God, I wish we could.

* GRAHAM Norton: “Obama won the big vote just two days after his grandmother died. Hey, don’t knock it; it works on X Factor.”

* DAVID Letterman: “I think I speak for everybody when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?”

* FRANK Skinner: “Robert Mugabe’s a black President. They’re not all good.”

* THE stench of murder hangs over Albert Square again this week. A disturbing crime has almost certainly been committed. I am of course referring to the continued unexplained absence of Corky the parrot. The poor bird hasn’t been seen since the Masoods opened that curry stall. Coincidence? I think not. (See also Wellard, Terence, Albert, Gilbert the chinchilla, and the Slater’s missing cat.) Elsewhere the mystery of who ran over Max the Mekon excites us like the prospect of a Heather Trott striptease. We’re supposed to think it was Jack or Bradley, so obviously we can rule them out. Tanya has got previous, having tried to top Max already. But I’m offering 20/1 on Jeremy Clarkson, 10/1 - any punter fleeing a Jane Beale comedy show, and 2/1-on: Archie Mitchell, who almost certainly did it as one of his cheeky wind-ups. He’s a wag that Archie.

* WALFORD mysteries: how did Jack get his hair cut between leaving the Square and arriving at Walford nick? Why hasn’t anyone told Suzy the floozy that her brother is in intensive care? Where did that bog in the caff come from? How did Ian lock himself in when the buttons are only on the outside? And if Shirley didn’t go to the dogs on Friday, who was in trap five?

HOT on TV: Sharpe’s Peril – bring back Hornblower!...Armistice (BBC4)…Joe Pasquale hosting the O’Grady show…Lee Mack Live…Joe Tracini (Coming Of Age) – real promise wasted.

ROT on TV: GMTV’s election coverage: Get Me The Valium…Mel B hosting Paul O’Grady – like the McCain campaign, hopeless… Robert Elms – tit…Auntie Pam (Corrie) - as credible as the kidnap storyline…and Brucie’s gags (Strictly) – the Antique Jokes Show.

* THE Bill Made Me Famous included Roger Daltrey, Michelle Collins, Todd Carty, Les Dennis, Ray Winstone, Pauline Quirke and Lisa Maxwell…none of whom were made famous by The Bill. We waited in vain for Brad and Angelina. This show’s working title was Cop Idol and the cast got to vote for their all-time favourite Bill character. Rightly it came down to Burnside and Beech –two true stars who are much missed; Don Beech won.

* WHY replace Wossy with old films? There are plenty of cheeky chappies who could do Jonathan’s chat show just as well – Danny Baker, Johnny Vaughan, Paul Ross. But if they’re just after a middle-aged slightly soiled Londoner who sees smut in everything and is happy to brown-nose glamorous actresses, I’m free for the next few Fridays…

* COMING Of Age trailer’: “Do you wanna touch my little white mouse, by which I mean my cock.” More “cutting edge comedy” from the mirth meisters of BBC3.

* WHAT’S happened to Darren Day’s cheeks? Is he storing food for the winter?

* BRUCIE and Wogan should do an internet chat to plug Children In Need. They’d be toupees in a pod....

* HOW about a charity night for soap brats: Children In Need Of A Good Hiding.

* ANY truth in the rumour that David Tennant decided to leave Dr Who when he saw Georgina Baillie plastering the Tardis with her business cards?

* THAT evil bloke on Heroes who mentally controls people like puppets…is he based on Archie Mitchell?

* JOE Pasquale as The Prisoner: Wuss Kemp.

SEPARATED at birth: Gok Wan and Roger from American Dad; one a flamboyant alien creature with a bad attitude who loves to play childish pranks, the other a cartoon.

RANDOM irritations: Dermot promising us “quite literally murder on the dance floor” and not delivering. Big-headed dance dunce Brian Friedman. The Hole In The Wall studio audience – as glum as Daniel Craig’s Bond. Cheer up, folks, this is TV gold! And C4 re-showing the same half-dozen afternoon movies. They’re on so often we know the dialogue better than John Mills.

SMALL joys of TV: CNN's election holograms. Classic Beech and Burnside Bill clips. Simon Cowell boasting that Wishing On A Star was “arguably the best song I’ve ever chosen for Austin” on the night Austin was slung off. Diane Vickers. And Mahone’s revenge on Prison Break – though the torture scenes were nowhere near as stomach-churning as Gretchen snogging the geriatric General.

Oct 31. THE Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand affair went deeper than a few prank phone calls. JR isn’t just a chat-show host; he’s the public face of the BBC. And it’s hard to see what part of “inform, educate and entertain” involves publicly humiliating a much-loved pensioner. This row was really about what the Corporation should stand for. And the answer clearly isn’t schoolboy stunts and anything-goes obscenity. Popular humour was once the lifeblood of the Beeb. But the great legacy of Eric and Ernie, the Steptoes and The Two Ronnies has been squandered by sneering Tristrams who despise public taste. These same self-regarding execs were defending the pair this week, claiming that comedy should push boundaries – as if Russell banging on about his dinkle was the modern day equivalent of Lenny Bruce or Sam Kinison. Chris Rock pushes boundaries, Russell's cock does not. But what about making some room for comics who just want to make audiences laugh without causing upset?

BBC comedy no longer aspires to entertain us all. Now the false god of demographics holds sway. Patronising bilge is commissioned “for the kids.” Take BBC3 sitcom Coming Of Age; this is a show that makes Two Pints look like Fawlty Towers. The humour is crass, crude and lobotomized. And that’s not just my opinion – teenagers I corralled into watching it last week called it “gross” and “embarrassing.” The BBC Trust should be made to sit through it; they would hang the heads in shame. Filth is easy. Clean comedy, apparently, is for squares. If you tried to pitch something like Fools & Horses now you’d never get through the door. BBC1 hasn’t originated a great comedy for decades. Lazy execs, feather-bedded from failure by the licence fee, happily settle for any old bland garbage. They prefer the repetitive, woman-hating, gay-obsessed lavatory humour of Little Britain to real comic invention. Jonathan Ross’s suspension will be good for him. He’s a terrific broadcaster and a giant talent. But he’s been over-indulged and under-produced for far too long. Bob Monkhouse always said of Jonathan: he’s better than this. And he is. He’s smart, funny and quick-witted; an all-round decent bloke who is genuinely contrite about the upset he’s caused. And if the Sachs & The Silly row makes the BBC rethink their approach to comedy, the furore will have been good for all of us.

* JIMMY Carr: “It’s very hard for Jonathan Ross to say sorry. It’s also hard for him to say around the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.”

* TWAS Halloween week in Walford: scary people, blood-curdling screams, horror and pain…so, pretty much the same as any other week. Young kids were knocking on doors – to some, a bloody nuisance, but to Tony King, free home delivery. Max was a bit run down. And Callum treated Stacey to a few tricks up the allotment sheds (what better place to find a used and slightly damaged hoe?) No sign of Shirley though. She hates Halloween. All those terrifying faces…she can’t stand the competition.

* THAT new Jamaican cop on EastEnders, is he a Scotland Yardie?

* CHIPS dipped in fizzy pop, sausage rolls, fry-ups…I reckon Walford needs a visit from Jamie Oliver. Although I can’t imagine Garry Hobbs knocking up polenta. Or any other woman.

WHAT do we want from awards ceremonies? Stars! Wit! Winners we agree with… Three things the National TV Awards consistently fail to deliver. No funny acceptance speeches, results that were fishier than a sushi restaurant and the likes of Paris Hilton, a spoilt, privileged dimwit with a media career based on an internet sex tape, being wheeled out to present gongs. ITV, you spoil us. Sir Trev’s dead hand on the tiller and his inability to deliver gags, coupled with the usual leaden script, dampened the atmosphere as effectively as a Russian oligarch at a Tory fund-raising party. EastEnders won Most Popular Soap, again – despite regularly getting fewer viewers than Corrie. Katherine Kelly and Michelle Keegan were robbed. The voting system is clearly flawed. Even the nominations are shrouded in mystery. It was absurd that Catherine Tate was in the running for Outstanding Drama Performance. And how much more praise will Simon Cowell get for remembering talent shows? The public never forgot ’em. Memo to ITV: we like gag-telling comedians too.

HOT on TV: TV Burp…zombie horror Dead Set (E4)…Argumental (Dave)…and Squiggle actress Belinda Owusu at the NTAs – don’t she scrub up well?

ROT on TV: John Prescott – no class…Celebrity Scissorhands – like watching hair dye…Griff at the NTAs – as funny as thrush…and Little Britain USA – same crap, different accents.

* HAS John Prescott got a TV future? Yes! He’d be terrific on Hole In The Wall. As would Supermarket Sweep trolley dolly Vikki Thomas. I could never understand why Dale made Vik wear those loose-fitting tops when she’s better stacked than the shelves were.

* ON Argumental opposing sides heatedly debate issues of the day. They don’t really care about the topics, have no principles and change their positions constantly, sometimes in mid-sentence. It’s like the Commons with more jokes.

* SEPARATED at birth: Dot Branning and the Crypt Keeper from Tales From The Crypt. One an ancient, terrifying skull-like creature…the other a 1990s US TV horror import. Runner-up: Richard Fox, he looks like a young Jonathan Ross wearing a false conk. Best keep him away from the phones…

SMALL joys of TV: Barking mad animal clips (Ponderland). Lead Balloon re-runs (Dave), especially Magda. Jon Stewart’s Obama interview (The Daily Show). Johnny Vegas. And Davina savaged by a zombie (Dead Set) – bloody, yes, but still not as painful as watching her chat-show.

RANDOM irritations: That creepy Barry White doll in the pizza ads. The cheesy double glazing salesman grin of Anton DuBeke. The continuity announcer on Alibi who can’t pronounce Dalziel. John Prescott moaning about “the Establishment Class” when he and his mates were the establishment for ten years and betrayed working class voters at every turn.

* RE the rash of comedians making travelogues: why has Julian Clary been overlooked? Surely he'd make a decent fist of it?

Oct 29. Jonathan Ross is a terrific broadcaster and a giant talent. He’s smart, funny and entertaining; an all-round decent bloke. I know he is genuinely contrite about the hurt he’s caused. But he has to be disciplined over those prank calls to Andrew Sachs. JR isn’t just a chat-show host; he’s the public face of the BBC. And it’s hard to see what part of “inform, educate and entertain” involves publicly humiliating a much-loved pensioner. Sacking JR would actually be good for him - he’s been over-indulged and under-produced for far too long. It would sharpen him up, and establish whether any commercial broadcaster thinks he’s worth the £6m a year he currently trousers courtesy you, me and the licence fee. (I suspect not.) Russell’s defenders say that comedy should push boundaries - although Russ banging on about his dinkle isn’t exactly Bill Hicks. At least Mark Steel stands for something. Various Tristrams have been wheeled out to insist that the BBC must do “cutting edge” humour. This would more make sense if a) the phone messages had been funny b) the Beeb's mainstream comedy was any good, and b) BBC3 wasn’t full of crude, puerile garbage masquerading as wit. BBC3 comedy is as cutting edge as a blancmange. I happen to like JR, and Russ, and detest the sanctimonious tub-thumping of the Mail. But in this instance, they’re in the wrong. Their phone prank may have been a moment of madness, but it was also a huge error of judgement which has to be paid for.

OCT 26. NO! Shabnam has left EastEnders for Karachi. She can't be stranded in such a hellish, primitive place…said the Pakistanis. Shabs is a bright, Westernized woman. What has Karachi got for her that Albert Square hasn’t? Well, for starters, washing machines! Culture! A lower crime rate… I’m just relieved the Post Office shut down before any of the dim, local villains worked out it didn’t have a security window. It was the only Walford business that hadn’t been robbed.

In this demented soap, life-changing decisions are made on a whim, and the laws of physics are meaningless. EIGHT people are currently living upstairs at the Vic, and only Peggy’s sharing a bedroom. It’s like the Tardis in there. Elsewhere Jack turned in to Swiss Toni, and Callum claimed he had “moving costs” – howcome? He turned up with sod-all. What’s he got to move?

If the small stuff is baffling, the big stories are bonkers. Jay was so eaten up with hatred this week that he nearly fried Dawn and his baby step-sister alive. Of course! Your Dad died cos he’s a thug; how better to honour his memory than by murdering two people he cared about? Mercifully, Billy nixed Jay’s sick Summer barbecue. But the obnoxious brat had been seconds away from arson. And guess what? Two episodes later they’re all mates again. Dawn forgave him. Jay won’t be charged; he won’t see a shrink; he won’t be punished at all.

That’s how it is in wet, woolly Walford; anything goes as long as you’ve got a story that’d make some soppy social worker’s heart bleed. Forget personal responsibility. It ain’t your fault, son; society’s to blame.

In March, Tanya buried Max the Mekon alive. But it wasn’t her fault, either, apparently. No, it was down to him being a cheating control freak, so no-one mentions it. Not even Max! The work-shy but mysteriously wealthy insurance salesman also forgot to tell his brief that his ex is a lying, scheming tart gets through plonk like Kerry Katona on a medication bender. It’s almost as if her tree trunk legs are hollow. Should we feel sorry for Jay? Of course - but don’t forget he was a mouthy oik with a chip on his shoulder even before his Dad was (understandably) beaten to death for betraying his crime firm. It’s hard to think of a better advert for bringing back the birch.

* ROSIE is still locked in an attic on Corrie. She’s Prisoner Cell Block Stape, the Bird Brain Of Alcatraz. But is John much smarter? What’s point of this kidnapping? What does he want from her? He doesn’t seem to have much of a plan. Only one thing is more mystifying: what the hell does he see in Fizz anyway?

* NEW TV shows, not coming soon: 1) Madonna and Guy in Divorcing With The Stars 2) Is Oleg On The Boat – hilarious antics with George, Mandy and a dodgy yacht off the coast of Corfu 3) Who Wants To Bail Out A Millionaire - hosted by Gordon Brown.

* MATT dreamed the future on Heroes and saw himself married to Daphne, the speedster. It’s a dream many men will have shared. At the risk of lowering the tone, wouldn’t she be the perfect wife? She’s super-fast, so prolonged foreplay would be a thing of the past. Premature ejaculation? Not a problem - you’d never finish quicker than she does. Elsewhere in 2012, fresh heroes abound, created by Mohinder’s serum…even though it’s changed him into a violent, spider-thing with an array of scabs that would turn Anna Richardson green. Best new villain is noxious Knox, who feeds off other people’s fear. Much like the way Gordon Brown seems to grow in stature – or at least cheer up - as the economy plummets.

HOT on TV: Bernard Hill (Sunshine)…Bernard Hopkins out-boxing Pavlik…Fringe (Sky One)…and Summer Glau (Terminator, Virgin1) – sexiest machine since the Aston Martin Rapide.

ROT on TV: Miss Naked Beauty – unashamedly naked tripe…Peaches Geldof: Disappear Here – wish she would…and X Factor – bored with the judges, under-whelmed by the singers; can’t we scrub this series and bring back Rhydian?

* KERRY Katona’s heavily slurring, disorientated appearance on This Morning prompted hundreds of phone calls. Ozzy Osbourne was baffled by the fuss. He understood every word.

* KERRY up-date: Mum’s gone to booze-land.

* WHO prescribes Kerry’s medication? 1) Dr Jim Beam 2) Dr Johnnie Walker…

* HAS Alexandra Armstrong been on Kerry Katona’s medication? He made a proper pig’s ear of hosting Have I Got News For You tripping over his words within moments of it starting. “If you forget next time, it’s written up there for you,” Paul Merton mocked, indicating the autocue.

* GAGS of the week. Andrew Alexander: Obama is now so far ahead in the polls most Americans are asking, will it be a landslide – or will the CIA find another, even more ingenious way to kill him.

JIMMY Carr on the MoD’s UFO files: “I didn’t wanr to admit I’d seen a UFO in case I was branded a nutter,” said one nutter.

* WOMEN Gok Wan should gather together and hose down: Kara Tointon, Holly Willoughby, Gemma Arterton…But let ’em all wear t-shirts.

RANDOM irritations: Dave Walliams comparing Little Britain to The Life Of Brian. Lippy kids in soaps. Live cooking shows as Friday night entertainment. Inspector Frost afflicted with absurd plots and a plodding pace. Dannii Minogue moaning about having to make decisions on the X Factor – that’s the job, love, if you don’t like it quit.

* SMALL joys of TV: Transvestite Wives – hands up everyone who saw Scottish housewife Sheila and assumed that she was the bloke in drag. Rosie Webster - the Great Ex-Stape. The magnificent Les Dawson statue unveiled at Lytham (The One Show). Roll on Benny Hill’s erection.

* HITLER wanted a Nazi TV network. His proposed shows are thought to have included Coronation Strasse, They Think It’s Hanover, Celebrity Scissor Hans, Hess of The Doodlebugs…

* SEPARATED at birth: banker Mart (Jason Watkins) in Wired and Porky Pig. One a pink-faced bore with his snout in the trough, the other a kids’ puppet.

* ANYONE else think that in Paul Daniels’s Tesco ads he looks LIDL?

* BUS passengers were frozen like “mosquitoes in amber” on Fringe. Horrible yes, but still more enjoyable than any trip on the Northern Line.

* RICKY Gervais talks to the dead in his new film. Did he contact Di to apologize for bombing at her memorial gig? Don’t mention that Ghost Town flopped in the US – it’s lost more money than Morgan Stanley.

OCT 19. THE Street left EastEnders choking in its dust this week. They had menace, tension, angst and passion. Walford had Jane doing comedy and Stacy chucking water over Ronnie – two wash-outs for the price of one. On Corrie, the best man lost. Yep, Liam Connor’s a goner – run over by Tony Gordon’s callous henchman. Odd cove, Tony. When he first arrived he was the genial, go-getting Scottish boss of a catalogue lingerie firm. Now he’s more like the Loch Ness mobster – ordering hits, evicting pensioners, stealing pick-up trucks, besmirching the good name of Glasgow Rangers… Unsavoury, yes, but it was only to be expected. The middle classes generally turn out to be wrong’uns in Weatherfield. Serial killer Richard Hillman was a financial adviser; Mad Maya, a solicitor, Alan Bradley a businessman. Next, former teacher John Stape will emerge as Rosie’s kidnapper. Hey Kev, Stape’s in town. Lock up your daughters – before he does… Surely it won’t be long before Ted, an affable cultured man, is exposed as a secret cannibal feasting on the fleshy remains of Sean Tully (who probably tastes like ham, too).

The hectic pace of Corrie’s “Mur-dah” week diverted attention from some unlikely details. 1) Tony apparently has no mates or work colleagues outside of Coronation Street. 2) No-one noticed his day-long repertoire of sinister stares and loaded asides. 3) Cruella Carla invited Leanne to her hen party - the same Leanne who was her dead husband’s whore. Yeah, right. 4) Carla then dumped Liam when she found out Maria was pregnant. Why would she care? a) She hates Maria b) She’s a selfish amoral bitch. Carla covered up the death of immigrant worker Kasia Barowicz without a second thought. She wouldn’t give a flying duck about breaking Maria’s heart. Inevitably Tony will pay for his crime. Corrie men always do. But lately there’s a tendency to let female characters off the hook. Teresa Morton got away with attempted murder. And the only one certain to suffer after Becky’s drunken crime spree is Steve McDonald. You can almost feel the hot breath of Moaning Michelle circling over-head like a vulture waiting to feast on the bones of their doomed relationship.

* SIAN Lloyd was on her back, legs akimbo on Hole In The Wall. Harry Hill observed “I can’t help feeling if she’d done that a bit more often her boyfriend wouldn’t have left her for a Cheeky Girl.” Yes TV Burp is back with Harry on belchingly fine form. In his mad world, naked men running from cops on Frost were coming from John Barrowman’s Torchwood wrap party, and Emmerdale’s Andy Sugden tried to top himself with an over-dose of Tic-Tacs. H spotted the absurdity of Bear Grylls with diarrhoea drinking water from his pants “pretty much the definition of a vicious circle”; and exposed the Bayeux Tapestry cunningly concealed on Carla Connor’s comely thigh. He’s sarky and surreal but always affectionate. Here’s hoping he picks up on ineffective Alasdair on The Restaurant and sex bomb-site Thea on Natural Born Sellers.

* ITV is to market products based on their hit shows. Just think twice before you order that Wire In The Blood slurpee.

* REJECTED ITV merchandise ideas: 1) The Emmerdale rape alarm 2) The Teresa Morton pill OD kit – kills 99% of all known husbands 3) The Michelle Ryan Inflatable Bionic Woman. 4) The Betty Williams 3-speed back-shaver and hot pot ladle 5) The Tony Gordon giant eye spy surveillance kit – she’ll never cheat without you knowing again (cont QVC)

HOT on TV: Peter Kay’s X Factor spoof – he’s still got the laugh factor…Tony Gordon (Corrie) – licensed to kilt…Harry Hill’s TV Burp…Burn Notice (FX)…Bernard Hill…Sarah Silverman…and Frank Skinner Live In Birmingham – forensically filthy.

ROT on TV: lardy Tarby (One Night Only) – lazy and stale…Cracking Up – memo to Alistair Campbell: try belting up …Imagine – Alan Yentob’s ego trip hits a new low…Bobski The Builder…and The Sex Education Show – it certainly taught me a lesson: never expect decent documentaries from C4.

* WIRED was set in the good old days when the banks were flush – September. Phillip, a villain with more fiddles on the go than the London Philharmonic, forced City worker Louise into a major fraud. Why didn’t he just open his own bank, plead insolvency, and get a government bail-out?

* THERE was a griffin on TV last night – a monstrous squawking bird with the body of a beast. But enough about Arlene Phillips…

* JAY keeps rudely abusing Dawn on EastEnders. Don’t worry, love. He’s 14. With his genes, it’s probably a mid-life crisis.

* WHO will be the next comic to land a TV travel show? I hear Alan Carr is holding out for the Horn of Africa.

* RANDOM irritations: Stephen Fry swanning around America – let him pay for his own holidays. Robert Peston’s Dalek drone. No England games on terrestrial TV. And Sky’s admirable anti-knife campaign being fronted by Donal McIntyre – one man half the country would like to stab.

* SEPARATED at birth: Grimly Feendish and Dara O’Briain? One an over-weight, potato-faced slap-head trying to ferment evil; the other a cartoon villain.

* IMAGINE: Dangerous Liaisons was embarrassing tripe. Even Yentob looked bored. You can still see it on-line, though. The BBC iPlayer: making the unwatchable unavoidable.

SMALL joys of TV: Jilly Goolden’s reaction to squirrel pie – bite, chew, heave, run (Britain’s Best Dish). 2 Up, 2 Down (Britain’s Got The Pop Factor). Any abuse aimed at Ashley Cole. Boxing broker David Peters (Greatest Cities Of The World). And Tony Gordon face masks – scarier than Janice out of make-up.

* FHM reckons the bearded George Clooney looks like me. I’ll get back to this just as soon as my missus stops laughing.

* JIMMY Carr: Madonna is actually 50 but she’s got the body of a man half her age.

OCT 12. Sky One’s hot new sci-fi show Fringe kicked off with a plane-load of melting passengers. Horrific yes, but it’s the only way Celeb Air would have been watchable. When Flight 627 from Hamburg touched down at Boston’s Logan Airport, there was nothing left on board except bones. Talk about Queasy-Jet. They were giving out sick-bags to the ground crew. It brought new meaning to the term, skeleton staff, and prompted the question: just how bad was that in-flight entertainment? But on the plus side at least there were no complaints about the food. Cut to foxy FBI heroine Olivia Dunham shagging boyfriend, John. The phone rings with the terrible news and suddenly we’re deep in X-Files territory, facing things that defy all rational explanation. For starters, while taking the call Olivia manages to put on her bra and blouse one-handed in seven seconds flat. Even Fox Mulder wouldn’t have swallowed that.

Naturally she has a tough boss who doesn’t like her; and faces heavy opposition in the shape of Massive Dynamic, who sound like a trip hop band but are actually a sinister US corporation dabbling in scientific badness, evil experiments and Icelandic banking (probably). The manager, Nasty Nina has a bionic arm James May would die for, and her job involves gloriously daft dialogue like: “How long has he been dead?” “Five hours.” “Question him!” Olivia (Anna Torv) seems remarkably gullible. An incontinent boffin, fresh from 17 years in the nut-house, persuades her to strip to her smalls, take LSD and Ketamine, and lay in a rusty floatation tank so she can communicate telepathically with her comatose lover. But it works! Far-fetched yes, but still far more believable than EastEnders. This self-irrigating Einstein is Dr Walter Bishop. And, as John turns out to be a wrong’un, Walt’s renegade son Peter becomes Olivia’s smart and sarcastic crime-fighting partner. She is as trusting as Mulder and he is as sceptical as Scully (see what they’ve done there?) Masterminded by Lost’s JJ Abrams, Fringe is stylish, neatly produced and plugs in to modern concerns like bioterrorism and big business behaving badly. The truth, like the X-Files audience, is out there.

* THE economy is in melt-down, criminally reckless traders are off the hook, and incompetent bankers are getting bail-outs from the public purse whether we like it on not. And what did Dispatches chose to investigate? Lap-dancing clubs! This Bears-Dump-In-Woods exposé found that some dancers will get raunchier for cash. Some even offer “extras”. Well blow me (in a private booth). “You walk in, and five minutes later two girls you hardly know are completely naked in front of you,” said C4’s reporter, adding: “It's quite shocking.” Naked women in a lap-dancing club? Shocking indeed. Naturally his pretend naivety was illustrated by graphic, and heavily repeated hidden camera footage. Hmm. Here’s another scandal for Dispatches to expose. It’s a TV channel, purporting to be a public service broadcaster, which brazenly pumps out free soft porn in direct competition with honest adult channels. It’s called Channel 4 and I know how to find them. Just go to Horseferry Road and follow the smell.

* JAY Leno is having a field day with the banking crisis. “The economy is so bad,” he said, “I saw a guy with a metal detector looking for coins – and he was in a bank…I saw Bill Gates buying Lottery tickets…even the Mob are doing credit checks now.”

* THE funniest thing about the banking crisis? Ken Dodd was right! Leno reckons the world’s most stable bank now is the West Bank. If Mum’s gone to Iceland, it’s to check how much she’s lost. Suzy Branning should never have flogged that gold bar.

* JIMMY Carr: “The housing market is so bad the property ladder’s a snake.”

* FAMILY soap EastEnders showed Christian and Lee vigorously French-kissing in public. Perhaps this happens all the time in Hampstead. Perhaps the BBC’s “Director of Vision” Jana Bennett trots out her kids to give exhibitionist gays a round of applause and an orange to suck at half-time. But carry on like that in the real East End and isn’t it like that you’d get a bucket of water thrown over you? If you were lucky…

* GARRY Hobbs spent the night with Dawn and “didn’t take advantage”. Muppet.

HOT on TV: Burn Notice (FX, right) – I spy quality …Heroes…Fringe –heaving on a jet-plane… Anna Torv – a Fringe benefit…Breaking Bad – another fine meth…Banged Up Abroad….and Prison Break – addictively bonkers.

ROT on TV: Eli Stone – Ally McBilge…Celebrity Dung-Bung – a waste of Alan Carr’s talents; a Carr-crash in fact…Sunshine – Coogan’s duff…Twiggy’s Frock Exchange – frock off…and Psychic Therapy – why didn’t Gordon Smith foresee how balls-achingly dull this was going to be?

* CORRIE filmed three different endings for Liam. But as they all involve him dying, where’s the suspense? Shame no-one thought of option four: Liam gets a personality.

* STEPHEN Mulhern was amazed when ‘psychic’ Sally Morgan mentioned his Dad’s name. How did she know? he gasped. Beats me, mate. It’s not like anyone at ITV would have access to your agent, your biography or your press cuttings.

* PAUL Merton in India, Pasquale in Costa Rica, Griff and Stephen Fry in the US …maybe Judith Chalmers should try stand-up. She couldn’t do any worse than Alexa Chung…

* BIG Cat Live. Not to be confused with Jessie Wallace on Strictly – that’s Big Kat Live & Lumpy.

* ERIC Knowles, describing a female Art Deco figurine on the Antique Roadshow, observed: "She simply shouts period!" Most un-ladylike.

* IF there is a British Style Genius why do some many people dress like tramps?

* SEPARATED at birth: Bruno Tonioli and Topo Gigio? One an irritating rat-like creature, the other a kids’ puppet.

* I WANTED to like Sunshine. Bernard Hill was brilliant, as ever, but Coogan's character Bing was intensely irritating. Dim, treacherous and a bad dad...I couldn't see why Bernadette would have stuck with him; or why we were meant to like him. Losers have to be likeable or why would we care? The show had warmth and buckets of schmaltz but, unfortunately for a comedy drama, very few laughs. The best thing about it was the scam at the end. Unfortunately we’d already seen it on The Sting.

SMALL joys of TV: Frank Skinner’s Bin Laden song. Cyndi Lauper on Graham Norton. New super-baddies on Heroes. EastEnders’ hilarious Children In Need trailer. And Thea (Natural Born Salesmen) being an anagram of hate.

RANDOM irritations: Tess Daly’s fixed grin, she looks like an escort girl who’s far too eager to please. BBC business bod Robert Peston - talks like he’s being strangled and looks permanently worried. Must do wonders for market confidence.

Oct 10: Under the smokescreen of the banking crisis, the European Parliament today voted 1) to formally adopt Beethoven's Ode To Joy as the European 'national anthem'; and 2) for the EU flag to be flown from all parliament buildings. Two moves along the road to their covert goal of imposing “Europe a nation” on us. As you may recall, EU leaders deliberately kept these trappings of nationhood out of the Lisbon Treaty so that they could pretend the Treaty was not about creating a European super-state. But of course it was. This whole process has been planned, and imposed on us, for more than fifty years. At all-times the architects of the new Europe have operated with dishonesty, duplicity and a total contempt for democracy. Machiavelli would have been proud of them.

Oct 5. BOO! Tony had his chance to bump off Liam on Corrie and bottled it. Pop-eyed Tone took his love rival to a perfect murder mystery hotel, got him tipsy and coaxed him into a dangerous cave - just to ask him to be his best man. What kind of revenge is that? The guy sleeps with your wife-to-be and you hit back by exposing him as a poor public speaker? Bah! Of course we know Liam has less chance of delivering the ring than Frodo Baggins. But there’s still a whiff of anti-climax hanging over this week’s episodes - and it’s competing for space with all the disbelief we’ve had to suspend to buy any of it. For starters, we saw several scenes of a Scotsman recklessly buying champagne. Where does that happen? Then there was the Mortons moving to Spain on a whim. Jerry didn’t bother selling his house or business, he just went. Who knew there was so much money in backstreet kebab shops? Janice and Leanne didn’t need to open an account in Dozy Rosie’s name to keep their Lotto win secret. And Liam didn’t need Carla’s £50K either. He’s flush. Pop-Eye paid him more than three times that to buy him out of Underworld, and all Liam has invested in is a juke-box.

But if the Street’s plot lines are as flawed as the global banking system, it’s still a damn sight more watchable than EastEnders, which is equally contrived with none of the excitement. Carla is potentially the best business bitch since Alexis in Dynasty. You can see why Liam, having already enjoyed one successful merger with her, longs to experience sudden liquidity all over again. And the flirtation in her voice when she demanded “a full debrief” showed the attraction is still mutual. Pop-Eye’s vengeance, when it comes, will be spectacular. Liam has less future than Jason and Becky’s relationship. He is a Dead Man Lusting.

* THAT cave was dark, gaping and terrifying. A bit like staring in to the abyss that is Janice Battersby’s gob. What will the gargoyle do with her Lotto dosh? Buy a lack-of-charm bracelet? She certainly doesn’t need bigger turn-ups. Have you seen the size of them? Rosie Webster could be hiding in there.

* AT least Marjorie Dawes was funny. The rest of Little Britain USA stank like a kipper’s privates. Lazy shock tactics and dull new characters make this new series a comedy black hole. Who told Walliams that Bing the boring astronaut was worth screen time? You feel like shaking them and saying “Try harder!” (Harry and Paul too). Once inspired, Lucas and Walliams are now over-praised, over-indulged and under-produced. Their glaringly obvious gags rarely rise above the level of playground graffiti. The Chuckle Brothers look like the Cambridge Footlights in comparison.

* THEY’VE got a new super-villain on Heroes. Dishy Daphne can run so fast, even time-freezing Hiro can’t stop her. She makes Usain Bolt look like Keith Miller. Just think how many carbs Daphne has to consume to expend that much energy. She must eat like Heather Trott with worms, and yet she still looks gorgeous. There’s only one drawback to running this quick. Every day she’d get through five pairs of trainers.

* EVIL Sylar scalped Claire and poked about in her brain on Heroes. Don’t try it with Carla Romano mate, there’s nothing there.

HOT on TV: Breaking Bad (FX) – looking good…Heroes…Simon Amstell (Buzzcocks)…and Natural Born Sellers – ITV’s Apprentice rip-off is quality seconds.

ROT on TV: Dawn Porter, Free Lover – yawn-ography… Beautiful People – hideous script… Little Britain USA – this return’s as welcome as Mandelson’s…Living With Boy George – I could live without him …Richard Wilson (Merlin) – you won’t believe it… and Coming Of Age – stinks like Charles Saatchi on his all-egg diet.

* BIG surprises on Strictly Come Dancing. Who'd have thought Gillian Taylforth would be the first woman to go down? Craig Revel Horrid said she was “a bit rough around the edges” to which a million viewers replied “Yes but what about the dancing?”

* SOME people expand their horizons after leaving EastEnders, with Jelly Wallace it’s just her arse. Good to see she isn’t a one-trick pony, though. More like a cart-house.

SMALL joys of TV: Archie’s footsteps on Monday’s EastEnders – it sounded like he was wearing sling-backs. The flying car (James May’s Big Ideas). And Thea on Natural Born Sellers – a wonderful grotesque, completely devoid of self-awareness; Thea gurns like Wallace & Gromit’s tortoise.

* RANDOM irritations: Weeping wallies on X Factor – men their age face mortar fire in Afghanistan without complaint and these twerps sob over a TV talent show. Grow up! Merlin – through the alchemy of BBC1, see the magic of the Arthurian legends turned into sh**e. And Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen’s ancestry – who gives a toss? The man is as pointless as the Lib-Dims. His folks could be spaniels crossed with Regency fops for all I care.

* NO sign of the credit crunch in Walford. Callum turned down a grand, Brad casually bet £10K on the gee-gees. They’ve always got money to burn on ’Enders. Billy gave away Jase’s filthy lucre, Stacy turned her nose up at Max’s £40K... It’s a sure sign the people writing this garbage have never gone without in their lives.

* SEPARATED at birth: Tony, EastEnders paedo, and Cartoon Head from Ideal.

* TONY’S top three Vic juke-box picks: ‘Young Girl’ – Gary Puckett, ‘Jailbait’ – Wishbone Ash; ‘Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon’ – Neil Diamond.

* NASTY Nick is coming back – yeah, that’s all we need, another two-dimensional cartoon goon in the Square.

* QUESTION for Raymond Blanc: If a wine waitress gives you wine and a bread waitress gives you bread, why doesn’t the head waitress make you happier?

* PIERS Morgan interviewed Tracy Emin. How has this charmless charlatan got away with it for all these years, thought Tracy.

Sept 28. SURELY Amy Connolly will win The X-Factor. The 18-year-old blonde from Watford has it all: the tragic back story, the girl-next-door good looks and a voice that’s mature, controlled and note-perfect. Amy’s heartfelt version of Faith Hill’s ‘There You’ll Be’ last weekend reduced Cheryl to (genuine) tears. Dannii liked it too but it was hard to tell. Her face is incapable of registering emotion. You could stick Dannii’s left breast in a box full of angry wasps and she’d still look blanker than the cheque Bush wants Congress to write for Wall Street.

Amy’s performance catapulted Faith’s hit back into the download charts and lit up dollar signs in Simon Cowell’s eyes. She has real competition though, notably from Rachel Hylton, Hannah Bradbeer and Laura White. Odds are two of them will end up in the final. The problem is we have to sit through months of eliminations before we get there…

Boot camp marks the transition from X-Factor’s good bit – desperate wannabes, deluded fools and rubbish auditions – to the long often tedious drag of ‘Abba week’ and the rest. My patented X-Factor drinking game will get you through it, though - just neck a shot of the hard stuff every time one of the judges says “You nailed it”, “You owned the stage” or “You made that song your own.” And wash it down with a beer chaser whenever a contender declares “I want this so much” or “It’s been a roller-coaster ride” or “I’ve been on a journey.” It’s fashionable to sneer at X-Factor. It’s a well-oiled Panzer tank of a show: brutally cynical, dishonest and manipulative. Some contenders are more suited to a psychiatric ward. And we know previous losers are coaxed back on to the show to cop another bucket-load of prime time dream-crushing rejection. But those who complain about it are idiots. This is television, this is what it does. X-Factor in particular is fuelled by humiliation, insincerity and X-ploitation. The bottom line though is it is frequently hilarious. Ant and Seb, dreadlocked Ariel and Holly “the Horror” Jervis cheered up a dreary summer. The joy of Guylene “singing notes that have never been invented” more than makes up for the irritation of endless Westlife on the soundtrack. The wait for a series showcasing bands and singers who write their own material continues.

* RANDOM irritations: David Blaine hanging upside down. Can’t we hang him by the neck for wasting our time? Or better still string up a few parasite speculators. Andrew ‘Comb-over’ Neil gets my goat too. His face looks like it gets spanked daily with a fistful of spam.

* JAY Leno on the fat cats’ financial crisis: “Here’s how it works: when you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay.”

* LET me know when Tony is out of EastEnders please. I can’t stand this toxic creep. Has there ever been a duller soap villain? He’s like a black hole in human form. Even his ears annoy me. Are they so big and red cos Whitney’s been hanging off them? Torpid Tone manages to outdo Stacey in the glum stakes. When he was little his local park had mood swings. Tony has a lot of time on his hands now, but hopefully he’ll have more soon - ten years in Belmarsh.

* POISON prawns, paedophilia and guns without triggers; if ever a show was in need of an HBOS style rescue package it’s this one.

* YOU know what makes me angry, Griff Rhys Jones? A former comedian turned professional smug git persuading the BBC to commission his own production company to make two hour-long documentaries about him and his temper. Who gives a rat’s arse if Griff loses it morning, noon and night? He could have the disposition of Caligula with a toothache for all I care. What matters more is that he hasn’t been funny for at least ten years, that he’s a lousy interviewer, and that the resulting programme was patchier than a convention of pirates. Besides Griff is a famous, public school educated millionaire. What’s he got to be angry about?

* THINGS that make me seethe: Griff wheeling out two-faced hypocrite George Galloway as the spokesman for “righteous indignation.” Cosy, kid-glove analysis of political conferences. Taxpayers having to fund S4C – half a billion quid to date. Let Welsh speakers pay for their own gibberish.

HOT on TV: Lost In Austen finale…Place Of Execution … Fonejacker (E4)…schoolgirl actress Lois Edmett (Poirot)…Stephen K Amos…and Celebrity Adrenaline Junkie – let Jack Osbourne run the next jungle challenges, ITV.

ROT on TV: The Family… Losing It – does the title refer to Griff’s temper or his comedy career? … Michelle’s return (Corrie) – she sucks the life out of the soap...and EastEnders – and you thought Beijing had a thick, nasty atmosphere.

* ARE celebs booked for Hole In The Wall on the basis of how daft they’d look in lycra? Vanessa resembled an over-stuffed oven-ready turkey in Bacofoil. Bring on Supernanny! Slam in the (Amy) Lamé!

* JIMMY Carr on Clarkson: “He’s aged badly. He’s gone from nought to 60 in 45 years.”

* ITV's afternoon line-up: Sixty Minute Makeover followed by the Alan Titchmarsh Show – otherwise known as the Sixty Minute Sleepover.

SMALL joys of TV: hefty Helga sent flying on American Gladiators. Cops singing the Pogues’ ‘Body Of An American’ at McNulty’s fake-wake leaving do (The Wire). Balloon-popping Mike Phelan making Fergie jump (Sky Sports 1). Rosie’s corset (Corrie). June Brown (EastEnders) – make her a dame. And Right Said Fred’s Richard Fairbrass on The Daily Politics, although he failed to condemn ID cards as “deeply dippy”.

* ROBSON Green Extreme Fishing… does he use body parts from Wire In The Blood for bait?

* STEPHEN K. Amos sparkled on For One Night Only, but amiable Mark Watson seemed to just give up and shuffle off. Neither comic was side-splitting. Why not use proven talent like Adrian Walsh? Comedy: it’s no job for a novice either.

* THE Blue Goose team were well and truly ducked on The Restaurant. Surely the Welsh Wok will be wolling out next? Peter’s chances of winning are thinner than Lindsay’s lips.

* QUESTIONS: why aren’t the US Republican candidates known as Ailin’ and Palin? Technically, should Belle’s punters on Secret Diary of a Call-Girl be known as Billie-pipers? Why don’t Luton Town sign Eskimo strikers? They need men who can play at minus 20.

Sept 21. WE’RE supposed to be cutting down on the use of plastic bags, aren’t we? So why book Joan Rivers to co-host For One Night Only? Rivers made a complete pigs’ ear out of it, which, ironically are what her lips are probably made of these days. First she did two of Bob Monkhouse’s most famous gags and mucked them up – her face would have fallen but the staples behind her lug-holes kept it in place. Then she turned the show’s grand finale into amateur hour. All night long Rivers and Vernon Kay had been boasting that ITV’s new live variety show would end with “something insanely special…something absolutely unmissable.” It turned out to be a mediocre version of a song from Chicago and an under-rehearsed magic trick which Rivers ruined. At one stage she appeared to have four hands - the only show of hands she deserved.

The caustic Joan of the 1970s would have slaughtered the gaga old dame we saw on our screens. She’s 75 trying to look forty, pumped full of Botox; her face stretched so tight she resembles a wax-work in a wind tunnel. Rivers now is like some addled old bag-lady, regurgitating the same tired digs about Katie Holmes and Angelina. But it’s not entirely her fault. What was the producer thinking? Why have Rivers and Kay perform a magic act? They’re not magicians. She’s a potty-mouthed comic past her prime. He’s a gormless gurner whose talents begin and end at reading an autocue. Nice bloke, but he’s not variety.

Why not book entertainers who know what they’re doing as hosts? Brian Conley was superb at his last Royal show. There’s Bradley Walsh, Bobby Davro, Lee Mack, Mark Walker…people who were born to perform. The only amazing act on this bill was Lazaro, the contortionist. Boyzone would have been a great booking in 1999. Comedian Milton Jones had some neat lines but why bill him as “top new talent”? Milton won the Perrier in 1996. He’s been going since before Vernon hit puberty. Britain has scores of brilliant performers, but TV doesn’t know what to do with them. The art of producing variety died with David Bell. Nigel Lythgoe could do it, but we’ve lost him to US telly. Reinvent variety? This show is more likely to be the final big, rusty nail through its heart.

* ODD. The anagram of Vernon Kay is exactly how you should greet him in the street: “Yo! Vannker!”

* NOEL Edmonds announced he has two bouncing orbs constantly on his shoulders. Peter Andre said: “Tell me about it.”

* MOST of the charges directed at Jim Davidson on The Dark Side Of Fame carry as much weight as Lehman Brothers stock. ‘Homophobic’? Brian, Jim’s gay dresser, lived in Jim’s house with him for three years. When Brian had a stroke Jim looked after him and quietly paid for his hospital treatment. Snooty pundit Kevin O’Sullivan claimed Jim had “failed to adapt” his act – odd from a man who’s failed to adapt his hairstyle since 1989. And also quite wrong. Live, Davidson is one of our sharpest observational comedians: raw, filthy, and hilariously controversial. He stopped doing Chalky gags 15 years ago. To claim “the nation turned against” Jim after Hell’s Kitchen when his next tour sold out is liberal baloney.

* WITLESS Whitney is rehearsing ‘Romeo & Julie’ with her paedo step-dad on EastEnders. Imagine that: “O Romeo, Romeo, why-for art thou up the Brownies hut again, Romeo?” BBC1 justify this sick storyline by saying “it happens”. But a lot of things happen in real life that we don’t see in Walford. People stay faithful, crack jokes, smile; some even commute to work. And if Toxic Tony was caught fiddling with Whitney in the real East End, he’d get the kicking of his life.

HOT on TV: The Wrong Door (BBC3) – crackling with comic imagination…Al Murray…Entourage…No Heroics (ITV2) – potentially super-funny…Massive (BBC3)…You’ve Been Framed Funniest 100.

ROT on TV: The Family – makes EastEnders seem uplifting…I Want To Work For Diddy – not a jam butty mine in sight…All-Star Family Fortune – bring back the everyday families…The Sex Education Show – as much fun as syphilis.

* PEOPLE were severely hacked off on Wire In The Blood last week – in fact four poor sods were cut up alive. The killer turned out to be a therapist. Of course! It’s always the middle class professional who dunnit on TV. Expect a plague of marauding investment bankers any day now.

* MEMO to The Restaurant’s sexy Sarah Willingham: I’m on Britain’s Best Celebrity Dish shortly, could you pop round and rate my plating-up techniques?

* WHO does Piers Morgan’s make-up, Krusty The Clown? He’s yellow from the cheeks up. His chin’s bright pink. And some evil swine’s paralysed his forehead with Simon Cowell’s left-over Botox.

* RANDOM irritations: Merlin reinvented as a back-packing teen. Grown men weeping (who aren’t bankers). And Biggins. He used to be a decent actor, now he’s just a professional fat buffoon.

* MERLIN had magic, telekinesis and a dragon, but the biggest fantasy was King Uther’s multi-ethnic court. What? In the fifth century? Gertcha.

* ON Merlin, a hideous witch put the King to sleep by singing. I believe her coven name was ‘Celine.’

* DALE Winton’s commitment to quality TV knows no bounds. The man who gave us Supermarket Sweep, Pets Win Prizes and Touch The Truck has surpassed himself with Hole In The Wall. This mad show, which forces d-list celebs to fit through differently shaped holes or get dunked in to a pool, is guaranteed a place in future TV Hell compilations. Some say we need this kind of telly like we need a hole in the head, I say it’s a kind of genius. Maybe.

* SMALL joys of TV: Noel pulling out the stops for Royal Marine hero Matt Croucher (Noel’s HQ). Holly Willoughby – wholly wonderful. And Sheree Hewson getting smashed into a swimming pool on Dale Winton’s barking mad Hole In The Wall.

* Please note: George Michael’s hole in the wall game is quite different.

* BRUCIE has met with the Pope. Did he ask: “What do Pontiffs make? Prizes!” Or just suggest a quick game of Play Your Cardinals Right? They must have had plenty to talk about. It’s not every day His Holiness meets someone who went to school with Moses.

Sept 14. JASON from Footballers’ Wives turned up as maverick cop Chris Collins on Wire In The Blood. He was heavily in to S&M games with dishy divorcee Colette. He cuffed her, kissed her and before she knew it a police chopper was hovering over her head… She didn’t come quietly. At one stage, the romantic fool broke in to her house wearing a rape-mask. Talk about PC gone mad. We’re probably meant to think he is the mystery man who abducted Colette at the end of the episode. Not unusually for Bradford, someone has been kidnapping, torturing and killing folk…which must do wonders for house prices. The first corpse was a dismembered Kurdish prostitute left in a suitcase. Her Dad was pretty cut up about it. But not as much as his daughter. Plod would be as stumped as the victim if it wasn’t for clinical psychologist Tony Hills. This semi-autistic genius gets into the bad guys’ heads with uncanny accuracy. Useless DI Alex can’t interrogate a suspect without Tone telling her what to ask.

He found a lake containing more cases. It wasn’t Terminal 5’s lost luggage. Three more partially dismembered bodies were inside. Hills also worked out the torture angle which led the cops to raid an S&M party straight out of a C4 sex education show. Run by Elektra, a foxy dominatrix with a prosthetic hand, it was the sort of place where a simple question like “Do you like Spurs?” could get you in all kinds of trouble. All we know is the killer is a sadist who feeds his victims gourmet cooking before cutting off their limbs and slaughtering ’em. So is he a TV chef? A rogue Paralympics scout? Colette’s “weirdo” ex-husband? Or some middle class professional we’ve seen but don’t yet suspect? (They’re generally the wrong’uns in TV dramas.) Human butchery has become a staple of ITV crime shows; the good, the bad and the offal. Robson Green as Hills makes this better than most, but Wire lacks the dark humour and charm of Dexter. The blood and gore seems like a substitute for depth. The best US shows feature more rounded characters and more complex relationships. ITV hit the mark with Cracker, but have yet to surpass it.

* DUNCAN Bannatyne’s alleged sex-life brings new meaning to his catchphrases. “Let me tell you where I am.” That’s OK, Dunc, we’ll guess - is it in the bedroom with your dick out again? Judging by the pictures, his interest in dragons extends well beyond his TV show.

* NINE couples competed to take over eight restaurants on The Restaurant. Shame the Beeb doesn’t approach Strictly Come Dancing the same way: sixteen female dancers, fifteen gowns…first come, first served. “Sorry Kristina, too slow, love; so tonight you’ll be performing in your under-crackers…” Male viewing figures would shoot up. Although the strain on John Sergeant’s heart may prove fatal. Poor old Tarby took one look at Flavia in her sparklies last year and pulled out with palpitations.

* THE Restaurant served up: cocky kick-boxer James who cooked his spuds in water that tasted of detergent. (Chef’s Special? No he’s not!) Helen and Steve, whose “fruity Frisbees for kids” are surely destined to redecorate their walls within days of opening. And airline cabin crew Richard and Scott whose signature dish was pea-soup in a loaf of bread. Peas off! What a bloomer. No wonder Raymond Blanc got a cob on. First out? Annette and Kashelle who served tinned mango puree with cream. Popping out for a bag of chips would have taxed them more.

* MICHELLE dubbed her restaurant “The Cheerful Soul.” The R. Soul is already trademarked by Jamie Oliver. Why isn’t the Chinese-Welsh couple’s place called the Chow Mine?

HOT on TV: Raymond Blanc and his sidekicks (The Restaurant) – deadlier than Sugar… Holly Willoughby (The Xtra Factor – lucky extra)…new Entourage (ITV2)…Al Murray…Lost In Austen… …and Vietnam Battle Stories (Nat Geographic) – living history.

ROT on TV: EastEnders’ ‘Gary Glitter’ plot – as welcome as a gas boss at a pensioners’ party…Deborah Meaden – Gollum in a frock…Secret Diary of A Call-Girl - no sex, no point…A Number – yeah, a big fat zero…Celeb Air – Terminal Bore…and Piers Morgan – no wit, no insight, just pure ego.

* RE John’s “leg-over poetry” on Corrie, here’s what he meant to say: “Come on Fiz/Let’s do the biz/And settle down all cosy/Despite your size/I’m bound to rise/Cos I’ll be thinking hard of Rosie.”

* CHECK out the finger-nails of that geezer on the Calgon ads. They’re immaculate. If he’s a plumber I’m nailing Sarah Palin.

* OBAMA reckons you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. Easy to say, but at least Zak Dingle’s tried it.

* WHEN boffins switched on the ‘Big Bang’ machine on Wednesday, was I alone in wishing Beadle were still alive to creep up behind them and pop a balloon?

* IS Matthew Wright flogging season tickets to his show? Most of that audience are there day in, day out. Are they fans, or is just somewhere to shelter from the rain when the soup kitchen’s shut?

RANDOM irritations: Russell Brand’s dire, misjudged performance at the VMAs. Lewis Hamilton robbed of victory (Belgian Grand Prix). The fact that we can watch Angus Deayton playing football on mainstream telly, but not the England game. The song ‘Hero’ playing under an act of mundane efficiency (Celeb Air). And “comedian” Amy Lamé – when has she ever been funny?

* PIERS Morgan’s interviewing skills remain as unproven as Higgs’s Boson. His charmless chat with Pamela Anderson mixed lechery with hypocrisy. Highlight? Pammy clearly forgetting they’d ever met.

* TOP three babes vying to inherit Pam’s throne: 1) Audrina Partridge (The Hills) 2) Kimberly, Pussycat Dolls 3) Imogen Bailey (Neighbours).

SMALL joys of TV: Rick Sky’s wig on The Dark Side of Fame – even dafter than Piers. Ainsley’s reaction to finding out an ancestor was a white slave owner. Paul Kaye as evil Dr Wasabi (Chop Socky Chooks). Jamelia’s smile. Hoodies (Harry & Paul). And that woman with the cleavage Ian Beale was spying on – sign her up, Enders!

Sept 7: PRISON Break is back, and it makes as much sense as Lily Allen at an awards ceremony. Don’t get me wrong. I love this show, but it’s now so far beyond crazy that even Jean Slater might notice. For starters, Sara, who was beheaded last series, is alive again. T-Bag, the friendly neighbourhood psycho, has turned cannibal, prompting the classic line: “What’s wrong, man, you eat some bad Mexican?” And our hero Michael Scofield has had all his tattoos removed. In one sitting. Without anaesthetic. And without leaving a single scar… Scofield had the blueprint of Fox River penitentiary inked on his body to spring his brother Linc (framed for murder) in series one. But after that, his tatts became redundant and to save the make-up ladies any bother he did all his porridge in the sweltering heat of Panama’s Sona Prison covered up like a Saudi housewife. At the start it was possible to enjoy Prison Break as great escapist drama. Now it’s like the ravings of an acid-dropping paranoiac. The premise is more stretched than Reed Richards. Scofield’s gang, which currently includes ex-screw Billick and pill-popping FBI nutcase Malone, have become the A-Team. Their freedom depends on them working for Homeland Security to bring down The Company (a sinister mob of super-rich fat-cats.) Confused? Why wouldn’t you be?

Scofield spent all last series trying to break the mysterious Whistler out of Sona for these goons. Evil Gretchen kidnapped his nephew and apparently decapitated Sara (we all dreamt of her giving head but not like that). Now Whistler, who had all their dirty secrets on a memory card, has been shot dead; perhaps permanently. And agent Don Self wants our heroes to find it so he can drive The Company into permanent liquidation. Only there isn’t one card, there are six, which takes care of the next few episodes. Self has teamed them up with a wiz-kid hacker whose handy hi-tech devices would impress Lex Luthor. Their enemies include: Wyatt, the Company’s callous new hit-man. T-Bag - Michael needs the bird book he stole from Whistler. So let’s hope T memorized the pages he ate. Possibly Gretchen, if she doesn’t change sides. And the writers, may they never sober up. Phew. No wonder Michael’s nose is bleeding.

* ITV’s last plane-related format threw celebrities out at 10,000 feet – a fate richly deserved by the comically useless has-beens and never-weres of Celeb Air. Without a parachute. It comes to something when Chico is the biggest star you can muster. (At first I thought they’d signed up Meatloaf but that turned out to be Amy Lamé.) Who cares if Mica Paris can push a trolley or Lisa Scott-Lee can pour champagne? Doling out hot towels is the only way these losers will ever see first class. ITV should have booked Jodie Marsh. At least then there was a chance of a quick “Roger and out.”

NORMAL trumped freak on Big Brother as the nice girl