Aug 26. QUEEN bitch Jasmine was the first out of Celebrity Big Brother, which was a blessed relief for everyone left in there. The woman has the personality of cyanide. Even Fred West would have considered her disturbed. And, to quote Nikki Grahame: “Who is she?” anyway. Jasmine, 27, is said to be a model, presumably for funeral parlours. She looks like a walking cadaver. There are people in Biafra saying “Look at that skinny bitch.” Jas did raise some big questions though. Such as: 27? What in, pounds? Dog years? Emotional intelligence?

Jaundiced Jasmine was rude, abusive, damaged, hurtful, unstable, twisted... and inevitably great TV. She thrived on confrontation. Jas dubbed Danica “a prostitute” and made Rhian’s life hell by claiming she’d led Ashley on and was “manipulative.” This depressed the busty blonde for hours, as she tried to figure out what it meant. (Rhian is thicker than Louis Walsh’s new thatch. To count to two she takes off her bra).

Jasmine’s parting shot was to call both of them “skanky”. What was that about kettles and pots? Pretty face, sure, but one thing you can’t hide is if you’re toxic inside. Strange that we love to watch on screen the kind of people we wouldn’t put up with for five minutes in real life.

So what will Big Brother do for bitching, back-stabbing, front-stabbing drama now? Is Alastair Campbell waiting in the wings? Maybe they’ll send in George Galloway to give them a sex talk, in their sleep. Or perhaps they’ll just let the show chug along nicely, because it’s serving up small joys all the time. Such as Julian Clary dubbing The Situation “the occasional table” cos “He’s so dense, he doesn’t understand jokes.”

Goodyear doesn’t always get them either, but she’s great value. Julie told Cheryl her husband was “a stalker, I couldn’t get rid of the f***er!” Who will win? Speculation is mounting like Julian Assange at a girls’ school sleepover. But my money is still on Clary. Kemp really doesn’t deserve it. Nice guy, sure, but he’s entertaining only when Big Bro tells him what to do. With Julian, it comes naturally. Matron.

*JULIAN joked about a gay hotel called The White Swallow. Book an early morning call there and you’re definitely up with the cock. I can just picture the place: the service is lousy but the decor’s divine.

*THOSE CBB babes in full: “I shagged a celeb”, “I sex-texted a celeb”, “No-one has ever heard of me but I’ve got great tits.”

*I HEAR there was panic when housemates woke up one morning and saw a horse’s head in one of the beds. It took them a moment or two to realise that it was just Julie.

*IF The Situation got pretentious would he call himself The Scenario?

THE oddest thing about Greg Wallace’s edition of Who Do You Think You Are? was that there was no Japanese in his family tree. Have a look! There’s definitely a whiff of Hirohito in there somewhere. Greg was so moved by the sadness in his family history that at times he resembled a large, weeping egg. This show reminds us how hard our forebears had it. Ancestry doesn’t get any tougher than this.

THEY were campaigning to make Tony Blair a saint on The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. It might have been funny if the BBC hadn’t practically built a shrine up his backside while he was PM. Satire is meant to be savage, truthful, and on target. This was none of the above. Instead of taking on the real world, BBC3’s posh young presenters hit out at imaginary bogeymen, like the reporter ranting about Occupy London demonstrators being hippies. Where on telly would you see someone like that? The TV establishment consists almost entirely of former student protestors. Their right-on prejudices are ingrained across broadcasting. Swiping at bankers is fine. But when will they confront the real centre of power: Brussels? There’s more chance of Nick Clegg demanding a full audit of the EU than of a BBC comic taking on the Eurocrats.

HOT on TV: Whatever Happened To Harry Hill... Our War (BBC3) ... Person Of Interest’s James Caviezel (C5).

ROT on TV: C4’s Funny Fortnight – never funny enough... Nicole Scherzinger – as pointless as Red Or Black... Bad Education – must try harder... Just Around The Corner – global yawning.

THE Last Weekend is about middle class rivalry - envious Ian and Ollie the Wally competing until their faces were redder than Prince Harry’s privates. One of them dies. That’s a shame; only one? Let’s hope that it’s Ian who irritatingly talks to us directly through the screen. Did he take advantage of Daisy, Ollie’s wife, at University when she was drunk? We await George Galloway’s verdict. But James Wilmott-Brown is pretty sure she was asking for it.

CAN’T we do the Cartoon Olympics next: Dick Dastardly versus Road Runner! Homer against Taz in a Man Vs Devil eating challenge... Penelope Pitstop’s lust for speed would put Andre Santos to shame. Muttley has done more circuits than Mo Farah. And Zebedee’s spring wouldn’t half come in handy in the high jump.

*DALLAS is back on 5th September. Wonder who’ll turn up in Bobby’s shower this time. Angie Watts, Osama Bin Laden, Ed Balls...

*MY message to the V Festival louts who hurled bottles of urine at poor Cher Lloyd: Cheryl’s on at the 02 in October.

BBC1’s The Riots: In Their Own Words only told half the story. We’ve heard from opportunist tealeaves and hard-pressed cops. How about the innocent shop-keepers whose businesses were wrecked? Or the courageous locals who turned out in force to confront looters?

Random Irritations: India Fisher’s voice-over (Celebrity Masterchef) – posh, insipid and condescending, a lot like the Coalition. Awkwardly staged scenes on X Factor. And any consideration of Ian Brady that ignores the fact that he should have been hanged.

SEPARATED at birth? Jackie Stallone and Scott Tracy? One a jerky, wooden-headed doll, the other a Thunderbirds puppet. Runners-up: Matt Berry’s Steven Toast and Dickie Davies.

SMALL Joys of TV: Danica performing “The Crab” in her underwear (CBB). The Psychics Award Ceremony (Them From That Thing). Lucy Spraggan (X Factor). Mount Pleasant (Sky Living). The Toast Of London voice-over scene (but only that). The voice-over on World’s Ugliest Dog describing Muttley as owner Bev’s “hairless crutch in times of need.”

MAX Branning got on his moral high horse with Jay on EastEnders. Have the writers forgotten that Max’s wife and daughter both tried to kill him and his brother is the local villain?

AUG 19. GUEST judge Mel B seemed in a spectacularly bad mood on last night’s X Factor. A cynic might interpret this as a desperate bid by a washed-up has-been to re-invent herself as a talent show baddie. But as she cruelly crushed the dreams of assorted no-marks I found myself warming to her. “Worst audition ever,” Hell’s Mel told one quivering wretch, before breaking 82-year-old Lou’s spell with a blunt: “I actually wanted to fall asleep.” She also accused nerdy Curtis of “over-doing the comedic personality.” And devastated one young wannabe with the brutal reality check: “You should not be singing.”

Now, you might think that’s a bit rich coming from a bird who shared a career with Victoria Beckham. But mardy Mel made her feelings on her old buddy crystal clear. Arriving to a line-up of Spice Girls’ dolls, she immediately grabbed ‘Posh’ and ‘Geri’ saying “Get rid of them two!” Mel is good value as a judge, and frankly, anything that stops her from warbling is a major plus.

ITV’s viewing figures tanked like Facebook shares during the Olympics, and they badly need this show to woo back their AWOL audience. A few editing issues aside, it certainly ticks the familiar boxes. The new series opened with a trailer of needy exhibitionists and freaks. And as well as the judges we got the usual taster tape of tears, temper tantrums and bad attitudes to come.

Funniest audition: Sheyi, who, as Tulisa put it “went from Camden boy to Cookie Monster.” He had a voice like a grizzly gargling gravel. Best lookalike: ‘Prince’. Worst: the guy who thought he was Rod Stewart but looked more like Rod Hull. (And sounded just like him too - when he was falling off that roof).

Scariest: Zoe Alexander, who came on as Pink, sang Pink’s So What and then told the judges she was “trying to get away from Pink.” When they crucified her, Zoe turned into a gremlin, flinging her microphone, effing and jeffing, shoving cameramen about... “You guys asked me to sing a Pink song,” she protested. The judges hadn’t, but the producers clearly had, and they’d mugged her off spectacularly. They should give her another shot – or a free transfer to the WWE.

The best singer was supermarket shelf-stacker Jahmene who was shorter than Dermot but considerably more talented. Let’s hope he doesn’t win. Recent X Factor history suggests that the losers – Olly, Stacey, JLS, Wand Erection – do much better.

A GREAT line-up on Celebrity Big Brother. We’ve got Julie ‘Bet Lynch’ Goodyear looking like Sean Bean’s tranny Granny, anorexia survivor Cheryl Fergison acting her socks off. And, incredibly, Julian Clary who says he’s there to, ahem, “widen my circle.” Julian greeted Brian with a cheery “Hello Davina”, told Cheryl “I didn’t recognise you without your balaclava” and asked The Situation “What’s your function?” Funny stuff. If he keeps this up, I’m backing Clary to beat odds-on favourite Martin Kemp. Prospects of tension and tears are encouragingly high – Goodyear is a class A prima donna, and deluded Sam Brick is bound to rattle her cage. It’s hard to care much about The Situation (situation vacant), or that Italian Prince who seems wetter than Tom Daley’s splash zone. But I am looking forward to an early exit for beautiful but scheming Jasmine Lennard and her stick legs. And an early outing for Rhian’s best attributes.

*CHERYL was surprisingly good in the fake soap challenge. But what kind of bloke would have married her and cheated with Julie? That John Terry just doesn’t know where to stop.

*CHERYL could pull in there. In the sense that she’s built like a tractor... a kind of massive Fergison. Julie’s surname is Goodyear, like the tyre but she’s had more pumping.

THE Accused posed a big question: could Sean Bean pull off a transvestite? OK, better rephrase that: could action hero Sean pass as a woman? Well, obviously not. Even Castor Semenya would have found ‘Tracie’ a bit manly. But Sean did give his Dame Of Thrones alter-ego dignity and depth. And Jimmy McGovern’s script was littered with sharp one-liners. “He asked for a Cheryl Cole,” said beautician Karen. “I think I managed a Myra Hindley.” Sadly for her, Tracie was at it with Karen’s closeted husband Tony (Trace took it like a man). Far-fetched? I’d say. Not the sex - put a blonde wig on a pot plant and some drunk would try and shag it. But wouldn’t someone as quick-thinking as Tony try lying his way out of it when his wife rumbled him, rather than instantly killing her?

HOT on TV: Person Of Interest (C5)... Elarica Gallacher... Julian Clary (Celebrity Big Brother)... Business Mouse (C4)... CSI season finale.

ROT on TV: Red Or Black – why’s it back?... In With The Flynns – off with the channel... Celebrity Masterchef – horrible food cooked badly by people we barely recognise. You wouldn’t trust this lot with Pot Noodles.

AMAZING scenes on EastEnders - what the hell was going on with Kat’s baps? If that’s a push-up bra, it’s working overtime. Elsewhere ‘Hurricane Sharon’ turned out to be a light drizzle. She’d been due to marry John, aka Marcus Tandy from Eldorado who now has the nose of a proboscis monkey. “It’s always the pretty ones you have to watch,” he told her. Yeah? Well, we’ll let you know when one turns up, mate.

*WOW. Such chemistry when Jack clapped eyes on Sharon. You know what that means? Cataracts...

*JACK’S standards have dropped. He likes to play the field. Old cow Sharon looks like she eats it.

*ON Corrie, furniture arranging led to sex for Steve and Michelle. You know what they call that? Bang Shui.

*NUTTY Mix on Thirteen Steps Down is obsessed with stalking models, Cliff Richard music, and serial killer John Christie. God, that’s weird. Cliff Richard?

*ON CSI, Ted Danson (sex addict Sam in Cheers) is married to Peri Gilpin (nympho Roz in Frasier). Amazing he ever found time for forensics...

RANDOM irritations: Brian Dowling – jumped-up trolley dolly. Unfunny Direct Line ads. The Olympics Closing Ceremony marred by being too long, repeated songs, poxy hypocrites’ anthem ‘Imagine’, Geo Michael outstaying his welcome, and the wealth of British music they ignored.

SMALL Joys of TV: Celebrity Big Brother – Hevver lives! The Big Bruv pub. Paul Hollywood, the Simon Cowell of cakes (Great British Bake-Off). Mods on scooters and Eric Idle at the Closing Ceremony. Cheers re-runs (CBS Drama). Sean Bean as gay Tracie, bringing new meaning to Lord Of The Rings.

SEPARATED at birth: Ben Mitchell and Beth Tweedle? One is wet, girly and entertaining to watch under immense pressure... and so’s the other one. Runners-up: furry Ian Beale and a garden gnome, Sharon and Miss Piggy (traditional).

Aug 12. Let's spare a moment to salute a great Olympian of comedy - Krusty the Clown. The wise-cracking kids' entertainer on The Simpsons is a cynical, burnt-out, joke-stealing grump, and so has much in common with more elderly comedians than I'd care to mention. But how could you hate anyone who offers fat kids "an exclusive programme of diet and ridicule"?

In his latest adventure, Krusty's TV show got axed (again) but was resurrected by pushy agent Annie Dubinsky - voiced by the immortal Joan Rivers. Dubinsky's a showbiz legend, for all the wrong reasons. It's said that if you hear a star's name and wonder if he's dead, the answer is either yes - or Annie represents him. She was Krusty's first agent, until he dumped her. "I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months," she revealed. "What about mimes?" asked Homer. Annie: "C'mon, I'm not made of stone." An image to savour, there - as tasteful as the thought of Big Mo playing beach volleyball in a bikini...

The Simpsons may have peaked years ago, but the show continues to deliver quality one-liners. Like Homer admitting "I cheat on my diet but nobody knows cos the damage is on the inside and the first warning sign is sudden death." Season 23, now running on Sky1, takes on Mad Men, Lady Gaga, foodies and The Social Network. And still finds time for US politics, bringing in right-wing rocker Ted Nugent to support calls for school children to carry weapons. "If we don't allow crossbows in our schools, how will we protect our children from charging elk?" he asked, as convincingly as Boris denying he wants to be PM.

The Simpsons of Springfield (town motto: 'First toil, then the grave'), have been putting the fun in dysfunctional for 23 years. The show's barbed wit remains one of the greatest TV joys. Kids love it for its slapstick, adults for the gags and satire. It has much to teach anyone in the business of commissioning TV comedy. For starters, a) a show can only be as good as the script and b) stop obsessing about age. When it launched, Bart was supposed to be the star, but dumb old fart Homer caught the viewers' imagination... giving hope to beer-guzzling,TV-addicted slobs everywhere.

*THE Simpsons have been granted the ultimate accolade - their own 'Krustyland' ride at the Universal theme park in Florida. It's one of the best family attractions I've ever been on being funny, exhilarating and absolutely true to the show. (more on Universal at the foot of today's column). Imagine an amusement park devoted to EastEnders: Walford World! You put a quid in the fortune-telling machine and it mugs you. There'd be Dirty Den's Canal Ride, Phil Mitchell's cut-and-shut bumper cars, Uncle Harry's Bedroom Of Horror (you must be this short to enter... ) The Kat Moon ride would be wet and wild, but would almost certainly cause nausea.

ANOTHER incredible Olympics week, from the thrills of Super Saturday to the sheer brilliance of Usain Bolt, Michael Phelps and Sir Chris Hoy. We've seen triumph, disaster, US rowers tossing their cox in the river and half of Northern Ireland singing The Sash Mo Farah Wore - all a damn sight more exciting than the 97th return of Sharon Watts. Shame about Team GB. Pearce should have brought in those Chinese badminton cheats to show us how to hit the net.

*WHY are pro-wrestlers banned from the Olympics? Pro-footballers aren't. Wouldn't you rather watch Stacy Keibler pump-handle than Sturridge miss a penalty?

*DON'T you love the dressage? Where else do you see a dancing horse on TV? Other than Camilla Dallerup on Strictly...

HERE'S a mystery up there with Donald Trump's barnet: I'm convinced that there are episodes of Mock The Week on Dave that have never ever aired on BBC2. How so? Could someone at Angst Productions be computer generating 'ghost' shows using holograms and rejected HIGNFY one-liners? Unlikely, you say, but then you'd probably also reject my contention that "Nick Tilsley" is a radio-controlled shop window dummy.

*MORE mysteries: Why do Olympic divers use such tiny towels? Is it shrinkage? Why has no-one in EastEnders noticed Christian doing the Lotto? When Whoopi Goldberg was a phone-sex operator, did she tell blokes to keep going until it turned the colour purple?

HOT on TV: The Olympics - the greatest show on earth... Catalina Ponor... all Britain's medal winners, but especially Jessica Ennis.

ROT on TV: Parents - my failed family... Sinbad - too bad the writing's so bad... Vexed - dreck... Adam Buxton's Bug - squash it... Garth Crooks - the Beeb's worst Olympics booking.

REASONS to be cheerful - the latest hot US TV shows coming our way: 1) Revolution (from JJ Abrams) - the world's technology packs up, society falls apart and everyone starts living like Dingles. 2) 666 Park Avenue - naive couple get hired to run New York apartment block, unaware that the residents have all done deals with the Devil. 3) Elementary - Sherlock Holmes re-booted with Jonny Lee Miller as addicted dick Holmes and Lucy Liu as the world's sexiest Watson. And oh yeah, Spartacus is back for its final run in January.

ON The Zoo, Andrea had gone from working backstage in comedy clubs to caring for primates. "The transfer from comedians to monkeys was really, really easy," she said, failing to add that monkeys are often funnier, more sociable and less careless with their faeces.

*REALITY maths: Harry Potter's Dobby + an Afghan hound = Big Brother's dim and poisonous Ashleigh.

RANDOM irritations: unreadable scrunched-up credits at the end of TV shows, people who pronounce "ask" as "axe", women who get breast reductions, the use of 'medal' as a verb, TV's incessant self-promotion - I don't care what's "Coming up next", I'm trying to watch what's bloody on now!

SMALL Joys of TV: Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce's smile - as wide and sunny as Kingston harbour. The Benny Hill theme at beach volleyball. Monk (ITV3). Big Bang Theory (E4).

GREAT season finale on C5's The Walking Dead with walkers invading the farm. Could Walkers be the answer to Corrie's woes too? The corpses of Annie, Jack and Billy returning as zombies to marmalise Mary... easier to believe than most recent plots.

*SHOCKED by Ryan snorting cocaine in t'Rovers bogs. Where did he think he was, the Soap Awards after-party?

SEPARATED at birth: Ann Widdecombe and Sue Barker? Both have had a shot at saving the nation. Go compare!

*SO much telly is retro, how about launching Past Tense TV? Channel to include: Britain Had Talent, London's Burnt, Mock Last Week and Strictly Came Dancing - which sounds like what happened when Kara Tointon showed Artem her fandango. Not to mention Embarrassing Past Bodies, featuring unfortunates riddled with scurvy, leprosy and biblical plagues of boils.

Aug 7. My kids dragged me to Universal and its twin park Islands Of Adventure, largely because they wanted to visit Harry Potter's Wizarding World again. And I went along with it because frankly you can never experience the Amazing Adventures of Spiderman too often. The big surprise for me was the Simpsons ride at Universal which is absolutely spot-on. It's set in 'Krustyland' - a cheap, knock-off theme park built by the cynical clown to wring more cents out of his kiddie fans and their "rube" parents. Naturally it turns sour for the Simpsons pretty quickly and Springfield's yellowest are plunged into a chaotic fight for survival on a simulated 'coaster ride (Krusty's Thrilltacular, Upsy-Downsy, Teen-Operated Roller Coaster.) Built on the site of the old Back To The Future ride, the attraction is a lovingly assembled treat for all fans of the show. Gags and in-jokes (including digs at other parks and rides) abound. There's a safety film from Itchy & Scratchy, and Sideshow Bob mooches about threatening chaos. But fear not kids, for as Homer notes: "Theme parks wouldn't kill you as long as there's a dime left in your pocket... "

For a genuinely white-knuckle, gut-wrenching ride though, do The Incredible Hulk Coaster at IOA. That flings you about until you feel like you insides are on the outside. (See also the Rip Ride Rockit at Universal.) Tsk. And to think that as kids we used to be happy with the tubs at Dreamland... Meanwhile, if you're a fan of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, you will be blown away by IOA's meticulous recreation of Hogswarts and Hogsmeade village, complete with a Three Broomsticks pub that has London Pride on draft. The attention to detail is stunning; they even get away with a gift shop disguised as Filch's Emporium of Confiscated Goods. There are talking pictures, butter beer vendors and ghostly moaning in the khazis - and that's before you get to the ride. Makes you proud to see British creativity appreciated the world over. No wonder she's J.K. Rowling-In-It

August 3rd. GLORIOUS! If you weren’t on your feet punching the air when Glover and Stanning won Britain’s first gold, you’d better check yourself quickly to make sure you’ve still got a pulse. And then Bradley Wiggins, our greatest living cyclist, made it a second. Get in! Only John Terry has had more success riding bikes...

I love the Olympics, and have been watching it until my eyes bulge like Robert Forstemann’s thighs. You find yourself cheering on athletes you’ve never heard of, like Missy Franklin or China's amazing Ye Shiwen, your heart beating like Luke Campbell’s fists, and getting gripped by events you wouldn’t normally give a toss about. Such as fencing, water cycling, and Boris Johnson, London’s own nerd on the zip wire... surely the 2012 equivalent of Eddie The Eagle?

Like the best TV drama, The Games give you tension, heroes and inscrutable villains - those badminton cheats (all cock and no shuttle). The BBC’s coverage is streets ahead of NBC’s in the States, where pre-recorded events are being shown as live, and the winners are trailed before they’ve screened their races. They even wheel out Ryan Seacrest to conduct interviews, which is like the Beeb sending in Gethin Jones or Vernon Kay. D’oh! That’d be as daft as using Trevor Nelson for the opening ceremony. Oh, hang on...

On the commentary front, Clare Balding has excelled, with Matt Baker, Gabby Logan and the great Barry Davies more than holding their own. Miraculously BBC3 have so far resisted the temptation to bring in some clown called Russell to consider the alternative advantages of female gymnasts’ flexibility. ITV would have given us Keith Lemon sniggering about sniffing Victoria Pendleton’s saddle. Or asking why the Somalis aren’t better at sailing and shooting as they get enough practice...

The real reason to love the Games is that they are about sporting excellence, the world’s best athletes pushing human potential to the limit, striving to be Faster, Higher, Stronger. It’s the polar opposite of the modern culture of unearned entitlement that TV has helped to foster. It may even help us rethink that fame-for-nothing mentality, and anti-sport attitudes in state schools. Although sadly I suspect there’s more chance of seeing Ronnie Corbett playing basketball for Ethiopia.

*OLYMPIC name of the week: Destinee Hooker, not just a US volleyball player, but also Lauren Branning’s likely career path.

*WHEN did the Butterfly become the “Fly”? Let’s hope Ashley Cole doesn’t take it up. The fly was always his undoing.

*SOME say that Sharron Davis looks like she's had it all tightened. After three husbands I'm not surprised...

FOR Sex Story, C4 wheeled out po-faced Kathy Lette to piddle on Fifty Shades Of Grey. Why? This is a woman even Cillit wouldn’t bang. Looking like she’d just received unflattering news from her talking mirror, Lette attacked the sexual fantasy book for being... a fantasy. “Ana is a 22-year-old virgin,” she fumed, “which is vergin’ on the ridiculous. She has no gag reflex and never gets cystitis... so yeah, a real woman - not.” Except one in five British women are virgins at that age, and a bit of escapism harms no-one. The best thing about Fifty Shades is that it has, I’m told, spiced up the stale sex lives of thousands of married couples. It might even trigger a bit of light bondage in the soaps. Imagine Carla Connor in a basque dishing out discipline. Gail of course inflicts pain simply by opening her gob.

*PLEASE note, the Olympics slogan Faster, Higher, Stronger is not to be confused with the 50 Shades slogan. That's Harder, Faster, Longer.

THE new series of Dallas hits our screens next month. Wasn’t this the greatest soap of them all? All that lust, betrayal and skulduggery, all those great characters: JR, Sue Ellen, Cliff Barnes... Not to mention Lucy the knee-high nympho with no neck and no knicker control... magic. Tomorrow night CBS Drama are re-running the infamous shower-scene episode where Bobby returns from the dead and the entire previous season was written off as “Pam’s dreams”. Talk about more balls than the oil barons... Back then, it seemed like an outrageous cop-out, but thinking about it now, maybe Enders should rip off this idea too. They’ve already half-inched Who Shot JR, twice. Why not have Shirley wake up and discover that Ben topping Heather was just a nightmare? See also Ronnie’s baby snatch debacle and Dawn Swann leaving... Better still, write off the last ten years, bring in a new team of Cockney writers, and keep it on BBC2 until they get it real again.

HOT on TV: women’s beach volleyball... The Churchills... Shane’s death (The Walking Dead)... dressage – camper than Ian “Look” Thorpe.

ROT on TV: The Hairy Dieters... Vexed... Ian ‘Catweazle’ Beale’s return on EastEnders – the bloke is so spineless, they could have brought him back in a bucket.

DAVID Starkey's superb The Churchills showed how Sir Winston was influenced by his ancestor the Duke of Marlborough. Next week: The Camerons: how David was influenced by his ancestors - Lord Snooty and Dopey from Snow White.

MEMO to the Hairy Bikers: if you really want to diet try less biking and more hiking.

*I’M such an idiot, when my wife shouted “the Hairy Bikers are on”, I assumed it was that time of the month for the Albanian women’s cycling team.

*SUNDAY night on ITV: Royal Greenwich hosted by John Sergeant followed by The Zoo, featuring an endearingly chubby, bulbous-eyed frog... were they separated at birth? Maybe, but Sergeant is slimier.

*THE Zoo revealed that sex for the Komodo dragon is “is a violent affair with bouts of wrestling”... a lot like dating Sally Bercow.

*GORE Vidal has died. Yentob should film a tribute: the Bore On Gore Snore Tour...

*CHELSEA Pensioner comedian Jack Woodward, 90, on sex: “I've still got what it takes to get a lady into the bedroom. A stair lift.”

* BOFFINS say they’ll soon have the technology to allow people to live to be 150. Hasn’t Winola Forsyth suffered enough? (Haven't we all?)

RANDOM irritations: no UK network picking up the final series of brilliant Breaking Bad. Empty corporate seats at the Olympics. Tuning in to beach volleyball only to find it's the men's.  The Olympic tower – it looks like a mangled up amusement park ride. Where are the metal thieves when we need ’em?

SMALL Joys of Olympics TV: weight-lifting snatch goofs. Michael Phelps vs. Ryan Lochte – a race tighter than Sharron Davis's face. Diving terms that sound like Fifty Shades extracts – “the pike position”, “the reverse 3.5”... Not to mention Becky Hammon, Kristyna Kolocova, Kerri Walsh Jennings, Casey Eastham, Zara Dampney, Kosovare Asllani (to be continued)

Olympic lookalike: Kerri Walsh and Joely Richardson... one got her kit off on TV, the other should consider it...