Aug 23. Big Ron, the Battersbys and a load of creeps from reality TV... how could Celebrity Big Brother not delight us? They even had the foresight to turn two of the most annoying inmates into a cult and encase them in a special ‘Temple of Celebrity’. That’s Louie Spence (lisping camp dancer) and Lauren Harries, who “wants to bring sex appeal to the house” – presumably by leaving.

Lauren was once famously a female trapped in the body of an irritatingly precocious boy, although judging by the current hairstyle she could just as easily be an alpaca trapped in the body of an irritatingly atrocious human.

Joining these two cults (misprint) in this Gitmo of gits is beautiful but batty former bra model and cocaine fiend Sophie Anderton. In the main house we’ve got ex-Corrie favourites Bruce Jones and Vicky Entwhistle, reunited at last through the healing power of appearance fees. And Courtney Stodden, a stick-thin, top-heavy teen famous for marrying a 50-year-old actor when she was 16.

Then come the knicker-wetting nuisance Charlotte from Geordie Snore and rude Dubliner Danielle, who has the potential to be Syria in a skirt. There’s Abz Love from Five channelling the spirit of Ali G (Ali Zzzz?), Towie tart Mario, gobby Carol McGiffin, and Dustin Diamond who thinks people will want to know who he is. He’s got that right. Big Ron Atkinson is the cherry on the cake of controversy. This has all the makings of car crash TV, a proper bonfire of vanities and profanities.

*VEGGIE Courtney says she “won’t eat anything with a face”, unless of course she’s married to him...

*LOUIE Spence wants to “experience everything once.” I felt the same about Louie and his flamboyant schtick. Once was fine...

TO the Great British Bake-Off, where “Mary and Paul will be looking for a good rise.” Well, why not? He enjoyed a few with US pastry chef Marcela Valladolid, allegedly... Many people love this show, and the technical name for these people is women. But it’s hard not to be impressed by the beautifully crafted procession. Not of baking - of innuendos. Cue a cake described as “a little bit dense but beautifully moist” which for some reason made me think of Courtney Stodden. Incredibly some dirty-minded men watch purely to hear delighted Lucy gasping “It’s bigger than I imagined.” Or Deborah on her knees announcing “It’s still wet inside.” That’s the Paul Hollywood effect I guess. It baffles me. They’re making cakes we can’t eat. They don’t show us how. Sue’s never funny and the tears have started already thanks to moody Ruby and her poor curdled insides. If she hadn’t said how much she loved rhubarb I’d have no time for her.

*ONE master-baker mistook salt for sugar. His name was Toby. Surname? Magoo.

WHEN a giant invisible dome falls on the small US town of Chester’s Mill it slices a cow clean in half. Now that’s what I call a side of beef, and what Damien Hurst calls a £50,000 work of art... Under The Dome, a sci-fi series based on a Stephen King novel, looks likely to get under your skin like a psychotic tick. Nothing can get through except oxygen and rain, and none of the twisted townsfolk can get out. There’s a murderer, a kidnapper, a megalomaniac, and a bucket-load of dark secrets - it’s Maine’s answer to Walford. Who’s behind it? It could be aliens, mad scientists, the CIA or even the Simpsons who once had a dome of their own. (Although surely Bart would say “Don’t halve a cow, man”?) Just one reservation – the last time a bunch of oddballs got trapped somewhere mysterious was Lost, which took 121 episodes to tell us what most people guessed after show one.

*GREAT Dome exchange: “What if the government built this thing?” asks a boy. “I doubt it,” says Barbie (the killer). “Why?” “It works.”

*BIRDS hitting the dome plummet from the sky, planes explode... how long before some sick prankster orders an out-of-town pizza?

HOT on TV: Under The Dome (C5)... Top Boy (C4)... Yvonne Strahovski (Dexter, Fox)... Ray Donovan (Sky Atlantic).

ROT on TV: fireman Paul’s exit story (Corrie) – not even lukewarm... Big Mo dressed as Rambo (RamMo?) to steal carrots on EastEnders - the turnips write the scripts... The Naked Rambler – why encourage him?

DO audiences hate funny women? Obviously not. From Irene Handl to Miranda, the public lap them up. Joan Rivers could zing most male stand-ups into a quivering heap. Rita Rudner was sheer class. And who didn’t adore Victoria Wood? The Culture Show got it wrong. The problem isn’t women so much as comedians who look and sound like they’re addressing a social workers conference. And that’s more to do with class than gender. Sue Perkins? She’s no Marty Caine is she?

THOSE great funny women in full: 1) Marie Lloyd 2) Irene Handl 3) Peggy Mount 4) Marty Caine 5) Joan Rivers 6) Hattie Jacques 7) Pamela Stephenson 8) Margaret Rutherford 9) Mrs. Brown (Are you sure? – Ed)

*COMEDIAN Terry Alderton is joining EastEnders as Bianca’s boyfriend (poor sod). Terry is bald, beefy and spends half his life speaking to an imaginary demon. Shouldn’t he be the third Mitchell bruvva?

*FACT: whatever Peter Beale’s dark secret is, it won’t make him interesting.

*ON Corrie Gail will force Kylie to get a DNA test on the baby. That’s DNA as in David Not ’Appy, Definitely Nick’s Alright, or possibly Don’t Notify Audrey. The shock could push the old girl over the edge. She still hasn’t recovered from discovering Gail’s Dad was an extra-terrestrial.

*CHRIS ‘The Phantom’ Fountain should be rapping about all of this shizel, throwing in bro, ho and probably blow, before finding a suitably coarse rhyme for champagne bucket. Can’t think of one myself...

*OH, Gregg Wallace! Cooking show hosts don’t come any tougher than this... I hear the fight was all a misunderstanding, though; the bloke he decked was only fumbling for Anne-Marie’s buttery biscuit base.

*THE punch-up ruined Gregg and Anne-Marie’s night. He’d been really looking forward to an eaten mess...

*THAT Gregg Wallace menu in full: black-eyed peas, broken leg of lamb, rum punch, chilli con carnage...

*LES Dennis had trouble producing his custard on Masterchef. Blimey. No wonder Amanda left him.

*C4 Racing bosses claim that their ratings are falling because they’re covering horse-racing better. Yeah, and the Spice Girls stopped having hits cos their songs got too good...

Random Irritations: BBC1 serving up ‘pass the parcel’ as Saturday night entertainment. That Puppet Show not spending enough on gag writers. The wash-out ending to the Borgias. Mad talk of a Bake-Off “bloodbath” after a couple of tiny cuts.

Small Joys Of TV: beefy jerky cowboy Joe Walters on Dragon’s Den. Big Bad World. A Very British Witchcraft. Rylan’s incredible growing teeth, possibly borrowed from Bingo on the Banana Splits. They’d dazzle an Osmond.

SEPARATED at birth: Vicky Entwhistle and Zippy. One a large-mouthed, orange-brown creature with an irritating voice, the other a puppet from Rainbow.

EMMA Willis was talking about emotions on Big Brother when she announced: “Sometimes it’s good to get it out.” If I were Mr. Willis, I’d be saying that on a daily basis...

Aug 18. HAS there ever been a wetter TV presenter than Evan Davis? He hangs about the Dragons Den set like some creepy, wingnut-eared cross between Gollum and a seedy vicar pointlessly telling us what we’ve just seen, or spouting piffle like “new dragons, new danger.” What danger? People are pitching business ideas, not storming the Tora Bora caves.

The only danger here is that viewers might switch off in droves because the best dragons have gone. Where’s Theo? Where’s Hilary? And why couldn’t Deborah leave instead? (Update: Theo’s off investing his children’s inheritance in lingerie while Cruella de Till jumped ship to die a slow ratings death on C4’s The Intern... and possibly kidnap puppies.) They’re huge shoes to fill. Can the new dragons cut it? Piers Linney, a one-time Secret Millionaire, seems bland, while interior designer Kelly Hoppen could have wandered in from an episode of Ab-Fab. “You want to hire a PR company,” she told a Doris pitching posh mobile picnic hampers. “Get yourself into Tatler and then hire a space in Maison et Objet in Paris, create theatre... ” Oh yes, very Edina and Patsy, sweetie.

The only theatre here is pantomime, of course, with the addition of a prop lift and unwelcome X Factor style sob stories. When would-be entrepreneur Ross Mendham broke down inside it after mentioning his wife, we didn’t miss a tear. I’m sorry the poor woman has had three miscarriages, but was that any reason to invest in his tasteless low-carb noodles?

Ross had the worst pitch this side of Bloomfield Road. He didn’t even know what his ingredients were! Usually the dragons tear you apart for not knowing your stuff. Who knew all you have to do is turn on the waterworks?

Ross’s noodles made Kelly reveal that her fingers swell up when she has her oats. No doubt this made base men all over the country snigger as much as Evan’s report of “a blow for the young entrepreneur.” Lousy ideas like that £200 snake-shaped hot water bottle abounded (add batteries though and it could be a winner). I rated one couple’s Lego-like construction toy Bizzy Bitz, but Duncan dismissed it gruffly as “rubbish.” He has more reason to be grumpy than normal, having plummeted out of the Rich List this year. But I won’t mention that if you don’t.

*THAT Bizzy Bitz couple have twelve kids. Their bits really have been busy.

*KELLY Hoppen has enjoyed a few brief celebrity relationships. Sort of hop-on, hop-off...

*I BET Andrew Silverman cries when he mentions his wife too, but for entirely different reasons.

*WHAT about Luisa Zissman in the back of that taxi? That’s not how you give the driver a tip. Her date must have shot up quicker than the meter. (Please note, taxi romps should not be confused with minicab sex - that’s when you want it now but no-one comes for half an hour.)

MOST people view a new BBC sitcom as warily as they would a hooded stranger in an underpass. The Wright Way, The Royal Bodyguard, Heading Out... nine out of ten Corporation comedies leave you feeling robbed and resentful. So to say BBC1’s Big School doesn’t entirely suck like a Dyson is high praise. It’s set in Greybridge secondary school where depressed geography teacher Mr Barber is the victim of obscene graffiti involving a sheep and a speech bubble saying “Harder, Mr Barber.” When he begs snooty head Ms Baron for time off, she sniffs: “Of course the children are going to pick on you, you’re bald, you’re Welsh, you’re fat.” “They don’t pick on me for being fat,” he protests. “Then they’re missing a trick,” she replies. Later we see him spraying the graffiti himself. At the core are Catherine Tate as a new French teacher lusted over by Phil Glenister (PE) and David Walliams (chemistry). Walliams sticks out like a caned arse. He’s more suited to crude caricatures than character acting. It’s watchable though. It isn’t The Inbetweeners or The Grimleys, but Big School merits a solid C+.

ON Big Brother, Sam had to tell jokes that were as unfunny as possible. They got the idea from watching Bobby Davro’s act. Even Sam’s worst gag was more fun than Charlie, a 27-year-old drip who’s still trying to “discover” herself. Oh buy a map and eff off! She should have gone last week instead of Hazel who lit up that house up like a meteor shower. Sam and Dexter are the bookie’s favourites to win, for reasons that are about as clear as the River Ganges. Dexter, a self-confessed “arsehole”, has lied for ten weeks, and Sam’s just nice but dull. At least Gina’s had some decent rows, in those occasional breaks from putting on her slap like an OCD plasterer.

HOT on TV: Mark Strong (Long Winter Sun, Fox)... Boston’s Finest (Watch)... King Alfred & The Anglo-Saxons (BBC4).

ROT on TV: The White Queen – the dialogue creeks like the doors in a haunted mansion... Boom Town – bust... Ramsay’s Hotel Hell – crying out for demolition.

KING Alfred & The Anglo-Saxons tells one of the greatest stories in English history. Alfred’s guerrilla war against the invading Danes is a movie waiting to happen. It could be England’s Braveheart – without the lies.

TENSE times at Weatherfield General where Nick remains in a coma, and “his swelling still hasn’t reduced.” He was like that on Christmas night with Kylie too... The consultant warned that when he comes round he is likely to experience “mood swings, anger, panic attacks and depression”. So basically he’ll turn into Eileen.

*LATEST Corrie script leak exclusive: Kylie is actually having a phantom pregnancy – literally. The father? Len Fairclough’s ghost.

*PANDA Tian Tian is pregnant, but Edinburgh Zoo don’t know who the father is. Suspects include Simon Cowell and Nick Tilsley.

*ADE Edmondson will win Celebrity Mastermind, surely – look at all the practice he’s had, Hell’s Kitchen, Ade In Britain, Ready Steady Cook...

SMALL joys of TV: Lambert’s header. Punk Britannia. Frances de la Tour as Ms. Baron (Big School). Tom’s Mum Carol in Badults. Archive clips on Paul O’Grady’s Working Britain.

RANDOM Irritations: Masterchef contenders talking about “fear and distress” and their “journey”. You’re cooking dinner! The stupefying ‘Paxman’s beard’ obsession, when he has Mary Beard on his face we’ll talk.

*A DAY-time nightclub, an 80th birthday party for Jim who wasn’t there and Tamwar locked in a chemi-khazi. That’s reality, EastEnders style.

TV Maths. Zelda from The Terrahawks + Tracy Oberman = Kelly Hoppen.

HOT not on TV – but they should be: Breaking Bad (Netflix). Irish stand-up Aisling Bea (Edinburgh). Chas & Dave (Rebellion, Blackpool). Other Edinburgh festival names to watch for: Grainne Maguire, Abigoliah Schamaun and Felicity Ward...

Aug 11. ON Corrie Nick Tilsley’s life was endangered by a large clot – or to use the correct medical term, David Platt. Devil-boy David grabbed Nick’s steering wheel, causing his van to stop sideways long enough for a lorry to slam into it. News that Nick had been rear-ended by a reckless trucker shocked Street residents. Except for Sean, who was jealous.

The driver was gutted, but at least he'll always have a hard shoulder to cry on. Oddly he had time to sound his horn but not to swerve or apply his brakes. Maybe he was fiddling with his Yorkie.

Now Nick will be in a coma for weeks, so he’ll be a bit more animated than usual but will frown slightly less. The nurse said he was in “a critical condition”, much like Ben Price’s acting. Leanne could put that giant plastic paper boy behind the bistro bar and no-one would tell the difference. This dramatic twist is a welcome relief from nonsense like the skint bookie, and the non-racist racist. If only it had happened in the Street itself, the lorry could have taken out Moaning Mandy and the rest of the deadwood. Sadly none of it rings true. David’s reaction to finding out half-brother Nick might be the father of his unborn child after a one-night stand takes more swallowing than year-old hot-pot. It was basically “My brother’s shagged my wife, I’ll water down his gin.”

The old David wouldn’t have gone in for a long campaign of malicious practical jokes, he was a sledgehammer man. Before the crash the brothers had a dull EastEnders style two-hander. Nick thought saying sorry was enough. He didn’t even try appealing to logic: “Come on mate, it’s Kylie, she’s gorgeous, who wouldn’t?” Even now, she’s eight months gone and the only sign that she’s pregnant is the look of guilt on her face whenever Nick’s around. We’ll know who the Dad is as soon as it’s born. If it’s Nick’s, it’ll have the personality of plywood; if it’s David’s the afterbirth will reek of brimstone. New producer Stuart Blackburn appears to be ‘sampling’ his stunts from Emmerdale and his themes from EastEnders. Let’s hope he doesn’t forget the down-to-earth humour and up-to-bed passion that made Corrie great...

*HAYLEY Cropper is making a bucket-list. Wish 1: don’t kick it.

IT’S a shame BBC2 chose Justin Rowlatt as the face of their German season. Godfrey Bloom would have been more fun. He’d probably have a handy phrase for it too, like If In Doubt, Blame The Krauts; which sounds more tempting than Make Me A German – the last English person to say that was Unity Mitford. Rowlatt spent a week working at a pencil factory, eating pork and occasionally wearing lederhosen. We learnt that Germans are organised, community-minded, disapprove of working mums, and aren’t keen on immigrants. Surprising? Nein. We also learnt that Rowlatt’s wife Bee leaves the toilet door open and chats while she’s on the bog. Thanks for that. But we didn’t learn much about German culture. Their thriving rock scene was ignored. Their legalised brothels weren’t discussed. What makes them laugh? No-one asked. What do they watch on telly? Rowlatt didn’t say. So I will. It’s Coronation Strasse, The Big Bratwurst, Wish You Were Herr and The Old Horst Wessel Test. Probably.

* RICK Stein’s German Bites was more about his own roots than their cooking, although he did tuck in to what appeared to be boiled eggs in pond slime. It looked as tasteless as a test-tube burger. German beer alone is worth an hour-long doc; let alone their bread, and don’t get me started on the gunk girls.

IMAGINE if on William and Kate’s wedding night, Charles and a load of lackeys had stood outside their honeymoon suite shouting “Get in there, boy!” through the keyhole. Possibly with Harry balanced on Mike Tindall’s shoulders for a better view through the window. Unthinkable of course. But that’s pretty much what Henry VII did to his son Prince Arthur. Lucy Worsley’s Tales From The Royal Bedchamber spilt more palace secrets than a legless footman. When Anne Of Cleaves claimed Henry VIII couldn’t get it up, the King had details of his nocturnal emissions read out in the House Of Lords. Back then, there was a ‘groom of the stool’ to pass the cloth needed to wipe the royal backside. (For the royal bum today, see Prince Andrew). Oddly, Worsley claimed that the royal mistress tradition ended in the 19th century. Umm. Did she not notice Camilla?

HOT on TV: Nina Conti’s monkey... C4’s The Dealership... Love/Hate (C5)... Jayd Johnson (The Field Of Blood).

ROT on TV: Rick Stein’s German Bites – a Black Forest ham... I Love My Country – I loathe this format... How Not To Grow Old – die. Next question...

BIG Brother’s Charlie “exposed parts of herself,” according to Diane Youdale, but nothing I wanted to see. She also spoke repeatedly about her “journey” which will hopefully be a rapid one back to obscurity. Nice enough girl, but sopping wet. Hazel is a piece of work, though, a fast-talking flirt-pot with claws that would trouble Wolverine. She was a perfect housemate. Gina to win.

*C4 showed celebs accepting freebies in exchange for positive plugs on Twitter. I was shocked, and so were the fine, upstanding staff of Shampan 3 in Welling, and the makers of delicious Aspall Cider.

*THAT Puppet Game Show had singing hot-dogs dressed in tartan. They looked decidedly phallic. In fact, there hasn’t been a line-up of singing Scottish cocks like this since the Bay City Rollers.

*PUPPET host Dougie Colon sounds remarkably like Vernon Kay. The cloth-headed nitwit with a mouthful of teeth isn’t even on the show.

*TYLER Moon has left Albert Square. Let’s see if anyone notices.

*SEE how Dennis Waterman shuffles around on New Tricks, huffing and puffing. Poor old soul; it looks like he could do with a Minder.

SMALL joys of TV: That Puppet Game Show. Salvage Hunters. The Abolitionists. Sophie’s Nan (Big Brother). Petrol Bombs & Peace. Porridge repeats.

RANDOM Irritations: Illiterate TV subtitles. Jack & Joe’s moobs. Minnie Driver’s Who Do You Think You Are neglecting to mention that her father was at the centre of a major fraud investigation.

MICKY Flanagan took the Mick out of Adam Hill for doing TV adverts. Is it any worse than appearing on I Love My Country (Red White & Bilge) for a hefty cheque?

Aug 3. HIGH drama on Celebrity MasterChef as Jo Wood discovered her dumplings were falling apart. Her lips didn't look too healthy either...

Glamous granny Jo made shepherd's pie for the Cirque du Soleil cast. It was great tour food, she explained, adding: "I went on tour for thirty years." Of course she did. Think of all those times Jo sold out the Long Beach Arena... Anyone?

Her actual claim to fame is being a rock star's ex-wife, of course. Mind you there was a chance that Jo would go down in history on her own merit after she and Heidi Range served fruit salad soaked in amaretto to the acrobats. Nothing says entertainment like a tanked-up tightrope walker - and projectile vomit from the trapeze artist.

The point of this show - famous people who can actually cook competing to show off their culinary skills - now appears to be as forgotten as Joan Rivers' original face. Ex-Sugarbabe Heidi admitted she didn't know if she could cook at all and mistook duck for beef, suggesting her hit Hole In The Head might of have been autobiographical.

In show one they got to grips with an old crab. Step forward Janet Street-Squawker, who looks and walks exactly like Muffin the Mule and has made a career out of being stroppy. Surprisingly she's only been divorced four times. Janet cooks better than she takes criticism, unfortunately, so she may be around for a while. Torode and Wallace danced around her like piglets humouring a wolf. Unfunny comedian Katy Brand completed the line-up. Shame BBC1 didn't book Sandy Toksvig as well, and then arrange for an outbreak of salmonella.

*WITH Street-Por’er, India Fisher's snooty voice-over and phony celebrities, MasterChef has racked up three of my all-time Top 20 TV Turn-Offs. This hallowed list includes Alan Hansen's Match Of The Day salary, Claudia Winkleman's fringe, and actors who think mumbling their dialogue makes it more dramatic. Then come TV shows reading out fatuous tweets about themselves. Repeats billed as 'a new series of highlights from previous editions.' The continued TV career of Katie Hopkins. Robert Peston's voice. BBC1’s The Voice. And Saturday night TV. Once a gold-mine of must-see family TV, it's now home to dross like Britain’s Brightest, Splash, and Your Face Sounds Familiar... all firmly in the Doctor Who tradition – you watch from behind the settee, screaming.

STOPPRESS. New low reached on BBC1 last night, with I Love My Country. I love Jamelia but not enough to suffer pass the parcel as Saturday night entertainment. I loved my country’s TV a lot more when it didn’t rely on naff Dutch formats.

JOEY slept with Whitney on EastEnders, bringing his tally of local totty up to three: Lauren, Lucy, Whit. He only needs Lola for the set. Imagine how much sex he'd be getting if he ever left the Square... The soap is struggling with sliding ratings, but Walford really is a magical place. Think about it: your work is on your doorstep, property deals go through in minutes, there's never any problem parking... You don't have to remember anniversaries - marriages don't last that long. When there isn't a doctor in the cast, no-one ever gets ill. There's plenty of bedroom action (unless you’re Billy). And if the writers like you, you could get a go on Kirsty. Downsides? Your wife will be over the side faster than a Titanic life-boat. The murder rate would turn the Ripper green. Condoms are as rare as laughs. Your muvva? She ain't your muvva! And if the writers don't like you, they’ll shack you up with Bianca...

*KAT told Whit about her ordeal at the hands of grubby Uncle 'Arry. Remember him? A sopping old drunk who looked like a bag of mating toads. Being abused turned her into a sexually incontinent slapper, poor cahw, which begs the question: what's Roxy's excuse?

HOT on TV: Dynamo - Magician Impossible (Watch)... The Walking Dead (C5)... The Sheriffs Are Coming.

ROT on TV: The Returned finale - answered fewer questions than Joey Essex on Mastermind... Bjorn - bjerk... The Mill - makes The Village seem like Balamory.

SIMON Cowell has reportedly made a New York woman pregnant. Or as he said at the time: “It’s a yes, yes, yes from me... ” Things Simon probably didn’t say: “Congratulations, you’re through to old boot camp... You made my cock your own... I got the idea from Liam Gallagher... ”

MOVING moments on Long Lost Family as a brother and sister were re-united after a life-time apart, and Adrian, 53, finally saw the card his mother had sent him on his tenth birthday. So sad. This show can bring tears to your eyes. Especially if you’re Cilla and recognise it as a rip-off of Surprise, Surprise.

*SCENES I’d like to see: You haven’t seen your father for 30 years, you know why? He can’t stand you! That’s why he went to the Australian outback in the first place, to get as far away as possible...

*MEMO to BBC1: someone please let the air out of Katy Brand, she’s starting to look uncomfortable.

*ACCORDING to Antiques Roadshow "dating Jade is difficult." Although in fairness, being dead doesn't help.

*IN The Sheriffs Are Coming they hunted down dodgy wheel-clampers and confiscated Mr Patel's Lamborghini. It was sheriffs, cowboys and Indians.

*THE Sheriffs raided Barclays Bank to recover a ripped-off investor's dosh. Great stuff. Now do something about the interest rates on their savings accounts...

THE new Doctor Who is announced today. Let’s hope brilliant Peter Capaldi gets the role – and plays him like Malcolm Tucker from The Thick Of It: “See you, Cyberman, I’m going to shove my sonic screwdriver so far up your metallic waste-pipe you’ll be sh**ing asteroids. You’re about as menacing as an Adipose’s fart.”

TV questions: why doesn't Your Money Their Tricks expose the BBC's misuse of Licence Fee? If you made a 3D photocopy of your backside, how would you tell it apart from Chris Moyles? How did everyone on Corrie forget that David is a twisted loon? Why didn't Paul prove his innocence in the fake racism row by banging Mandy bandy - and giving Lloyd a real reason to hate him?

*GAIL Platt wouldn't cook chicken midweek. Pigeon is even harder for her, because that would be like cannibalism...

*BADULTS is part Goodies, part Young Ones without the gags or the energy of either. Silly? Yes. Funny? Not really. Bring back Jinsy!

SMALL joys of TV: Alan Whicker - Journey's End. The Saint's suits (ITV4). Alun Armstrong (New Tricks). Watching Temple Of Doom last weekend and falling for Kate Capshaw all over again.

RANDOM Irritations: Martyn Lewis's Calgon ad - it makes Mr Cholmondley-Warner look cutting edge. Corrie's knuckle-headed PC storyline. Jack and Joe. Eamonn Holmes bringing every conversation round to him and his wife, and, God spare us, their sex life.

FACT: you could make a radio version of Loose Women using trained parrots endlessly repeating the same tired clichés and no-one would know the difference.

IS it me, or does Maurice Amdur on Four Rooms look like someone has stuck David Walliams's head on Freddie Starr's body?

SEPARATED at birth: Vernon Kaye & Mr Cheesehead, one a cartoon character with cheddar for brains... and so is the other one.

Aug 2. So sad to hear of the death today of Charlie Adams, a great TV comedy writer & a lovely, funny man. My thoughts are with his family.