BUSHELL ON THE BOX
Aug 28. Bake Off got off to a cracking start. "I love the flavour of the cox," said Kate talking about apples. "I love it tart," said Candice, an aside that suited her pouty sauce-pot charm. While Benjamina promised: "It's going to be very moist". And with Paul Hollywood in the room how could it be anything else? That's not the first time he's carelessly dunked his Jaffa cake.
There were fears that The Great British Bake Off had exhausted the country's supply of top-quality baking innuendos. Or that it would fail to reach the heady standards of previous series, a feast of soggy bottoms, moist cracks and good forkings. Mel & Sue obviously shared those fears judging by the unseemly dildo gag they slipped in, and Sue's references to Candice's purple ring (purple ring). But the best innuendos pop up naturally. Like when Nadiya whipped out this beauty last year: "I've tried the snake loads of times and he just explodes... He's enormous... After doing him six times the trick is just to keep him small to begin with".
Without great goofs all we've got is a bunch of people we don't know baking cakes we can't taste, eat or even smell. Granted there's always plenty of ambition and skill on display. Cue a gin and tonic drizzle cake and a sponge that tasted of grass (sadly not the Amsterdam kind). Paul rated Selassi highly (Haile?) but muddling Val seems doomed. Bake Off's real appeal is its niceness, of course. Not for BBC1 the effing and violence and squelching of "reality" TV. At least not on camera. It's an oasis of sugary calm in a TV world rapidly going to hell in a low budget handcart.
*HOW low can TV go? I confidently predict at least one of these shows will be on air by next year: +Naked Aggression - like Naked Attraction but the last two guys must fight, preferably to the death, to get the girl. +Go Gay To Stay - reality show where straight housemates must have homosexual experiences to remain in the house. +How I Ate Your Mother - gourmet cannibalism. +Celebrity Sex Box and night-vision Sex Box Blue on pay-per-view. +Barmaids Bending Over - viewers film their favourite bar staff reaching for the bottom shelf. Celeb version to include Eva from Corrie. Well I'd watch...
EVAN Davis on Newsnight, Heather Mills, the BBC persisting with their tedious "so-called Islamic State" line... so many things wind me up it's easy to lose sight of TV's biggest problem: comedy. How did we go from Morecambe & Wise and Del-Boy Trotter to Joe Wilkinson shocking lazy laughs from a tiny C4 studio audience simply by saying "pig-sh*t" and "f**king"? No jokes required. Or smug Bridget Christie, one of the "stars" of the Edinburgh Festival, being applauded by media trendies for raging against Brexit voters? Christie claims "a paedophile who voted Remain is a better person than a non-paedophile who voted Leave". That's disgraceful, wrong and utterly patronising but not at all surprising. Most TV modern stand-ups are as out of touch with popular opinion as they are with the actual business of making us laugh. Result? Comedy "hits" like Mock The Week with 1.1million viewers, barely equaling ancient repeats of Dad's Army. Instead of remaking old sitcoms isn't it time TV forget the hip and found the funny?
HOORAH! It's the "all-new X Factor" with its all-old line-up of judges. Do you mind if I pass? It's not that they won't unearth the odd decent chirper, it's just the staggering predictability of it all. The sob stories, the stage-managed dramas, little Louis telling some no-hoper "you owned that stage"... And for what? Eight times out of ten the winner ends up a one-hit wonder who gets dropped quicker than buttered dumbbells. Only the lucky few end up gobbling kangaroo balls in ITV's jungle. No disrespect to Leona and Ollie, but there's more chance of seeing Sarkozy judging a wet burkini contest than of Cowell unearthing the next Elvis Costello.
HOT on TV: Conor McGregor... Ripper Street and MyAnna Buring... new Nashville (Sky Living).
ROT on TV: Hugh Grant, There's Something About Romcoms - there's nothing about Grant that isn't slappable... Spotless - makes paint-drying seem riveting... Britain's Hardest Workers - BBC's laziest assumptions.
TV subtitle cockups - or as they'd put it subtle cock-sups - continue to delight. Since my last round-up we've seen the BBC mistranslate rower Constantine Louloudis's name as "constantly tying lewdness". Sky News inform us that stylist Isabel Spearman's job for Samantha Cameron involved "co-ordinating her diahorrea" rather than her diary. And BBC1 unveil "the broad green knickers that Yorkshire is famous for". It should have been acres but their version was better. It brought Nurse Gladys Emmanuel to mind...
*BBC News had Jeremy Corbyn as "Jerry Micawber", presumably hoping something would turn up for him...
*THEORIES explaining Sonia's obvious EastEnders pregnancy: 1) Fatboy had really slow swimmers. 2) Tina got careless with the turkey baster. 3) Duh, she's clearly not human. Sonia's alien species has the gestation period of an elephant.
*I DON'T know, women spend their whole lives searching for their own personal Hugh Grant, but a bloke gets caught with just one hooker...
SMALL joys of TV: The Tick. Vicky Pattison, Murder In Successville. Four Rooms. Fleabag. Bullseye repeats (Challenge). Andy Parsons on Innocent Smoothies: "£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample and they have the cheek to call them Innocent."
RANDOM irritations: Iain Lee voice-overs. CBB's blatant Bear bias. Soap storylines - they never surprise and rarely make sense. There's Something About Romcoms including The Inbetweeners movie (!?!) but missing Annie Hall, the best of them all.
SEPARATED at birth: Renee Graziano and the Queen of Hearts? One an evil two-dimensional matriarch likely to order your death... and the other an upstanding former Mob wife (Make up your own jokes, you think I'm nuts?)
TV questions: Will Naked Attraction have a "best bits" special? Should sex change operations be done willy-nilly? Why do so many shows on the Living channel feature people with no lives whatsoever? And a serious one: why can't we have a red-button option to replace inane sport commentary with stadium or tennis court sound?
*FIVE questions for 500 Questions. 1: why inflict Coren on us? 2: Why call it 500 Questions when you get 50? 3) Why is it so complicated? 4) Is it the worst quiz since Red Or Black? 5) How long before it's axed?
*CATS and dogs both evolved in the Middle East. No wonder they hate each other.
August 21. What is it about Dragons' Den that keeps us hooked? It isn't the way it's filmed. Those melodramatic reaction shots are so naff you suspect the director must have cut his teeth on a bad Brazilian daytime soap opera. Even people on Hollyoaks find it a tad hammy, and you could serve them up with egg and chips. It isn't old Gollum, Evan Davis, telling us exactly what we've just seen like a gormless supply teacher addressing a class of particularly backward 8-year-olds. And it certainly isn't the dismal Reaction Room they've added this series - a worthless Googlebox rip-off minus the warmth and wit. Instead of the Siddiquis we get the pitcher's pal self-consciously yelling "Go humanitarian!" at a monitor. I want a Reaction Room to the Reaction Room so we can shout back "Go f... inance yourself!"
People who go on without knowing their figures irritate too. Don't they watch the show? It's only been running for 14 years! It's like Big Brother donuts who discuss nominations and then look shocked when they're outed. Even the dragons annoy. There's Peter Jones who turned down Trunki and dubbed the Tangle Teezer "hair-brained" (it's now worth £65m) but saw fit to invest in flop indie band Hamfatter. Deborah Meaden, who looks like Droopy Dog's peroxide sister, Moonpig Nick, Touker Souleyman and Sarah. Why is she the Willingham when Touker suits the name so much better? I'm still not convinced he isn't Harry Enfield playing a hugely punch-able comedy character...
The dragons are often wrong, they're inconsistent, they sulk and are hugely greedy, which is why they're loaded of course, but naturally they hate pitchers who haggle for better deals for themselves. The real reason we watch is the people, aspiring entrepreneurs and inventors like dyslexic Dad with Asperger's Martin Chard and his simple but brilliant Marxman marking tool. "The genius of it is the deep hole," said Sarah. Although you may have heard something similar on Ex On The Beach. Once again Peter Jones missed the potential.
*THOSE lame CGI dragons in the opening titles only serve to remind us how much better it'd be if they had the budget to bring in Daenerys and her Game Of Thrones ones. Cue Gollum: "Tarquin has forgotten his profit margins. Drogon is not happy. He's firing up... and, oh dear. It seems Tarquin's innovative line in flame-resistant nightwear isn't all it was cracked up to be".
*THE Dragons missed the mass market appeal of miniature selfie-statues recently. If Piers Morgan's one came with batteries he'd finally be able to consummate his passion for the one true love of his life. I'd buy a Simone Biles statuette, which I believe is full-size.
HEROES Of Helmand was a true story of incredible courage. It told how 88 British soldiers fought off more than 500 Taliban for 56 days. The siege of Musa Qala in Afghanistan ten years ago was the modern equivalent of the Alamo or Rorke's Drift. Our boys were outnumbered, outgunned and - they believed - rapidly running out of luck. Staff sergeant Ian Wornham recalled "I'd never encountered fighting like that. It was very intense... They were attacking from all sides - all the time". Worse, the 88 men of Easy Company, a mix of Paras and the Royal Irish, were in an unfortified compound, "not a defensive position in any sense," C.O. Major Jowett explained. The Taliban rained mortar shells and machine gun fire on them, at times coming close enough to lob grenades over the low mud walls. Yet miraculously we lost just three men in the eight week battle, with 12 more badly injured before a ceasefire was brokered. Easy Company's bravery is beyond question, but it was never made clear why reinforcements weren't sent. In truth, it's never been made clear why Blair sent our troops into Afghanistan in the first place.
CREEPY Netflix drama Stranger Things is like the Goonies meets The X-Files with a large dollop of Spielberg. Set in a small 1980s Indiana town, the show is centred on four nerdy kids hooked on Dungeons & Dragons. When one of them, Will, disappears the townsfolk launch a mass search and the other three including his brother Jonathan come across a weird near-mute girl with a buzz-cut hair-do known only as Eleven. Wynona Ryder excels as Will's hardworking mum Joyce who begins having bizarre experiences. Throw in a monster, telekinesis, secret government experiments and kids on bikes with walkie-talkies and it's decent, spooky summer escapism. If show-makers the Duffer brothers had told the story at a zippier pace it would have been even better,
HOT on TV: Heroes of Helmand... Stranger Things (Netflix)... Buster Keaton (Sky Arts).
ROT on TV: Giles Coren & his inexplicable self-confidence... chronic human comics on Monkeys Do The Funniest Things... ITN's Noreena Hertz - she makes Paul Mason seem like Charlie Chuckles.
HERE are five more binge-worthy box-sets: 1) Catastrophe. Hilariously earthy sitcom with big laughs, pathos and Carrie Fisher. 2) Daredevil - top-drawer superhero action. 3) The Walking Dead - humans v the zombie apocalypse. 4) The Shield - bent cops you can cheer for. 5) Jessica Jones - hard-living ex-superhero turns bed-busting detective. Not for kids.
*AUNT Babe was left for dead this week on EastEnders. Condition satisfactory. Tragically the poisonous witch survived. Slitheens are notoriously hard to kill.
*BELINDA'S new salon is called Elysium. Apt. The Matt Damon film of that name depicts a society riddled with crime, misery and disease... it's like the whole world's become Walford.
*TOP genuine names from the Olympics: Yoshie Takeshita. Gavin Smellie. Dong Dong. Steele Johnson. Gaylord Silly. Stephen Feck.
*BRILLIANT British cyclist Laura had the full support of her family. She's the first Olympian ever to benefit from the Trotts.
*KATIE Price's Pony Club? Plain pony.
SMALL joys of TV: all Blake Lively bikini clips. The Redgrave /Inverdale feud. Connor McIntyre as Corrie's twisted Pat Phelan. Robert Plant (Sky Arts). Ray Donovan The Supervet. Scotland's Wild Heart. Killer Whales: The Mega Hunt.
RANDOM irritation: BBC & Sky still reporting upbeat economic news with the whinging phrase "despite Brexit". All attempts to sell us horse-dancing as televised sport. The dismal deficiency of Tonia Couch bum shots at the Olympic diving.
*IS it just me who isn't keen on the women's shaven havens on Naked Attraction? What's wrong with a nice old-fashioned welcome mat?
SEPARATED at birth: Sir Bruce Forsyth and a macaque monkey, one a large-chinned comedy natural who has given the world a life-time of laughter; the other is Brucie.
CAROL Kirkwood was talking about the Queen Boadicea boat on BBC Breakfast when she revealed: "She is loved and admired by everybody who comes on her." You could win £35 by sending me choice innuendo filth like this via the Daily Star Sunday.
Aug 14. Skill, dedication and supreme effort make the Olympics an unmissable spectacle. Athletes at the peak of their abilities compete to be the world's best. They're the perfect antidote to "reality" TV wannabes and the polar opposite of most modern telly where "that'll do" is the guiding principle. It'd be hard to look at the summer's insipid line-up of dozy dramas and witless comedy and not conclude that our TV bosses have given up. Why are these clowns rewarded so richly for remaking old shows badly and recycling unrecognisable micro-celebrities? It's not courageous broadcasting. It's lazy, gutless and clueless. And it doesn't have to be like this.
The pay-TV revolution in the States kick-started a new golden age of television drama. Shows made with skill, dedication and Olympian ambition; shows so good you can't wait to watch the next episode. We've produced a couple recently, The Night Manager and Line Of Duty, but the Yanks are the masters. For my money The Sopranos and Game Of Thrones are the greatest long-form dramas ever made. If you're not into Rio there are plenty of top-drawer series around to help you through the lean summer weeks. Here's my pick of five more binge-worthy TV box-sets...
House Of Cards: Kevin Spacey stars as power-hungry congressman Francis Underwood, a cunning bastard who stops at nothing to claw his way to the top. He's the law and order candidate who ought to be a Law & Order suspect. Robin Wright plays his equally ruthless Lady Macbeth of a missus in this inspired remake of the BBC classic.
Fargo: the Coen Brothers film brilliantly reinvented for TV. It's got black humour, violence and a plot that grips like Rahimov's hands on a barbell.
Sons Of Anarchy: Hamlet on a Harley, this series about an outlaw biker gang has strong characters and more depth than Death Valley.
Battlestar Galactica: a dwindling band of humans fight off android Cyclon enemies in the smartest sci-fi series ever made.
The West Wing: Aaron Sorkin's fast-paced witty saga makes US politics seem spell-bindingly eloquent. So judging by their current Presidential candidates it's as far-fetched as the Southern Rail timetable. Alternatively, you can scan the schedules for decent cop shows and repeated sitcoms but you won't find many you haven't seen before.
HISTORY don Dominic Sandbrook is a smart guy but his guide to The 80s is wobblier than a Sinclair C5 in a Force 9 gale. Like CBB's Bear, he swings between being pointlessly provocative and irritatingly daft. Sandbrook says the real battle during the miners' strike was between rival miners rather than them and the government. So who sent the cops in at Orgreave? The Notts NUM branch? He claims Delia Smith set the tone of the decade, rather than Maggie Thatcher. Wrong. Take-away grub was the top food trend, not home-cooking. The 80s were about aspiration, he says, which means he has to swerve the decade's biggest TV show EastEnders. He covers Spandau Ballet but Jive Bunny, the pop equivalent of myxomatosis, had bigger hits. 2-Tone, MTV and hip hop escape his attention, as do mega-selling acts like Dire Straits, Jacko and Queen. He gets AIDS wrong too, praising Norman Fowler's hysterical and widely debunked "we're all potential casualties" line. How many Dorset pensioners needed to be warned about unprotected backdoor sex and needle sharing? (Knitting needles maybe) On the plus side, the 80s clips are fun.
ANDREW "Dice" Clay was the USA's first rock star comedian, filling stadiums with his mixture of dirty nursery rhymes and non-PC opinions. "If you don't speak the language, get the f*** out the country," he'd say to huge cheers. He was like Donald Trump with a laugh track. In Dice, Clay plays a version of himself living in Vegas and down on his luck (not far from the truth, he was playing small rooms there a few years back). It's a bit like Curb Your Enthusiasm with Larry David's part played by the tough-talking working class Brooklynite. Dice shows his flaws here, which makes him more likable. But his filth-hound stage persona was funnier, peddling smutty one-liners like "Little Boy Blue – he needed the money... "
HOT on TV: Adam Peaty and all of Team GB's brilliant medal winners... Michael Phelps... Simone Biles... Return To The Falklands.
ROT on TV: Mascara Boys – plastic plonkers... Shazia Mirza – as funny as cramp... Wayward Pines – worst second season ever... Say Yes To This Dress – say no to this show.
BEST wishes to Victor Meldrew star Richard Wilson who is recovering from a heart attack. His One Foot In The Algarve was repeated last week. The donkey/bathroom scene made me laugh out loud, even though I knew what was coming. I saw the 90-minute Xmas special being filmed in Portugal but I'd forgotten how funny it was. Peter Cook excelled as clumsy paparazzo Martin Trout, Craig Ferguson – a brilliant stand-up – played a Scottish yob, and Eamonn Walker was the saintly Hugo provoked into jaw-breaking violence. David Renwick's complex, darkly comic script hooked 20million viewers back in 1993. TV can't make 'em like this anymore, more's the pity.
*ODD, Rio's swimming pools turned divers green, but on CBB the diving turned other housemates greener... We've seen synchronised breaststroke and forward rolls. I'm pretty sure Bear also managed a faultless splash-less entry.
*IF Lewis and Marnie are Larnie, are Bear and Chloe "Blowie"?
*EMMA Willis spoke for all CBB fans when she said: "I don't want to watch Ex On The Beach, I want to watch Big Brother." Let's hope the bookers were listening.
*AN upset on Naked Attraction. Katie was picked by Matthew but never returned after their date. Presumably she'd seen more than enough.
*TV name of the week: Naked Attraction camera operative Steve Inchmore.
*HOW did Brief Encounters end without finding room on the soundtrack for Donna Summer's Love Is In Control (Finger On The Trigger)? Or Musical Youth's Pass The Dutch Cap?
*GOOD to see Grant Mitchell's personal growth is still confined to his y-fronts.
*WHY hasn't Mark Fowler got a Yank accent?
SMALL Joys of TV: women's beach volleyball. Helen Skelton's skirts. The Brief Encounters finale. Dice. Ghost chilli pork scratchings, Dragons' Den – visionary. The Get Down (Netflix). The classic fencing instructor episode of Frasier.
RANDOM irritations: Inane commentator prattle. Dreary smug-buckets paraded as Edinburgh's funniest by the BBC. Saira Khan advising other housemates to be less opinionated – that's like Heavy D telling you to keep the noise down.
SEPARATED at birth: Dominic Sandbrook and James Burke? One Burke hosted Connections in the 70s, the other berk makes tenuous connections for the 80s.
*THE Supervet printed a 3D cranial patch for a spaniel. Next maybe try creating a working brain for that dumber critter Heavy D.
*IF you sleep with an Amazon employee do they recommend someone else you might also like?
AUG 7. Like many blokes Heavy D dreamt of getting hot and sticky under the duvet with curvy Chloe Khan. But not quite the way that it happened on Nonentity Big Brother... X Factor reject Chloe blitzed his bed with chilli powder and toothpaste. It got worse. Aubrey then spat in Bear's sandwich. She got a final warning but only after hypocritical show producers let him eat it. In other news, Heavy D saw red when Bear snogged Chloe. The two nobodies squared up like Downing Street cats. Bear smashed a window and kicked off in the diary room. If this show gets any lower it'll hit Silurians.
It's hard to pick the most detestable housemate. If Saira Khan were a dog she'd spend all her time barking at strangers. But it was still uncomfortable viewing when Bear and co persuaded Marnie to flash her thru'pennies at her. The James Whale kitchen incident was iffy too. Whaley may be a professional loudmouth but he's also 65 and doesn't deserve to be tormented by three 20-something "reality" TV chancers.
This show has everything, if by everything you mean violence, bullying, stolen ideas and sub-celebrity bookings. What can Heavy D do other than run around saying "Boom" a lot? CBB is a career opportunity for him. For his family it's a month off.
In fairness I did laugh when Bear nearly pulled a Page 3 stunner, largely because the publication in question was Mafia Molls Monthly. Yes, Renee Graziano, 48, the daughter of a New York Mob consigliore, took a shine to the former East End roofer. Bear, 26, was blotto when she invited him to sleep in her bed – twice; at one point manoeuvring for a kiss. He sobered up pretty quickly. Now I like Renee, but Bear has gone into the CBB house to sleep with the dishes, not the fishes.
Biggins was the clear favourite until he channelled the spirit of Alf Garnett last week. His sins apparently include having unorthodox views on AIDS, saying the wrong things about bisexuals, and possibly making an ill-judged remark (or cracking a joke, C5 won't say) about concentration camps. Panicking producers gave him the boot on Friday, but kicking him out for having opinions or telling gags they don't like is babyish. What kind of world tolerates bullying and spitting in people's grub but can't deal with freedom of speech? Had he stayed, Biggins would have been nominated and the public would have made the call.
*HEAVY D ordered Chloe to wash his underpants during their task. After them, Zippo's circus tent will be a doddle.
SO the modern woman in The Living & The Dead turned out to be Nathan's great-great-granddaughter. Lara visited her family's ancestral farmhouse because she'd recognised herself and her iPad in Nathan's notes. But she was only in those notes because she went back... Confused? It gets madder. Driving away in the present day she was freaked by the ghostly spirit of Nathan and crashed her car into the marshes. The motor was then pulled out of the Somerset mud in 1896, even though her other half had rescued their tot from it 120 years later. Nathan was taking magic mushrooms this episode. I don't think he was the only one... What started as Poldark-with-poltergeists ended up as what Doctor Who would call "wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff". Cobblers, in other words. The series finished with posh folk using an Ouija board to ask Nathan's ghost why he'd killed his wife, setting it up for a second run. I foresee a different outcome: an ashen-faced BBC apparatchik from the near-future swinging an axe.
IT'S hard to watch Made In Chelsea without wanting to sharpen up a guillotine, especially as the posh prats were preening and partying in the south of France. But I did warm to Olivia hankering after "French sausage". When Sam said "You know what you need... " Liv replied hopefully "A bit of dick?" Nice to see the money her parents spent on finishing school wasn't wasted. Francis told her: "Vous etes tres chic" (You're very fashionable). "What does that mean?" she asked. "I'm as thick as sh*t?" Well yes and no... Liv probably thinks a pas de deux is the father of twins. Elsewhere Jamie cheated on Frankie (again) and Ollie told Steph "You haven't had sex for a long time, we need to fill that void". A bit forward, yes, but still a much nicer word than bucket. Bonking and betrayal... a real Cannes of worms. Next time, send 'em to Syria.
HOT on TV: Riley Keough, The Girlfriend Experience (Amazon Prime)... Maimie "Milady" McCoy, The Musketeers.
ROT on TV: Cash Trapped – quiz crap... Grant Bovey – G-Bo? Just F-O... the Googlebox Brexit special – six weeks late and about as deep as a French sauce spoon.
GRANT Mitchell is back in EastEnders! Woo-hoo! The soap needs proper blokes like Walford needs condom machines. Grunt is harder than the questions in that Child Genius final and like catnip to any passing Cockney slapper. His carnal conquests include Sharon, Michelle, Tiff, Jane Beale, Kath of Kath's caff, Mad Joe's mum... the big lug has seen more action than Simon Danczuk's desk. So his return is good news, right? Not really. Ross Kemp could only spare the Beeb a meagre three weeks of filming, barely time for a revenge shag with one of Phil's fillies. He'll be in and out quicker than Lee was with Abi. So why don't Enders re-cast the character? Kemp is terrific of course. But It can't be that hard to find a pop-eyed hard-nut with. A. Peculiar way of. Talking.
*CHILD Genius mentioned the ballet dancer Vaganova. She sounds like something you'd see on Embarrassing Bodies. "Doctor, my privates are painfully inflamed", "Ah yes, madam, a clear case of Vaganova".
*TITCHY Sam Fox wants Taylor Swift to play her in a movie about her life. What next, Idris Elba as Biggins?
*RE Leslie Grantham's children's book, given his webcam high-jinks is it wise that the main character is a Master Bates?
*I HEARD Sue Perkins described as "side-splitting" in the week. She must've taken up surgery.
SMALL Joys of TV: Vicky Pattison, Sunday Brunch. The Musketeers finale. Sharkfest. Bear bricking it when he saw that massive CBB security guard. Micky Flanagan and Bradley Walsh's spatchcocking riff, The Chase Celeb Special. Toucan Nation. Killjoys (Syfy). Mo Farah: Race Of His Life.
RANDOM irritations: Celebrity Big Brother stinking like Cameron's honours list. Saira Khan with that gob like a gateway to hell. Heavy D eating, he makes Gregg Wallace look dainty. The BBC wasting Paxman on dull art documentaries. Remoaners dominating the news agenda.
*ONE week the Inside The Factory camera will pan round to reveal Gregg Wallace at the end of a conveyor belt with his gob wide opening receiving the produce straight into his gullet...
SEPARATED at birth: Phil Mitchell and Toby Young? One a washed-up grouch who alienates everybody he meets, the other a soap character.
TV Maths. Fat Barry from EastEnders + trough full of Doritos = Heavy D.
PAULINE was talking about door handles on May The Best House Win when she said: "That style of knob does nothing for me." I heard something similar on Naked Attraction.