Boxing day. This year’s Christmas TV theme was nostalgia. Or as
I prefer to call it, plagiarism. The official Fraud Squad term
is ‘passing off’. The festive TV listings looked and felt like
a 1970s Xmas schedule; unfortunately it couldn’t deliver like
one. Laughs were as abundant as council gritters and there was
more chance of catching a flight from Heathrow than anything remotely
original. We got four versions of Scrooge before Doctor Who got
round to it – from Blackadder, the Muppets, Catherine Tate’s Nan,
and Alastair Sim’s unbeatable film version. The classic Dickens
tale has been re-made by Ross Kemp, Vanessa Williams, George C.
Scott and most memorably Daffy Duck (in Bah Hum-duck). What could
the Doc bring to it that Mr Magoo didn’t? Umm, a flying shark,
Katherine Jenkins in cold storage, and magnificent Michael Gambon
as Kazran – another world’s Ebenezer geezer. Steven Moffat packed
in energy, exuberance, snow, carols, a sleigh and for no apparent
reason the Doc marrying Marilyn off screen. But the episode’s
big heart couldn’t fully dispel the so-what factor. We knew the
story; there was no real twist, little tension and just a smattering
of Jaws-lite behind-the-sofa terror.
BBC1’s The One Ronnie was more frustrating. It was like a
Two Ronnies’ tribute act delivering lame forgeries of the duo’s
best sketches. It was like watching The Jam without Weller.
There wasn’t a joke in it worth re-telling.
Why is Xmas telly an X-Mess? Largely because of TV’s Pol Pot
‘Year Zero’ approach to comedy. From Russ Abbot to Brian Conley,
mainstream entertainers have been ruthlessly driven off the
box. If you didn’t fit some right-on network nitwit’s idea of
what comedy should be, you were out. (Humour snobs thought the
Two Ronnies were “old hat” back then too.) Everything had to
be cutting edge. The same malaise nobbled British sitcoms. When
a good one breaks, like Gavin & Stacey, it’s a complete surprise
to them. Nothing comes close to Fools & Horses now. They can
fix it by investing in mainstream talent again. The current
policy – remake, recycle, repeat, regurgitate – is like Jim
Royle, it will never wash.
*THAT freezer box Katherine Jenkins was in, is it where they
keep Ann Robinson on ice between episodes of the Weakest Link?
*ON Dr Who, Katherine’s character Abigail soothed the killer
shark by singing to it. Just as well they didn’t release Wagner.
*THE episode included a “distress call from the honeymoon
suite.” Well, Amy was in police uniform. Rory probably needed
AMAZING scenes on EastEnders: Stacey turned up at a London
airport and got straight on a plane. It’s a Christmas miracle,
I tell you. Even this wasn’t the most far-fetched aspect of
Walford’s winter woeful-land, though. Phil has gone from useless
crack-head to underworld fence in the blink of a blood-shot
eye. Three chirpy Cockney killers (Janine, Stacey and Ryan)
were playing Murder-Go-Round. And marriage-wrecking ex-whore
Fat Pat got on her moral high horse about, um, marriage-wrecking,
displaying impressive loyalty to her murdering ex-whore of a
step-daughter. Elsewhere desperate Bianca was nicked for thieving,
but was home for Xmas no doubt with a pat on the head and a
mince pie from Ken Clarke. And adultery addict Max, who looks
like a partially bleached baked bean, suddenly remembered he
used to have grumpy-pumpy with Stacey. For light relief we got
obscene graffiti - it was either a penis or a portrait of producer
Brian Kirkwood, whose days must surely be as numbered as an
advent calendar for churning out this dismal fare. Next up?
Cot death. Happy days.
*COME Fly With Me is an airport comedy, not to be confused
with Heathrow, the long-running farce. It’s a parody of those
Airport/Airline shows so popular fifteen years ago, so it’s
as cutting edge as a pensioner’s gums. But it took off with
a cargo of cracking characters all played by Matt Lucas and
David Walliams. There are bitchy check-in girls, a groin-groping
fake security man, tail-chasing Taj, and Omar the boss of budget
airline FlyMo who charges passengers to use life-jackets in
emergencies. (Technically, he’s an easyJest.) So far there’s
none of the woman-hating grossness that blighted the later series
of Little Britain.
HOT on TV: Katherine Jenkins (Dr Who)... Tatiana Maslam (Nativity)...
Come Fly With Me... Yellowstone.
ROT on TV: My Family – ho-ho-hopeless... The One Ronnie –
wrong Ronnie... Little Crackers – largely knackered... Louis
Spence’s Showbiz Xmas – mistle-turd... Vince Cable - biggest
turkey on the box.
*THEY missed a trick during that Apprentice task to design
a new tipple. Where was Baggs the Brandy?
*KARA Tointon tore a ligament in her lower arm before the
Strictly final. By coincidence, many an adolescent boy did the
same thing while watching her...
*ALAN Carr on Matt Cardle: “What a crazy week for him. On
top of the Xmas charts. On top of the stylist... the make-up
artist... the backing singer...”
*ONE Direction? Yeah. To the Job Centre.
*MISSING from 100 Greatest Toys: humble cowboy cap guns, toy
soldiers, farm animals, Pass The Pigs, a magnifying glass and
a nest of helpless ants... or was that just Frankie Boyle? (PS
If Monopoly counts as a toy, why not chess and draughts?)
*FRANKIE Boyle’s upsetting everyone. He’s evil. When C4 want
a meeting, they don’t call his agent. They just draw a pentagram
on the floor in goat’s blood and chant “We summon thee.”
*ITV gave Paul Burling his own show. Why? He’s great as Harry
Hill for five minutes, but couldn’t sustain an hour of weak
skits. Paul should have hosted a variety show full of other
BGT turns like Escala and the excellent Kev Orkian (currently
entertaining the troops in Afghanistan.)
SMALL Joys of Xmas TV: Katy Perry on The Simpsons. Malcolm
Tucker on a camel (Nativity). Imagine on Ray Davies. Kat Moon
calling Fat Pat “a rancid old caaaw.” Inappropriate Xmas songs
– SuBo singing Perfect Day (about heroin), Nigel Slater featuring
Geraldine (about suicide).
XMAS irritations: The BBC’s belief that screening old comedy
DVDs counts as festive programming. Clip shows lazily masquerading
as ‘Xmas specials.’ Soap amnesia – Kevin Webster not reminding
Sally of her affairs, Ryan and Stacey not mentioning Janine’s
SEPARATED at birth: the Crossbow Cannibal and Tyrone Dobbs
– brace yourself, Kevin!
Dec 19. A GLORIOUS episode of The Apprentice as Stuart Baggs
was finally brought down to earth like a ruptured zeppelin.
It was interview week, and The Brand was publically devalued
by Sugar’s merciless attack dogs. “I’m a big fish in a small
pond,” Baggs bragged. “You’re not a big fish,” retorted Claude
Litner. “You’re not even a fish.” Oh, I don’t know. Something
about him has always said pollocks. “Stuart Baggs the brand?”
Litner scoffed. “What on earth are you talking about? You’re
a 21-year-old kid, not a brand.” “I think I might be,” replied
Baggs, who’d started looking like Just William caught outside
a broken window with a catapult in his hand.
Bordan Tkachuk, CEO of Sugar’s IT company Viglen, delivered
the fatal blow, pointing out that contrary to Stu’s boasts,
he doesn’t actually own “a fully licensed telecoms company in
the Isle of Man.” More part-time access to a pay-phone in the
chip shop next door... You’d think candidates would have worked
out by now that the two essentials to survive the interviews
are: Don’t lie on your CV, Do learn about Sugar’s business.
Joanna didn’t even know what it was called, suggesting “Vidgy-len.”
Most of them had a rough ride. Droning Chris was called “a
quitter who can’t hack it”; Jamie was “a loser looking for an
escape route” and Stella was dismissed as “just a very good
PA.” Margaret Mountford was a joy. She dismissed Jamie’s “third
nipple” joke as “puerile”; and said Chris was “fixated” by his
(minor) academic achievements. She gave Baggs her famous raised
eyebrow treatment, and when he boasted he’d be “24/7 not 9-5”,
she added “And no doubt give it a 110 per cent.” The sarcasm
was lost on Stuart, but even he couldn’t misread Sugar’s final,
righteous verdict: “You’re full of shit, basically.” It’s Chris
v Stella tonight. My money’s on her. Chris is smart, but self-starting
council estate girl Stella has the sort of back-story Sugar
loves. She’s focused, hungry and she gets results. They’re taking
on “one of the world’s oldest professions”. Let’s hope it doesn’t
involve Katie Waissel’s gran.
*BAGGS almost fooled Margaret with his wild talk of micro-chips
that would allow you to “find your lost cat in Bermuda.” If
only the US Defence Department hadn’t ripped off his vision
by inventing GPS decades ago... That ‘Brand’ in full: Bogus,
Rude, Arrogant, Nauseating, Dickhead.
*CHIPS that can track a stray pussy? Liz Hurley’s hubby could
have done with one of them...
KEN Clarke says prison doesn’t change people. But have a butcher’s
at Ben Mitchell. After just 20 weeks in borstal, Ben has returned
a foot taller, with different eye colouring and a longer boat-race.
He punched Dad Phil too! Outrageous. The old Ben would have
expressed his rage through the medium of interpretative modern
dance and finished on a show-tune. They did have one happy reunion
though: Glenda Mitchell’s knees were temporarily together again.
*BILLY had launderette sex with Julie. Talk about a service
bosh. Is a launderette conducive to lust? Everywhere you look
you see the word ‘softener’. But at least they did it in Comfort.
*LAST week in Walford: rows, misery, attempted murder... Yep,
it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
*DID you see Connor in his pants? What was he doing, auditioning
for an X Factor dance troupe?
*NO wonder Kara Tointon won Strictly, she even got Craig Revel-Horrid
hot under the collar. Last week he threatened to “dust off my
ten” for her, which is a little forward, not to mention extremely
HOT on TV: McIntyre (Royal)... Apprentice interview week...
Amir Khan... Rihanna... Mickey Flanagan.
ROT on TV: the X Factor rejects – flatter than the Freshly
Squeezed presenters... One Direction – as tuneful as a wounded
bison...Dirk Gently – George Gently is funnier... Take Me Out
– no like-ee, all shite-ee.
*SOME fresh faces at the Royal Variety Show, then. Take That
– we’d not seen them on telly for at least five days. Ditto
Cheryl ‘Calamity’ Cole... The bill had too much music, and very
little in the way of variety. Loved Michael McIntyre imagining
the Pogues on X Factor, though. Not fussed about Jack Whitehall
– that’s one Whitehall student rioters should smash up.
*THE most mind-boggling thing about Elton John, Piers, is
that women used to faint at his shows. And not just because
70s venues didn’t have air-con. Despite being ugly enough to
play for Man United, Elton was a pin-up! Pop music: getting
unsightly men laid since 1960. (And girls, I’m in a band. Don’t
*THE Top Five most hideous geezers in rock: 1) Justin Hawkins
2) Shane MacGowan 3) Marilyn Manson 4) Roland Orzabal 5) Any
of Kiss out of make-up.
*WELL done Alan Carr, you’ve changed the face of the TV chat
show. If only the chat show could return the favour.
*ALAN on Gillian McKeith: “She said she missed her period,
yeah, by about seventy years from the look of her.”
*HOPE Carla gets her claws into Peter on Corrie. She needs
more than booze in her life. Carla blew in a breathalyser once
and it replied: “One at a time, please, folks.”
*THOSE X Factor costumes were very festive. Everywhere you
looked it was ’ho, ’ho, ’ho...
*LEMBIT and McKeith are planning a theatre tour. Memo to Matt
Cardle – throw in Stuart Baggs and THAT’S what I call ‘Many
*Barrymore’s House That Made Me? A lot more humble than the
house that shamed him.
* STING: Live In Berlin? I wish he did.
SMALL joys of TV: Matt accidentally punching Dannii (X Factor).
Harry from Wand Erection telling Matt about the, ahem, minge
benefits of fame on live TV. Misfits. Ann’s banter with Ailsa,
an obvious transsexual, on Weakest Link. And Harald Glööckler,
the real-life Bruno. (And possibly David Gest’s secret love-child)
RANDOM irritations: Corrie conning us over those “four funerals.”
Po-faced bores moaning about Rihanna and Christina. Pop has
always been sexy – that’s why 1950s TV executives banned groin
shots of Elvis. ‘Irreverent’ Robert Webb - irrelevant surely?
SEPARATED at birth: Bruno Tonioli and Frankie Howerd: one
a camp buffoon associated with ancient Italy, the other a revered
English comedian. More Up Pompeii/Strictly crossovers: Ludicrous
(Bruce), Odius (Craig), Ponderous (Len), Tittia (Alesha), Tarta
(Cut! – Lawyer).
Dec 12. It was Corrie’s 50th anniversary on Thursday. You’d
have thought ITV might have mentioned it... I’m joking of course.
There was so much Weatherfield action last week I’m still seeing
cobbles. It kicked off on Monday, and you know how it is when
you go on a stag or hen night – someone always ends up hammered...
poor Charlotte the Harlot. Next came an almighty gas explosion
at The Joinery. (Chief suspect, old man Windass). Then the Street’s
CGI tram went off the rails as spectacularly as Carla Conner
at a wine-tasting. Flaming Nora!
Brilliantly directed by Graeme Harper, the episode gripped
like Nick Tilsley enjoying a crafty knee-trembler with Leanne.
Shock turned swiftly to panic. We knew three more people would
croak, but who? Not Rita – her hair-spray helmet kept her safe.
Not the tram driver – he was solid ham. Nor Sunita who must
carry on enduring the pain of Dev’s acting. Nope. T’grim reaper
came for: Molly, who died as she lived, on her back, moaning
and groaning. Ashley, who rather than having the life crushed
out of him by Claire’s thumb for thirty years, was marmalised
by a girder. And maybe Peter, who looks set to pop his clogs
after tying the knot with Leanne. His liver will then be beaten
to death with a stick.
Our favourites reacted with horror, grief, heroism (Jason),
selfishness (Gail) or an unlikely change of character – Sean,
a man with the backbone of a mollusc, suddenly taking charge.
Thursday’s live episode a real triumph, with more twists than
a blackjack convention: Chucky’s deathbed confession, Charlotte
clinging to life, Becky thieving, vile Kylie (the woman most
deserving of a fling with John Stape) blackmailing her sister.
They finally remembered Rita, but what upset me most was that
nobody asked about the cat...
The only note of caution worth sounding is the law of diminishing
returns. Today’s soaps over-rely on shock. What made Corrie
great was its warmth, and the way it told small truths about
small lives. Its cornerstone is still its characters, and from
Ena to Blanche our favourites have always been old’uns with
attitude. What would Albert Tatlock have made of Weatherfield
now? Eee, happen it’s a rum do to celebrate your fiftieth with
mayhem and murder.
*WORDS and phrases you only hear on Corrie: 1) Wuzzock 2)
Balmpot 3) Gail, you’re beautiful. Please marry me.
*A NEW character threatened to turn up for the live episode.
I don’t know who this Al Qaeda fella is but he’s been cutting
Fiz’s hair for years.
*THE real Corrie train-wreck came on Come Dine With Me. I
loved Ken Morley as Reg Holdsworth, but off-script the guy’s
an attention-seeking nightmare. There are chimps with better
table manners. Unless his whole obnoxious dribbling, spitting,
burping, wind-breaking performance was a cunning audition for
the part of McKeith-style irritant in next year’s jungle...
*DOT Branning, a Corrie fan? So presumably she’d have been
a little surprised when Tricky Dicky from the market popped
up in Liz McDonald’s bed calling himself Vernon Tomlin a few
years back. And when Jerry McKenzie turned into murderous Richard
Hillman the shock must have knocked her bandy. Dot didn’t blink
an eye when Corrie’s Rebecca turned up in Albert Square as Kate,
an undercover cop running a nail bar. And she’s clearly forgotten
her own stint on the cobbles as Mrs Parsons. (Hubby Jim enjoyed
a Weatherfield second life as Ernie Lumsden...)
HOT on TV: Corrie-geddon... Jane Danson (Corrie)... Dara O’Briain...
Andy Serkis as a killer cabbie (Accused) – murderous fare.
ROT on TV: Corrie Come Dine With Me – a carnival of desperation...
Black-Eyed Peas (X Factor) – cauliflower dull... The Morgana
Show – more pants than a Justin Bieber stage.
*CHER got through to last night’s X Factor final, prompting
calls to rename the show FIFA Factor. She was as flat as Corrie’s
Kabin last weekend, and her attitude is as bad as her skin.
Yet Cher survived another week because Simon believed she gave
him something money can’t buy - teen street-cred. She won’t
be missed. Good luck to Matt and Rebecca, but this whole series
has been tarnished by fiddles, fixes and judges who wouldn’t
judge. The absolute highlight was Wagner singing Creep.
Far from the hype and hysteria, real musical talent – from
Redtrack to Laura Marling via Wolf People – are keeping the
flame of genuine creativity alive.
*STUART Baggs told Alan Sugar he was a punt. Tsk. Where’s
James Naughtie when we need him? “I am not a one-trick pony,”
the Brand continued. No, mate. You’re just pony.
*JAMIE was mocked on The Apprentice: You’re Fired for saying
that the Thames was “the second largest river in London.” But
technically he was correct. The largest is of course the vale
of tears that runs through Walford.
*GLENDA Mitchell: hotter than her daughters? Or just sluttier?
She slept with Ian Beale and Phil Mitchell last week. And then
besmirched Ian’s sexual prowess. How dare she? Beale can make
any woman happy in bed. By leaving it.
*SHOCK scenes on Thursday night, but after sitting through
the Royal Variety Show, Prince Charles wished he was back in
*THERE was terror in poor Camilla’s eyes... and that was just
when she saw the bill. Cheryl Cole? Jack Whitehall? Arghhhh!
*THE idiot who desecrated the Cenotaph is the son of Dave
Gilmour. So Pink Floyd were wrong, he do need some education.
*ONE good thing came out of Widdy on Strictly, at least Anton
knows that when he finally hangs up his dancing shoes he’ll
waltz into a new career – as a Smithfield meat porter.
*BRUNO said that Widdy danced like “a Dalek in drag”. Unfair!
Daleks move quite gracefully.
*FRANKIE Boyle’s stand-up is merciless, but his ugly, laugh-free
sketches suggest Tramadol Nights may have peaked with show one.
A shame. Shock-junkie Frank is a comic book fan. Think what
he could achieve if he used his comedic powers for good not
SMALL joys of TV: Natalie dancing in her underwear (Strictly).
The end of Widdy – not so much hello Dolly as goodbye donkey.
Tour guide Jamie (Apprentice). Tupele’s legs (CCDWM). 70s nostalgia
in Boy George’s The House That Made Me.
RANDOM irritations: Will.I.Am – Dick.U.R. X Factor rules being
more changeable than Louis’s hair colour. Xmas coming earlier
and earlier. The way Ed Milliband says his ‘S’s. The fact that
we have to call Alan Sugar ‘Lord’ because he sucked up to gormless
SEPARATED at birth: Dannii Minogue and ET? One a strange,
unintelligible alien who won’t go home... and so’s the other
one. One travelled thousands of miles, befriended a young boy,
and took on the forces of darkness. But hey, enough about Simon
Cowell and Syco.
Dec 5. Frankie Boyle’s humour is as black as a barrel of liquidised
crows. He kicked off his new Tramadol Nights series by haranguing
the audience like a mad tramp with a compassion by-pass. One
poor sod was told he resembled “a cross between Andy Bell and
a pickled foetus in a jar” or “a child’s drawing of a dead baby.”
Another was accused of having “quantum-leaped to be with us
from the Victorian prison system.” Then Frankie started on the
Pope who “loved it in Britain as most of his Nazi pals only
made it as far as France.” His Popemobile “runs on the tears
of abused choir boys”, he said, adding that when the Pontiff
met Susan Boyle, “he thought she was there to be cured.”
It was savage, tasteless and extremely funny – almost as if
the spirit of Bernard Manning was being channelled by a belligerent
university drop-out with a grudge against the world. Except
Boyle goes place Manning never would. Bernard would have been
rightly disgusted by jokes about the abused and the disabled,
or kids with Downs’ Syndrome. The style is similar; it’s just
the taboos that have changed.
Tamadol Nights wasn’t just stand-up though. There was an animated
George Michael Highway Code: ‘Mirror, Signal, Manouevre, Wank.’
And sketches like the Iranian Loose Women, where the burqa-clad
chatter-boxes were immediately hanged and shot (unfortunately
coinciding with the real-world execution of Shahla Jahed.) Frankie
re-imagined Knightrider’s Michael Knight as a schizophrenic
who believed his car was talking to him, and then got wasted
- just like the real Hasselhoff. While his take on The Green
Mile had John Coffey healing the afflicted by shagging them.
(Wasn’t that Matt Ramsden’s excuse on Corrie?)
There are many reasons to dislike Frankie Boyle. Especially
if you’re Jerry Sadowitz or the producer of a once unmissable
BBC2 panel show. Boyle’s tirades wind up left and right alike;
he mocks the weak as well as the powerful, and his soul is obviously
as dark and shrivelled as Carla Connor’s liver. And yet I’m
ashamed to say the twisted bastard makes me laugh out loud.
*DID we ever find out who Aggro Santos was or why we supposed
to care about him? At least Kayla filled out a bikini nicely,
when she wasn’t sulking, moaning and stomping about like a spoilt
Californian princess. The best thing about Aggro was his afro
which made him look disturbingly like Diana Ross.... just as
Alison’s five o’clock shadow may have fooled the short-sighted
into believing that the late great Barry White had returned
from the grave. Babbling birdbrain Stacey Solomon won over the
nation with her sunny disposition. Whether munching on marsupial
member or dodging more gunk than a German porn starlet, Stacey
keep smiling through... which is more than you can say for most
of her rivals. McKeith being a selfish, conniving pain in the
outback surprised no-one. But who knew Nigel Havers was a bad-tempered
snob? Or that Dom Joly was such a wally? Granted he was good
in the spy mission (nicked from Big Brother), but most of the
time Dom came across as a priggish, controlling bore.
*MY Man of the Match was Shaun Ryder. Good on the British
public for putting the two most honest, down-to-earth contenders
through to the final. Now how about a Shaun-Stacey single to
knock X Factor off the top? A Fairy Tale Of New South Wales
would be good: ‘Was Christmas morning, in the gunk tank...’
*SADLY there was no sexual chemistry in the camp. Stacey did
enjoy a foot of meat one evening, but disappointingly one that
had previously belonged to a crocodile. Kayla was best in the
shellfish challenge. Something about her just screamed soft
*WHY turn Stacey into a pie? Well, Jenny was crustier, but
Stace has had a lot more filling.
*JUSTIN Bieber made the “phone me” gesture to Cheryl Cole.
What did he want? A bedtime story or the name of a good miming
coach? Cheryl will judge US X Factor. It’s a great result. For
HOT on TV: Lee Mack... Tramadol Nights... Alison King & Jane
Danson (Corrie)... Hayley Atwell... Mad Men finale.
ROT on TV: Morgana – big talent, lousy script... Hairy Bikers
Cook Off – my sentiments almost exactly... Tim Westwood... Will
Ferrell – as funny as hypothermia.
*KEN and Deirdre shouldn’t be too hard on Leanne over her
fling with Wallace lookalike Nick. The girl can’t help it. She’s
fatally attracted to plasticine. Besides, between the two of
them, they’ve had more leg-overs than a champion jockey. I’m
more worried about John Stape. If word of his affair gets out,
his marriage will go down the same toilet Charlotte drinks out
*RYAN and Stacey bonked on the bonnet of Jim’s Morris Minor
on EastEnders. I know the car needed a good servicing, but strewth.
It fairness they did it in a quarry where a hard helmet is always
*WAKING The Dead: just one letter away from being TV’s most
offensive show ever.
*NEW from Wiki-Leaks: the CIA’s code-name for Katie Waissel’s
grandmother? The Gran Canyon.
*IS it me, or does Vera Wang Princess sounds more like a drag
act than a perfume?
*RUBY Wax is to perform at Rampton. Makes sense. You’d have
to be nuts to find her funny.
*MY new TV format for Gillian McKeith: Celebrity Whose Poo
– in which the bogus doctor must match stool to celeb on the
basis of diet and smell alone. First up, Widdy on an all-prune
diet. It could run and run.
*AL Murray’s German Adventure would have horrified the Pub
Landlord. Posh softie bigs up a country that thinks it’s socially
acceptable to wear lederhosen? Shame on you.
SMALL joys of TV: Jane spraying deodorant on her knickers
on EastEnders – Aunt Sal uses de-icer. Morgana as Fearne Cotton.
The ever louder sound of the trams on Corrie – let’s pray the
big crash takes out Charlotte, Gail, Sean and the Stapes.
RANDOM irritations: The endless tedium of Corrie’s Fishwick
saga. The piss-poor narration on Apocalypse. TV satirists’ dismal
failure to take on EU corruption. ITV’s never-ending Abba obsession.
*TV mystery: Donald Trump’s hair – is it done by the people
behind crop circles?
SEPARATED at birth: Gillian McKeith and the Wicked Witch of
the West – one an evil abomination dripping with deceit and
self-interest; the other a character in the Wizard Of Oz.