Feb 28. Chris Moyles is back with a second series of Chris Moyles Quiz Night. The toughest question is why? Every Moyles TV show to date has gone down like Christine Pratt leaping naked from the PM’s birthday cake.This quiz doesn’t work on any level. The questions are pathetic, the guests are as funny as a Downing Street bollocking, and blustering, witless Moyles remains a smug big-head in a dull suit. He’d have to dumb up to qualify as stupid.

Chris thought Nelson’s greatest naval victory was the Battle of Waterloo. The brightest thing he ever said was “Good morning.” The smartest thing C4 could tell him is “Good-bye.” The only pleasure in the whole show was watching the gormless spud-faced git being reduced to incoherence by David Walliams. (Although he’s another over-rated buffoon who mistakes being loud and camp for humour). Ordinarily I wouldn’t get worked up about such minor irritants, but British TV is rapidly being taken over by the forces of hell ((c) Alistair Darling). Everywhere you look mediocrity is on the rise.

We live in an era where Live From Studio Five is deemed suitable for broadcast, Loose Women wins awards and telly execs think Danny Dyer is a documentary maker.

Nobody involved in running TV comedy knows what they’re doing. Last week, Amanda Holden’s circus flop-com Big Top got the big chop, but you can bet your last fiver the clowns who commissioned it are still in place. BBC drama series are no better. Survivors was such a mess I’m amazed any viewers survived at all. While our minds are indelibly scarred by disasters like Bonekickers (“Don’t mess with me, I’m an archaeologist”) and the diabolical Apparitions (Judge John Deed as an exorcist).

British TV once led the world in quality. Now the Beeb prefer to piddle our dosh away on BBC3’s relentless cascade of cack. Yet we’ve living in a golden age of TV drama. Shows like The Sopranos, The Shield, True Blood, The Wire, Boston Legal, Lost, 24, Nurse Jackie...have you spotted the link yet? They’re all American. Sure the BBC made Life On Mars and State Of Play but what have they done for us lately? TV bosses need to try harder and C4 needs to take risks again. Give Frankie Boyle his own live show and knee him in the nuts thirty seconds before it goes on air. That my friends would be dangerous television.

BRADLEY’S death on EastEnders raised a lot of questions; unfortunately no-one is asking them. For starters, motive. WHAT made this mild-mannered, law-abiding kid turn killer? No-one asks, no-one cares. The clueless cops just assume Brad dunnit. WHY did Plod pursue him around that roof to his death? If this had happened in real life, Max would be suing the Met. There’d be a public outcry and an official investigation. And HOW did Brad manage to plummet to his death, land face down and emerge without a scratch? The make-up required to conceal the mess of bumps, gashes and bruises would have shot off the scale, past ‘Barbara Cartland’ and in to basecoat plastering.

*NEW dish on the Masood Masalla menu: Masood Placenta.

ASHLEY Cole has got more chance of finding a woman prepared to trust him than ITV has of producing an original must-see drama series. Married Single Other is their latest lame attempt to re-do Cold Feet. It’s Colder Feet. Or in this case Lukewarm Arse. I have no idea who these people are, where they are supposed to exist or why we should give a monkey’s toss about any of them.The men are all working class Northerners, their women are middle class Southerners, their children speak like no kids you’ve ever met in your life. One precocious brat of about ten described his Mum as “35 – nearly old enough to carry off the word spinster with aplomb.” Stephen Fry didn’t talk like that at his age, let alone an ambulance driver’s son.

*HUNG is about living your life with a giant cock. It’s the Cheryl Cole story.

HOT on TV: new True Blood (FX)... sizzlingly sexy Anna Paquin... Archer (Fiver)... Damages... Brian Cox (On Expenses)... Nurse Jackie finale.

ROT on TV: Married Single Other – televised oestrogen... The Day The Immigrants Left – more one-sided than a Möbius Strip... Instant Restaurant - instant turn-off... Moyles... Above Their Station – like The Thin Blue Line without jokes (so just like The Thin Blue Line, then).

*THE Baftas were a tense experience. There's always that air of anticipation as the audience wait nervously to find out... will Jonathan Ross ever get around to cracking a half-decent gag? (No).

*WHAT the hell has happened to Woss? If the subversive young whippersnapper who fronted the Last Resort could see what he’s become he’d be on the phone to Ray Gosling.

*BAFTA irritations: JR’s joke-free script. Vanessa Redgrave’s speech – it curled more toes than the Spanish Inquisition. Commentators having more to say about Carey Mulligan’s dress than the state of the British film industry...

* If you missed Vanessa Redgrave’s acceptance speech at the Baftas, don't worry. She's still talking!

*ON Corrie, Joe was found sleeping with the fishes. Which made a change from his married life, sleeping with one cold one.

*TINA is devastated about her Dad, and Jason is gutted too - just thinking about how long he’ll have to wait until she’s up for a shag again.

*CHERYL Cole is 5lbs lighter. That’ll be the wedding ring.

*FACT: Michael Ball is now so huge he has to squeeze himself into a thin suit to play Edna in Hairspray. He’s so fat he sweats gravy.

*WHAT next after Gerry Adams on Jesus (The Bible), Rose West on Mother Theresa? John Terry on fidelity?

SMALL joys of TV: Michael Burke’s voice-over on Pineapple Dance Studios. Peter Mandelson, even if his tongue’s so forked it could open wine bottles. And Angula Matanda on How To Get What You Want. I’m watching the whole series on the off-chance that there’s an episode on How To Get Angula.

*THE Wolfman was a let-down. A movie about a raging, semi-human beast... and Gordon Brown doesn’t even get a walk-on.

Feb 19. EASTENDERS just about got away with it, which is more than can be said for the Brannings. Tonight’s live episode saw Bradders splattered, Jack fluffing his lines and Stacey confessing to Archie’s murder. Yep, the nutter dunnit.

The show was full of wild accusations, iffy camera work and more red herrings than the Chinese fishing fleet. There was one truly disturbing scene – Minty with his shirt off. And many unanswered questions. Like, how did Brad fall backwards and land face-down? Why did none of those dozy coppers bother to check his pulse? And why weren’t the Star Trek fanatic’s last words: “Beam me up, Scotty?”

Walford is rapidly catching up with Midsomer as England’s corpse capital, with four brutal deaths in six months. Short term shock has replaced characterisation as the soap’s driving force, with plots endlessly recycled. Archie’s biggest crime originally was to make Peggy dress her age. Enders made him more and more evil. By the end, not only had he raped Stacey (Why? She’s anyone’s for a bottle of plonk), he’d also incestuously ravished Ronnie. So will Stacey go down? (Yeah, for wine; see above). And will the writers remember that Big Mo was running a book on the killer’s identity?

*THE big Enders twist amazed me. Archie was the best character the soap has had for years; naturally I’d assumed the killer was a hit-man dispatched by Corrie.

* THE UK has produced some of the world’s all-time greatest pop stars and wildest rockers. So it came as some surprise to see manufactured muppets the Spice Girls honoured for their ‘performance skills’ at the Brits (rhyming slang), and tired old panto turn Liam Gallagher wheeled out as token ‘rebel’. Still, it was Pancake Day. When better to find a tosser?

Cheryl Cole was the biggest let-down. Was she taught to mime by the people who dub kung fu films? We know singing live is too much for you, pet, but how hard would it be to sign up for lip-synching classes? Chezza missed a golden opportunity to dump her cheating bum of a husband live on air. Although she did appear to be wearing his flasher’s mac. Kasabian played their song ‘Fire’ on a stage of flames. If they’d performed ‘Cunny Grope Lane’ they could have had Ashley Cole and John Terry on backing vocals. If only Jonathan Ross’s dresser had heeded their advice and steered clear of the brown acid... What made JR think it’d be funny to come on dressed like a gangsta version of a PG chimp? Wossy (rap name: Dozee Pwat) flopped so badly he must have wished he’d worn Lady Gaga’s mask instead. I’m amazed he hasn’t claimed that Mossad stole his identity.

Gaga had the best costume, of course. If there was ever a porno version of Great Expectations, she’d be a shoe-in for Miss Havisham. (Miss Havin’-some?). She makes Bjork seem frumpy and brightened up a ceremony that was flatter than Lilly Allen’s unnaturally squashed boobs.

The Brits is a tough gig for a comic, and Peter Kay (rap name 6-Pac) didn’t try too hard. He had a nice line he’d nicked from Billy Connolly. But describing Kasabian as “Leicester’s answer to Aswad” made no sense. Peter got the best response for calling Liam Gallagher a “knob-head”. True, but hardly Oscar Wilde... Besides, if Liam is a knob what are Geri Halliwell, Fearne Cotton and honking Florence? The opening scene from Macbeth? (That Flo is a big girl. Any taller and she’d be an avatar.) With retro gongs for Robbie, Oasis and the Spice Girls, the night felt like I Love The 90s. But yesterday’s stars and 70s references won’t make The Brits watchable. What the show needs is 1980s TV anarchy. And proper rockers.

*BRITS irritations: Geri Halliwell having two shots at her acceptance speech. Geri’s constant use of the phrase “I have to say” – no love, you really don’t. And Robbie getting awarded for his “outstanding contribution” to pop when he hasn’t contributed anything worth a light since he split up with Guy Chambers.

*PETER Kay’s best line: “If you’ve just turned over from Ice Road Truckers, why?”

*BRITS fact: Gaga’s wig had a higher IQ than Liam.

*ASHLEY Cole texted a model a picture of him in his pants. I’d like to see Keith Chegwin do that, and hear the startled girl’s reaction: “Who is this woman?”

*THE Winter Olympics and Clare Balding is on hand to pose the big questions. Like “Is it difficult out there?” What? The Luge, at Olympic level? No love, it’s a piece of piss. Unasked questions include: who designed these costumes, Lady Gaga?

And is curling really an Olympic event? It’s half-sport, half housework. The only reason women like it is they get to see a bloke sweeping up.

*THE biathlon sounds like Caligua’s life-style but it actually involves cross-country skiing and shooting. I believe it was invented on the practice slopes of Peckham.

HOT on TV: 24 (Sky1) – hits like Kevin Mitchell’s right hook...The Mentalist (Five)... Road Warriors (ITV)... Life’s Sarah Shahi (FX)... CSI Trilogy (Five)... and new King Of The Hill (E4).

ROT on TV: Pamela Connolly (Shrink Rap) – makes Des O’Connor look like Torquemada... Material Girl - I’d rather watch a fridge defrost... Dancing On Wheels...and the Piers & Gordon love-in – as stage-managed as a party political broadcast, but marginally less honest.

*GERMAINE Greer told BBC4 about Skippy, a dumb but endearing grey creature making unintelligible noises... and Skippy wasn’t much better.

*OF course pregnant Denise Van Outen should be allowed on TV. But only if she promises to breastfeed on The One Show...

*NO matter how cheery he tries to seem, Gordon Brown still comes over like a hung-over butler in a Hammer horror film.

*STARS kept in a bubble, shut off from the real world... how exactly does that differ from their normal hermetically-sealed celebrity existence?

SMALL Joys of TV: Lillian’s brothel voucher (Shameless): ‘I promise to lay the bearer’. Louie (Pineapple Dance Studios) – so camp he makes Dale Winton look like Grant Mitchell. Shirley Carter in that hat, looking like Jacko’s ghost.

SEPARATED at birth – Matt Preston (Masterchef Australia) and Mr Toad from Wind In The Willows. One a fat, pompous buffoon, the other a cartoon toad.

Feb 14. THERE was a man over-board on Corrie - Peter Barlow drowning in a lake of cheap plonk. He's like the Toyota of drunks, he just can't stop himself. If he was showering daily in absinthe, Peter would still insist, "I can cope! Now just top up my meths with some anti-freeze, there's a love." The only shame is that Blanche isn't there to provide a snide commentary: "He were that plastered he thought he had a 3D telly" and "What's wrong Peter, has someone taken the cork out of your dinner?" Elsewhere, Gail lost her little man in a boat. Insert your own filth here. Joe McIntyre fell into a freezing lake and drowned while attempting to fake his own death. Goodbye sailor. And good riddance...