Feb 23. James Corden kicked off the Brits with his sleeve on
fire – the hottest thing he’s had on his arm since he married
Julia. Only The Jam had better ‘blazers’. Sadly his hosting
didn’t set the O2 alight. Stopping Prince for a selfie would
have been a lot funnier the day after Obama and Cameron’s one,
two months ago. Bereft of jokes, Corden resorted to snogging
Nick Grimshaw, cracking weak drug gags, and pestering One Direction
with prison rape remarks.
Alex Turner from the otherwise admirable Arctic Monkeys nearly
out-naffed him though with his rambling acceptance speech. “Invoice
me for the microphone,” he slurred before feebly dropping it
and shambling off. Okay it was his third gong and he’d had a
few but it wasn’t exactly Pete Townshend smashing his Gibson
There were memorable moments, not least three of Ellie Goulding’s
drummers taking a tumble mid-song. Lorde looked like Darlene
from Roseanne styled by Rebekah Brooks. And almost everyone
was upstaged by Pharrell Williams’s Mountie hat.
An under-par Jimmy Carr quipped that it was “the biggest night
of the year for London’s drug-dealers” – not so much a joke
as a statement of fact. No wonder Katy Perry went Egyptian on
us. These record company boys put the toot in Tutankhamen.
Pharrell and Nile Rodgers whipped up real atmosphere with
their show-closing medley of ‘Get Lucky’, ‘Good Times’ and ‘Happy’.
Beyonce was on form too. Other live highs included Bastille
and Rudimental mashing it up as “Bastimental”, with Ella Eyre
nearly bursting out of the cat-suit she was almost wearing.
Better luck next time.
One Direction won Best Video with the vid Corden co-wrote.
Jimmy Carr asked the audience to “give it up” for James. After
his desperate table chats, I’d rather he’d just give up. David
Bowie’s “Stay with us” message to Scotland was a surreal high
that went down with Alex Salmond like a poll tax arrears demand.
Bowie won Best Male Artist but didn’t attend the ceremony (he
doesn’t fly). “You maniacs didn’t think he was actually here,”
said Noel Gallagher. “He doesn’t do this sh*t.”
*CORRIE’S Tina should borrow Pharrell’s Mountie hat. She always
gets her man.
KELVIN MacKenzie says we need more immigration to make Britain
“more like New York”. Is that the same New York where 1.4million
people rely on soup kitchens and food banks? Gee, thanks Kelv.
Of course it’s easy to be relaxed about immigration when you
live in leafy Surrey, and perhaps tougher when your kid goes
to a school where thirty-odd languages are spoken... It’s a
potentially poisonous area, so well done The Big British Immigration
Row for using such calm and rational souls as Amjen Choudary
(on film), Katie Hopkins and Lee Jasper... Who next? On Skype,
from his cell, Anders Breivik, and via Ouija board Osama Bin
Laden? Natch, the audience was too busy shouting to properly
discuss the strain mass immigration puts on schools and hospitals.
Or the tragedy of our own people whose wages are undercut by
cheap imported labour - “thickoes”, sniped Kelvin; he’s all
heart. No-one mentioned New Labour’s deliberate reckless open
door policy. No-one asked why the unions don’t demand quotas.
They’ve clearly swallowed the big lie that limiting immigration
is somehow ‘racist’. Yet other countries manage it successfully.
Shared values, a work ethic and a commitment to integration
*THESE Big Rows have a lively turn-over of panelists, but
wouldn’t ejector seats and gunge tanks add to the fun?
WERE those people outside Prince’s show booing Stephen Fry
because he’d jumped the queue or cos they’d seen him host the
Baftas? The bloke is so far up his own arse he could give himself
a colonoscopy. Fry had one half-decent gag in his entire opening
monologue. The rest was dire: a tidal wave of luvvie gush, delivered
by an overpaid windbag oozing oil, smarm and self-adoration.
Truly, he is the king of cringe, drooling over leading men and
blowing smoke up every available backside. Fry’s arch, witless
jabbering made a dull night worse. It didn’t help that this
year’s movie contenders are pretty ropy. Or that the sloppy
producers left James Gandolfini, Richard Griffiths, Mel Smith
and Roger Lloyd Pack out of the memorial roll-call. Great films
excite, amuse, thrill and inspire – everything Bafta can’t do.
HOT on TV: True Detective (Sky Atlantic)... Laura Mvula...
Line Of Duty...Modern Family (Sky1)... Nurse Jackie.
ROT on TV: Jonathan Meades – pretentious pillock... Stephen
Fry – big-head, brown nose, bad value... Doll & Em – dull and
empty... Blandings – putting the woe in Wodehouse.
YOU’RE a widow, you’ve got a few bob but you’re getting on
and you’ve piled on the pounds. Suddenly on a beach in The Gambia
a young, dirt-poor hunk starts chatting you up... Uh-oh! Holiday
Love Rats Exposed told the stories of four Surly Valentines
who’d been had, and had over, by charming conmen. Alarm bells
weren’t triggered even when their fella went missing for days
on end or borrowed £15K to “buy a taxi”. Women of Britain, the
message is clear: you’re much safer at Butlin’s.
*PEOPLE keep making cheap childish jokes about Andreas Wank.
Tsk. It’s like they haven’t noticed Jayson Terdiman, Semen Pavlichenko,
Luca Cunti, Jenni Asserholt and Serainer Boner. Enjoy A. Wank
if you must, but don’t forget other Olympian contenders.
*DEFENDING ugly architecture, Jonathan Meades said “nightmares
are more captivating than dreams.” Maybe so, but who wants to
live in a nightmare? Oi Meades, put your theory to the test
- move to Kiev.
*CLASSIC subtitle cock-up. When Andy Murray had a set-back
at Wimbledon, we were told he “Mr Koppel Balls.”
*IN Vegas Ross Kemp entered a world of violence, sleaze, and
deceit. But enough about his first marriage...
*E20 update: Ian Beale has turned into Wolfie Smith, Lily
Branning looks strangely Mediterranean and Aunt Babe (the Slitheen)
is a pot peddler. We might – might - just buy all of that...
but Stacey walking out on Matt Willis? Yeah right.
*ENJOYED fire brigade drama The Smoke but it would’ve been
much more realistic if Boris Johnson had turned up at the end
and closed down the station.
Small Joys of TV: Moone Boy. Harry Enfield (Blandings). Vic
& Bob’s mouth organ/vacuum cleaner scene. Straight-talking Pimlico
plumber, Charlie Mullins.
Random Irritations: The Musketeers – so-what characters, piss-poor
plots and a severe shortage of heaving bosoms. Jonathan Ross’s
show having six writers and no laughs. Top Gear running out
*SUPERSTAR Dogs? Bah! Where’s Kimberly Lee?
SEPARATED at birth: DLT and Great Uncle Bulgaria – one associated
with novelty pop songs and wombling free, and so is the other
* ERIC Pickles, talking about the floods, said: “We need to
get people back into their houses and do some serious pumping.”
A motto Harry Styles lives his life by.
Feb 16. Most of the people on First Dates look more like cell-mates
than soul-mates. Old-balls, show-offs, creeps... it’s Cupid
in the community. Writer Christine hadn’t had a fella for months,
although in fairness her offers probably pick up around Halloween.
First dates are awkward enough without cameras. When they’re
mismatched as hers was with poor stammering Paul they’re excruciating.
But even when couples click on this show it can make you squirm.
Hot cop Angie, 45, fell for buff ex-squaddie Chris, 27 – the
sort of bloke who’d get through Take Me Out without a single
light going off. He wondered if she was a cougar. If she was,
that would make him her “prey,” she observed hungrily. Somewhere
in the distance you could hear Caroline Flack cheering. After
a few sherberts, Angie was making playground shagging gestures
– the kiss of death if a bloke had done it, but Chris didn’t
seem to mind. In fact I’ve got a feeling her handcuffs came
Tattooed Regan from Manchester was a stunner, like a young
Scary Spice without the class (cough). Regan was loud, sexy
and full of herself, with a hint of vulnerability under the
bluster. She towered over Hobbit-sized bank manager Ross like
Mel B in that online bingo advert. She also lapped up his feeble
gags, which suggests there’s hope for us all.
At the bar Regan unsettled him by ordering a Porn Star Martini.
Would that be a Rum Jeremy? Or a Gin & Jamesons? Either way
he seemed to be paying (how cheap are Channel 4, they invite
a load of attention-seekers on their dating show and don’t even
treat them to a free meal). Outside Ross tried to put his arm
around her. She was having none of it. You got the feeling that
if this relationship took off, Regan would be the one bending
him over a desk, possibly while wearing a strap-on. At least
she didn’t bring her dog along. What was Chloe thinking? The
way date Mo looked at it, she was lucky that pooch wasn’t the
*ONE unnamed blonde reckoned she’d “take ‘funny’ over ‘looks’
any day.” Of course she would. What woman wouldn’t clamber over
David Beckham to grab hold of Ken Dodd’s tickling stick?
MOST of the people with bad things to say about Jim Davidson
have said them... to the papers... for money... which serves
him right for marrying them. But Endemol needed someone to rain
on Jim’s parade and as Linda Nolan wasn’t available they dug
up Nina Myskow instead. (Remember her? Briefly notorious for
crushing dreams on New Faces in the 1970s...) Naturally there
was more chance of catching Liz Jones playing Neknominate in
her smalls than of sour-faced Nasty Nina giving him a break.
Nina used Jim Davidson: At Least I’m Not Boring to trot out
all the tedious old this-ism, that-ism name-calling. One question
would have knocked Miss Cow off of her high horse though: when
did you last see Jim live, cos he dropped the Chalkie character
donkey’s years ago. Davidson’s style became more conversational
in the 90s. It suited his natural gift for story-telling and
mimicry. But his critics never forgave him for being a working
class Tory, and the producers allowed that PC disapproval to
set the tone of the show. A shame because there’s much more
to Jim’s story, and his talent, than the resulting programme
suggested. It skipped over his decades of dedicated work for
British forces, ignored his rock links and lucrative adult pantos,
and swerved any consideration of how his comedy developed and
grew. When he started, as a whippet-thin speed-freak ex-drummer,
Jim drew on the same pool of gags as older Cockney comedians
– Jimmy Jones, Mike Reid and Pete Demmer. On TV, his naughty
boy charm helped him connect with millions. The “Nick, nick”
stuff worked on screen, while live he took smut to gynaecological
levels. As he got older, Jim moved on from filth into PC-baiting
mischief, drawing on his skills as a storyteller and natural
mimic. Yet no matter how well he hosted the Gen Game, Davidson
was never a good fit at the Beeb. Inevitably he joined a long
list of comics axed by TV execs while loved by millions. I’m
not pretending he’s perfect – who is? But the real Jim is funny,
loyal and generous. There was always more to him than the crusty
old reactionary imagined by media trendies. Celeb Big Brother
allowed us to see the man behind the myth. And the crowds at
the gigs that followed his win showed his cross-generational
appeal. An Audience With Jim Davidson would be a ratings smash.
DO you ever look at TV subtitles just for the cock-ups? I
do. I once saw Prince William’s wife described as the “badger
of Cambridge” rather than the Duchess. Last weekend, Arsenal’s
kit-man was called their “hit-man” - they certainly needed one
to take out Skrtel and Sterling. Female rowers, coming third
at the Olympics, were urged “Don’t give up on that sex offender”
(the commentator had actually said “silver medal”.) While Dancing
On Ice once assured us that lightweight celebs would be “toasted
to their limits” – preferably over an open fire.
HOT on TV: Inside No 9... Line Of Duty... Walking Dead (Fox)...
Suspects (C5)... Lara Pulver on Fleming (Sky Atlantic).
ROT on TV: Alan Davies’s Après-Ski - comedy’s winter blunder-land...
Sexy Beasts... Babylon – over-hyped and under-cooked... Nina
Myskow – yesterday’s zero.
CHANNEL 4 thinks we can learn something from the Scandinavian
model, and if they meant Ida Segerhagen I’d agree. Instead we
got Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall telling us the Danes are the
happiest people on the planet – despite their sky-high taxes,
massive debts and soaring cancer rates. On Scandimania, he raved
about their pastries, eateries and ugly wind turbines, but didn’t
even sample their stout, let alone the akvavit. He’s no Keith
*THE BBC will stop making panel shows without women. Here’s
a better idea: why not stop making ‘comedy’ shows that aren’t
remotely funny? Their sitcom department has fewer hits than
Dean Gaffney’s imdb page.
*CHERYL Cole worries that rejoining The X Factor will turn
her life “into a circus.” Why? She married a clown... Simon
Cowell has the trousers. And she’s inspired many teenage boys
to enjoy the Cirque du Solo. No ringmaster gags by request.
*I HEAR Katie Hopkins is launching a range of footwear inspired
by Benefits Street residents: cheap, lazy loafers. They come
in all colours.
*ALFIE claimed to be wearing an “invisibility cloak” on EastEnders.
Did he borrow it from Big Mo? We hardly ever see her. Mo’s skin
must be made from the same material as stealth bombers. What
was the “really bad” something Alfie did in Australia though?
Buy a new shirt? Audition for Neighbours? If it was just getting
his leg over, he’s got a long way to go before he catches up
*DAVID Cameron wants a “new pumping strategy” but Peter Barlow
seems perfectly happy with his old one... Lucky Tina, allegedly.
Small Joys of TV: Neil Sedaka: King of Songs. Troy. The Life
of Rock with Brian Pern (especially the Judge Dread clips).
Danny Baker’s Rockin’ Decades. The Japanese equivalent of Chris
Tarrant barking “Final answah?” at contestants like a crazed
POW commandant, but best ask Nina Myskow if we’re allowed to
find it funny.
Random Irritations: Politicians using the floods as photo-opportunities.
Danny Baker outrageously omitting Slade from his 1970s show.
Clare Balding’s wild talk of “legends of the luge” – there ain’t
*THINGS I’d like to see: Death In Paradise welcoming new London
cop John Luther – in his overcoat. He’d waste no time shagging
Camille bandy. Trinny vs Nigella, preferably in a tank of mud...And
new TV debate show: The Big Flood Row – Live, ending with Chris
Smith falling on his sword... and not metaphorically either.
TV Maths: Paul McCartney + Derek Nimmo = Mark Ellen. (Spotted
by Danny Baker).
Feb 9. IF Jeremy Kyle ran Question Time, the result would
be a lot like The Big Benefits Row: Live. This was political
debate fuelled by insults, resentment and tribal hatred – a
proper shouting match. At one stage, some women who looked like
a hit squad from Haringey Council broke into a chant. It’s a
wonder punches weren’t thrown.
Unsurprisingly, Katie Hopkins was at the centre of Channel
5’s boisterous bear-pit. Looking like a wicked fairytale queen
who’d just received unflattering news from her talking mirror,
Hopkins claimed to represent hard-working Brits driven to despair
by Benefits Street scroungers. The one-time Apprentice loser
let rip at “people who take-take-take” and “have child after
child and expect us to pay for it.” She berated “left-wing loons”,
branded Annabel Giles “a failed model” and told an unemployed
graduate to “clean toilets.” Ten more minutes and she’d have
been demanding that the poor be forcibly sterilized, and that
better-looking claimants should go on the game. (SB could be
sitting on a fortune.)
Hatchet-faced Edwina Currie followed with a mix of abuse and
contempt, provoking one chunky Doris from On Benefits & Proud
to shout “Give me a job then, innit!” In this chaos, Red Ken
of all people sounded like the voice of sanity. Manufacturing
jobs have been wiped out, he said, and we need to create decent
employment for working class men. It was a point so reasonable,
we never saw him on screen again.
Shows like Benefits Street give human faces to statistics.
It’s not Cathy Come Home – more Cathy Went Home, put her feet
up, knocked out kids and smoked skunk while you mugs footed
the bill. It doesn’t tell the whole story though. Most of us
know people who abuse the welfare system, but not everyone on
benefits is pulling a fast one. And the feckless tealeaves and
addicts of James Turner Street aren’t the only social evil in
town. The guys at RBS who trousered mega-bonuses after mucking
up, the mammoth multinational corporations who swerve tax...
aren’t they on the “take-take-take” too, Kate? We’ll never see
Parasite Street on our screens.
EDNA and Simon were the stars of She’s 78, He’s 39: Age-Gap
Love. It was almost necrophilia with consent. Organist Simon
had reduced Edna to “trembling jelly” with his deft finger work,
so she’d dragged him under a pier for a snog. Rumours that she’d
then given him a love-bite and left her false teeth in his neck
cannot be confirmed or denied. I’m glad they’re happy, of course,
but gladder that she kept her clothes on. It could have put
you off dried fruit for life. Joan, 69, was more like Bus-Pass
Barbie. Ask most old biddies “are those real?” and you’d be
talking about their dentures. Joan had a massive boob-job, worked
out to look younger, and enjoyed a lively sex-life with toy-boy
Phil. 29. Mercifully no-one asked if KY Jelly sufficed or whether
they’d had to move on to Poligrip. Publican Mike, 74, had a
new-born baby with wife Lyndsey, 33. Brave bloke – by the time
that kid is out of nappies, he might be in them.
*LET’S hope the soaps don’t follow this – we don’t want Emily
Bishop getting it on with Kirk, Rita rolling in the hay with
Tyrone... or Norris Cole tempting Tina with a fistful of Wethers
Original flavoured condoms. A prospect that’s only slightly
dafter than her and Peter Barlow (the true champion of The Jump.)
MASOOD Ahmed on EastEnders has undergone the biggest transformation
since Henry Jekyll got a taste for potions. Once a strict Muslim,
the former postman-teacher-restaurateur is now a violent, drunken,
thieving scumbag... like most Walford blokes. Down and out on
Thursday he looked only days away from a syringe full of smack
- you can’t spell Masood without OD. Things seemed so bad you
half-expected to see Prince Charles come sailing up Walford
canal. And all because Carol chucked him for David - for most
fellas, reason to celebrate... Poor Carol. Fighting cancer is
one thing, but the real big C is the bloke she’s marrying.
*UA famously invited customers to “fly the friendly skies,”
randy airhostess Nikki Spraggan offered David a ride on her
friendly thighs instead. Talk about welcome aboard! Not sure
what airline Nik works for, but I’m guessing it’s Really easyJet.
*GOOD to see Stacey again. She looked happy, but don’t worry,
get her back to Albert Square and they’ll soon wipe that smile
off her boat-race.
HOT on TV: Salamander (BBC4)... Ross Kemp: Extreme World (Sky1)...
Nashville (More4)... NCIS (C5)... Royal Cousins At War.
ROT on TV: Dan Snow – there are snowmen with more charisma...
Extreme Beauty Queens... Mr Selfridge’s Poundland script...
Dancing On Ice – make it melt.
JAY Leno said goodbye to The Tonight Show in the States for
the second time on Friday. On both occasions he was canned by
NBC despite great ratings – Jay was getting just shy of five
million viewers a night in the last week of January. But he
is 63 and TV execs can’t cope with that. Their god is demographics,
and it’s a phony one. Jay got bumped in favour of Conan O’Brien
in 2009, but Conan’s ratings dived and they brought Leno back.
Now they’re replacing him with Jimmy Fallon who is younger but
nowhere near as funny. He’ll be lucky to see the year out. TV’s
obsession with age is driven by cynical ad executives who are
desperate to hook the next generation. They forget that older
working people whose kids have left home and who have paid off
their mortgage have more cash to splash than a couple in their
twenties, and they are wrong to think young people only laugh
at other young people. Funny is funny, age is immaterial.
THE first series of The Following gripped like the Boston Strangler,
but bringing killer cult leader Joe Carroll back from the grave
just feels lazy. The new series is a barking blood-fest. Creepy
twins play happy families with a couple they’d murdered; gangs
slaughter innocents on the subway while chanting “Resurrect!”
like the Hayley Cropper fan club on a rampage. It’s nuts. Hero
Ryan is trying hard to be a professor again but his new squeeze
turned out to be the twins’ equally twisted Mum. More mayhem
will come, but credibility is down the gurgler.
BIG Ballet? Come on C4 if you’re going to make a show about
plus-size ballerinas at least call it the Dance of the Sugar
Plump Fairies. Or Buttcrackers - Sweet! Lack of interest means
I can’t tell you whether they wear tutus or ten-tens, or whether
the show is likely to unveil the next big D’Arsey Bussell.
*MORE big ballets: Swan Cake, The Sleeping Blobby, Romeo &
*MARRIED Sally Bercow was pictured snogging a clubber. She’d
done absolutely nothing wrong, according to her legal adviser
TV Maths: Lauren Harris + Nigel Farage = Matthew Dennison.
Small Joys of TV: comic songs on This Is Jinsy, especially
Rob Brydon’s female badger ditty. Historian Karina Urbach. AHS:
Coven finale. BBC4’s Everly Brothers night. Rachel Riley telling
Chris Tarrant “Thirty seconds is my thing” – it’d work for me,
Random Irritations: Hugh Fearnley-Whatever using Scandimania
as an excuse to sing badly and flash his arse. Millionaire petering
out with lackluster celebrities. Hostages – all that free time
and not one of the idiots has the sense to call the Feds.
SEPARATED at birth: Matthew McConaughey and Dean Gaffney –
one was in Dazed & Confused, the other just is...
ROSS Kemp’s Northern Ireland report was surprisingly balanced.
The standard BBC/TV line for the last 30 years has pretty much
been to say: look at these crazy Prods forever oppressing Nationalists
with their parades and drums and flute bands, why can’t they
just shut the hell up (and roll over and cede Ulster to the
South)? But even those uninterested in Irish politics might
have watched this show and thought: well, okay, one side have
parades, but extremists on the other side are still shooting
unarmed cops and prison warders... so who are the real bad guys
in this situation? They might even have thought: why have these
people who object to the marches bought houses on the route?
It’s not like they’re something new. Why don’t they just close
their windows for the time it takes the parade to pass? It’s
not like Notting Hill Carnival, they go on for minutes not days...
And why must the Union flag – the flag of our country - be removed
from public buildings to appease those who would rather live
in another country? There is good and bad and much wickedness
on both sides, and grievances that go back hundreds of years,
but even so, it’s increasingly apparent that the ‘Peace Process’
was a myth that masked the cold reality of Britain surrendering
to the IRA and hanging the Prods out to dry.
Feb 2. How are Celebrity Big Brother ever going to top that?
Brilliantly cast, the latest series was packed with lust, rows,
tears, betrayal and laugh-out-loud moments. Where else could
you have found Lionel Blair in fetish gear shouting “Suck my
d*ck”, before telling Big Brother “go f**k yourself”? It had
the perfect winner too. Jim Davidson triumphed despite being
“nominated more times than Gone With The Wind.”
“Bye-bye house” he said on leaving; and with his divorce record
not for the first time.
This format shows people as they really are; which means the
next fella to date Linda Nolan deserves a VC. Jim was grumpy,
caring, open, often surprising and always funny. Dear old Lionel
turned out to be two-faced and quick-tempered, while soppy Lee
Ryan proved as trustworthy as a Peter Barlow marriage vow, flitting
from Casey to Jasmine and back again. “I wear my heart on my
sleeve,” he told Jimbo who quipped back “Thank god you’ve got
Hardened male chauvinists felt Lee let the side down though
- he pulled two women and failed to bang either of them.
Last week’s grandfather clock task, where housemates freeze
like statues as loved ones invaded the house, was inspired.
Jasmine stormed back and laid into Lee, Casey’s mum told her
“Keep away from Lee, he’s mugged you off” before thanking Jim
for looking after her daughter.
It was a rich, inventive, addictive run, littered with moments
that stood out like Casey’s chest: Liz Jones’s misery monologue,
“puppy treats”, Dappy’s IQ row with Luisa, “Frank Carson’s dressing
room... ” And Jim’s “roll on death”, delivered at the height
of Linda’s tireless campaign against him. The atmosphere changed
as soon as she went, taking her small black cloud with her.
Even Luisa sussed that Linda not Jim was the real grief generator;
Luisa’s mum kissed his cheek to confirm it. Jim’s unexpected
father-son relationship with dizzy Dappy was just one touching
aspect of a show packed with unexpected highs.
*MY CBB casting tips: Buster Bloodvessel, Dynamo, evil Katie
Hopkins, Eddie Large, Liza Tarbuck, Kelly Brook, Rodney Hylton-Potts,
Jamelia, Brandi Glanville, Max Splodge, Bobby Ball, Denise Van
*LUSTY Luisa left for The Jump as soon as the show ended.
I’m sorry, my mistake, she left for a jump.
ITV threw me and Linda Lusardi out of a plane once, but The
Jump makes Drop The Celebrity look like a day at the beach.
C4’s snow-down showdown ups the fear factor like a home visit
from Freddie Krueger. For starters it could be twinned with
Casualty. The Giant Slalom left Melinda Messenger concussed.
Camp posh boy Henry Conway (no idea) broke a bone in his wrist.
Darren Gough suffered two eye-wateringly painful skiing falls...
No wonder Amy Childs piste off. Fashionable faces have no place
here. The Jump is for people who are determined and sporty.
Or those desperate for TV at any cost cos their careers have
gone downhill faster than Rusty Lee on a Cresta Run (hello Anthea!).
It’d be more watchable at twice the pace. But the prospect of
Donal MacIntyre breaking his neck made it must-see for football
*THE biggest let-down was the elimination jump. K15, which
they had the sense to close, was barely bigger than a playground
slide. Doctor Who’s K9 looks scarier. Nicky Clarke took part
to “change people’s opinion of the hairdressing world.” He failed.
Clarke managed a meagre 9.5metres and was first out.
HOT on TV: Hannah Waddingham (Benidorm)... Kacey Musgraves
(Grammys)... SB (Benefits Street)... Uncle... Jim Davidson...
best ever Celebrity Big Brother.
ROT on TV: Davina McCall – brings feck-all to The Jump...
Ghost Adventure – hauntingly bad... Dragons’ Den – dragging
on... Question Time – wetter than Somerset.
BRITAIN’S Great War started well enough, but it isn’t a patch
on The Great War, the moving and painstaking 1960s BBC series
narrated by Sir Michael Redgrave. That had vivid memories of
veterans, extracts from diaries, a wealth of photographs and
uncensored footage. It was epic television, edited superbly.
Paxo can’t beat it, so why not repeat it?
*IT’S definitely getting colder. On Winterwatch I saw a weasel
wearing a stoat.
*ISN’T it odd how many people on Room 101 should be in Room
*SHOWS I’d like to see: The Jump with jet-packs, Dancing On
Ice with paraffin heaters, Coach Trip On Ice, Splash! On Acid
– “terrified Arg flees pool to avoid mermaid riding a shark...
*MICK Carter is supposed to be shrewd yet he bought the Queen
Vic on EastEnders for £200K without getting a surveyor in, and
gave Shirley a one-third share for £10K. With that kind of business
brain he’d be a natural for The Apprentice.
HOW many Carters is Albert Square getting? Ten? Eleven? They’re
breeding faster than Hugh Grant.
TO Dragons’ Den where a Bulgarian inventor wanted £1million
for a device that runs your bath as hot and deep as you want
it. I’ve got something that does that a lot cheaper – taps.
*I LIKED those pop-and-go knickers; perfect for Sienna Miller.
*WOULD the dragons go for my CBB-themed inventions? There’s
the Virtual Sam – a Sam Faiers mannequin that does as much as
the real thing (absolutely sod all). The Linda Nolan Miracle
Wooden Spoon – it stirs constantly. And Dappy’s Pop-Up Book
of Co... (Cut! – Ed)
THE Grammys make the Brits look lame. LL Cool J hosted with
warmth and charm, Pink appeared to auditioning for Cirque Du
Soleil, Metallica played, Steve Tyler came on with Smokey Robinson...
Oh and 33 assorted couples got married which at least saved
them the trouble of hiring someone to shoot a wedding video.
All a tad classier than James Corden sniffing Justin Bieber.
HOW modern marriage works: wed at the Grammys, separate at
the Oscars, divorce by the Comedy Awards...
Small Joys of TV: Jeremy Paxman’s bow-legs exposed on Britain’s
Great War. Dick Emery clips. Hell On Wheels (ITV4). Outnumbered.
Blue reminding Lee ‘Two Birds’ Ryan that the song says ‘One
Random Irritations: Tedious tension-building on live shows
(all channels) – pregnant pauses are one thing, these are long
enough to call the midwife and deliver the baby. Davina’s fake
laugh. The ‘hate Davidson’ twitter brigade – far more prejudiced
than Jim’s ever been.
SEPARATED at birth: D’Artagnan (The Musketeers) and Ollie
from Made In Chelsea. One a dashing swordsman willing to stab
out in any direction... the other a moody Frenchman.
JIM Davidson winning CBB, Mrs. Brown triumphant, jungle king
Joe Pasquale a smash in Spamalot, Bradley Walsh great in everything
he does... Maybe TV execs should stop telling us who we should
laugh at and give more shows to down-to-earth performers people
*2014 is the 60th anniversary of Ken Dodd’s first gig. Worth
a documentary, surely?