It started with the twins and Nicola dancing to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Dipso Denise joined in, flashed her bra at the cameras, and pulled down Karissa’s pyjamas briefly exposing what John McCrirrick would no doubt describe as her perfect posterior gift-wrapped in panties. Chaos ensued.

Karissa, being a trainee nun, was horrified. She threatened to sue if her “ass” was shown on TV, and wanted to leave. Nicola, who was half-cut, became hysterical, shouted “I don’t give a f***” loudly, and wanted to leave. The only one who didn’t want to leave was Denise who insisted she was “a fun person” and proceeded to disprove it by banging on like a prog rock drummer. Again.

Initially it was easy to sympathise with Karissa whose inalienable right not to have her knickers exposed in public by a virtual stranger had clearly been breached. Besides, Dipso gets right on my wick. And yet, there was something coldly calculated about the twins’ response; they seized on Denise’s drunken mistake and blew it up out of all proportion in a transparent bid to make themselves seem interesting. Karissa even complained that Frankie Cocozza “obviously wants to bang us”. Well, duh, why do you think you were booked, love? Not for the scintillating conversation. You’re a Playboy model who made a sex tape. Get over yourself!

This has been the best CBB since Gorgeous George Galloway. Monday’s fake Japanese game show, Superchat was superb, almost as funny as Gusset-Gate and the result was hard to call. But at the death Denise beat Manky Frankie and her future in pro-celebrity crap TV is assured. She will end up richer than Harry Rednapp’s dog... if not quite as house-trained....

*KARISSA threatened: “If you showed my ass I’ll sue.” They didn’t show her arse. Who can WE sue?

WELCOME to the Walford edition of You’ve Been Framed, where Phil Mitchell has been banged up on evidence flimsier than Mandy’s thong. Plod nicked Phil for murdering Cruella Stella – even though the CCTV footage clearly shows she jumped off a roof. Ben told DCI Iron-Drawers “Dad made her jump” and that was enough. But how, Ben? Hypnosis? Mind control? No court in the land would take this seriously. The kid has gone from bed-wetting, show-tune loving wimp to hardened young offender to police informer. From Billy Elliott to Whispering Grass... Bizarrely Ben confessed to Phil that he’d snitched in front of Jay and Shirley The Terrahawk, and yet on Monday they’d forgotten it. Ridiculous, yes. But it’s still slightly more gripping than Tamwar’s Ludo rage. EastEnders hasn’t required us to suspend disbelief to this degree since they kidded us that only six blokes were required to carry Fat Pat’s coffin.

*CHARLIE Slater’s had a stroke. Blimey. The size of his gut I’m surprised he can reach it.

*A MALE double will play Heather Trott in her death scenes; nice to see Eamonn Holmes getting the work.

TONY Gubba makes Dancing On Ice seem poetic, not to mention almost watchable. Last weekend he claimed to spot a “flying nun lift”, a “table top”, “a faulty platter” and a “dismount into a double stag” which sounds like something a Premiership footballer might film on his i-phone. Tonight, who knows? Maybe a “Smoked Bacon & Cheddar Double Angus.” His commentary is a bottomless pit of absurd wonder. Gubba is the Dali of ice dancing. He’s like Noel Fielding, but funny.

*IT’S hard to say where ITV’s semi-celebrity skaters are most likely to slip - on the ice or in the spray zone around Louis Walsh. The guy produces more saliva than a 1977 Damned gig. There are signers for the deaf who talk less with their hands than Louis.

*MILD controversy as scary Katarina appeared to tell Chemmy Alcott she was too “big” for lifts. “It was 50/50 whether I was going to get it up,” admitted Chemmy. And with those legs, that’s surprising. As was Louis advising Heidi to “just let him take you.” Saucy!

HOT on TV: Sons Of Anarchy (5 USA)... Bradley Walsh, Law & Order UK... Suits (Dave)... Coppers.

ROT on TV: Tuesday night telly – all food and fatsos... Wild At Heart – safari, no good... Dancing On Ice – could only be improved by adding industrial heaters. And piranhas.

TAKE Me Out was nominated for a National TV Award. They didn’t even give it its full title: Take Me Out & Duff Me Up. This show has had wife-beaters, stalkers, a child porn creep... who’s booking the contestants, Jeremy Kyle?

* THE Awards opened with Brucie singing. And if you thought it couldn’t get worse, guess again. The show was mostly ITV eating itself with gongs for Jonathan Ross, Gary Barlow and David Walliams. Biggest travesty? This Morning winning Best Factual programme.

*ITV are said to be “furious” because David Walliams made “smutty remarks” on BGT. That’s like hiring the Human Torch and moaning when he gets hot. Smut is what he does.

*BBC1’s Birdsong was slower than Del-Boy’s three-wheeler going uphill in a storm. Away from the trenches, Wraysford spent most of the first 45 minutes hanging around looking gormless. Even the rumpo was ruined by the moles on Isabelle’s stomach. They looked like her price list in Braille.

*JONATHAN Ross’s guests were Miss Piggy, Kermit, Hugh Bonneville and Jack Whitehall. So two Muppets... and Miss Piggy and Kermit.

SMALL joys of TV: Pro-celebrity name-dropping (CBB). Michael Madsen describing the poetry task as “a band-aid on a bleedin’ junkie love vein.” Michael Madsen singing ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’. Seinfeld re-runs. Mrs. Brown ad-libs. Mud Men. The exposed Marine in the Radio Times – just as well he wasn’t standing to attention.

RANDOM irritations: Katie Hopkins on BBC Breakfast. The Oscars snubbing Drive. Corey Feldman’s face. Corey Feldman’s hair. Corey Feldman. Confessions Of A Nurse – no sign of Robin Askwith.

SEPARATED at birth: Karl Pilkington and Iain Duncan Smith... one a clueless idiot abroad, the other Ricky Gervais’s mate.

LEGAL NOTE: last week I compared Pixie Lott’s complexion to the surface of the moon. I acknowledge the joke could seem cruel and cause upset. I apologise sincerely to the Sea of Tranquillity.

Jan 22. SO there I was marvelling at heavenly bodies moving in unison on TV... And then my wife made me turn off the Big Brother twins so the kids could watch Stargazing Live instead. This was the sort of telly the BBC was made for: educational, informative, fun... It was also scarier than a Klingon nudists’ camp.

Brian Cox has done wonders for the sales of telescopes. But phone calls to the Samaritans must have gone through the roof. All that talk about the death of the sun and inescapable black holes eating up matter like the Dingles at an all-you-can buffet does tend to make you think: so what’s the point of it all then? No wonder BBC2 brought in Dara as light relief. He got in a good gag too (just the one), ending the time travel debate with a sharp: “If we’re wrong about this send us an email from the future.”

ITV would have had Jedward filling up an astronaut’s oxygen tank with custard or Keith Lemon debating the chances of landing a man on Sue Perkins. Gawd knows what Alan Carr would have made of claims that group astronomy have “a nice communal feel.” Although the biggest laughs came from Dara swigging ‘meteorite’ wine from the bottle, like a well-fed tramp. (Asteroid wine has more belt...).

Cox, grumpy perhaps without his usual travel budget, had no time for conspiracy theorists, telling anyone who questioned the moon landing to “turn over to ITV, I don’t want you.” And his experts (Jodrell Bankers?) dismissed most of the science I learnt from watching TV (well, okay, Star Trek) out of hand: wormholes are “unlikely”, warp speed won’t happen, we’re never going to meet ET... Cox sternly advised anyone who believed in UFOs to watch Big Brother, where alien cultures can be found growing in Frankie’s manky pants.

There were revelations: the moon smells of gun-power and not cheese as previously believed. And wild talk of Planck’s constant – not to be confused with Ricky Butcher, a constant plank. We got controversies too – Einstein may have been wrong, Betelgeuse is pronounced “Bet-el-Ger” and not beetle juice as generally believed. But still the answers to the big questions of the cosmos remain as elusive as the Higgs particle. Live long and prosper.

*SEPARATED at birth: the lunar surface and Pixie Lott without make-up; one has a rough crust riddled with gaping craters and blemishes, the other’s the moon.

*THEY turned out all the lights in Dulverton. Woo-eee! It was the most exciting thing to happen in that village since the Norman Conquest.

*METEORITE wine – drink enough and you’ll see stars.

DENISE? All those beauties in the house and the only one who gets her baps out is Denise Welch?! Gee thanks Big Brother. What’s your next trick? Sending in Dot Cotton to streak? Michael Madsen described Denise as an “incomprehensible drunken bitch.” He failed to add that these were her good points. Needy and attention-seeking, Dirty Den has driven the actor to despair. If this were Reservoir Dogs, it’d be ‘Stuck In The Middle’ time. And yet the tension is all his fault, according to female logic. He’s making her bother him by ignoring her.

*IN drink, Dirty Denise appears to morph into a slightly less feminine Julian Clary... Julian Scary. Even Frankie looked worried. She could have gone down like a Costa cruise ship at any minute.

ON BBC3’s How Sex Works a woman told how her lust for strangers led to casual sex in toilets, lay-bys and behind rubbish bins. Her parents must be so proud. At her lowest ebb it’s believed that she even considered booking a room in Torquay’s Grosvenor Hotel. Squalid sex depressed her (you don’t say), but on the plus side she is now on the short list for Loose Women panellists.

HOT on TV: new Sons Of Anarchy (5USA)... Mad Dogs (Sky1)... Sheila Hancock (Hustle)... Brigitte Sorensen (Borgen, BBC4).

ROT on TV: the Take Me Out script – let the writer see the P45... Dancing On Ice – drags on like a Winslett awards speech... Owen smacking Faye (Corrie) – totally inappropriate; the poor child clearly needs love, understanding, and an exorcist.

HORIZON showed us spider-goats: goats implanted with spider DNA whose milk creates super-strong silk. Hmm. How about infusing a lamb with swordfish DNA to produce a sheep that shears itself? Or splicing human cells with rabbit genes to develop a replacement Ryan Giggs? One centipede-chicken with a hundred legs could feed an entire hospital ward. Just think: with this Frankenstein science we could real vulture capitalists, and breed a new Gladiator Wolf with extra bite... the possibilities are endless.

*WOULD Ricky Butcher really walk away from his family so easily on EastEnders, rather than say reminding wobbly-gob Bianca of her own infidelities – with Big Dan and Lenny? She didn’t have that STD scare by keeping her knickers on. Play join-the-dots with her freckles and it actually spells ‘slapper’.

*SHOCKING footage of that sinking ship. It was horrible. Jonathan Ross has really lost his way.

*PADDY McGuinness cracks me up. Not his jokes, they’re never funny, but that new haircut and his Vulcan ears are hilarious.

WHAT should go in Room 101? Hmm: BBC comedy, TV bosses who think Matt Allwright and Nick Knowles are natural game show hosts, alleged celebrity shows where you have to ask “Which one is famous?”... half an hour isn’t nearly enough.

SMALL joys: Eric Hobsbawm’s giant ears (Newsnight) – he could play ping-pong without a bat. Danny Baker nominating lame TV panel shows on Room 101, a lame TV panel show. Aki (MasterChef). Jennifer Ellison’s incredible Dancing On Ice split legs; Schofield said “Normally to see stuff like that you’ve got to subscribe.”

HOPE the answer to how Sherlock escaped death is more worth waiting for than the last cliff-hanger. And doesn’t involve him leaping into that passing garbage truck... cos that would be too obvious, surely?

RANDOM Irritations: Ricky Gervais not going for a life-time ban at the Golden Globes. Male ‘public weeping’ disease spreading to MasterChef. Nikki Graham being voted off Celebrity Coach Trip, instead of loading Jedward and Louis Walsh alongside her with Paul Burrell, Edwina Currie and blubbing butterball Derek Martin and driving the lot over a ravine.

*PAUL Burrell dressed as a clown? Someone check his pockets.

CELEB Maths: Ant + Dec = Moriarty.

TV I’d Like To See: Holmes Under The Hammer – Moriarty’s revenge. Pole Dancing Dairies: milk maids a go-go.

JAN 15. JEDWARD were back on Celebrity Big Brother. Hurrah! We really don’t see enough of these fascinating tongue-tied recluses. But sadly there is no more Andrew Stone. Yes, shy and retiring Andrew was evicted on Wednesday. First out! Considered less interesting than Georgia, a woman with the personality of a plate of colcannon... oh the shame! The indignity! This was puzzling because Andrew was the ultimate celebrity. Don’t take my word for it, ask him. Yet his fellow housemates saw him as more of a self-obsessed nitwit, an attention-seeking bore. Part David Brent, part Big Girl’s Blouse.

Being nominated was enough to send Stone into melt-down. He became St Andrew the Martyr, sulking and pouting and flouncing about. But deluded to the end, the dance diva eventually decided his eviction like the crowd booing was “all pantomime” (it wasn’t, they hate you).

Stone was booted out after the fairy tale task; apt - everything about him was Grimm. Not to mention cheesier than the pockets of Worrall-Thompson’s shop-lifting coat. The task was inspired, if slightly miscast. There was a case for Frankie Cocozza being one of the three little pigs, but Stone was all ham. Watching dud-stud Frankie tell Kirk “I need a tug”, brought another role to mind: Prince Charmless. Kirk was definite pig material, trying to pork Natasha. Being nominated did wonders for her libido. But to really have a chance with her he’d have to change his surname to Giggs.

None of the women is Snow White, obviously, but with her track record Denise should surely have been Mother Goosed. Or the dragon; Dipso Den became a fire-breathing nightmare in drink giving Michael grief. I’m glad Nicola didn’t go. I’d have missed them. (Why was Andrew “The Beast” when Nicola coughs like a wounded bison?) Natalie is the bookies’ favourite to win, but who else is there? Gareth (Fairy Godfather) is in with a chance, but Michael might walk. And it took Jedward to make the twins interesting. Like Georgia, the girls bring nothing but boobs to the party. Is it too late to replace ’em with Paddy McGuinness and some tanked-up Take Me Out slappers?

FAT Pat was buried on EastEnders, although sadly not in a coffin shaped like a giant earring. Instead like all hard-up Londoners, she had a fabulous £15K horse-drawn send-off (paid for by Janine, who hated her guts.) Patricia had “a touch of class”, according to the funeral director. A touch of brass more like. She’s an ex-hooker (RFU). Pat had many husbands, three of them her own: Peter ‘Tweacle’ Beale, Frank Butcher and poor impotent Roy Evans. Remember Roy? He used to sit in Kaff’s caff and weep every time anyone said, “Knob of butter?” Pete wasn’t a bright man; in truth it was hard to tell where he stopped and the vegetables on his stall started, but I loved his chirpy speech impediment (“woll up, woll up, get yer fwesh whubarb and waddishes ’ere”) And he was more believable than Phil is these days or Amira’s Cherokee uncle. Phil and Shirley are fast becoming the Bonnie and Clyde of Walford. The trouble is, Phil’s the bonny one.

*Missing from Pat’s funeral: her son Simon (who turned up at the end of the episode for two words of dialogue; was it worth it?), grandsons Mad Joe and Steven Beale, her lover Kenny Beale, her best friend Peggy...

HOW To Cook Like Heston is good as far as it goes, but is it really what we want from our favourite mad food-scientist? Forget steak and eggs, Hesto. Show us how to make a profiterole flavoured suit of armour out of left-over sprouts. Or at the very least a glow-in-the-dark saveloy that tastes like a cheese toastie.

*HOW about a Clarkson cooking show? Slogan: Where bad taste tastes good. Dish one: War Horse kebab.

HOT on TV: Borgen (BBC4) – all the class of The Killing, none of the knitwear... Coppers (C4)... Archer (5*).

ROT on TV: a naff Sherlock script neutering the Hounds of The Baskervilles – Fenton was scarier... Eternal Law – infernal bore...

ON When Paddy Met Sally, Paddy Doherty reminded our Sal that hubby John Bercow had given her three kids by putting “his ship into the dock.” Up periscope! Talk about nautical but nice. No seaman gags by request. Paddy’s at Westminster tomorrow. Let’s hope he shares his thoughts on “honourable members” with Harriet Harman before telling her “Woman, get me a cheese sandwich and put it on expenses.”

*JORGIE Porter celebrated her dazzling Dancing On Ice debut by enjoying a passionate romp with her boyfriend. So it wasn’t just Robin Cousins who gave her a solid six...

*ROBIN Cousins quote of the week: “Don’t show off if you’ve got nothing below the knee.”

*HOW white were Mark Gonzalez’s teeth? Those choppers would blind an Osmond. He’s skating with Charlene Tilton, described by Phil Schofield as many people’s “guilty pleasure.” So we know what he was doing when Dallas was on.

*A WOMAN with two vaginas appeared on TV last week. It was like Kelly-Anne Lyons and Dick & Dom all over again.

*FACT: an astonishing 4per cent of British cheese gets stolen every week. Most of it is then melted down and turned into Wild At Heart scripts.

*A STUDY says that women who down a glass of red wine a day are less likely to be overweight. While women who drink carelessly in public are more likely to end up judging Britain’s Got Talent.

*IT all got horribly out of hand with Tina and Kirsty on Corrie. If only they’d handled it like adults, and stripped down to their smalls for a pillow fight...

*DEAN Gaffney and Wellard the dog were panellists on Celeb Big Brother’s Bit On The Side. How could they do that to such a poor dumb creature, asked Wellard.

RANDOM irritations: Russell Tovey over-load. Micro ‘Celebrity’ bookings – if they don’t turn heads at a bus stop they’re not celebs. MPs lecturing us on sobriety - like Royal Bodyguard writers giving tips on comedy.

SMALL joys of TV: Big Mo on ice. The blonde in the Nina Ricci ad. Jasper Carrott. Roger Allam in anything. Shop-lifting chef Worrall-Thompson giving new meaning to a pinch of cheese.

SEPARATED at birth: Paddy Doherty and Cockney Rejects punk legend Jeff ‘Stinky’ Turner; one a two-fisted rebel with a history of fights and feisty blondes, the other an Irish tinker.

TV I’D like to see: The EXIT List, assisted suicides, starting with Matt Allwright. The Mystery of Edwin’s Droop – erectile malfunction explained. Or The Misery of Edwin’s Droog – Dickens meets A Clockwork Orange and gets kicked in the yarbles.

Jan 8th. DAY Two on Celebrity Big Brother, and Professor Roger Scruton is in the hot tub debating the meaning of life with Richard Dawkins and the Dalai Lama. Of course not! CBB actually bounced back with a potentially explosive line-up of quality nitwits including Kirk from TOWIE, Frankie ‘The Cock’ Cocozza and Mr Blond from Reservoir Dogs.

There’s also lingerie model Georgia who is half-Irish, half-Greek and all woman. Some experts believe that this Kim Kardashian lookalike might actually be hot enough to turn Gareth Thomas straight. The undoubted star of the opening night though was Natalie Cassidy - formerly Sonia the trumpet strumpet from EastEnders turned yo-yo dieter - who coped brilliantly with Big Bro’s secret mission. The funniest moment came early when gravel-voiced actor Michael Madsen mistook Nat for a greeter, asking “How did you get this job?”

I like the twins, as base men call Nicola McLean’s cleavage, and Playboy Mansion deserters Klarissa and Kristina are certainly easier on the eye and ears than Jedward. Romeo from So Solid Crew seems cooler than iced cucumbers. His real name is Marvin Dawkins, so you can understand why he changed it. Instant irritants are Natasha Giggs, a woman happily cashing in on her sole claim to fame – being a shameless slapper who cheated on her husband with his own brother. And deluded nonentity Andrew Stone, who, called CBB “an experience I don’t think anyone’s ever experienced before.” Apart from the eighty celebs who’ve done it already...

Stone could make Coccoza seem likable. Poor Frankie. All series the X Factor judges told him he was a natural rock star, and the minute he acted like one, they axed him... Let’s hope the next name tattooed on his arse is Gareth’s...

Denise Welsh was the final surprise – an actress with a history of depression, alcoholism, infidelity and attempted suicide. What could possibly go wrong? The series is alive with possibilities. Will Kirk pull Georgia... or will he end up as disappointed as Russell Grant when he realised How To Build A Jumbo Super Wing wasn’t a documentary about KFC? Will Nicola’s implants implode? Will Stone eat himself? Will anyone double-dip the twins? And who will Romeo be so solid for? These are the questions. For the answers keep watching...

*THE first Ryan Giggs phone text arrived before the show even started: Natasha Giggs is entering the Big Brother house – makes a change from big brother entering her...

SOME people complained about the nudity in Sherlock. Me too, it was outrageous. We only saw her back. Lovely Lara Pulver sparkled as upmarket bondage queen Irene Adler, specialising in ‘recreational scolding’ (the M&S of S&M). And okay, the opening scene with Unconvincing Moriarty was a massive cop-out, but the rest was TV bliss involving the most shocking royal misjudgement since Beatrice’s hat. Irene gave new meaning to the phrase ‘happy slapping’. We got secrets, lies, terrorists and spies (James Bondage?) delivered with saucy panache. “Brainy is the new sexy,” said Irene, who even managed to arouse Sherlock’s sleeping libido. Any other woman would have been flogging a dead horse.

SO telly chefs spend all year cooking cakes, pies and pastries, and then come January, TV wheels out a bunch of jumped-up gym bunnies to put the boot in to anyone who ate it. Have you seen C4’s Fat Fighters? What a bunch of freaks. Tamaya looks like the My Transsexual Summer version of Lesley Joseph. “Bad Boy Dan” - a man with a Mohican, and issues – is actually plain Dan Corbett. Ronnie was scarier. Miller the Piller (Pillock) is a muscle-brained, pumped-up LA ham. And whip-cracking Lithuanian cliché Dalia could well be Helen Mirren’s older sister. She’s known as Miss Red Hot because you’d like to poker...with an actual poker. They look like rejects from a bad sitcom. Together their job is to shout at fat people until they cry. Cue lard-buckets with bellies made for wide-screen tellies moaning like wounded walruses in mourning.

*THE Biggest Loser contenders lost more weight in a week than Dan’s victim Sharron did in months. Possibly because when they realised they had to start the show by running three miles, they evacuated their ginormous bowels. Shit a brick!

*THE Biggest Loser is sponsored by Subway. Isn’t that like Derek Branning financing Crimewatch? The actual Biggest Loser? Anyone who watches it.

HOT on TV: Sherlock... Lara ‘The Pulveriser’ Pulver... New Girl... Nina Conti... Kayvan Novak (Hacks)... Endeavour... Mrs. Brown’s Boys.

ROT on TV: Got To Dance – got to dash... Take Me Out – use a rifle... The Royal Bodyguard – witless waste of David Jason... Eddie Izzard (Treasure Island) – one ‘treasure’ that should have stayed buried.

*ALESHA Dixon told Alan Carr that she’d had sex in a car. She didn’t say whether or not she passed the test, though.

*FOR car sex pleasure, Alesha revealed she prefers a 4x4. No word yet on the car size.

*DAVID Walliams will judge Britain’s Got Talent. Good thinking. He swam the Thames – he’s used to wading through crap.

*ON the British Heart infomercial, Vinnie Jones rasps: “Say some geezer collapses in front of you, what would you do?” Dunno, Vin, nick his wallet?

*THE EastEnders writers claimed that Fat Pat had won a Butlin’s beauty contest in 1958. Yeah? Have you seen what Pam St Clement looked like back then? Think Susan Boyle crossed with a brick outhouse...She wouldn’t have won Wormwood Scrubs’ Prettiest Bank Robber.

*ROXY threw herself at David. That girl has always liked big Wicks...

*THE Bank Job lent itself to many a smart put-down: ‘more cock-up than stick-up’, ‘you can’t spell “heist” without “shite” etc. Unfortunately the C4 live quiz was enjoyably addictive. We’ve bin robbed!

RANDOM irritations: the continued sorry decline of Lenny Henry. Blubbing blubbery fatties full of self-pity... and pies... and chips (The Biggest Loser). Ben Elton – smugger than Peter Mandelson counting his money while modelling ermine in a hall of mirrors.

SMALL joys of TV: Mrs Brown’s violinists. Earthflight. Young Morse seeing Old Morse in his rear view mirror (Endeavour). Lionel Bart singing his original lyrics to Fings Ain’t What They Used T’Be: “There used to be class, doing the town, buying a bit of vice/That’s when a brass wouldn’t go down under the union price” (The Story Of Musicals).

SEPARATED at birth: Graham the Fat Fighters dwarf, and Jon Richardson, one a grumpy short-arse booked for cheap laughs, and so’s the other one.