June 24. IT’S a shame the Argee Bargee speed-dating service
on EastEnders ended so soon. I was looking forward to hearing:
“Hi, I’m Derek, and when I’m not bullying schoolgirls I like
to torment puppies and pull the wings off butterflies.” “I’m
Roxy, I’ve dropped more flies than Bronco.” Or “Wotcha, I’m
Phil, I shagged me bruvva’s wife and killed a geezer by torching
me own car lot. Me last bride topped ’erself. Got any crack?”
Very few Walford folk are remotely likeable. Last week saw
the build-up to the jinxed wedding of Satan’s sister Janine
Butcher and Mad Michael Moon, the Nut and the Slut, the dodgiest
duo since Burke & Hare. It was fourth time round for Janine
(isn’t she still married to Ryan?). “Try not to kill this one,”
quipped her brother Fick Rick – a reference to the cute way
she murdered Fat Barry on honeymoon. Oh, and the time she pretended
to be Jewish to con some rich old schmuck, who died from the
shock, down the synagogue aisle...
Janine was five when she first appeared in the Square as a
lying, bed-wetting, tealeaf. These turned out to be her good
points. She turned tricks, turned blackmailer, ran over Danielle...
Any normal bloke would run away from her so fast you’d hear
a ‘skedaddle’ cartoon sound effect. But groom Michael is not
Traumatized as a child by the shock of finding his Mum’s corpse,
Michael is as slippery as a weasel soaked in diesel. He conned
Mad Jean out of her Lotto winnings for an investment scheme
(the Bank of Moon) that even Jimmy Carr might consider questionable.
Which puts us in another quandary: Yes, Michael is a messed-up
conman with a malicious streak the size of Kim Kardashian’s
khyber, but Jean is the soap’s most irritating character since
Huw and Lenny. At one stage it looked like they’d enjoy a sausage
surprise together... which wouldn’t have been as hard to believe
as say Phil and Stella or Minty and Heather or Jay and Abi.
The kid looks twelve! The wedding was going great (apart from
the happy couple walking out for pre-nup negotiations mid-ceremony,
as you do) until Janine went into labour prematurely. The poor
mite was born without a heartbeat, unlike its psychotic parents
who were born without hearts.
*GIVEN the state of most Walford marriages it’s surprising
the bride and groom don’t just wear the rings on their middle
*THINGS to perk up Enders: 1) Phil with a Wayne Rooney hairweave
2) New Vic landlord: Hellboy 3) David Cameron leaves daughter
in Vic; ten minutes later she tells Sam Cam: “You ain’t my muvva!”
*WHO remembers Fat Barry’s honeymoon death fall? No-one had
gone down a cliff so unconvincingly since Sue Barker...
NORTH London’s Caledonian Road – known locally as The Cally
– once housed a thriving live-stock market. Dirty old men would
loiter when calves were delivered because, as abattoir worker
Roy recalled: “You know, when the calf sucks the teat of the
cow... I’ll leave it to your imagination.” Just say moo. Years
later when North Londoners wanted to see something that sucked
that reliably they’d go and watch Gus Caesar. The Secret History
Of Our Streets brings history alive. It allows real people on
screen, like publican Eileen, and shows how they cope with life’s
upheavals with humour. (Enders please note). Locals stood up
to the corporate might of British Rail to stop them demolishing
their homes. But no-one seems to challenge Cypriot spiv Andrew,
who boasted about ignoring planning regulations and renting
out a warren of poky underground flats. He’s probably burrowing
under St Pancras to build a giant kebab shop as we speak.
THE first question raised by Prime Suspect USA wasn’t so much
whodunit as why bother? The brilliant British original launched
in 1991. Setting the gritty US version in today’s New York feels
as out of time as the Euro. Would Jane Timoney (their Tennison)
really be the only female detective on a modern force apparently
hand-picked by Gene Hunt? In fairness, Maria Bello is terrific
as the homicide squad’s first woman boss. Nailing the bad guy,
she copped the worst beating this side of Chris Brown’s kitchen,
but won over most of her women-hating team in the process -
except resentful Reg, who makes Andy Capp look metrosexual.
It’s watchable enough. I just wish they’d changed the title...
*NO sign of Timoney’s sister Ann. She’s probably busy occupying
Wall Street. (Ann Timoney, anti-money... okay, please yerselves.)
HOT on TV: Mario Bello (Prime Suspect USA)... Braquo (FX)...
Marlon Davis (Comedy Empire).
ROT on TV: True Love – the worst thing to hit Margate since
the ’49 storm, and considerably wetter... the Hugo Chavez Show
– as endless and overblown as Leveson... Make Me Happy (BBC4)
– what made me happy was switching over.
*BIG Brother’s Benedict was a preachy, self-righteous bore,
banging on about his, ahem, unorthodox shower-gel. An old joke
holds that there is a giant wall in heaven covered in clocks,
each representing the life of someone living. Whenever that
person pleasures themselves, their clock leaps forward an hour
and they lose 60 minutes of their life. You’d look in vain for
Benedict’s clock, because St Peter explains: “That’s in the
kitchen. We use it as a fan.”
*IS Embarrassing Bodies the antidote to casual sex? It certainly
changes the way we look at each other. Your date may seem cute
but who knows what lumps, sores and assorted horrors are going
on under the glad-rags?
*THEY had obesity and head lice on Embarrassing Bodies, which
I believe were Heather and Shirley’s nicknames at Walford High.
*CHERRY Healey: How To Get A Life. Stop watching Cherry Healey?
*IF there was a point to True Love, it was better hidden than
Jimmy Carr’s cash. Unless director Dominic Savage had purposely
set out to prove that big-name actors are rubbish without a
*WILL it be happy-ever-after for Dev and Sunita on Corrie?
Possibly. But there’s more chance of catching Norris Cole dancing
to Skrillex or Emily Bishop writing mummy porn.
*WHEN China sends their next woman into space, can it be Sherrie
*THERE was no male-orientated TV drama on Father’s Day, but
my daughters did give me an unexpected gift – they let me use
RANDOM irritations: BBC1’s dire, doom-mongering football ‘analysts’.
Fosters “sponsors of original comedy” sponsoring A Short History
Of Everything, which is neither. Chris Moyles presenting stand-up
- cheesier than a Gary Lineker pun.
SMALL Joys Of TV: Eva’s cleavage (Corrie). BBC4’s Bowie Night.
Jimmy Carr’s tax ribbing (8 Out Of Ten Cats). Paloma Faith.
*JOE Longthorne got an MBE – great; now give him as Audience
*SEPARATED at birth: William Hague and Elmer Fudd, one associated
with Looney Tunes, the other a cartoon.
*AFTER John Lydon advertising Country Life, the new BA ad features
the Clash’s London Calling. Ha! They think it’s funny, turning
rebellion into money... Wake me up when McDonald’s start using
The Feeding Of The 5,000.
*MISSING from last weekend’s post-punk show on BBC4: Killing
Joke, Theatre Of Hate, The Exploited, The Alarm, Southern Death
Cult (continued White Lion – quick 80s reference for old Sounds
June 17. CHRIS the bailiff got evicted on Big Brother, which
made a nice change but was a big mistake. Squeaky Chris was
comedy gold. He flew off the handle like a motorbike stuntman.
His voice is so high that only dogs could hear every word. And
his torso looked like Darren Lyons’s fake six-pack after it’d
been left too close to a fire.
It was tragic to lose him so soon. He’d only had one row,
with big gob Bex (Mandy Dingle’s stunt-double). I wanted him
to fall out with paranoid nutcase Lydia too. Chris was like
Smithy from Gavin & Stacey gone bad; the Hyde to Smithy’s Jekyll.
All Arron brings to the party are arrogance and abs – so female
voters, we’ve just found your level.
The week’s challenge was to last two days without laughing...
which sounds a lot like a C4 Comedy Gala. They could have set
them all off just by flashing up a picture of Wayne Rooney’s
haircut. Instead Big Bro sent in stand-ups, Keith Harris and
circus acts – who couldn’t really compete because the biggest
clowns are already in there. Keith quipped that Chris could
be Orville’s dad, as they look and sound exactly alike...
Watching housemates trying not to laugh was funnier than any
of the turns. Luke S did it by flinging his mouth open in a
silent scream (exactly the response that seeing Luke A naked
would elicit, I’d imagine). Luke S has struck up the first relationship,
with childish slapper Ashleigh, or as I like to think of her,
Miss Chlamydia 2013. Ash appears to be thicker than an elderly
Japanese tourist’s photo album, but each to their own. I like
funny Shievonne, Sara, who’s hilarious in drink, and Lauren
who is bright, cute and amazing with a banana. Deana is dishy
but dim. Caroline is such a patronising snob she should be a
Cabinet minister. Adam, who resembles a younger slimmer Barry
White, should get through to the final week. But the others
fail to impress, especially Dominic who was caught on camera
pleasuring himself in the bath. If they’d sent in the clowns
then, would he have knocked one out?
*MEDICAL up-date. Dull transsexual Luke A has a vagina; posh
bore Scott is a vagina.
*CHRIS’S next job? Arse double for Rihanna; he has the perfect
face for it.
* MOODY Lydia boasts about how normal her ‘celebrity’ boyfriend
Andy Scott-Lee is. Wow, and that’s despite him appearing on
The Mint and not winning Pop Idol.
THE US porn industry is going tits up, according to Louis
Theroux, who revisited the scene 15 years on. He’s always been
a massive plonker, maybe he thought he’d come in useful. Theroux’s
schtick is to hang about gormlessly, trying to get people to
open up. (Maybe I should rephrase that...) He interviewed new
actors – coming attractions? And caught up with folk he’d met
in ’97. The mood drooped like the before part of a Viagra ad.
Only seedy director Rob Black was his old thrusting self. Once
jailed for shock-porn, Black now knocks out blue superhero parodies...
which makes you wonder what Wonder Woman does with her lasso
these days. And brings new meaning to the thought of Batman
and The Joker exchanging blows. No doubt his X Men are post-op
transsexuals and his Silver Surfer does a helluva lot more rising.
*SUPER-hero sex? It’ll never catch on. What girl wants her
fella to be faster than a speeding bullet?
WOULD it hurt comedy panel shows to try a bit harder? The
once unmissable Mock The Week now seems as listless as Paul
Merton on Have I Got News For You. There wasn’t one decent topical
gag in the whole half hour. A Short History Of Everything Else
is HIGNFY with the topicality and any pretence of satire drained
out; just lame quips and archive footage of forgotten news stories.
If you wanted weak banter about things that happened years ago,
wouldn’t you just watch Dave?
HOT on TV: Braquo (FX)... Mad Men finale... 2 Broke Girls
(E4)... Sharon Horgan, although sadly Dead Boss is a dead loss.
ROT on TV: Live At The Electric – dead in the head... A Short
History Of Everything Else – have I got recycled ideas for you...
You Cannot Be Serious – you cannot be funny.
*ABI’S maths revision got knocked to the floor by her randy
parents on EastEnders. They have a whole new way of “doing tables”.
Max’s interest in maths started with Stacey, when he realised
35 went into 16 four times a night.
*KAT Moon was referred to as “prime beef”. I can’t believe
it’s not mutton.
I like Kat actress Jessie Wallace; she reminds me of a bit
of Madonna’s right tit – cold, over-exposed and yet somehow
TOWIE turned Marbella into Essex on the Med this week. It
was like every other episode but with bikinis - The Only Way
Is Kleenex. Alleged highlights included dimbo Joey trying to
push open a sliding door, and Lucy saying yes to Mario’s proposal,
which on balance is probably dumber. He’ll never love anyone
as much as he loves himself, Luce. Elsewhere Gemma dumped Argy,
flashing her swimsuit at him saying “You ain’t getting this
candy.” Maybe if she’d consumed a little less ‘candy’, she wouldn’t
have looked like half a ton of condemned veal wrapped up in
a black bin-liner.
*IT’D be easy to write off Mark Wright’s new show as Hollywood
Shite, so let’s do just that. It’s like Entourage with a lobotomy.
*HOW come Zippy hasn’t done a David Cameron remix of his BGT
hit: “Where’s me keys, where’s me phone, where’s me daughter?”
*SOMEONE buy Marco Pierre White a comb – even clowns think
his barnet looks ridiculous.
*THINGS I’d like to see on TV: CGI enhanced deformities beamed
via Skype to baffle the doctors on Embarrassing Bodies...“My
word, his penis appears to have a smiley face...”, “is that
an alien bursting out of your stomach?”, “so when exactly did
these udders develop...?”
Random Irritations: Lizo Mzimba’s shirts – why can’t the scrawny
BBC news entertainment correspondent find one that fits? Theroux
not calling his porn show 15-Up. ‘The Men Who Made Us Fat’ –
did they put a gun to our heads? We make ourselves fat! The
guy on Punk Britannia citing A Very British Coup as if it were
a factual book rather than a paranoid work of fiction penned
by a Bennite MP.
Small Joys of TV: The Secret Life Of Bob Monkhouse. Phil Davis.
Ronaldo missing open goals. Pete getting decked by a train guard
(Mad Men). TOWIE bikini babes. Sara’s rat-arsed rendition of
God Save The Queen (Big Brother). Hic-hic-hooray.
SEPARATED at birth: Avengers star Jeremy ‘Hawkeye’ Remmer
and Freddie ‘Parrot Face’ Davies. Runners-up: Corrie’s Dev as
Elvis and Mescaleros era Joe Strummer.
MEMO to BBC4: if punk is dead who were all those people watching
the Cockney Rejects go down a storm at Download last weekend?
BBC4’s Punk Britannia was very much an NME take on the spiky
phenomenon. It had far too much on pub rock, and nowhere near
enough on bands such as the Ruts, Skids, Angelic Upstarts and
the Members who in their different ways carried the torch for
punk rock in 1978 and 9 (long after the NME decided punk was
dead). The third part of the series was full of reverence for
The Fall, the Raincoats and the Marxist funk band Gang Of Four,
while ignoring the Apocalypse punk bands entirely. Important
blue collar bands such as the Business, whose album The Truth
became the template for US streetpunk went under the BBC radar.
They didn’t go to art school and clearly didn’t drop the names
of the right intellectuals in interviews.
Isn’t it odd that a show about post-punk would ignore Big Country?
This brilliant band, formed in 1981 by former Skids guitar Stuart
Adamson successfully mixed folk, rock and Celtic themes, and
notched up hits including ‘Wonderland’, ‘Chance’ and ‘In A Big
Country’ as well as three Top 3 albums. All a lot more listenable
than ‘Death Disco’.
June 10. After all that down-market Jubilee coverage, Big
Brother bounced back to bring British TV a touch of much-needed
class. There’s teacher turned porn star Benedict; Conor whose
favourite trick at parties is to drape his old chap over his
wrist and pretend it’s a watch. And Essex girl Ashleigh, 20,
who arrived promising to “swear constantly”, her fake tan streaking
in the rain. She’s already delighted us with her thoughts on
golden showers. “Every boy has got a fantasy of pissing on a
girl,” she claimed. Well, what a sheltered life I’ve led! Although
thinking about it, Angela Merkel could probably do with a good
I like kooky blonde Lauren, a criminology student who’s a
karate black belt - surely a costumed crime-buster in the making?
Funny Shievonne and leggy Sara seem good value too. But maybe
not Caroline, an irritating posh bird whose unkempt barnet makes
her look like she’s just been flung off of a fairground waltzer.
How much Prozac would you need to take to suffer a summer with
this creature? I’d OD by Father’s Day.
The others are either disturbed or disturbing. Babbling doorman
Chris is like squeaky Joe Pasquale on steroids. Transsexual
Luke A (short for Attention-Seeker) was born female yet has
a deeper voice than him. Luke worried about people finding out
his sex-change secret, and then insisted on telling them anyway.
Tsk, just like a woman. We’ve had fake cocks in the house before
of course, most notably Craig Coates...
Deana, Miss India UK, was first in and had to put three of
these chumps up for eviction. She took forever to decide, not
cos it was a hard choice but because her brain works really,
really slowly. She nominated Conor (for ignoring her), ex-glam
model Victoria, 41, and stressed-out drama queen Lydia – and
that was before she found out she’s Andy Scott-Lee’s girlfriend.
Naturally Vicky went. The rest of the housemates are: model
Arron, thinks he’s funny – we’ll be the judge of that, pal.
Posh gay student Scott, Brit-born Yank Adam (self-styled gangsta),
and alpha male entrepreneur Luke S. It’s too soon to predict
a winner but a fiver says foul-mouthed Ashleigh will be the
first to put a couple of hands on Conor’s “wristwatch”.
TOWN planners out to “improve” Deptford, south-east London,
demolished the best part of it in the 60s - and ripped the heart
out of a thriving community. Homes they condemned as slums were
perfectly habitable. But, as The Secret History Of Our Streets
showed, locals had no power to resist faceless officialdom.
They were forced out to the suburbs. Replacement estates built
in the name of progress became soulless hell-holes while the
kind of houses the council flattened now sell for £750K...
HOT on TV: Game Of Thrones zombies... Marco Pierre White (Kitchen
Wars)... The Fruit ’n’ Veg Market.
ROT on TV: BBC1’s flotilla coverage – there’s more intelligent
life in Prince Philip’s urine sample... Cheryl Cole singing
flat – by royal disappointment... Fearne Cotton – still rotten.
TOM Jones lusted over Beyoncé on Monday – but only on Corrie.
Tom, played by randy Karl, looked more like Tony Angelino from
Fools & Horses – he’ll certainly do more cwying. Sunita didn’t
look like Beyoncé at all, but she definitely fits the hits:
Crazy In Love, Naughty Girl, Love On Top... She’ll be a single
lady soon enough.
*SUNITA, arranging a session with Karl, told him “You’d better
use the back entrance, just to be on the safe side.” I say,
luv, steady on.
*MASOOD proposed to Zainab again on EastEnders. And they say
Jean Slater is nuts...
*KAT’S back! Woo-hoo. The question is: will she cheat on Alfie...
before or after Gary Barlow’s knighthood?
*THEY rejected a robot comedian on America’s Got Talent. Quite
right. One Jimmy Carr is enough.
*COMIC book hero Green Lantern has come out as gay. Half an
hour later he got offered his own TV chat show.
*LEWIS said he’s “too old-fashioned” to make a move on Dr.
Laura. Don’t worry mate. She's a forensic pathologist - she's
used to laying out dead bodies and getting stuck in.
*PAUL Sinha on The Chaser is very cutting for a man whose
neck looks like a stack of Cumberland sausages.
JUBILEE irritations: a BBC nitwit claiming Nelson fought at
Waterloo. The RAF fly-past being headed by a Yank Dakota. ITN’s
Mark Austin – sneering and snooty doing vox-pops; a ventriloquist
dummy has more empathy. Lenny Henry landing the prestige gig
after three decades of not being funny.
SMALL Joys of TV: Madness turning Buck House into a Camden
backstreet. Grace Jones hoola-hooping. Marco Pierre White looking
like a deranged silent movie clown. And the transit of Venus
- this won’t happen again for 100 years... just like a happy
marriage in Walford.
SEPARATED at birth: Micky Flanagan and Billy The Fish.
June 5. THE three day Diamond Jubilee knees-up was up-lifting
– despite Olympian levels of BBC incompetence. Highs included
the Red Arrows turning grey skies red, white and blue, those
little boats, redolent of Dunkirk, and Madness on the Palace
roof, singing “Our House... in the middle of One’s street.”
Old stagers – Tom Jones, Rolf and Bassey in particular – sparkled
at last night’s Jubilee concert, which is more than can be said
for Miranda Hart. Has there ever been feebler, more blithering
comedy patter at a national event? Yes, if you count Omid Djalili
and Sandi Toksvig’s painful banter on the Zephyr the day before.
Never a Somalian pirate around when you need one, is there?
BBC1’s flotilla coverage was particularly shoddy, let down
by clueless commentators, ill-timed cutaways and glaring factual
errors. It was like they were trying to turn a historic event
into a so-what edition of The One Show. Mercifully these clods
couldn’t dampen the sense of occasion any more than the lashing
rain could silence the Royal College of Music choir belting
out Land Of Hope & Glory.
BBC commentators managed to get the date of the Queen’s Coronation
wrong, and the size of HMS Belfast. They referred to the top
deck of the royal barge as “the first floor”, and even managed
to call the Queen “Her Royal Highness” instead of Her Majesty.
But my favourite cock-up was the claim that the hatter Lock
& Co provided a hat for Horatio Nelson to wear at the Battle
of Waterloo. Waterloo, a land battle, was in 1815 – ten years
after the great Admiral died at sea during the Battle of Trafalgar.
*THE Queen didn’t actually enjoy any of the music on offer,
but got through the ordeal by listening to Cradle Of Filth on
*BEST gag? Lee Mack: “Standing outside Buckingham Palace,
asking everyone to cheer for Madness... what would George III
*BEST TV commentator: David Starkey on ITV, full of knowledge
and enthusiasm and at one point moved to tears by the majesty
of it all.
*BIGGEST relief: Lang Lang not going on too long long.
*WAS the Sky News coverage any better? Here’s a verbatim quote
from Eamonn Holmes: “There’s some sort of barge going past.
There’s a bit of steam, horns going off... it’s some sort of
river boat.” Only LSD could have improved fat-boy Eamonn: “Hey,
it’s the Love Boat. And Aquaman... Captain Pugwash... Captain
Birdseye... and look, there’s the Kraken...”
Things the Jubilee showed us we lack: 1) a Navy 2) A commentator
of the stature of Richard Dimbleby or Raymond Baxter. 3) Comedians
the whole nation loves.
June 3. THE Baftas are British TV patting itself on the back
for a job well done. It’s the broadcasting equivalent of bankers
giving themselves bonuses for bringing us to the brink of economic
Dara promised us “the very best” of UK telly shortly after
the ludicrous luvvie fest opened with shots of comedy sex-pest
Keith Lemon and a couple of clods from TOWIE. Wow, all the stars.
We were then subjected to toe-curlingly rotten ‘comic’ exchanges
from various planks presenting awards.
Gongs went, inexplicably, to Coronation Street, and to Jennifer
Saunders for that half-cocked Ab Fab revival. And a prestigious
Bafta fellowship was bestowed upon an elderly Aussie painter
and decorator with a kangaroo fetish. (Good on ya, Rolf). Had
there been a chat-show category, Peaches Geldof might have walked
Sport was absurdly lumped in with national events, resulting
in the New Zealand All-Blacks being pipped (Pippa-ed?) for glory
by the Royal Wedding. Even Piri Weepu couldn’t compete with
that bum. And I understand Pips pushes harder under pressure.
In drama, Fred West buried the opposition. Whether or not
you think it’s right to dramatise this sick bastard so soon
after the event, there’s no denying that the acting in ITV’s
Appropriate Adult was magnificent. Mrs Brown’s victory was one
in the eye for comedy snobs. The likes of Friday Night Dinner
pale compared to US sitcoms Modern Family and The Middle. But
then what do we do well now? Baking perhaps, but virtually all
must-see shows on TV are imported. And it’s tragic. Two of the
four series up for a drama Bafta have already been axed, including
winner, The Fades. Perversely, our two latest runaway drama
smashes, ITV’s Downton Abbey and BBC1’s Sherlock, weren’t even
in the running.
No current British drama comes close to Game Of Thrones, which
this week ended with the most enjoyable twist this side of a
John Travolta massage. Titanic battle scenes too. The Beeb made
quality series once. But it’s been a mighty long time since
Boys From The Blackstuff or House Of Cards. The best they can
do is re-boot old hits, like Dr Who and Sherlock; the rest is
dross - Candy Cabs, Outcasts, medical soaps. TV Polyfilla. We
kid ourselves British TV is world class, but compared to the
Yanks and the Swedes we’re not even trying.
*BAFTA joys: Rolf dressing like a psychedelic Colonel Sanders.
Jack Whitehall’s face falling faster than Facebook share price
when Mrs. Brown’s Boys beat Fresh Meat. Kelly Brook – she didn’t
win a Bafta, but did bring her own golden globes...
SILK heated up as randy brief Clive got off with female solicitor
George in the ladies loo of a pub; an encounter that left him
flushed... and a queue of women with their legs crossed. To
add insult to injury, he also left the toilet seat up. It was
all steamier than a Melanie Sykes tweet; and very little appeared
to be inadmissible, m’lud. Carlsberg don’t do legal briefings,
but if they did... Clive was in Oxford to prosecute three posh
students who’d ripped off a waitress’s knickers as a secret
society initiation rite (The Borises?). They were the kind of
spoilt, silver-spoon vermin likely to end up running the country,
or worse, BBC Comedy. Even when found guilty they only got eight
months. Meanwhile, QC Martha (Quite Cute) did her bleeding heart
bit for screw-ball Ricky, who got eight years for smashing up
a mini-mart. He’d been abused y’see; society was to blame. One
rule for them and another one for us was the obvious message.
And once it would have been true. These days though, isn’t it
more likely to be: slapped wrists for the guilty and no justice
at all for the victims?
KERRY Katona had to cook for a bunch of deadbeats on Celebrity
Come Dine With Me. Surprisingly she didn’t go to Iceland. This
alleged “Jubilee special” was an embarrassment of name-dropping
(Lionel Blair), burping (Cheryl Fergison) and bad jokes (Keith
Harris). “Prince Charles always calls me ‘Lionel’,” bragged
Blair, prompting Dave Lamb to ask, “What else would he call
you?” There is an answer to that, but it’s a word only the Duke
of Edinburgh uses. Kerry took the biscuit, turning her nose
up at Cheryl’s greasy menu – “I can’t be eating this s***” –
before serving up fish and chips herself. For afters the lazy
cow brought in an ice-cream van. The only thing Katona can cook
expertly is crack. Guests like this make us think more kindly
of the King of Bahrain.
*MISSING from the menus: Orville a l’orange. I wish he could
fry, or end up in a pie, he’s a... (Cut! – Ed)
HOT on TV: Biffo (The Meat Market)... Game Of Thrones (Sky
Atlantic)... Christina Hendricks (Madmen).
ROT on TV: the BAFTAs – Banal & Flat, Talent Atrocious...
Bruno Toniolo – turn it in... Eurovision – like a badly choreographed
acid flash-back... Revenge (E4) – clichéd and wooden; drama-sh*te.
GOD Save The Queens set out to examine how gay entertainers
changed attitudes to homosexuality (if indeed they did). A more
interesting question would be: has leaving the closet ruined
gay culture? The journey from Kenneth Williams to Louie Spence
has not been an uphill one, if you’ll excuse the term. The show
confused ‘camp’ with gay - they’re not the same thing. It ignored
camp pioneers like Sid Field; forgot that Round The Horne’s
writers were straight and claimed polari as “gay slang”, when
it was always much more than that.
*WHAT do those Melanie Sykes tweets tell us? 1) She’s wild
and crazy 2) She doesn’t understand Twitter or 3) Celebrity
Big Brother is casting?
*SCENES I’d like to see: BBC1 boss Danny Cohen booking into
a hotel, requesting a wake-up call... and the receptionist showing
him the viewing figures for The Voice.
*THE Voice cost BBC1 £22million; money well spent... if they’d
set out to create a clone of The X Factor with half the viewers,
zero judgement and a lot more turning around.
*CYNDI Lauper is 60 this month. She’ll be on Later singing
her new single, Girls Just Wanna Stay In & Knit.
*HOW about an Embarrassing Bodies celebrity special? They
could treat Ann Robinson for ingrained frostbite and get to
the bottom of Damon Albarn’s Beetlebum.
RANDOM irritations: Bafta winners who “haven’t thought about
what to say”. Eurovision autopsies – it’s bent, get over it.
The Voice letting Cheryl Cole mime. Over-use of phrases ‘ground-breaking’
and ‘pushing the barriers’ on Great British Menu - it's only
SMALL Joys of TV: Evidently John Cooper Clarke. Time-lapse
flowers (Kingdom of Plants). The New Jersey invasion of South
Park. Jay’s hair mysteriously sprouting inches between scenes
on Tuesday’s EastEnders. Greggs having a spokeswoman called
SEPARATED at birth: Hotel Chocolat boss Angus Thirlwell and
Sting, one responsible for endless over-sweet tripe, and so’s
the other one.