June 30. Shock scenes on EastEnders as Lauren the Lush turned
up at Abi’s party, as yellow as a smoker’s lung, and promptly
collapsed. I was so traumatized by her ordeal I needed a drink.
It’s a miracle her liver has lasted this long. After trying
to kill her dad, Lauren experienced a traumatic head transplant
and has been knocking them back like a Pogue on tour for at
least two years. The girl makes Phil look like a lightweight.
Her bedroom had more empties than a bottle bank. Even her hospital
drip came with ice and a slice of lemon.
Lauren was rushed to Walford General and diagnosed with acute
alcoholic hepatitis. Waiting in a corridor for the diagnosis,
Max like any concerned father took the opportunity to fondle
his ex-wife’s knee... On Friday, he suggested that he and Tanya
get back together – despite being married to Kirsty, a woman
who looks like she’s got the Mitchell bruvvas bursting out of
Tan was fleeing the Square behind his back, until Abi grassed
her up. She insisted that she had to take Lauren away, blaming
her boozing on Max’s rampant infidelity (conveniently skating
over her family’s long association with the bottle) and their
volatile lurv. “You’re my drug,” she told him. Yeah, crap-cocaine.
‘My Craving For Human Baked Bean’? Even Jeremy Kyle wouldn’t
When Kirsty arrived, tanked up, Max dumped her. Tanya is the
true love of his life of course, despite the small matter of
her once romantically BURYING HIM ALIVE.
Tan had the taxi waiting outside and they hadn’t even packed.
It was okay though because like no woman you’ve ever met she
managed to get all of her clothes, and Oscar’s, in a case barely
big enough for one of Abi’s Disney princess party gowns. Tanya
left her business, her daughter and her shoes. She has nowhere
to live. Sensible. And yet by soap tradition, we know that she’ll
now be immediately forgotten. No-one mentions departed relatives;
no-one asks Bianca: “How’s your Liam, is he still listening
to Little Mix?” Or “Was that your Ricky I saw on Strictly Come
Dancing?” Marge Green went on a world cruise in 1990 and never
came back. No-one ever missed her.
*THE week’s funniest moment? Abi bollocking Alfie and AJ for
drinking cans of lager. To calm her down they took her down
*THOSE Branning party games in full: Musical Beers, Drop-Scotch,
Pass the Poulsard, Snakes & Lagers, Pissed Chase, Squeak Piggy
Squeak if you need a top-up...
BIG Brother hit vintage form as Dan and Jemima rowed over
her dead daughter, who isn’t. Jem was playing misery trumps
with Jackie who revealed that daughter Charlie had “had a cyst
the size of a football... only one ovary... she saw her grandma
die in front of her... ” “My daughter died in front of me,”
Jemima retorted. “On the ground in front of me. I had to resuscitate
her... ” When Dan pointed out that she hadn’t actually died,
Jem got the hump. Her voice, already shrill and grating, got
so high that only Joe Pasquale and passing dogs could hear her.
On Wednesday Big Bro sent in vampires. They looked nearly as
terrifying as Gina does in the morning without make-up. Terrible
scenes of AJ Odudu acting ensued. Half the housemates were put
in quarantine, starved and subjected to tortures. Dan was blindfolded
and touched by what he thought were a tarantula, a snake and
leeches (actually a pineapple, a bog brush and jelly). Hilariously,
the ex-cop screamed like a girl.
HOT on TV: Emma Willis... the Nashville finale... comic Tom
Cotter (America’s Got Talent)... The Returned – creepier than
ROT on TV: Eye Spy – something beginning with crap... All-Star
Mr & Mrs – few stars, mostly misses... dozy Daisy Donovan...
Your Face Sounds Familiar – stars in their eyes, shit in their
*THE Voice finale was very much like C4’s Man With the Ten-Stone
Testicles; all balls. Matt shouldn’t have been first out, and
the best voice didn’t win. Loopy Leah was robbed.
*TOP three reasons why The Voice is better than X Factor:
1) the judges can sing 2) Holly’s necklines plunge like the
show’s ratings 3) None of that “We’ll make you a star” cobblers.
*DAWN French is a judge on Australia's Got Talent. She’s got
the XXL Factor.
*IF you enjoyed The Man With The 10-Stone Testicles don’t
miss the follow-up, The Woman With The Six Foot Vagina, also
known as the Richard & Judy story.
*THE surgeon removed 132.5lbs of excess testicles. The giant
amputated balls were last seen chasing Harrison Ford through
*RICKY’s weepy poem for Jess on TOWIE stank like Arg’s khazi
after a night on the Guinness. Here’s what he should have said:
‘Why do you care that I had an affair?/Our relationship’s fake
and we’re both on the make/I’ll do it again, like all Essex
men/Cos we’re told who to screw by ITV2.’
*ALEX the Vampire lost out in The Apprentice ready-meals task.
But in fairness he normally only eats blood sausage after dark
(definitely no garlic). He called his bizarre Spag bol/prawn
combo ‘Deadly Dinners’. Presumably Salmonella Surprise was taken.
*ALEX used the Welsh term ‘Popty Ping’ for microwave; for
Popped-it-in see Jordan and Luisa.
*MAD Men and Mad Dogs have ended; but there’s always Mad Cows
– Loose Women every bloody weekday.
*ITV’s Secrets From The Workhouse: Who Do You Think... they
nicked this idea from?
SMALL Joys of TV: Sikh stuntmen the Warriors Of Goja (The
Greatest Shows On Earth). Stanley Townsend (Mad Dogs). Dan undergoing
Big Brother’s blindfold challenge.
RANDOM irritations: dumbed-down Horizon voice-overs more suited
to a Cadbury’s Flake ad. Killjoys complaining about Holly’s
cleavage. The widespread use of the nonsensical phrase “Are
you joking me?” BBC Glasto overkill – 296 crew, 250 hours of
SEPARATED at birth: golfer Rory McIlroy and Bill & Ben, the
Flowerpot Men... Runners-up: randy undercover cop John Barker
(Dispatches) and Ian Botham – both bowled many a maiden over,
TV Maths: Vinnie Jones + wig + ostrich = Big Brother’s Jemima.
THREE sitcoms TV should revive: 1) Fawlty Towers – the cast
are all alive; Cleese needs the money. It couldn’t be any worse
than Ab-Fab... 2) The Grimleys – ditto. 3) Operation Good Guys
– only now the hero cops go undercover(s) and knock up political
*THEY’D never bring back Till Death Us Do Part, although I
feel that Alf Garnett’s calm and rational thoughts on Islamism,
modern politicians, pink weddings and the EU would add much
to the gaiety of the nation.
*TV Name of the week: Aaron Reeks, bin collection campaigner.
*MICHAELA Strachan was talking about birds on Springwatch
when she said: “Great tits are bound to bring us great drama.”
Although Kirsty on EastEnders suggests otherwise...
June 23. STROPPY Sallie was the first out of Big Brother.
She left with all the good grace of Rab C. Nesbitt getting evicted
from a free bar. Even when she knew that Michael was really
an actor, the self-centred madam kept mouthing off at him like
a frustrated fishwife. The girl’s got more class than brain-cells,
which isn’t saying much. Sallie’s look is not so much Made In
Chelsea as Laid By Chelsea FC reserves. Michael’s finest moment
was when he told her: “Put your arse and your side boobs away.”
Sallie was rightly voted Most Argumentative Housemate by viewers,
while poor soft-headed Wolfy was deemed Least Attractive and
Least Hygienic. This annoyed me as Most Hopelessly Loopy wasn’t
even an option. The woman talks to birds, fish, even insects.
On Wednesday, dippy hippy Wolfy convinced ex-cop Dan to chat
to a bug and ask it “What do you have to teach me?” The bug
telepathically assured Dan that his suspicions about house shenanigans
were bang-on (not its actual words, I’m paraphrasing). It knew,
explained Wolfy, because insects have been on earth longer than
humans. At this point, even Paula Hamilton must have been thinking:
“Man, this girl is weird.”
If you really could talk to flies, though, what would they
say? “Must eat, must crap” – it’d be like talking to the twins...
Wolfy also claims to have a spirit animal inside her (possibly
a manatee). The woman is as mad as a fruit-bat. How do I know?
A little bird told me... Sadly her Doolittle-like powers didn’t
enable her to spot the large Irish mole in their midst. People
have criticised Michael’s acting ability, which is unfair, he’s
easily as good as anyone on Hollyoaks.
Detective Dan saw through him right from the start. It’s just
a shame Big Bro didn’t screen the reveal on Dan’s brow, the
bloke has got more forehead than Ant McPartlin. So which nuisance
should we evict next? Jemima Puddle-head, 71, Dexter or spoilt-brat
Gina would work for me. It’s a shame we just can’t vote to evict
Emma Willis out of her blouse.
THE gruesome Gina was also responsible for the week’s most
unpleasant incident, playing the race card when poor Jemima,
71, expressed an innocent liking for Mediterranean geezers.
“Clearly you’re racist,” Gina asserted. Jemima was pulled in
by the PC producers and warned that her personal preferences
were “unacceptable” and “potentially offensive” (to nitwits).
A formal warning for thought-crime followed. Really? So if someone
says they have a thing for red-heads they must be prejudiced
against the Inuit? Will gentlemen who prefer blondes be hauled
off to compulsory diversity training? I’d have called Gina to
the diary room and told her to grow up.
*SALLIE rowed with Gina who also rowed with Jemima... who
was the big winner? Sam! Being deaf never felt luckier.
*CONGRATS to last night’s winner of The Voice. I’m sure they’ll
do at least as well as last year’s winner, what’s-her-name.
THEY had to set up dating websites on The Apprentice. Cupid
stunts abounded. Jason’s team targeted the over-50s with a site
called Friendship & Flowers which sounded more suited to the
recently bereaved. They should have called it Hope & Viagra,
or Floozies For The Snoozy, Woosie & Not Too Choosy... which
might have guaranteed on-line traffic. Nice-guy Jason was hopelessly
indecisive, and so spineless that he let loudmouth Luisa overthrow
him as team leader. It was like swapping hay fever for IBS.
How annoying is this woman? Put it this way, if Charles Saachi
shook her warmly by the throat, Nigella would be cheering him
on. If she waltzed into Walford, she’d blend right in. They
still lost – despite vampire Alex playing a revolting oddball
in the rival team’s advert (no acting required). The only way
they’d have done worse is if they’d got Margaret Mountford back
to star in their over-50s lonely-loins love ad with Nick Hewer.
Imagine! Her withering looks of disapproval, him screwing up
his face like he’s got one of Wolfy’s talking flies up his hooter...
it’d kill romance stone dead. And certainly put you off suggesting
the old reverse pterodactyl.
*SHOCKING pictures of Saachi and his fragrant missus. Tsk.
If I had the job of choking Nigella, I wouldn’t have done it
NO-ONE on The White Queen is keen on Lady Elizabeth – except
Edward IV. To his Mum and his wingman Warwick, she’s as welcome
as a fat bird in Abercrombie. This £25million series is a Mills
& Boon take on the War Of The Roses – history as backdrop to
romantic codswallop. Liz, a Yorkist widow, meets Ed, the Lancastrian
King. Naturally, it’s love at first sight. But Liz isn’t easy.
She spurns his advances, ignoring his pleading “I may die in
battle” (knights’ chat-up line #57), and fights off his charming
rape attempt. He marries her, of course.
HOT on TV: Justified (5USA)... Olate Dogs (America’s Got Talent)...
Operation Snow Tiger... Anne Charrier (Maison Close).
ROT on TV: The White Queen – game of yawns... Hollywood Me
– despicable dross... Great Wall Of Comedy – demolish it...
Touch – as confusing as Fathers’ Day in Weatherfield.
HOLLYWOOD Me is an insipid mash-up of Changing Rooms and Ten
Years Younger – ‘deserving’ mum is whisked away to LA for cosmetic
treatments she’d didn’t need, while her house gets a makeover.
“It’s all about giving someone a slice of the dreeeeam,” insisted
camp monstrosity Martyn Lawrence Bullard. Hmm. In my dreeeeam
an angry mum gives him a knuckle sandwich, and C4 pull the plug
on this patronising old cobblers.
*IT could be worse, you could get the David Platt sledgehammer
make-over: Weatherfield Me.
*BULLARD: half dullard, half bullshit.
*ITV is reviving Birds Of A Feather. Lesley Joseph says that
people remember the show fondly because the standard of scripts
didn’t deteriorate. That’s true. They started off ropey and
*TV disappointments: Scientologists At War – not a patch on
cage-fighting. How To Find Love On Line – where was Jason Manford?
*TOWIE update: Diags has “‘the best arse in Essex”, Mario
is still the biggest arse in Essex.
*JENIFER Aniston cooks naked! Wow. Finally a reason to watch
Celebrity Come Dine With Me...
*WHEN will Long Lost Family track down Ken Barlow?
*BRITAIN & Ireland’s Next Top Model: BINTS, mmm.
SMALL Joys of TV: Miss BumBum contestants (Greatest Show On
Earth) . Dancer/contortionist Turf (America’s Got Talent). Rick
Stein’s India. Jacquetta vs Duchess Cecily (The White Queen).
RANDOM irritations: TV news (or anyone) taking Met Office
predictions seriously. Posh scrounger Harry Wallop. BBC2’s bizarre
belief that making documentary shows ‘Live’ makes them exciting
– Airport Live, like Volcano, Lambing and Stargazing, proves
SEPARATED at birth: Dexter Koh and the young Alan Partridge,
one a laughably deluded nitwit, the other a sitcom creation.
TV Maths 1: Carol Smillie + Rod Hull = Jackie (Big Brother).
Runners-up: George Clooney + Morrissey = Martyn Lawrence Bullard.
BIG Brother’s Sophie was talking about sleeping next to the
toilet when she said: “All night I’ve had everyone in and out,
in and out.” But her Dad’s a Canning Town scrap dealer so if
you think we should make smart remarks about it, you first...
June 20. R.I.P. James Gandolfini, the wonderful actor who breathed
three-dimensional life into Tony Soprano in The Sopranos, the
greatest TV drama ever made. Gandolfini made the New Jersey
mob boss charismatic and charming as well as selfish, crafty,
brutal and terrifyingly believable. He and the show made us
realise TV could tell better stories than the movies. Bada bye,
June 16. A GREAT twist on this year’s Big Brother; one of
the housemates is pretending to be something he isn’t – as opposed
to all of them. Yes, Irish Michael is actually a professional
actor sent in to cause chaos. He’s already trashed their luggage
leaving them about as happy as Brian Dowling watching from home.
If nothing else he’d have a grand future as a baggage handler
at Luton airport.
I’d be amazed if Michael is the only one trading in secrets
and lies though. For starters gold-digger Jemima Slade claims
to be ‘41’ – maybe in dog years – and says she works as a Sarah
Jessica Parker lookalike, possibly down coal mines. Self-confessed
fish-breathed lesbian Wolfie could definitely double for a young
Sam Kinison. Wolfie talks to dumb animals, so she’ll get on
well with Jack and Joe, the Tweedledum twins. They’re like the
Greggs version of Jedward. Imagine two James Cordens with their
humour genes removed. I reckon their secret is they were born
triplets and have eaten the other one.
Then there’s Sallie, 26, a “tomboy glamour girl” with more
side boobage than Emma Watson. Her secret? She’s a virgin. (I’m
kidding). Sallie has more cellulite than a Sumo convention and
makes Jodie Marsh seem classy. Callum is far too polite/quiet
to be here. He could be a great wit but there’s probably more
chance of seeing Bianca Jackson’s brats pop up on Child Genius.
Londoner Sophie, 21, is a karate black belt. So let’s hope she
uses her skills on former male escort Dexter soon.
Friday night’s second in-take included an ex-cop. If he’s
here looking for the micro-celebrity perverts of the future
he could be in luck. Lovely Emma Willis is a distinct improvement
on the last presenter and almost as feminine. Emma described
the re-built house as “up-cycled chic” which probably means
they bought the furniture on eBay from Sally Bercow.
*SMALL joys of the opening night: Joe nearly falling down
the stairs. Emma’s mic looking like it came from Sex Toy Stories,
Sophie’s Canning Town accent – BBC1 take note, this is what
the East End sounds like!
THE thing about modern aliens is they’re lazy. Years ago they
built pyramids and Mayan temples. Now they settle for hiding
people’s fags. On Confessions Of An Alien Abductee, Chantelle
revealed that cheeky alien greys conceal her ciggies for a laugh...
we’re talking close encounters of the Beadle kind. Chantelle,
who looks like Audrey Roberts’ love-child and clearly has free
access to Bet Lynch’s wardrobe, revealed that she generally
gets abducted after getting in a KFC take-away. Well who wouldn’t
travel thousands of light years for a tasty zinger burger? Another
abductee, Labour councillor Simon Parkes from Whitby, confessed
that he’d fathered an alien tot. Why would ET settle for snatching
these nitwits rather than top earth scientists or Rachel Riley?
Well you couldn’t see Tory backbenchers approving human-alien
marriages in the current climate, whereas Labour already has
a half-Klingon leader in Ed Miliband. There are a lot of potential
voters in Alpha Centuri.
*TO understand abductees I spent a night in the park waiting
to get sucked up by an exotic creature. My case comes up on
SEX Toy Stories has got women buzzing. You can’t blame them
for wanting to design their own pleasure devices. The ones blokes
come up with tend to look like something you’d use to smash
concrete. That’s the Corporal Jones range – they don’t like
it up ’em.
*BIG Mo’s vibrator turned up one week on Game Of Thrones -
as a battering ram. Pat Butcher’s required a rope start and
HOT on TV: Banshee (Sky Atlantic)... Mad Dogs (Sky1)... The
Returned (C4)... Pollyanna Woodward (The Gadget Show, C5).
ROT on TV: The Fall finale – cop out!... Up The Women – down
the pan... Britain’s Secret Homes – jerry-built... The Voice
– too long, too wrong, and it can’t even guarantee a hit.
THE Returned is about people mysteriously coming back from
the dead. They got the idea from soaps: first Bobby Ewing, then
Dirty Den; Cindy Beale turned up in Corrie, Kathy Beale’s in
Hollyoaks... No sign of Len Fairclough yet. I think Yewtree
*CAROL Jackson is going through the change, which means she’ll
be moody, miserable and grumpy... we’ll never tell the difference.
*QUICK EastEnders head count: Peter Beale’s had six, Lucy
four, Janine three, Lauren two... (That’s really going through
*NO Walford kids on Child Genius, although in fairness they
always get positive results in the pregnancy tests.
*SIMON Cowell’s talent scouts worked really hard this year.
They found two of the BGT finalists on old Big Big Talent Show
videos, one at Pride Of Britain and the winners on Hungary’s
*WHAT about that egg-thrower? Amanda was so angry about it
that her face almost moved... Natalie was a visionary, though.
Cowell should arm the entire front row next year. Let’s see
how long some berk dancing with a broom lasts under an avalanche
of rotting fruit and veg.
THE Greeks closed down their state broadcaster this week.
I’m not suggesting we do the same but after the BBC blew £1billion
of our money on moving to Salford, another billion on New Broadcasting
House and £100mill on failed digital technology it’s certainly
time to sack the bosses.
*JOEY has dumped Sam on TOWIE for “disrespecting” his family.
Yeah, she visited their donkey sanctuary and didn’t even feed
them a carrot.
SMALL Joys of TV: Alien abductee Chantelle. Howard Stern (America’s
Got Talent). BBC4 soul night. Steve Hewlett, BGT. Wheelchair
comedian Jack Carroll’s response to being called ‘runner-up’:
“It’s a bit insensitive.”
RANDOM irritations: The BGT judges – clichéd, gushing and
bereft of insight. David ‘me-me-me’ Walliams. Kurt getting in
trouble on The Apprentice for using Leah as “eye-candy.” Really?
Why do you think she’s on the show in the first place? She’s
a GP, not a business woman!
*NEVER mind eye-candy, Katie Hopkins looked like she’d had
All-Sorts. Luisa definitely needs a gobstopper...
SEPARATED at birth: Hercule Poirot and Zebedee, one a short-arsed
moustachioed irritant who pops up when you’re least expecting
him, the other a character from The Magic Roundabout.
TV Maths: Toyah Battersby + Kris Akabusi = The Tokoloshe on
June 9. MAD Dogs is not so much a drama, more a reason to chuck
away your passport and book a fortnight’s holiday in Bognor
Regis. It started with four mates popping over to Majorca for
an old pal’s retirement party. Cue murder, mayhem, drug money
and the Serbian mafia, which was enough to harsh anyone’s mellow.
Two years on, after surviving kidnap in Ibiza, corrupt cops
and a Moroccan prison, the four chumps are on the run in South
Africa. The show is like the worst ever series of Coach Trip.
A weekend in a Syrian toxic gas plant can’t be too far away...
And just when you start to wonder how much more contrived
it can get, Rick has attracted a malignant pygmy tribesman caked
in war-paint (kind of half John Bercow, half Chloe Sims.) Is
he tripping, going nuts or genuinely seeing an evil spirit?
Cris Cole’s scripts really keep you guessing... generally about
whether he’s on LSD or skunk.
So why should care? Well, for starters, the cast are terrific
– Phil Glenister, Max Beesley, John Simm and Marc Warren bring
the unfortunate four to life. The direction is classy; the dialogue
feels real. And their tormenters are inspired – particularly
the short-arsed killer in a Tony Blair mask, nicknamed Tiny
Blair, in series one. Series three started with our accidental
convicts wearing orange jumpsuits, banged up in cells strewn
with ‘I heart bin Laden’ graffiti. But this was Morocco, not
Guantanamo, and the only other prisoner was a gobby bird called
A unisex Arab choky seems about as likely as the local interrogator
wearing a Marks & Spencer shirt. “Extremists don’t shop at M&S
do they?” asked Rick. No mate, Bin Sherman, Jihad Sports or
House Of Fatwa.
Even less plausibly, the camp was apparently run by British
Intelligence. Embassy man Alex explained that a corrupt secret
branch of the CIA wanted them dead. They were cleared without
trial and released but their jeep conked out, their driver scarpered
and someone started shooting at them. Rescued by Alex, they
were told to abandon their families and flown to South Africa
where they had to split up for their own safety... The real
reason to keep watching is to see how on earth Cole makes any
of this enjoyable tosh remotely believable.
OVER on The Apprentice, Francesca was promising “If I go down,
I’ll go down in flames.” Stunt fellatio! There was no call for
that on Britain’s Got Talent last night. Not till the after-show
party at any rate. A dull week wasn’t helped by Sugar firing
Rebecca instead of Luisa, a woman whose gob is connected directly
to her arse, missing her brain altogether.
DIDN’T I tell you Attraction would win Britain’s Got Talent?
Although on the night I thought the egg-chucker might have nicked
it. More on the final next week, but teenage comic Jack Carroll
definitely deserved second place. Memo to ITV: don’t over-expose
him and burn him up too quickly.
BRUCE Forsyth is getting ready for Glastonbury; he’ll be breaking
in some old material. Bruce got so excited Wilnelia thought
he’d be up for an early night but turned out it was just early
on-set rigor mortis. It isn’t Bruce’s first Glasto. The last
time he was there he opened for King Arthur.
IT’S a shame the Mad Dogs team didn’t script The Only Way
Is Marbs. They could have had that vain Muppet Mario kidnapped
and tortured until he broke down and admitted: “Yes, I am a
cock.” Instead Lucy drenched him in red wine, which was completely
out of order. There’s never a good reason to waste wine. Wayne
Lineker, Gary’s brother, turned up to put the barbs in Marbs.
He told the lovely Chloe: “You’re not my type... You look like
an Essex girl.” Really? An Essex girl on TOWIE? There’s a turn-up.
Wayne calls himself a silver fox, although other f words suit
him better. Elsewhere it was all swimwear, cocktails and fake
tans. But what else is faked? Were Joey’s tears actually as
real as his sister Frankie’s 34Es? Is he secretly a brilliant
actor with a MENSA level IQ as some conspiracy theorists claim?
Does gut-bucket Arg really want to get back with joy-vacuum
Gemma? And if Gem keeps holding in her thunderous farts in front
of Rami will she eventually explode? We can but hope.
HOT on TV: Game Of Thrones – the greatest massacre since Brazil
v China... Keri Russell (The Americans)... Steve Hewlett’s Simon
Cowell puppet – its face was more life-like than Cowell’s.
ROT on TV: David Walliams: A Snapshot In Time – more like
A Warning From History... Jo Brand (Comedy Gala) – same old,
same old... Phoebe (Made In Chelsea) – spoilt, stuck-up and
OH gawd, EastEnders fell back on the old ‘animals hilariously
on the loose’ gambit. Their great snake escape was as funny
as Big Mo’s turkey or Roxy’s parrot, which is to say it wasn’t
funny at all. If the writers spent less time recycling past
cobblers and more time watching quality drama their plots might
be a little more inspired. The next Walford wedding should try
a twist of Game Of Thrones and have the throats of the entire
wretched Moon clan cut during the reception. Now that’s entertainment.
*AT least Bobby’s snake distracted us from Dad Ian’s latest
business botch-up. Beale is Britain’s worst entrepreneur. If
Peter Jones met him he’d kick him in the nuts.
DEV, Corrie’s corner shop Colombo, is deconstructing Sunita’s
murder like a pro, leaving Karl sweating like a middle-lane
hogging motorway driver with a parcel from Tulisa in the glove
compartment. I can’t wait for Karl to get collared. Poor Stella
will be so shocked her original accent might come back.
*HOW did Roy Cropper miss the Street’s biggest rats – Rob
and Tracy? As evil alliances go, they’re up there with Google
and child porn.
*SERIOUS questions: why is Norris Cole the only person on
TV discussing capital punishment? Why hasn’t a single channel
got the nous to screen brilliant Breaking Bad?
*TV NAME of the week: Mustafa Koc. Which I believe is Arabic
for Kat Moon...
SMALL Joys of TV: Honey Boo Boo’s hippo-sized mum on a water
slide – even Gok Wan wouldn’t want to see that naked. Mechanical
Marvels: Clockwork Dreams. The Maverick flying car (Gadget Show).
Weathergirl Georgina Burnett. Nev Wilshire (The Call Centre)
– Dafydd Brent.
RANDOM irritations: Alesha’s laugh – like a clapped-out car
trying to rev up on a frosty morning. Tipping Point – makes
me want to play Whac A Mole with whatever berk commissioned
it. Bookers on Later overlooking great young bands like Missing
Andy and Buster Shuffle.
SEPARATED at birth: Drew Pritchard, Salvage Hunter, and Andy
Capp, one a slightly dodgy chancer in a flat cap... and so’s
the other one.
TV Maths: Frank Sidebottom + Dracula = Alex Mills (The Apprentice).
KATIE Price was talking about Francine Lewis’s impressions
when she told Steven Mulhern: “When I knew Francine she always
tried to do me, but I’m really hard to do.” Unfortunately my
punch-line has been eaten by the lawyers.
June 2. On Britain’s Got Talent teenage comic Jack Carroll
compared Simon Cowell to Kim Jong-un. This was extremely unfair...
on the North Korean dictator. He might be a deranged nutcase,
but at least Kim has never tried to tell us some nitwit dancing
with a broom was entertainment. A kid bouncing balls, maybe...
Some acts in semi-finals week seemed more like refugees from
Community Care than the fresh faces of modern variety. Old ITV
talent show Pot Of Gold used to wheel on deluded wannabes for
a quick laugh. Cowell elevates them to the status of actual
contenders. Cue two men in dresses, one with a moustache, singing
light opera on floral swings... Camp yes, but not good camp.
Eurovision gave us Aliona Moon in a giant lava lamp dress –
a bit more impressive than a big Dutch fella throwing a little
woman up in the air. Or a short hamster-faced woman impersonating
Average singers and dull dance troupes abounded. Even the
allegedly great acts weren’t up to much. Alice Fredenham – the
favourite for wild card pass back to the final - mucked up her
dreary rendition of ‘Cry Me A River’ and was lavished with praise.
We were told her voice was “liquid platinum”, “old school Hollywood”
and “majestical” – which isn’t even a word. Talent show judges
shouldn’t be telling semi-final contenders that their mistakes
don’t matter, as Cowell’s clowns frequently did, because they
DO! Too many acts were over-produced but under-rehearsed. Brucie
is right about young kids too. Jack Carroll is naturally funny,
but he was less convincing the second time around and needs
more time to develop his act away from the cameras.
The self-regard of the judges expands in inverse proportion
to the quality of the turns. Amanda and Alesha have sod-all
to say, Walliams has no critical judgement and even Simon’s
brutal honesty seems blunted. The result is an undercooked mishmash.
Shadow dancers Attraction are clear favourites to win next Saturday,
proving conclusively that Hungary’s Got Talent. Richard and
Adam will probably come second. Isn’t it odd that Cowell loves
old-fashioned singers but insists comedians have to be “cutting
edge”? Previous TV talent shows broke household name comics
– Freddie Starr, Victoria Wood, Frank Carson - Simon never will.
BGT needs new talent scouts, new judges, and better direction;
but most of all it needs a rest. Like the Hangover films, the
more it comes back the less there is to like.
THERE are just six days until the grand final. Woo-hoo! That’s
plenty of time for the acts to rehearse, and for Simon to get
some buttons sewn on his shirt.
*HOT acts on BGT: the Luminites, Steve Hewlett, Francine Lewis.
Best double act: J-Lo’s buttocks. Such a shame Cowell chose
a singer over brilliant ventriloquist Steve Hewlett last night.
But he had to do it, he only had five singers in the final already.
THE scariest sight on TV? Audiences on Confessions Of A Male
Stripper. These hen parties would chill the blood of the Household
Cavalry. Never mind a willie pump, a man would need ten pints
of Stella before venturing out in front of them; even if he
had the sort of appendage that could tickle a woman’s spleen.
And some of these Dreamboys did! I’d swear one of their assets
had its own elbow. Agency boss David Richards works above a
butchers shop but gets annoyed if anyone suggests it’s all about
sausage. “It’s about entertaining people... not about getting
your willie out!” he moaned, although the blokes get paid extra
if they do. The fellas all looked the same – vain and tanned
with abs like house bricks... proving that female fantasies
are just as shallow as blokes’ are said to be.
*FEMININSTS always say stripping demeans women. How does that
work? Men leave strip-clubs broke, drunk and frustrated. If
they touch a stripper they’re thrown out. In contrast we saw
the hens grope, claw and snog their Dreamboys. It’s a tough
job. I start tomorrow.
BBC2’s The Iraq War raised more questions than it answered.
If Saddam had no WMD, wasn’t involved in 9/11 and had no stomach
for war with the West, then why were we there? What did 179
British soldiers and 4,500 Yanks actually die for? Worth considering
when we hear today’s politicians try to drum us into a new Sunni-Shia
conflict in Syria.
*WILLIAM Hague’s call to back the Syrian rebels is bonkers.
They are Islamists. If they were in the UK, he’d be trying (and
failing) to deport them.
THEY were in Dubai buying items for a fancy hotel on The Apprentice.
Zee, who claimed he knew the city well, told his team that a
mahogany Oud was a scent. It turned out to be a wooden stringed
instrument. I’m not sure that the sweet smell of wood is what
women want, outside of a Dreamboys gig at any rate. Zee saw
himself as Napoleon, forgetting that Bonaparte lost and died
alone of a peptic ulcer... which by coincidence is exactly what
you’d get if you spent much time with Luisa. She packed a very
small bikini but didn’t get to wear it. A shame, I’m told the
prisons are very clean out there.
*KURT got his inches and centimetres mixed up and came up
with a flag the size of a handkerchief. It’s also the reason
he won’t get the male stripper job.
HOT on TV: Froch vs Kessler... The Americans... Les Dawson:
An Audience That Never Was... Francine Lewis and the Luminites
ROT on TV: Britain’s Got Talent – but this ain’t it... Up
The Women – down with piss-poor BBC comedy... Psychobitches...
The Voice – shut it.
AFTER Les Dawson, will ITV resurrect other dead comedy heroes
as holograms? Peter Cook, Max Miller and Spike Milligan would
work for me. And there is enough unseen Bob Monkhouse footage,
plus sparkling live slots from the Palladium, to make a hell
of a show. But how many greats could they get through before
a holographic copper from Operation Yewtree turned up?
WILL the success of Embarrassing Bodies inspire drama spin-offs?
Maybe Randall & Hopkirk Diseased, Game Of Piles, Plague School,
London’s Scratching , Ready Steady Cock...
*24 is coming back for just 12 episodes. Blimey, how bad have
things got when even Jack Bauer is working part time?
*LOUIS Walsh will get £1million to appear on X Factor. Wow.
That’s £250K for each of his clichés.
Ex X Factor judge Tulisa got caught setting up a cocaine deal.
She made that line her own. Unconfirmed reports say she did
it for her Nan; and it was an incredible journey.
SMALL Joys of TV: Alesha’s legs. Leah Totten’s Elvis lips.
Otis Redding Soul Ambassador. Steve McDonald’s crop - he looks
like the lost Madness roadie. Kim Fox’s migraine-inducing tracksuits
– seemingly made from curtains in a suburban brothel.
RANDOM irritations: BGT judges spouting clichés. Attention-seeking
nitwit David Walliams storming off More Talent. Apprentice losers
leaving by taxi – BBC1’s cab bill must cost more than a Sally
Bercow tweet. Sugar should leave ’em queuing for a night bus.
SEPARATED at birth: Hilary Mantel and a Slitheen – one a terrifying
other-worldly creature, the other a Doctor Who monster. Runners-up:
Lara Morgan (You’re Fired) and a cigar store Indian.
TV maths: Harry Styles + Mick Jagger = young Richard Branson.
STEPHEN Mulhern was talking about Ant & Dec’s ‘fairground
fantasy’ rivalry on More Talent when he announced: “Over the
last few weeks you’ve been beating each other off.” Although
if he’d said it about David and Simon...