June 30. Shock scenes on EastEnders as Lauren the Lush turned up at Abi’s party, as yellow as a smoker’s lung, and promptly collapsed. I was so traumatized by her ordeal I needed a drink. It’s a miracle her liver has lasted this long. After trying to kill her dad, Lauren experienced a traumatic head transplant and has been knocking them back like a Pogue on tour for at least two years. The girl makes Phil look like a lightweight. Her bedroom had more empties than a bottle bank. Even her hospital drip came with ice and a slice of lemon.

Lauren was rushed to Walford General and diagnosed with acute alcoholic hepatitis. Waiting in a corridor for the diagnosis, Max like any concerned father took the opportunity to fondle his ex-wife’s knee... On Friday, he suggested that he and Tanya get back together – despite being married to Kirsty, a woman who looks like she’s got the Mitchell bruvvas bursting out of her vest.

Tan was fleeing the Square behind his back, until Abi grassed her up. She insisted that she had to take Lauren away, blaming her boozing on Max’s rampant infidelity (conveniently skating over her family’s long association with the bottle) and their volatile lurv. “You’re my drug,” she told him. Yeah, crap-cocaine. ‘My Craving For Human Baked Bean’? Even Jeremy Kyle wouldn’t wear that.

When Kirsty arrived, tanked up, Max dumped her. Tanya is the true love of his life of course, despite the small matter of her once romantically BURYING HIM ALIVE.

Tan had the taxi waiting outside and they hadn’t even packed. It was okay though because like no woman you’ve ever met she managed to get all of her clothes, and Oscar’s, in a case barely big enough for one of Abi’s Disney princess party gowns. Tanya left her business, her daughter and her shoes. She has nowhere to live. Sensible. And yet by soap tradition, we know that she’ll now be immediately forgotten. No-one mentions departed relatives; no-one asks Bianca: “How’s your Liam, is he still listening to Little Mix?” Or “Was that your Ricky I saw on Strictly Come Dancing?” Marge Green went on a world cruise in 1990 and never came back. No-one ever missed her.

*THE week’s funniest moment? Abi bollocking Alfie and AJ for drinking cans of lager. To calm her down they took her down the pub!

*THOSE Branning party games in full: Musical Beers, Drop-Scotch, Pass the Poulsard, Snakes & Lagers, Pissed Chase, Squeak Piggy Squeak if you need a top-up...

BIG Brother hit vintage form as Dan and Jemima rowed over her dead daughter, who isn’t. Jem was playing misery trumps with Jackie who revealed that daughter Charlie had “had a cyst the size of a football... only one ovary... she saw her grandma die in front of her... ” “My daughter died in front of me,” Jemima retorted. “On the ground in front of me. I had to resuscitate her... ” When Dan pointed out that she hadn’t actually died, Jem got the hump. Her voice, already shrill and grating, got so high that only Joe Pasquale and passing dogs could hear her. On Wednesday Big Bro sent in vampires. They looked nearly as terrifying as Gina does in the morning without make-up. Terrible scenes of AJ Odudu acting ensued. Half the housemates were put in quarantine, starved and subjected to tortures. Dan was blindfolded and touched by what he thought were a tarantula, a snake and leeches (actually a pineapple, a bog brush and jelly). Hilariously, the ex-cop screamed like a girl.

HOT on TV: Emma Willis... the Nashville finale... comic Tom Cotter (America’s Got Talent)... The Returned – creepier than Michael Moon.

ROT on TV: Eye Spy – something beginning with crap... All-Star Mr & Mrs – few stars, mostly misses... dozy Daisy Donovan... Your Face Sounds Familiar – stars in their eyes, shit in their ears.

*THE Voice finale was very much like C4’s Man With the Ten-Stone Testicles; all balls. Matt shouldn’t have been first out, and the best voice didn’t win. Loopy Leah was robbed.

*TOP three reasons why The Voice is better than X Factor: 1) the judges can sing 2) Holly’s necklines plunge like the show’s ratings 3) None of that “We’ll make you a star” cobblers.

*DAWN French is a judge on Australia's Got Talent. She’s got the XXL Factor.

*IF you enjoyed The Man With The 10-Stone Testicles don’t miss the follow-up, The Woman With The Six Foot Vagina, also known as the Richard & Judy story.

*THE surgeon removed 132.5lbs of excess testicles. The giant amputated balls were last seen chasing Harrison Ford through a jungle.

*RICKY’s weepy poem for Jess on TOWIE stank like Arg’s khazi after a night on the Guinness. Here’s what he should have said: ‘Why do you care that I had an affair?/Our relationship’s fake and we’re both on the make/I’ll do it again, like all Essex men/Cos we’re told who to screw by ITV2.’

*ALEX the Vampire lost out in The Apprentice ready-meals task. But in fairness he normally only eats blood sausage after dark (definitely no garlic). He called his bizarre Spag bol/prawn combo ‘Deadly Dinners’. Presumably Salmonella Surprise was taken.

*ALEX used the Welsh term ‘Popty Ping’ for microwave; for Popped-it-in see Jordan and Luisa.

*MAD Men and Mad Dogs have ended; but there’s always Mad Cows – Loose Women every bloody weekday.

*ITV’s Secrets From The Workhouse: Who Do You Think... they nicked this idea from?

SMALL Joys of TV: Sikh stuntmen the Warriors Of Goja (The Greatest Shows On Earth). Stanley Townsend (Mad Dogs). Dan undergoing Big Brother’s blindfold challenge.

RANDOM irritations: dumbed-down Horizon voice-overs more suited to a Cadbury’s Flake ad. Killjoys complaining about Holly’s cleavage. The widespread use of the nonsensical phrase “Are you joking me?” BBC Glasto overkill – 296 crew, 250 hours of coverage? Gertcha.

SEPARATED at birth: golfer Rory McIlroy and Bill & Ben, the Flowerpot Men... Runners-up: randy undercover cop John Barker (Dispatches) and Ian Botham – both bowled many a maiden over, allegedly.

TV Maths: Vinnie Jones + wig + ostrich = Big Brother’s Jemima.

THREE sitcoms TV should revive: 1) Fawlty Towers – the cast are all alive; Cleese needs the money. It couldn’t be any worse than Ab-Fab... 2) The Grimleys – ditto. 3) Operation Good Guys – only now the hero cops go undercover(s) and knock up political activists.

*THEY’D never bring back Till Death Us Do Part, although I feel that Alf Garnett’s calm and rational thoughts on Islamism, modern politicians, pink weddings and the EU would add much to the gaiety of the nation.

*TV Name of the week: Aaron Reeks, bin collection campaigner.

*MICHAELA Strachan was talking about birds on Springwatch when she said: “Great tits are bound to bring us great drama.” Although Kirsty on EastEnders suggests otherwise...

June 23. STROPPY Sallie was the first out of Big Brother. She left with all the good grace of Rab C. Nesbitt getting evicted from a free bar. Even when she knew that Michael was really an actor, the self-centred madam kept mouthing off at him like a frustrated fishwife. The girl’s got more class than brain-cells, which isn’t saying much. Sallie’s look is not so much Made In Chelsea as Laid By Chelsea FC reserves. Michael’s finest moment was when he told her: “Put your arse and your side boobs away.”

Sallie was rightly voted Most Argumentative Housemate by viewers, while poor soft-headed Wolfy was deemed Least Attractive and Least Hygienic. This annoyed me as Most Hopelessly Loopy wasn’t even an option. The woman talks to birds, fish, even insects. On Wednesday, dippy hippy Wolfy convinced ex-cop Dan to chat to a bug and ask it “What do you have to teach me?” The bug telepathically assured Dan that his suspicions about house shenanigans were bang-on (not its actual words, I’m paraphrasing). It knew, explained Wolfy, because insects have been on earth longer than humans. At this point, even Paula Hamilton must have been thinking: “Man, this girl is weird.”

If you really could talk to flies, though, what would they say? “Must eat, must crap” – it’d be like talking to the twins...

Wolfy also claims to have a spirit animal inside her (possibly a manatee). The woman is as mad as a fruit-bat. How do I know? A little bird told me... Sadly her Doolittle-like powers didn’t enable her to spot the large Irish mole in their midst. People have criticised Michael’s acting ability, which is unfair, he’s easily as good as anyone on Hollyoaks.

Detective Dan saw through him right from the start. It’s just a shame Big Bro didn’t screen the reveal on Dan’s brow, the bloke has got more forehead than Ant McPartlin. So which nuisance should we evict next? Jemima Puddle-head, 71, Dexter or spoilt-brat Gina would work for me. It’s a shame we just can’t vote to evict Emma Willis out of her blouse.

THE gruesome Gina was also responsible for the week’s most unpleasant incident, playing the race card when poor Jemima, 71, expressed an innocent liking for Mediterranean geezers. “Clearly you’re racist,” Gina asserted. Jemima was pulled in by the PC producers and warned that her personal preferences were “unacceptable” and “potentially offensive” (to nitwits). A formal warning for thought-crime followed. Really? So if someone says they have a thing for red-heads they must be prejudiced against the Inuit? Will gentlemen who prefer blondes be hauled off to compulsory diversity training? I’d have called Gina to the diary room and told her to grow up.

*SALLIE rowed with Gina who also rowed with Jemima... who was the big winner? Sam! Being deaf never felt luckier.

*CONGRATS to last night’s winner of The Voice. I’m sure they’ll do at least as well as last year’s winner, what’s-her-name.

THEY had to set up dating websites on The Apprentice. Cupid stunts abounded. Jason’s team targeted the over-50s with a site called Friendship & Flowers which sounded more suited to the recently bereaved. They should have called it Hope & Viagra, or Floozies For The Snoozy, Woosie & Not Too Choosy... which might have guaranteed on-line traffic. Nice-guy Jason was hopelessly indecisive, and so spineless that he let loudmouth Luisa overthrow him as team leader. It was like swapping hay fever for IBS. How annoying is this woman? Put it this way, if Charles Saachi shook her warmly by the throat, Nigella would be cheering him on. If she waltzed into Walford, she’d blend right in. They still lost – despite vampire Alex playing a revolting oddball in the rival team’s advert (no acting required). The only way they’d have done worse is if they’d got Margaret Mountford back to star in their over-50s lonely-loins love ad with Nick Hewer. Imagine! Her withering looks of disapproval, him screwing up his face like he’s got one of Wolfy’s talking flies up his hooter... it’d kill romance stone dead. And certainly put you off suggesting the old reverse pterodactyl.

*SHOCKING pictures of Saachi and his fragrant missus. Tsk. If I had the job of choking Nigella, I wouldn’t have done it like that...

NO-ONE on The White Queen is keen on Lady Elizabeth – except Edward IV. To his Mum and his wingman Warwick, she’s as welcome as a fat bird in Abercrombie. This £25million series is a Mills & Boon take on the War Of The Roses – history as backdrop to romantic codswallop. Liz, a Yorkist widow, meets Ed, the Lancastrian King. Naturally, it’s love at first sight. But Liz isn’t easy. She spurns his advances, ignoring his pleading “I may die in battle” (knights’ chat-up line #57), and fights off his charming rape attempt. He marries her, of course.

HOT on TV: Justified (5USA)... Olate Dogs (America’s Got Talent)... Operation Snow Tiger... Anne Charrier (Maison Close).

ROT on TV: The White Queen – game of yawns... Hollywood Me – despicable dross... Great Wall Of Comedy – demolish it... Touch – as confusing as Fathers’ Day in Weatherfield.

HOLLYWOOD Me is an insipid mash-up of Changing Rooms and Ten Years Younger – ‘deserving’ mum is whisked away to LA for cosmetic treatments she’d didn’t need, while her house gets a makeover. “It’s all about giving someone a slice of the dreeeeam,” insisted camp monstrosity Martyn Lawrence Bullard. Hmm. In my dreeeeam an angry mum gives him a knuckle sandwich, and C4 pull the plug on this patronising old cobblers.

*IT could be worse, you could get the David Platt sledgehammer make-over: Weatherfield Me.

*BULLARD: half dullard, half bullshit.

*ITV is reviving Birds Of A Feather. Lesley Joseph says that people remember the show fondly because the standard of scripts didn’t deteriorate. That’s true. They started off ropey and never improved.

*TV disappointments: Scientologists At War – not a patch on cage-fighting. How To Find Love On Line – where was Jason Manford?

*TOWIE update: Diags has “‘the best arse in Essex”, Mario is still the biggest arse in Essex.

*JENIFER Aniston cooks naked! Wow. Finally a reason to watch Celebrity Come Dine With Me...

*WHEN will Long Lost Family track down Ken Barlow?

*BRITAIN & Ireland’s Next Top Model: BINTS, mmm.

SMALL Joys of TV: Miss BumBum contestants (Greatest Show On Earth) . Dancer/contortionist Turf (America’s Got Talent). Rick Stein’s India. Jacquetta vs Duchess Cecily (The White Queen).

RANDOM irritations: TV news (or anyone) taking Met Office predictions seriously. Posh scrounger Harry Wallop. BBC2’s bizarre belief that making documentary shows ‘Live’ makes them exciting – Airport Live, like Volcano, Lambing and Stargazing, proves otherwise.

SEPARATED at birth: Dexter Koh and the young Alan Partridge, one a laughably deluded nitwit, the other a sitcom creation.

TV Maths 1: Carol Smillie + Rod Hull = Jackie (Big Brother). Runners-up: George Clooney + Morrissey = Martyn Lawrence Bullard.

BIG Brother’s Sophie was talking about sleeping next to the toilet when she said: “All night I’ve had everyone in and out, in and out.” But her Dad’s a Canning Town scrap dealer so if you think we should make smart remarks about it, you first...

June 20. R.I.P. James Gandolfini, the wonderful actor who breathed three-dimensional life into Tony Soprano in The Sopranos, the greatest TV drama ever made. Gandolfini made the New Jersey mob boss charismatic and charming as well as selfish, crafty, brutal and terrifyingly believable. He and the show made us realise TV could tell better stories than the movies. Bada bye, big guy.

June 16. A GREAT twist on this year’s Big Brother; one of the housemates is pretending to be something he isn’t – as opposed to all of them. Yes, Irish Michael is actually a professional actor sent in to cause chaos. He’s already trashed their luggage leaving them about as happy as Brian Dowling watching from home. If nothing else he’d have a grand future as a baggage handler at Luton airport.

I’d be amazed if Michael is the only one trading in secrets and lies though. For starters gold-digger Jemima Slade claims to be ‘41’ – maybe in dog years – and says she works as a Sarah Jessica Parker lookalike, possibly down coal mines. Self-confessed fish-breathed lesbian Wolfie could definitely double for a young Sam Kinison. Wolfie talks to dumb animals, so she’ll get on well with Jack and Joe, the Tweedledum twins. They’re like the Greggs version of Jedward. Imagine two James Cordens with their humour genes removed. I reckon their secret is they were born triplets and have eaten the other one.

Then there’s Sallie, 26, a “tomboy glamour girl” with more side boobage than Emma Watson. Her secret? She’s a virgin. (I’m kidding). Sallie has more cellulite than a Sumo convention and makes Jodie Marsh seem classy. Callum is far too polite/quiet to be here. He could be a great wit but there’s probably more chance of seeing Bianca Jackson’s brats pop up on Child Genius. Londoner Sophie, 21, is a karate black belt. So let’s hope she uses her skills on former male escort Dexter soon.

Friday night’s second in-take included an ex-cop. If he’s here looking for the micro-celebrity perverts of the future he could be in luck. Lovely Emma Willis is a distinct improvement on the last presenter and almost as feminine. Emma described the re-built house as “up-cycled chic” which probably means they bought the furniture on eBay from Sally Bercow.

*SMALL joys of the opening night: Joe nearly falling down the stairs. Emma’s mic looking like it came from Sex Toy Stories, Sophie’s Canning Town accent – BBC1 take note, this is what the East End sounds like!

THE thing about modern aliens is they’re lazy. Years ago they built pyramids and Mayan temples. Now they settle for hiding people’s fags. On Confessions Of An Alien Abductee, Chantelle revealed that cheeky alien greys conceal her ciggies for a laugh... we’re talking close encounters of the Beadle kind. Chantelle, who looks like Audrey Roberts’ love-child and clearly has free access to Bet Lynch’s wardrobe, revealed that she generally gets abducted after getting in a KFC take-away. Well who wouldn’t travel thousands of light years for a tasty zinger burger? Another abductee, Labour councillor Simon Parkes from Whitby, confessed that he’d fathered an alien tot. Why would ET settle for snatching these nitwits rather than top earth scientists or Rachel Riley? Well you couldn’t see Tory backbenchers approving human-alien marriages in the current climate, whereas Labour already has a half-Klingon leader in Ed Miliband. There are a lot of potential voters in Alpha Centuri.

*TO understand abductees I spent a night in the park waiting to get sucked up by an exotic creature. My case comes up on Tuesday.

SEX Toy Stories has got women buzzing. You can’t blame them for wanting to design their own pleasure devices. The ones blokes come up with tend to look like something you’d use to smash concrete. That’s the Corporal Jones range – they don’t like it up ’em.

*BIG Mo’s vibrator turned up one week on Game Of Thrones - as a battering ram. Pat Butcher’s required a rope start and a choke.

HOT on TV: Banshee (Sky Atlantic)... Mad Dogs (Sky1)... The Returned (C4)... Pollyanna Woodward (The Gadget Show, C5).

ROT on TV: The Fall finale – cop out!... Up The Women – down the pan... Britain’s Secret Homes – jerry-built... The Voice – too long, too wrong, and it can’t even guarantee a hit.

THE Returned is about people mysteriously coming back from the dead. They got the idea from soaps: first Bobby Ewing, then Dirty Den; Cindy Beale turned up in Corrie, Kathy Beale’s in Hollyoaks... No sign of Len Fairclough yet. I think Yewtree nabbed him.

*CAROL Jackson is going through the change, which means she’ll be moody, miserable and grumpy... we’ll never tell the difference.

*QUICK EastEnders head count: Peter Beale’s had six, Lucy four, Janine three, Lauren two... (That’s really going through the change.)

*NO Walford kids on Child Genius, although in fairness they always get positive results in the pregnancy tests.

*SIMON Cowell’s talent scouts worked really hard this year. They found two of the BGT finalists on old Big Big Talent Show videos, one at Pride Of Britain and the winners on Hungary’s Got Talent...

*WHAT about that egg-thrower? Amanda was so angry about it that her face almost moved... Natalie was a visionary, though. Cowell should arm the entire front row next year. Let’s see how long some berk dancing with a broom lasts under an avalanche of rotting fruit and veg.

THE Greeks closed down their state broadcaster this week. I’m not suggesting we do the same but after the BBC blew £1billion of our money on moving to Salford, another billion on New Broadcasting House and £100mill on failed digital technology it’s certainly time to sack the bosses.

*JOEY has dumped Sam on TOWIE for “disrespecting” his family. Yeah, she visited their donkey sanctuary and didn’t even feed them a carrot.

SMALL Joys of TV: Alien abductee Chantelle. Howard Stern (America’s Got Talent). BBC4 soul night. Steve Hewlett, BGT. Wheelchair comedian Jack Carroll’s response to being called ‘runner-up’: “It’s a bit insensitive.”

RANDOM irritations: The BGT judges – clichéd, gushing and bereft of insight. David ‘me-me-me’ Walliams. Kurt getting in trouble on The Apprentice for using Leah as “eye-candy.” Really? Why do you think she’s on the show in the first place? She’s a GP, not a business woman!

*NEVER mind eye-candy, Katie Hopkins looked like she’d had All-Sorts. Luisa definitely needs a gobstopper...

SEPARATED at birth: Hercule Poirot and Zebedee, one a short-arsed moustachioed irritant who pops up when you’re least expecting him, the other a character from The Magic Roundabout.

TV Maths: Toyah Battersby + Kris Akabusi = The Tokoloshe on Mad Dogs.

June 9. MAD Dogs is not so much a drama, more a reason to chuck away your passport and book a fortnight’s holiday in Bognor Regis. It started with four mates popping over to Majorca for an old pal’s retirement party. Cue murder, mayhem, drug money and the Serbian mafia, which was enough to harsh anyone’s mellow. Two years on, after surviving kidnap in Ibiza, corrupt cops and a Moroccan prison, the four chumps are on the run in South Africa. The show is like the worst ever series of Coach Trip. A weekend in a Syrian toxic gas plant can’t be too far away...

And just when you start to wonder how much more contrived it can get, Rick has attracted a malignant pygmy tribesman caked in war-paint (kind of half John Bercow, half Chloe Sims.) Is he tripping, going nuts or genuinely seeing an evil spirit? Cris Cole’s scripts really keep you guessing... generally about whether he’s on LSD or skunk.

So why should care? Well, for starters, the cast are terrific – Phil Glenister, Max Beesley, John Simm and Marc Warren bring the unfortunate four to life. The direction is classy; the dialogue feels real. And their tormenters are inspired – particularly the short-arsed killer in a Tony Blair mask, nicknamed Tiny Blair, in series one. Series three started with our accidental convicts wearing orange jumpsuits, banged up in cells strewn with ‘I heart bin Laden’ graffiti. But this was Morocco, not Guantanamo, and the only other prisoner was a gobby bird called Mercedes.

A unisex Arab choky seems about as likely as the local interrogator wearing a Marks & Spencer shirt. “Extremists don’t shop at M&S do they?” asked Rick. No mate, Bin Sherman, Jihad Sports or House Of Fatwa.

Even less plausibly, the camp was apparently run by British Intelligence. Embassy man Alex explained that a corrupt secret branch of the CIA wanted them dead. They were cleared without trial and released but their jeep conked out, their driver scarpered and someone started shooting at them. Rescued by Alex, they were told to abandon their families and flown to South Africa where they had to split up for their own safety... The real reason to keep watching is to see how on earth Cole makes any of this enjoyable tosh remotely believable.

OVER on The Apprentice, Francesca was promising “If I go down, I’ll go down in flames.” Stunt fellatio! There was no call for that on Britain’s Got Talent last night. Not till the after-show party at any rate. A dull week wasn’t helped by Sugar firing Rebecca instead of Luisa, a woman whose gob is connected directly to her arse, missing her brain altogether.

DIDN’T I tell you Attraction would win Britain’s Got Talent? Although on the night I thought the egg-chucker might have nicked it. More on the final next week, but teenage comic Jack Carroll definitely deserved second place. Memo to ITV: don’t over-expose him and burn him up too quickly.

BRUCE Forsyth is getting ready for Glastonbury; he’ll be breaking in some old material. Bruce got so excited Wilnelia thought he’d be up for an early night but turned out it was just early on-set rigor mortis. It isn’t Bruce’s first Glasto. The last time he was there he opened for King Arthur.

IT’S a shame the Mad Dogs team didn’t script The Only Way Is Marbs. They could have had that vain Muppet Mario kidnapped and tortured until he broke down and admitted: “Yes, I am a cock.” Instead Lucy drenched him in red wine, which was completely out of order. There’s never a good reason to waste wine. Wayne Lineker, Gary’s brother, turned up to put the barbs in Marbs. He told the lovely Chloe: “You’re not my type... You look like an Essex girl.” Really? An Essex girl on TOWIE? There’s a turn-up. Wayne calls himself a silver fox, although other f words suit him better. Elsewhere it was all swimwear, cocktails and fake tans. But what else is faked? Were Joey’s tears actually as real as his sister Frankie’s 34Es? Is he secretly a brilliant actor with a MENSA level IQ as some conspiracy theorists claim? Does gut-bucket Arg really want to get back with joy-vacuum Gemma? And if Gem keeps holding in her thunderous farts in front of Rami will she eventually explode? We can but hope.

HOT on TV: Game Of Thrones – the greatest massacre since Brazil v China... Keri Russell (The Americans)... Steve Hewlett’s Simon Cowell puppet – its face was more life-like than Cowell’s.

ROT on TV: David Walliams: A Snapshot In Time – more like A Warning From History... Jo Brand (Comedy Gala) – same old, same old... Phoebe (Made In Chelsea) – spoilt, stuck-up and shallow.

OH gawd, EastEnders fell back on the old ‘animals hilariously on the loose’ gambit. Their great snake escape was as funny as Big Mo’s turkey or Roxy’s parrot, which is to say it wasn’t funny at all. If the writers spent less time recycling past cobblers and more time watching quality drama their plots might be a little more inspired. The next Walford wedding should try a twist of Game Of Thrones and have the throats of the entire wretched Moon clan cut during the reception. Now that’s entertainment.

*AT least Bobby’s snake distracted us from Dad Ian’s latest business botch-up. Beale is Britain’s worst entrepreneur. If Peter Jones met him he’d kick him in the nuts.

DEV, Corrie’s corner shop Colombo, is deconstructing Sunita’s murder like a pro, leaving Karl sweating like a middle-lane hogging motorway driver with a parcel from Tulisa in the glove compartment. I can’t wait for Karl to get collared. Poor Stella will be so shocked her original accent might come back.

*HOW did Roy Cropper miss the Street’s biggest rats – Rob and Tracy? As evil alliances go, they’re up there with Google and child porn.

*SERIOUS questions: why is Norris Cole the only person on TV discussing capital punishment? Why hasn’t a single channel got the nous to screen brilliant Breaking Bad?

*TV NAME of the week: Mustafa Koc. Which I believe is Arabic for Kat Moon...

SMALL Joys of TV: Honey Boo Boo’s hippo-sized mum on a water slide – even Gok Wan wouldn’t want to see that naked. Mechanical Marvels: Clockwork Dreams. The Maverick flying car (Gadget Show). Weathergirl Georgina Burnett. Nev Wilshire (The Call Centre) – Dafydd Brent.

RANDOM irritations: Alesha’s laugh – like a clapped-out car trying to rev up on a frosty morning. Tipping Point – makes me want to play Whac A Mole with whatever berk commissioned it. Bookers on Later overlooking great young bands like Missing Andy and Buster Shuffle.

SEPARATED at birth: Drew Pritchard, Salvage Hunter, and Andy Capp, one a slightly dodgy chancer in a flat cap... and so’s the other one.

TV Maths: Frank Sidebottom + Dracula = Alex Mills (The Apprentice).

KATIE Price was talking about Francine Lewis’s impressions when she told Steven Mulhern: “When I knew Francine she always tried to do me, but I’m really hard to do.” Unfortunately my punch-line has been eaten by the lawyers.

June 2. On Britain’s Got Talent teenage comic Jack Carroll compared Simon Cowell to Kim Jong-un. This was extremely unfair... on the North Korean dictator. He might be a deranged nutcase, but at least Kim has never tried to tell us some nitwit dancing with a broom was entertainment. A kid bouncing balls, maybe...

Some acts in semi-finals week seemed more like refugees from Community Care than the fresh faces of modern variety. Old ITV talent show Pot Of Gold used to wheel on deluded wannabes for a quick laugh. Cowell elevates them to the status of actual contenders. Cue two men in dresses, one with a moustache, singing light opera on floral swings... Camp yes, but not good camp. Eurovision gave us Aliona Moon in a giant lava lamp dress – a bit more impressive than a big Dutch fella throwing a little woman up in the air. Or a short hamster-faced woman impersonating Cher...

Average singers and dull dance troupes abounded. Even the allegedly great acts weren’t up to much. Alice Fredenham – the favourite for wild card pass back to the final - mucked up her dreary rendition of ‘Cry Me A River’ and was lavished with praise. We were told her voice was “liquid platinum”, “old school Hollywood” and “majestical” – which isn’t even a word. Talent show judges shouldn’t be telling semi-final contenders that their mistakes don’t matter, as Cowell’s clowns frequently did, because they DO! Too many acts were over-produced but under-rehearsed. Brucie is right about young kids too. Jack Carroll is naturally funny, but he was less convincing the second time around and needs more time to develop his act away from the cameras.

The self-regard of the judges expands in inverse proportion to the quality of the turns. Amanda and Alesha have sod-all to say, Walliams has no critical judgement and even Simon’s brutal honesty seems blunted. The result is an undercooked mishmash. Shadow dancers Attraction are clear favourites to win next Saturday, proving conclusively that Hungary’s Got Talent. Richard and Adam will probably come second. Isn’t it odd that Cowell loves old-fashioned singers but insists comedians have to be “cutting edge”? Previous TV talent shows broke household name comics – Freddie Starr, Victoria Wood, Frank Carson - Simon never will. BGT needs new talent scouts, new judges, and better direction; but most of all it needs a rest. Like the Hangover films, the more it comes back the less there is to like.

THERE are just six days until the grand final. Woo-hoo! That’s plenty of time for the acts to rehearse, and for Simon to get some buttons sewn on his shirt.

*HOT acts on BGT: the Luminites, Steve Hewlett, Francine Lewis. Best double act: J-Lo’s buttocks. Such a shame Cowell chose a singer over brilliant ventriloquist Steve Hewlett last night. But he had to do it, he only had five singers in the final already.

THE scariest sight on TV? Audiences on Confessions Of A Male Stripper. These hen parties would chill the blood of the Household Cavalry. Never mind a willie pump, a man would need ten pints of Stella before venturing out in front of them; even if he had the sort of appendage that could tickle a woman’s spleen. And some of these Dreamboys did! I’d swear one of their assets had its own elbow. Agency boss David Richards works above a butchers shop but gets annoyed if anyone suggests it’s all about sausage. “It’s about entertaining people... not about getting your willie out!” he moaned, although the blokes get paid extra if they do. The fellas all looked the same – vain and tanned with abs like house bricks... proving that female fantasies are just as shallow as blokes’ are said to be.

*FEMININSTS always say stripping demeans women. How does that work? Men leave strip-clubs broke, drunk and frustrated. If they touch a stripper they’re thrown out. In contrast we saw the hens grope, claw and snog their Dreamboys. It’s a tough job. I start tomorrow.

BBC2’s The Iraq War raised more questions than it answered. If Saddam had no WMD, wasn’t involved in 9/11 and had no stomach for war with the West, then why were we there? What did 179 British soldiers and 4,500 Yanks actually die for? Worth considering when we hear today’s politicians try to drum us into a new Sunni-Shia conflict in Syria.

*WILLIAM Hague’s call to back the Syrian rebels is bonkers. They are Islamists. If they were in the UK, he’d be trying (and failing) to deport them.

THEY were in Dubai buying items for a fancy hotel on The Apprentice. Zee, who claimed he knew the city well, told his team that a mahogany Oud was a scent. It turned out to be a wooden stringed instrument. I’m not sure that the sweet smell of wood is what women want, outside of a Dreamboys gig at any rate. Zee saw himself as Napoleon, forgetting that Bonaparte lost and died alone of a peptic ulcer... which by coincidence is exactly what you’d get if you spent much time with Luisa. She packed a very small bikini but didn’t get to wear it. A shame, I’m told the prisons are very clean out there.

*KURT got his inches and centimetres mixed up and came up with a flag the size of a handkerchief. It’s also the reason he won’t get the male stripper job.

HOT on TV: Froch vs Kessler... The Americans... Les Dawson: An Audience That Never Was... Francine Lewis and the Luminites (BGT).

ROT on TV: Britain’s Got Talent – but this ain’t it... Up The Women – down with piss-poor BBC comedy... Psychobitches... The Voice – shut it.

AFTER Les Dawson, will ITV resurrect other dead comedy heroes as holograms? Peter Cook, Max Miller and Spike Milligan would work for me. And there is enough unseen Bob Monkhouse footage, plus sparkling live slots from the Palladium, to make a hell of a show. But how many greats could they get through before a holographic copper from Operation Yewtree turned up?

WILL the success of Embarrassing Bodies inspire drama spin-offs? Maybe Randall & Hopkirk Diseased, Game Of Piles, Plague School, London’s Scratching , Ready Steady Cock...

*24 is coming back for just 12 episodes. Blimey, how bad have things got when even Jack Bauer is working part time?

*LOUIS Walsh will get £1million to appear on X Factor. Wow. That’s £250K for each of his clichés.

Ex X Factor judge Tulisa got caught setting up a cocaine deal. She made that line her own. Unconfirmed reports say she did it for her Nan; and it was an incredible journey.

SMALL Joys of TV: Alesha’s legs. Leah Totten’s Elvis lips. Otis Redding Soul Ambassador. Steve McDonald’s crop - he looks like the lost Madness roadie. Kim Fox’s migraine-inducing tracksuits – seemingly made from curtains in a suburban brothel.

RANDOM irritations: BGT judges spouting clichés. Attention-seeking nitwit David Walliams storming off More Talent. Apprentice losers leaving by taxi – BBC1’s cab bill must cost more than a Sally Bercow tweet. Sugar should leave ’em queuing for a night bus.

SEPARATED at birth: Hilary Mantel and a Slitheen – one a terrifying other-worldly creature, the other a Doctor Who monster. Runners-up: Lara Morgan (You’re Fired) and a cigar store Indian.

TV maths: Harry Styles + Mick Jagger = young Richard Branson.

STEPHEN Mulhern was talking about Ant & Dec’s ‘fairground fantasy’ rivalry on More Talent when he announced: “Over the last few weeks you’ve been beating each other off.” Although if he’d said it about David and Simon...