June 26. Do you think there is any collateral damage when Gregg Wallace opens that big gob of his on Celebrity MasterChef? Do whole spoons ever vanish down that ginormous gullet, followed by the condiments and half a yard of table cloth? There is nothing this bloke wouldn't eat... expect Sinitta's aubergine. The So Macho star kicked off her short stint on the show by declaring: "I have a terrible reputation as a chef and I'm here to prove myself". Job done, hon! Her aubergine served with raw minced lamb wasn't so much cordon bleu as cordoned off. She should've called it Sinitta's Salmonella Surprise. Gregg called it "terrifying". Maybe that's the reason Simon Cowell looks so glum. He's still trying to get the taste of her cooking out of his mouth.

Further disappointments included Sinitta's failure to knock up a calling card dish called So Nacho, and then missing the chance to weave left-over salad leaves into the skirt she wore on The X Factor. "My children think I'm an amazing cook," she claimed. Yeah? Those poor kids need food parcels.

The team seem to have given up a bit in this the 17,097th series of MasterChef. (I'm lying, it's the 17,096th). "We're not expecting great cuisine right now," announced Gregg at the start, more "something that we didn't mind eating". In terms of setting the bar low that's up there with Greg Dyke being happy with a quarter finals finish for the England squad. Whatever happened to ambition, to fine dining? Only Donna Air looked chef-worthy and even she couldn't get her panna cotta to set. Good old Tommy Cannon seemed grateful just to have survived the first show. He burnt his mince, actor Alexis Conran served dry moussaka and Marcus Butler dished up a raw beefburger. Hang on a minute, Marcus who? Even Gregg didn't know. The "sleb" part of the equation seems under-nourished. Few could turn heads at a bus stop. Stomachs yes, heads no.

"I think there's a bit of talent in the room," John Torode said hopefully. Well there was, John. I understand that Tommy's salmon was a champion leaper. Marcus's greatest kitchen achievement was to successfully recognise a pomegranate. Cooking doesn't get any rougher than this.

*LOVE Island or Celeb MasterChef: 1) "It's got to be get in, give it a go and see what happens." 2) "Stay away from meat!" 3) "Your first reaction when you get a mouthful is it's very, very insipid". Trick question, they're all from MasterChef.

THRUSTING young men with girly hair, fancy clothes and impressive weapons are all over our tellies. But away from Glastonbury, there's plenty of historical action too. On Versailles, Louis XIV, the Kanye West of the 17th Century, got his leg over yet again – not bad for a bloke who in reality was 5ft 3 and never washed. His cross-dressing bisexual brother Philippe is about to crush the Spanish, pausing only to check his make-up before leading the charge. Another gay Philippe was orally pleasuring an unnamed man, possibly Count L'Everard, in the Palace gardens when the recipient was stabbed to death. It's hard to say who went down best. On The Musketeers, our French heroes were hunting the English Queen's crown jewels. Meanwhile in England Sir Rodney Ffing told busty Desiree "You're a picture mademoiselle... a trifle over-exposed". And we heard this exchange "Psst!" "What?" "Psst!" "Don't be ridiculous, I've only had a couple!" Oh, sorry, that was Carry On Don't Lose Your Head, which was more historically accurate. Versailles is nearly as funny.

*SIR Rodney fell out with Citizen Camembert who insisted he had the choice of swords or pistols. "Oh we won't quarrel over that," said Rodders. "You have the swords, I'll have the pistols... "

GAME Of Thrones' Battle Of The Bastards had the most breath-taking war scenes ever made for TV. Jon Snow and his outnumbered forces took on twisted sadist Ramsay Bolton who kicked off hostilities by releasing Jon's kid brother Rickon and then shooting him dead with an arrow. Snow's ragbag army were lured into his trap. Bolton's shield wall surrounded them, spears out, and advanced. Life was literally crushed out of them. It was more suffocating than Natalie Rowe using your face as a chair. Jon struggled for breath under the weight of the dead, Tormund looked bested. Hope seemed lost. So when Sansa Stark arrived with Littlefinger and his mounted cavalry, fans everywhere were punching the air. Had Slaven Bilic been watching he'd have been bouncing off the ceiling. It was emotional, incredible, unmissable.

HOT on TV: The Battle of the Bastards, Game Of Thrones... The Border... Iben Hjejle, Dicte – Crime Reporter (More4).

ROT on TV: The Great British Sewing Bee – surplice to requirements... The Last Leg – hop off... The Secret Life Of Kittens – they play with wool, they chase each other, where's the secret?

ON Big Brother, Queen Lateysha defended herself against Hughie's insults. "Calling me a slag cos I've got a sheep tattooed on my fanny," she moaned. "Loads of people have got stuff tattooed on their fanny! Just cos I've got a sheep! That's hardly slaggy." Well not unless it's easily sheared.

*LET'S ask her ex to count how many times he saw it just to see if he falls asleep.

*NATALIE Rowe got the heave-ho from Big Bro. Her glowering presence was as painful as her former trade.

*THERE are way too many scenes of blokes in the shower on EastEnders, let's demand parity! Stacey, Honey, Belinda – you know what to do. Not you, Dot.

*AGATHA Raisin: not so much whodunit, more who-dumbed-it-down.

*CAN you still have great sex over 70, asked This Morning? Yes, as long as someone else is driving.

*VINYL? Scratched.

SMALL Joys of TV: Slaven Bilic. Ramsay Bolton going to the dogs. Rupert Everett, Musketeers. George Benson, Guitar Star. Andrew Neil's interrogations. ZZ Top at Glasto. BBC Breakfast scrapping their proposed "Come Over, Carol" summer segment – no idea why.

*RITA to Norris on Corrie: "If you can't stand the heat, don't light the gas ring." Classic.   

RANDOM irritations: The Good Wife finale. Dimbleby's keenness to cut Leave advocates off short during the Beeb's big allegedly impartial debate. England's underachieving football team (well done, Wales). Hodgson's choices. Orange Is The New Black losing the plot.

TV questions: would Louis XIV really have talked about "cash flow"? Why didn't Russian footballers half-inch their athletes' performance-enhancing drugs? Was it a complete coincidence that only the women contestants didn't get to cook in that curry-house kitchen on Celebrity MasterChef?

SEPARATED at birth: Edward and Andrew Lloyd Webber? One a grotesque creature with a string of dark secrets, the other's a character from The League Of Gentlemen...

June 19. There were extraordinary scenes on Big Brother as Marco Pierre White's idiot son indulged in very public foreplay with Laura Carter. He groped her, exposed her boobs, sucked them and touched her intimately. It was like they were auditioning for PornHub. Or Love Island. At one stage he made her strangle him with a belt. Even Versailles fans were saying "Woah, too much", although I can't have been the only one shouting "Tighter! Pull it tighter!"

In fairness, it must be tough for these pampered darlings to cope without the essential elements of their useless lives, like selfie sticks and Snapchat. But even so, his Dad must be so proud. Voting him out on Friday was the reality TV equivalent of a mercy killing.

Marco Jnr, 21, is a child in an adult body; but cradle-snatching Laura, who's 30 and looks older, knows exactly what she's doing – which is why she never takes her eyes off the cameras. And why she went topless the next night and snogged Evelyn... It's desperate stuff. But what else can we expect from a slapper whose claim to "fame" is a threesome with Justin Bieber? Or indeed from clueless Big Brother producers who think this is what fans want to see. The housemate they kicked out was Andrew, who got the boot over a home spanking video – the stuff Natalie Rowe did for a living!

The big innovation this series is the second house, containing the Others... something they've been doing for the last 14 years. Housemates guessed this twist after the first eviction. But even if they hadn't, Hughie Morgan kicking off would've alerted them to their covert neighbours. The big question is who in this moral cesspit to detest the most. We're spoilt for choice. There's Hughie ranting and raging like Torquemada with toothache, weepy self-righteous Andy, attention-seeking nitwit Ryan... "I can't take any more of this," he moaned repeatedly. Well go home then, you big wet Muppet. Not too surprisingly the older housemates, like the Modish Chelsea and movie stunt double Jason seem the most interesting. Jason and Charlie were an item, and she gladly disclosed his most personal dimensions – put it this way, ladies, you wouldn't want it dangling off your Ascot hat as a chin guard. It could double as a draught excluder. I'm only watching in the hope someone upsets Lateyshea so she goes full Boobzilla on their sorry arses.

THE Hound turned into a medieval version of The Terminator on Game Of Thrones. Not only did he brutally slaughter the vermin who murdered his peasant pals, he did it while dishing out one-liners. He told a hapless male archer "Tougher girls than you have tried to kill me", and informed another scumbag he was "sh** at dying" while smashing him between the legs with an axe. Later Queen Mum Cersai finally let his big brother, the Mountain, off the leash. "Order your man to step aside or there will be violence," warned the creepy Faith Militant. "I choose violence," Cersei replied. The Mountain lifted a religious crank off the ground and ripped his head clean off... Presumably Daenerys and her dragons will take on the White Walkers in the show's big finish. Fire versus ice – the dramatic equivalent of Eva Longoria pillow-fighting Tilda Swinton in a vat of mud. Happy endings seem about as likely as Rita Ora managing to keep her bra on all summer.

ON Versailles a wife is cheating with her brother-in-law, her hubby is at it with another bloke and her lover's wife gave birth to a mixed race child... It's like France's answer to Jeremy Kyle, although as the in-law is Louis XIV maybe more It's A Royal Knockout, with a silent "n". The Queen's baby daddy turned out to be an African Prince and not her midget court jester (not too surprising as the dwarf was clearly female). One posh mare grabbed her daughter by her crotch and told her: "You may never be a Queen but with this you can live like one". They didn't teach 'em that on Ladette To Lady. The budget runs to millions, but the script is two centimes. Dollops of sauce can't disguise the fact that clunky dialogue and plodding direction have rendered it ooh la lame.

*LOUIS built Versailles to symbolize the might of France, but only the royals had loos. Courtiers, servants and dogs relieved themselves all over the palace. So dictatorial power, massive front and an overwhelming stench... you might compare that to today's Brussels, I couldn't possibly comment.

HOT on TV: Sturridge's winner... Katheryn Winnick, Vikings (History)... Lady Aurelia, Ascot.

ROT on TV: Agatha Raisin – no raisin to watch... As Yet Untitled – as yet unfunny... Born On The Same Day – taking so-what to totally new levels... Eurotrash – making the case for Brexit.

WHY is America's Got Talent more enjoyable than our own version? For starters, the show isn't crammed with no-talent losers. It doesn't puff up its judges. And it has a far higher hit rate of impressive performers, like marvellous multi-media magician Hara. Kiwi silent comic Sam Wills, who we saw on the Royal Variety Show, made the biggest impact in the opener as Tape Face. It's amazing the laughs he can get with cheap props and duct tape.

*JOEY Essex, a kid so dumb he'd be hard-pushed to spell OXO backwards, tried to understand the monarchy. Palace flunkies weren't too fazed by his dimness, but then they had worked with Mark Phillips...

*GREAT Euro insights #97, Peter Crouch: "There's a lot of expectation, you expect that."

*IT'S Father's Day! Or as Ken Barlow calls it Pretend To Be Out Day.

SMALL Joys of TV: Bad Ink (Tru). The creepy eye-contact Aussie on First Dates Abroad. Paul Whitehouse, Murder In Successville (BBC3). Iceland drawing with Portugal. BBC4's 1982 pop nostalgia: The Jam, Madness, Dexy's, Pigbag... that's entertainment!

RANDOM irritations: Underserved honours – Adil Ray's OBE, Janet Street-Porter's CBE – making a further mockery of our devalued honours system. "Sir" Bob Geldof flashing V signs at trawlermen. Glenn Hoddle's punditry. Claudia Bloody Winkleman.

*BEN Elton has been praised for inventive slang such as "futtocking" and "cod-dangle" on Upstart Crow. You'll find J Peasmold Gruntfuttock and The Cordwangler Song on the genuinely inventive Round The Horne.

SEPARATED at birth: Jeremy Corbyn and the villain from The Musketeers? One a shameless double-dealing old dodge-pot steeped in the ancient past, the other a character in a BBC drama.

*HOT not on TV: The Bar Stool Preachers – a young Brighton five-piece, fired by 2-Tone and The Clash, full of energy, urgency and charisma.

IOLO Williams was talking about how low a bird had dived on Springwatch when he asked Liz Morgan "Is this the deepest shag you've ever had?" Tsk, and after Michaela admitted "We've been obsessed with our great tits" too...

June 12. Staying abreast of the Referendum is like trying to keep up to speed with The Flash. Most commentators appear to be competing in the Pinocchio Stakes. If you'd hoped Cameron & Farage Live would shed light on vital issues, you were disappointed. For starters, they spoke separately. The Prime Minister won't go head-to-head with anyone. A previous PM would have called him "frit". Harry, a British Asian, told him reckless immigration was wrecking his family's chances. But no-one pulled Cam up when he claimed migrants who "don't find a job in six months have to leave" the UK – they don't. Or even more absurdly that he could "reform" the EU. He can't, he hasn't. He won't.

The PM stood with his legs astride, almost Gangnam style, to suggest authority. There were times when his cheeks reddened but he was never goaded into full Human Torch mode. A shame; his visions of doom are always a hoot. We've had war and genocide; the alien apocalypse and Godzilla reawakening can't be far behind. No-one asked how Remain can claim to be the safe economic option when the Eurozone is clearly about as stable as Stacey Slater having a Christmas meltdown.

ITV's actual referendum debate felt more like Loose Women The Movie, as three female Remain MPs (one recognisable) tried to shout down Boris. It provoked many big questions, like when does the football start? Why has Amber Rudd come as Mrs Merton? And what's the next debate on? In my house, mute...

Their strongest argument was that economic experts oppose Brexit. Yet these same experts previously called the Euro wrong... including Rudd's own brother. Youth unemployment in Greece is running at 50%. Spain and Italy aren't far behind. So why do Labour play along with this nonsense? They can't all expect a seat on the gravy train with the Kinnocks. Any low rumbling noise heard during Anna Eagle's stumbling arguments was just Tony Benn and Bob Crow spinning in their graves.

*IF we vote out we'll be quitters, claimed Cameron. Fair enough. But if it's right to quit smoking, why is it wrong to quit an organisation that's so clearly damaging our national health?

*HOW the soaps would vote, part 1. The Mitchell bruvvas: "Aht!" Roxy Mitchell: "In, in, oh yeah, in... "

IT was Ricky Groves v Bobby Davro on The Big Fish Off. "Bobby's casting might let him down," mused Groves. Well it did on EastEnders. Bobby claimed to be "sweating like Joey Essex at a spelling test" as he faced his old Albert Square pal but clearly he wasn't. When a fish finally bit, he'd wandered off to take a phone call. Can you blame him? Angling is not a spectator sport. It's one up from Pro-Celebrity Napping or Let's Play Chess with Joey Essex. Not even waggler-based innuendo can make it prime time entertainment. I felt for the two fading stars, caught between a rock salmon and a hard plaice and forced to endure codswallop bookings for screen time. Especially when Davro could have stormed ITV's laughter-light Palladium show. To add insult to indignity, Ricky won the day. His little maggot landed a beauty, just like it did in Walford...

SPOOKY thriller Outcast began with a kid head-butting a cockroach to death and then eating it. Beat that for a starter, Gregg Wallace! The possessed boy brought new meaning to finger food by biting a chunk out of one of his own. Even Bobby Beale would find that a bit too loopy. Set in a decaying West Virginia small town, Outcast is a gothic creep-fest guaranteed to generate nightmares. The good guys are Kyle Barnes, whose mum was taken over by the same demon, and his preacher pal the Reverend Anderson (Phil "Gene Hunt" Glenister) a "gung-ho holy warrior" who knows "the Devil is real". Long-suffering Kyle is broodier than a henhouse, but the Rev needs his special skills to beat back the hordes of vomit spewing fiends. These supernatural parasites use host bodies to do their bidding. (One possibly possessed John Major on the Andrew Marr Show.) Kyle's sister Megan keeps him grounded. The hard-drinking, card-playing Rev gives him a purpose. Let's hope they can sustain the horror.

HOT on TV: Outcast, Fox... Tim Roth, Reg... Peaky Blinders... Camren Bicondova, Gotham.

ROT on TV: George Blagden, Versailes – bring on the guillotine... Wayward Pines – haywire re-commission... Safeword – more pants than "bantz"... The Big Fish Off – pollocks.

LAST week we discussed the all-time best TV barmaids. But which TV boozers would you love to drink in? Here are my Top Ten: 1) Cheers 2) The Winchester Club (Minder) 3) The Bada Bing (The Sopranos) 4) Ten Forward (Star Trek TNG) 5) The Nag's Head (Only Fools & Horses). 6) Moe's Tavern (The Simpsons) 7) Kavanagh's Irish Pub (The Wire) 8) The Bronze (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) 9) The Boar's Nest (Dukes Of Hazzard) 10) The Skinner's Arms (Steptoe & Son).

*DON'T you love loud cartoon characters coming a cropper on TV? Krusty the Clown, Peter Griffin, Chris Evans...

*BIG news on Big Brother: Emma Willis isn't pregnant! Give it time, though; it's a long series... and one that may have already lost the plot. BB was supposed to be everyday folk interacting, not models, celeb sprogs, X Factor flops and other "reality" refugees chasing undeserved air-time. Please note, the phrase "Big Bro twins" refers to Emma and Victoria, not Lateyshea's incredible no bra assets. I'm glad she didn't go. I caught a quick glimpse of her on Wednesday and I'm still seeing double.

*BB maths. Gaby Roslin + Jane Moore = Jayne from "the Others".

*JOE Lycett has piloted a new celebrity series. Hurrah! Finally an opening on British TV for a camp man to host his own chat show...

SMALL Joys of TV: Nike's The Switch football ad. Payet's late winner. Jada Pinkett Smith as Fish Mooney, Gotham. Clive Russell as Blackfish, Game Of Thrones. Gary Delaney's one-liners. 100 Years of Movie Musicals.

RANDOM irritations: Blathering Eddie Izzard on Question Time. Caroline Flack, on Love Island. John Major's Dalek drone. Corrie's chronic "comedy" wrestling scene. Dana International's voice. Les Coker's tedious turmoil.

*GRIFF Rhys Jones is insufferably smug on It'll Be Alright On The Night. I think he'd be more use on BBC2's Sewing Bee, his scrotum would make perfect pin cushions.

*THE last-ever Wallander was a 90minute misery fest throwing in dementia, suicide and interminable bleak landscapes. It was such a downer I had to watch Sophie's Choice straight afterwards just to cheer myself up.

*QUESTIONS: was Louis XIV called the Sun King because he was expected to go down every night? Where does everyone sleep at Eileen Grimshaw's – does Corrie use Tardis technology? And if mass immigration is so good for the economy, how come national debt has doubled since 2010?

June 5. For once I can say this and mean it – EastEnders was robbed at the British Soap Awards. It should have walked Best Comedy Performance. Think of Ian's side-splitting suicide bid with a stunt double half his size; or Les Coker coming out as Ruth Langsford lookalike "Christine". I haven't laughed so hard since Peggy fell off a step ladder while dusting the skirting board.

Stacey spent Xmas hiding little Arthur from "King Herod", Ronnie gave birth to the world's largest baby... at that kid's rate of growth he'll be in the sixth form by September. And what about Mad Jean's wedding, when she promised gardener Ollie she'd "sprinkle your seeds of love"? (That one was probably intentional).

In fairness, Steve McFadden genuinely deserved his Outstanding Achievement gong for his peerless portrayal of pie-eyed Phil Mitchell, the Square's absinthe father. He's such a convincing drunk you could get tipsy just from a close-up. Lacey Turner acted her socks off as bi-polar Stacey too. Sadly for Martin he's only married one of her personalities. Give it a month or two and every night he'll be playing Guess Who's Coming To Dinner.

Other good calls included Connor McIntyre winning Top Villain for Corrie's predatory Pat Phelan, Sally Dynevor and Joe Duttine scooping best on-screen partnership. And Bonnie Langford – she isn't just Best Newcomer, she's also over-50s rear of the year. I'm chuffed Emmerdale copped Best Soap (bring back Kathy!) largely because it meant the judges are as bored of Lucy Beale-all-and-end-all as the rest of us.

The Awards need fresh categories, like Best One-Liner for when Martin Fowler asked sex-change Kyle: "What's the crack down there?" Or Best Walking Dead – a toss-up between Kathy, Claudette and Charlie Slater, who was briefly resurrected as a cut-price ghost cabbie. Lousiest Actor, Pottiest Plot and Most Ham-fisted Propaganda deserve their place too. The worst thing about our soaps is their tendency to beat us about the head with a rolled-up copy of the Bleeding Heart Times. They're all over-exposed and over-reliant on recycled storylines. They need new ideas, pronto. Let's frack the Red Rec! Let Jihadis take over McKlunky's! Let Aunt Babe go full Slitheen! Or how about having a drunken celeb wake up with "Christine" and slap a super-injunction on the story? Stranger things...

*AS the Pub Landlord failed to give us his Top Five Soap Barmaids, here are mine: 1) Angie Watts 2) Tina McIntyre 3) Cindy Beale 4) Dawn Swann 5) Eva Price...

TOP Gear wasn't exactly a car crash, it's watchable enough. It just isn't the show viewers love. This pale imitation lacks Top Gear's key ingredient – the relationship between three grumpy, saloon bar codgers; their banter and their grumbling, their rivalry and wit. Instead we get Chris Evans shouting, and Matt LeBlanc's distant, possibly bored, dry humour. There are art classes with more chemistry. Chris has made it Bigger! Louder! Faster! But not funnier... Describing a car "as cutting edge as a rusty crowbar" isn't a patch on Clarkson calling a Lotus Elise "as much fun as the entire French air force crashing into a fireworks factory". But they're PC now and to prove it, they threw in a dull female racing driver, some drag queens and a movie star who didn't like cars much. Ho hum. Yet they've kept the Stig, the theme tune and recycled the stunts. They'd have been better off revamping the show completely. Maybe call TFI Futile. Or TFI F***ed.

HOT on TV: Tom Hardy, Peaky Blinders... Malin, Love Island... Chloe Hayward, Neil Gaiman's Likely Stories... Preacher (Amazon Prime).

ROT on TV: Versailles – ooh la lame... Sabine Schmitz – Flop Gear... An Immigrant's Guide To Britain – the jokes were flatter than Latvia... Yeti: Myth, Man Or Beast – abominable.

THAT jumped-up twerp Russell T. Davies turned A Midsummer Night's Dream into a mild bummer of a nightmare. Shakespeare's Athens became the world's first multi-racial fascist dictatorship. Equally bizarrely, it mixed modern technology and antique lingo. Ever the cultural magpie, Davies threw in a Hannibal Lector-style straitjacket for Queen Hippolyta, a forest straight out of Pan's Labyrinth and the lesbian kiss from Frozen. He vandalised the play, killing off Theseus, turning Snug gay and cutting Helena's suicide threat (don't let him near Romeo & Juliet). Yet the farcical core of the story, where Puck makes the lead characters fall in love with the wrong people, still tickled like Bottom's hairy ass. Some things really don't need "modernising".

*MEMO to the BBC: no-one is shocked by lesbian snogs. They might raise an eyebrow on Songs Of Praise, but since Brookie did 'em 22 years ago they've been everywhere from Buffy to True Blood. It'd be far more daring in TV circles to come out for UKIP.

FINE scenes of the Bay City Rollers comeback on Where Are They Now: The Reunions. An elderly fan threw her red bra on stage. Mercifully the camera panned away before the false teeth and tartan incontinence pants followed.

*CATHY is wasted on Corrie. With her powers of recovery she should be slugging it out on Marvel's Agents of SHIELD.

*SIMON Cowell says he's considering an X Factor dating show spin-off, kind of "You made that babe your own". "You just nailed it" will have completely different connotations. Presumably he'll hold up his hand and stop hopefuls mid chat-up to ask "Have you got anything else?" PS. Cheryl, it's a yes from me. As long as you don't sing, pet.

*IRONIC. Mission Survive didn't.

SMALL Joys of TV: Henriette boldly pioneering the wet t-shirt look on Versailles. Kate Williams, TV's hottest historian. Those past contestants performing at the BGT final, but where were Subo and Paul "Pol" Potts? Where was Natalie, the egg-chucker?

RANDOM irritations: The Beeb's abysmal sitcom output. Love, Nina? I can't stand her. Or Kelly the cliché on Mum. Or Ben Elton rewriting Blackadder as Upstart Crow. How many flops has he got to churn out before the BBC see through him?

SEPARATED at birth: Carrie Bradshaw and Twisted Sister's Dee Snider? One insisted "We're not gonna take it", the other wrote about the many ways of doing so in Sex & The City... now back on Sky boxsets.

RANDOM questions: why include Doctors at the Soap Awards? It has more episodes than viewers. Why is Zoe Lucker turning into Kat Slater? Does Trip Hazard have a trip adviser? If the cops don't find it, is it still evidence?

DICK Davis was explaining close field positions in a cricket match and not commenting on Love Island when he said: "That's why all the helmets came out."  You can win £35 by sending me unintentional innuendos. Buy today's Daily Star Sunday to find out how.


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