Garry Bushell
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Nov 25. NADINE leaving I’m A Celebrity was the most disappointing exit this side of Man City’s dismal Champions League campaign. She should have been grabbed, bagged and frogmarched home to face the righteous wrath of her constituents. Even in her eviction interview, Nad maintained the weasel lie that she’d only gone into ITV’s jungle to take her politics to the people. More vote for X Factor than in elections, she said. Hmm. Millions watch football too, but I doubt that we’d like to see Eric Pickles playing wide midfield for the Magpies, bellowing at the ref about restoring weekly bin collections between pie breaks.

QPR, maybe. He couldn’t do any worse...

Voters are apathetic, Nad, because voting changes nothing. Whoever we elect, Government policies stay the same; while issues people actually care about – jobs, housing, the NHS - remain un-tackled. Still as long as John Prescott gets on Mr. & Mrs. and Ann Widdecombe is a Children In Need “highlight”, I’m sure we’ll suffer it.

I’m A Celeb, meanwhile, has gone lacklustre on us. No-one is delivering much in the way of entertainment, and those cardboard cut-outs exhibited more energy than Linda Robson.

Where is the sexual chemistry (Peter & Katie? Cerys & Marc)? Where are the blazing rows, and monster egos like David Van Day and Janice Dickinson? Remember them? He came by plane, she came by Ouija board...

Even this year’s trials have a “this’ll do” feel. ‘Bed Bugs’ proved for the umpteenth time that human beings aren’t keen on being cooped up with cockroaches. Enough of the creepy-crawlies! Give us ’gators, sharks, wild dingoes and boxing kangaroos! We want death-defying, high-rise challenges and ever more repulsive food trials.

Eric Bristow’s mickey-taking has been the one source of constant joy. When Helen came back emptied-handed, telling her campmates “I’m glad I came”, Eric retorted: “We’re not, we’re f**king starving.” He claimed Hugo had “a golden spoon up his arse”, and teased Rosemary about her weight which went down like a pole-axed hippo. The Crafty Cockney is more Sarky Cockney these days. I love it, but given how wet this country has become he’ll probably go out tonight.

*BRIAN Conley acting strangely was no surprise. We all saw him in The Grimleys.

*TRAGEDY for Limahl on Thursday. He suddenly realised he isn’t popular, only 28 years after his last hit.

KIT and Grace had sex in the bakery on American Horror Story: Asylum, a service I’ve yet to experience in Greggs. (I generally put any strange ooze down to pastie seepage but you never know.) Jude asked if they were “trying to make a murder-baby”, which I believe is Take Me Out’s mission statement. It’s definitely what Derek Branning has been doing with Kat Moon.

*BAKERY sex? Kneads must! It’d make your eyes water. Have you seen the girth on a French stick?

*THIS show is sick. If the AHS: Asylum writers were scripting Corrie, Kirsty’s abuse of Tyrone would involve an over-sized strap-on.

*LESBIAN ‘aversion’ treatment on Asylum involved bombarding inmates with pin-ups while making them throw-up, although apparently sitting through Sue Perkins’s stand-up act works just as well.

CLOTH-eared Tulisa got Ella booted off X Factor by saddling her with that god-awful dirge version of You’re The One That I Want. The arrangement was so agonising it took all week for my toes to uncurl. It’s crazy that Ella’s gone while Rylan remains. Tulisa and Louis seem to have materialised from some bizarre parallel universe where crap singing and being big-headed equates with quality entertainment. Could their obsession with naff novelty acts be the reason the show is losing viewers like Chelsea shed managers, or are we just fed-up with the puffed-up, dithering judges in general? ‘Deadlock’ is the worst cop-out. Why not install a head judge with a deciding vote? I’d stop the judges mentoring. It achieves nothing.

*PEOPLE are demanding Simon Cowell’s return to UK TV. Yes! He’d be perfect for Celebrity Embarrassing Bodies.

HOT on TV: World’s Strongest Man (C5)... Dennis O’Hare (True Blood, FX)... Secret State.

ROT on TV: Rylan (X Factor) – sucks like Tulisa... Stephen Fry: Gadget Man – Flop Gear... Question Time - as lively as a sloth on a Horlicks drip.

WHAT happened with the camerawork at Strictly’s Wembley show? A tripping Frank Gallagher has more sense of direction than Nikki Parsons. Her wide shots made the dancers look like sequinned ants. And why show their heads and shoulders when their feet do all the work?

*CRICKLEY Hall terrified me. The apparitions at the door, the bulbous pink monstrosity, the devilish sniggering home-owner... oh, sorry, that was Crinkly Bottom.

*CRICKLEY is a ghost-story set in Devil’s Cleave. No connection with Kim Kardashian, she has the Devil’s Cleavage.

*WHY do TV reporters ask Tony Blair for advice on Middle East peace? It’s like asking Alan Davies for guidance on Sally Bercow’s tweeting.

*ON Merlin the cook was told her dumplings were like “freshly-laid frog spawn wrapped in pig snot” – a recipe that can still be found on any Heston Blumenthal menu today.

*1001 Things You Should Know. Number 1002: Sandi Toksvig isn’t funny.

*JOEY is dating his cousin Lauren on EastEnders. At least he won’t have to get her tipsy to bed her. He’ll just have to sober her up.

SMALL Joys of TV: Rosemary Shrager kipping in a box full of crabs. Harry and Paul’s Sherlock On The Buses. Lillith, True Blood’s naked vampire goddess; nice to see that even evil ancient deities make time for a Brazilian.

RANDOM irritations: ‘Gaybrows’. Brucie’s gags. X Factor theme weeks. Gold wheeling out the likes of David Baddiel and Matthew Horne to comment on Morecambe & Wise - like punctuating a Paul Weller documentary with the opinions of the Cheeky Girls.

SEPARATED at birth: Linda Robson and Nick Nolte? One a once popular thespian whose weathered face has aged badly... the other some old soak from Nebraska. (Shame ITV bookers didn’t mix ’em up... )

JAKE, talking about his Beef Wellington on Come Dine With Me, revealed: “If the flaps aren’t securely closed, you could end up with a bit of beef hanging out.” Make of that what you will...

Nov 18. None of the other horrors in ITV’s jungle can compare with those mysterious, terrifying, blood-curdling noises you hear in the night. But enough about Rosemary Shrager’s snoring. And singing. And farting... Shrager getting stuck on a slide was the funniest image in a first week dominated by Helen Flanagan and Nadine Dorries, MP (Missing Politician). Helen is a complete flake, bottling out of trials, weeping and whining, refusing to eat a tasty baked spider. Her encounter with an ostrich in Cruelty Towers was hilarious. The loud and excitable feather-brained bird really freaked out the ostrich.

What a grizzling brat. Helen has to psych herself up just to use the dunny. In fairness though, her Flanagans look hot in a bikini and take our minds off the havoc the jungle is playing with her complexion.

Nadine is game for everything, except representing her constituents. She ate a camel toe – not the first time the skiving MP has opened her gob and put a foot straight in it. And got stuck into ‘bush oysters’ (lamb testicles) with impressive gusto, perhaps imagining they belonged to wetter members of the Cabinet.

MPs aren’t celebs of course and shouldn’t be encouraged to act like them, but I’m starting to think Nadine might be a visionary. After all, which of us wouldn’t relish the chance to regularly bombard politicians with hostile wildlife? Bug Burial would liven up Question Time no end. Sadly Nad’s plans for jungle debates on matters like the EU and abortion have come unstuck. Her politics have hit the cutting room floor, a shame because Linda Robson is Old Labour and well up for a row.

I’m more worried about my old pal Brian Conley. Brian blubbed after David Haye tossed his hot log (words I never thought I’d have to type). Was it sleep deprivation, food deprivation or just being deprived of the chance to rasp “It’s a puppet!” while chomping on a deep-fried rat?

This show is still full of small joys, such as Eric Bristow flailing about like a wounded walrus on a man-made lily-pad. And Limahl introducing himself as “I’m Limahl from the 80s” like he’s some kind of time traveller. Biggest drip is simpering nightclub PR Hugo, a huge embarrassment to the English upper classes. If Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton, I’m A Celebrity will be lost in the art room at Harrow.

*COLIN Baker, aka Dr Who-Ate-All-The-Pies, seems dull but with luck he’ll surprise us soon by regenerating into Sylvester McCoy.

*I’M A Celeb is renowned for its suspect grub, full of unsavoury ingredients. But hey, enough about Iceland...

*NADINE demolished an ostrich anus. Blimey. Some MPs kiss arse, many talk out of it. Trust Nad to bite one. The mid-Bedfordshire MP once accused her leaders as being “two arrogant posh boys”, which is ridiculous. They’re all arrogant posh boys.

*NADINE wanted to lower the abortion limit to 20weeks until meeting Helen. Now raising it to 22years makes sense.

*EATING camel toe? That’s what I call ‘bush’ tucker.

ITV’s tribute to Deirdre Barlow reminded us that before the turkey neck, a less dreary Deirdre was at the centre of Corrie’s greatest love triangle. In 1983, her pancake-flat voice worked Ken and Mike Baldwin into such a frenzy that they steamed up her spot-welder’s glasses. Then came Jon Lindsay, the fake airline pilot who flew her friendly thighs. With her huge lenses, Deirdre could watch a satellite in orbit but she couldn’t spot a con-man in her own bed. There was the shock of her jailing, the disappointment of her release. And what about her Moroccan husband, Samir Rachid? “Oh Diddery,” he said “Why do you spick so foolish?” He could talk. Poor Samir was murdered but his kidney kept Tracy alive, proving that in soaps, every cloud has a much darker cloud inside.

*MEMO to Marcus: are you nuts? Maria is jinxed! Her husband Liam and lover Charlie were both brutally murdered... Compared to Maria a black cat waltzing under a ladder on Friday 13th is an omen of extreme good fortune. Forget going straight, mate; get straight on t’train for that London instead.

COMETH The Hour, cometh more fine actors wasted in under-cooked dross. The BBC are trying and failing to sex-up a 1950s TV current affairs show. First writer Abi Morgan bolted on a dozy spy subplot. Now we get London’s gangland, which at least gives Hannah Tointon the chance to sparkle as showgirl Kiki Delaine, a cut-price Marilyn with a smile that could melt a cheese sandwich at ten paces. Yet even with Dominic West, Oona Chaplin and Peter Capaldi, The Hour is tough-going. It lacks pace, narrative drive, credible dialogue and captivating characters. Ironically, none of the Beeb’s fictional output comes close to the drama of the Corporation’s on-going crisis.

HOT on TV: Full English... Hannah Tointon (The Hour)... Broadwalk Empire (Sky Atlantic)... new Big Bang Theory (E4)... the ASDA mum.

ROT on TV: Children In Need, of better shows... Harry & Paul – lazy and self-indulgent... Friday Night Dinner – Sunday night bulimia.

HAVING difficulty understanding Tess Daly? These translations from Daly into English might come in handy: “Jodgezkozzarin” = The judges scores are in. “Ovachewcloddya” = Over to you, Claudia. “Olta-ny-skoppls” = All tonight's couples. “Nobbatakolliz” = The number to call is. “Battayubroosee” - Back to you, Brucie. I hope that helps.

*MARCUS Brigstocke searched for absolute nothing on Science Club. Idiot. Next time just look in a mirror.

*FIRST JLC, now DLT... ELO must be bricking it.

*TV name of the week: Fu King Wa of Hong Kong University (BBC News)

*WHAT does Pudsey actually stand for? Is it: Perverts Usually Drool Saliva Each Year? Or Predictable Under-Achieving Dross, Sadly Everybody Yawns.

*TV shows I’d like to see 1) Googling With Phillip Schofield 2) Alex Reid’s Sex Dungeon Make-Over 3) Help The Hopeless – a charity appeal for BBC executives... .

IS it possible to fall for a cartoon? Because Lana Kane on Archer is pretty damn hot. Warped? Maybe, but before you condemn me, consider my defence: Honeydew Melon (Top Cat), Penelope Pitstop (Wacky Races), Poison Ivy (Batman), Betty Rubble (The Flintstones), Daphne (Scoobydoo)...

SMALL Joys of TV: Chateau Chunder. Debbie Arnold as Corrie’s Carole Evans. Helen Flanagan’s tie-dyed turquoise bikini. Attenborough’s 60 Years in the Wild. He’s met jackals, snakes, pigs, worms, vermin and rats.  And that's just BBC management. 

RANDOM irritations: Celebrity talking heads on history shows. ITV’s use of the ludicrous phrase ‘Made In Chelsea star.’ BBC1 bringing back The Voice.

CELEB maths. Dean Gaffney + Freddie Mercury = Hugo Taylor.

Nov 11. The Downton Abbey finale walked a thin line between happy ending and complete cop-out. Much of it was harder to swallow than a Bushtucker Trial. Lady Mary revealed that she’d popped out for a secret gynaecological operation. Some kind of blockage was removed, presumably the remnants of an old Turkish condom. Cue fifty shades of Earl Grey and a Downton heir by Xmas Day. Hooray!

There was an unlikely reprieve for gay Thomas, who ended the episode “Under-Butler”, somewhere he’d no doubt always wanted to be. The Earl was understanding, saying: “If I’d shouted blue murder every time someone tried to kiss me at Eton, I’d have gone hoarse in the mouth.” Phil Schofield has their names... (For an actual horse in the mouth, see Ethel’s price list.)

Even Bates stood up for Thomas, asking Jimmy, the object of his midnight lust: “Why do you have to be such a big girl’s blouse about it?” What was more surprising, Downton going all Stonewall on us or Bates employing a phrase that was first used by Nellie Pledge in Nearest & Dearest four decades later? Naturally everyone forgot that Thomas is and has always been a complete and utter creep.

Elsewhere evil O’Brien was dealt with; there was some nonsense involving Random Rose, a hitherto unmentioned niece of the Dowager. And Edith discovered that the newspaper editor offering her six column inches up the back was married. Scandalous! She was so horrified, she totally forgot she’d had a fling with a married farmer during the War. But it’s okay, the Editor’s wife’s in an asylum. (She breaks out next year after bedding a laundry man, headline: Nut Screws Washer and Bolts.)

The big story was economic, with the Earl’s authority being undermined by middle class Matthew and Tom, the Fenian ex-chauffeur, who has sold out quicker than a One Direction arena tour. He’s gone from flying the flag for revolution to throwing tenant farmers off their land and playing cricket with the nobs. Faced by a management take-over, the Earl rolled over and gave up – accurately mirroring the actual decline of Britain’s aristocracy. If you ask me, the best of his class perished in World War I and it’s been downhill ever since.

*SHOCK allegations on Schofield’s list: Captain Haddock, Montgomery Burns, Officer Dibble...

*I FEAR that Dara O’Briain’s good work for science is being undone by Dr Arden on AHS: Asylum. Even South Park’s Dr Mephesto would find the bloke a tad unhinged. When he isn’t turning inmates into monstrous hybrids, Arden is wiping their memories with EST (horrible, but after sitting through X Factor almost welcome.) Asylum also leads the field in euphemisms for female body parts, such as “smelly clam” and “mossy bank” (Sister Jude’s is closer to a stagnant pond.) I like sex-mad Shelley who begged Arden (James Cromwell) to “Bend me over a bread rack and pound me into shape.” (Is that roll play?) But there’s no asylum official to root for. They’re all smelly clams.

*DARA’S Science Show claimed the bicycle revolutionised human reproduction cos we no longer had to have sex with people on our doorstep – a serious blow for milkmen but a welcome relief for many an elderly Jehovah’s Witness.

X FACTOR is on the ropes. It’s lost more millions than Bernie Madoff and here’s why - it’s dull, predictable and more rigged than the Spanish Armada. Those judges are either completely cloth-eared... or they’re deliberately axing strong singers so the producers can control who wins (Ella). Are we seriously supposed to think weepy, spray-tanned bore Chris is in the running? Or that Rylan who resembles a Latvian Eurovision entry in a weak year is “entertaining” ((c) Louis Walsh)? Most weeks the judges’ staged squabbles are the only memorable thing about a show that has become more endurance test than entertainment. It needs new judges and better editing, but more than that it needs a rest. It’s become a parody of itself.

*GARY Barlow accused Tulisa of having “fag breath”; considering some of the things she’s had in her gob, it could have been a lot worse...

*NICOLE Scherzinger was giving X Factor performance tips when she said: “Everyone has to go hard or go home.” By coincidence, also the orgy instructions on Spartacus...

HOT on TV: Secret State – a fairytale for the paranoid... Kelly Overton (True Blood)... Dallas season finale.

ROT on TV: Andrew Marr – history lessened... Five Go To Rehab – Comic Strip goes to pot... Heston Blumenthal – over-egged... SCD: It Takes Two seconds to turn over.

*SOME say EastEnders is out of touch with reality, but whose local fireworks party didn’t involve sexy semi-clad female dancers brought in by the neighbourhood Muslims?

*HOW times change, for the last ten years Freddie Starr couldn’t get arrested...

*NADINE Dorries had to choose between Cameron’s Conservatives or ITV’s jungle; one a terrifying hellhole full of rats, maggots and backstabbers, the other a TV show fronted by Ant & Dec... She’s swapped one circus for another.

*COLIN Baker is in it. Apparently he’s 69. Yeah, stone. I’m rooting for Brian Conley. How long before the old rascal claps eyes on Ashley Roberts and rasps “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Into Her”?

*ON True Blood, Sam’s girlfriend turned into his double. So he could finally go f... ind himself. She and a pal should morph into Nicki Minaj next; then Sam could enjoy a Minaj à trios.

*STRICTLY worked perfectly well without Brucie. If they could just lose Barking Bruno, lazy-eyed Daly and Squinting Winkleman they’ll have cracked it.

*ON Arrow, Oliver Queen faced a costumed assassin called Dead Shot. Not to be confused with Ardal O’Hanlon’s Thermoman, he was Dead Shit.

SMALL Joys of TV: Werewolf sex on True Blood – giving new meaning to the expression wolfing down. The use of Howling Wolf’s Smokestack Lightnin’ during same. Downton jazz; what attracted the upper classes to jazz? Isn’t it obvious? Count Basie, Duke Ellington, Earl Hines...

RANDOM irritations: ‘vibration training’ – nowhere near as much fun as it sounds. Harry Enfield’s ‘box-set bores’ – they’d have more impact if BBC1’s drama output wasn’t so lousy. Rather a Breaking Bad box-set than Bonekickers.

TV maths: Robert Bathurst + Michael Palin = Downton’s Charles Edwards.

Nov 4. HALLOWEEN night got off to a chilling start with stark images of a decrepit old monster reaching out from beyond the grave. And after the latest Jimmy Savile revelations, we got Celebrity Come Dine With Me. That’s ‘celebrity’ in the loosest sense of the word, of course: ‘psychic’ Sally Morgan, Katie Price’s dim-witted, cross-dressing ex Alex Reid, and renowned pumpkin smuggler Nicola McLean. Granted C4 did book genuine movie star Robert ‘Freddy Krueger’ Englund too, but his idea of a main meal was a tuna sandwich so we weren’t talking gourmets.

Those who think Sally Morgan is a cynical fraud found nothing here to change their minds. When Reid’s cat knocked over a glass of wine and took off in fright, Morgan claimed “There’s a spirit in this house.” Of course there is, Sal. Unless the cat just freaked itself out, like cats do... Psychics were once banned from mainstream telly because most are clearly conmen and ghouls preying on the vulnerable and bereaved. Nothing has changed except our standards.

Reid came dressed as Hannibal the Cannibal, though he’d have looked a damn sight scarier as Roxanne, his pug-ugly transvestite alter-ego. Nicola, always good value, told him he was “fame-hungry and self-indulgent” but later decided he’s just a bit of a div. I’m not so sure. The mother of Reid’s child says he turned their home into a sex dungeon when she was eight months pregnant, making her kip on the floor. Nice.

Why is modern TV so keen on making ‘celebrities’ of such creeps? It’s become an assembly line for talentless non-entities. And if you think they’re bad, look at the characters in dramas. A vigilante serial killer (Dexter), two-faced, pill-popping cheat Nurse Jackie, the lying, thieving, work-shy dregs of Shameless... Who needs Halloween? Every night is fright night. Throw in the constant drip-drip diet of murder, deceit and betrayal on soaps and you don’t have to be David Starkey to realise this might just have a detrimental effect on our values and our culture. Writers protest that the vile and villainous are easier to make watchable. Well, try harder! Give us hope, love, aspiration, loyalty. Our sense of what is right and wrong, of what life is about, is slowly being eroded.

IF Benny Hill had come up with the sketches in Harry & Paul, there would have been uproar. Parking Pataweyo (“Racist!”), old gits lusting over Sarah Vine’s “grope-able” breasts (“Sexist!”), “Is he quare?” (“Homophobes!”)... There must be different rules if you’re privately educated, middle class and Right-On of Hampstead. All is forgivable if you’re funny, of course. This isn’t. It’s lazy, dull and unexpectedly revealing. H&P’s Question Time spoof targeted the audience more than politicians. Isn’t this the standard BBC/establishment view? That the ‘little people” who pay licence fees (and taxes) should stop making a fuss and just put up with what we’re given?

“TRICK or Treat” has different connotations in EastEnders. Tricks were traditionally turned by Mary, Janine and Kelly. While slippery Syed is so wooden he should be ‘treated’ for Ash dieback disease. For Halloween, the soap tried painting a thin veneer of weak comedy over its usual relentless misery. Fat-Boy led a toe-curling ghost-walk in broad day-light, as you would. Although in fairness he did manage to put the willies up Denise recently. And besides, if anywhere deserves haunting it’s Albert Square where the leading cause of death is always murder. In this season of wicked old witches Carol Jackson returned. Coincidence? There were ghoulies, Wonder Woman (eh?), and a skeleton (Lucy). But elsewhere it was soap business as usual: Christian got battered, Dirty Del was dastardly. And Sharon and Phil got back together, yet again. It’s Walford, folks, where the nightmare never ends.

*BBC1 announcer: “Carol’s back and ready to take Derek in hand.” An unpleasant image, but sicker things have happened. Probably.

*Footnote: the scientific name for Ash dieback disease is Chalara Fraxinea. Didn’t she go out with Spencer on Made In Chelsea?

HOT on TV: Last Resort (Sky1)... Homeland... new Mentalist (C5)... Rachel Riley (8 Out Of 10 Cats) – not witty, just gorgeous.

ROT on TV: Don’t Sit In The Front Row – go out and see some comedy instead... Surprise Surprise – there’s no surprise, it’s still cack... Points Of View – censored views, no point... Celebrity Come Doze With Me.

CANINGS, nymphomaniacs, bare buttocks, aliens, randy nuns in saucy red lingerie... I wasn’t sure if I was watching American Horror Story: Asylum or a direct link to Max Mosley’s dreams. (It was Asylum, Max has no interest in aliens... )

*JUST time for a quick up-date from Michaela Strachan on Autumn Watch: “We’ve had plenty of beaver action and lots of you have been enjoying that online.” Blimey.

*THEY had Halloween in TOWIE, the ghosts were vajazzled. The big shock came when the pumpkins dried out and started to look like Nanny Pat...

*GARY Barlow is to play Miranda Hart’s love interest on Miranda. They know he can act, they’ve seen him on X Factor.

*HILARY Devey went missing from Dragons’ Den last week. Why? Did she have a house to haunt?

*I’D like a wetsuit kimono, as featured on Young Apprentice, but worry it might clash with my traditional sari mankini... A wet-suit kimono – perfect for New York this season.

*LAST Resort is gripping. A US nuclear sub goes rogue after refusing a dodgy order to bomb Pakistan. Tense, paranoid, thrilling... as drama it scores a direct hit. But here’s my question: when did submarine cloaking system designers get as hot as Autumn Reeser? (See also navigator Daisy Betts. Up periscope!)

SMALL Joys of TV: Eric Sykes night. Horror Europa. Weller at the BBC. Joey Essex as “Hover Man”. Emily Maitlis modelling a Sontarian collar on Newsnight; not the first Doctor Who crossover - Paxman’s sneer always reminds me of those Judoon rhino aliens.

SEPARATED at birth: Bride of Chucky and the lovely Nicola McLean, one ruthless, terrifying and predatory, the other a doll.

RANDOM irritations: one-trick pony Louie Spence getting booked for comedy panel shows. Motorway tolls. Getting On going off. Jade Ellis getting cynically shafted on X Factor. BBC boss George Entwistle – there are shop window dummies with more vision.

QUESTIONS: What did Lady Gaga wear for Halloween? Is Simon Cowell storing nuts for the winter? What’s limper, Brucie’s Strictly jokes or Richard Arnold’s handshake?

MY new book Time For Action about the Mod Revival is out now and I have ONE (worth £9.99) to give away to the first seven correct entries drawn out of the hat. Just tell me who were a 1979 Mod band: a) Love Affair b) Secret Affair or c) Victoria’s Secret? Answer on a postcard by Wednesday to Garry’s Mod Contest, PO Box 10220, Sutton Coldfield, B76 1ZH. Usual Daily Star Sunday rules apply. Time For Action is published by Countdown Books and is on sale only in HMV.