Nov 25. NADINE leaving I’m A Celebrity was the most disappointing
exit this side of Man City’s dismal Champions League campaign.
She should have been grabbed, bagged and frogmarched home to
face the righteous wrath of her constituents. Even in her eviction
interview, Nad maintained the weasel lie that she’d only gone
into ITV’s jungle to take her politics to the people. More vote
for X Factor than in elections, she said. Hmm. Millions watch
football too, but I doubt that we’d like to see Eric Pickles
playing wide midfield for the Magpies, bellowing at the ref
about restoring weekly bin collections between pie breaks.
QPR, maybe. He couldn’t do any worse...
Voters are apathetic, Nad, because voting changes nothing.
Whoever we elect, Government policies stay the same; while issues
people actually care about – jobs, housing, the NHS - remain
un-tackled. Still as long as John Prescott gets on Mr. & Mrs.
and Ann Widdecombe is a Children In Need “highlight”, I’m sure
we’ll suffer it.
I’m A Celeb, meanwhile, has gone lacklustre on us. No-one
is delivering much in the way of entertainment, and those cardboard
cut-outs exhibited more energy than Linda Robson.
Where is the sexual chemistry (Peter & Katie? Cerys & Marc)?
Where are the blazing rows, and monster egos like David Van
Day and Janice Dickinson? Remember them? He came by plane, she
came by Ouija board...
Even this year’s trials have a “this’ll do” feel. ‘Bed Bugs’
proved for the umpteenth time that human beings aren’t keen
on being cooped up with cockroaches. Enough of the creepy-crawlies!
Give us ’gators, sharks, wild dingoes and boxing kangaroos!
We want death-defying, high-rise challenges and ever more repulsive
Eric Bristow’s mickey-taking has been the one source of constant
joy. When Helen came back emptied-handed, telling her campmates
“I’m glad I came”, Eric retorted: “We’re not, we’re f**king
starving.” He claimed Hugo had “a golden spoon up his arse”,
and teased Rosemary about her weight which went down like a
pole-axed hippo. The Crafty Cockney is more Sarky Cockney these
days. I love it, but given how wet this country has become he’ll
probably go out tonight.
*BRIAN Conley acting strangely was no surprise. We all saw
him in The Grimleys.
*TRAGEDY for Limahl on Thursday. He suddenly realised he isn’t
popular, only 28 years after his last hit.
KIT and Grace had sex in the bakery on American Horror Story:
Asylum, a service I’ve yet to experience in Greggs. (I generally
put any strange ooze down to pastie seepage but you never know.)
Jude asked if they were “trying to make a murder-baby”, which
I believe is Take Me Out’s mission statement. It’s definitely
what Derek Branning has been doing with Kat Moon.
*BAKERY sex? Kneads must! It’d make your eyes water. Have
you seen the girth on a French stick?
*THIS show is sick. If the AHS: Asylum writers were scripting
Corrie, Kirsty’s abuse of Tyrone would involve an over-sized
*LESBIAN ‘aversion’ treatment on Asylum involved bombarding
inmates with pin-ups while making them throw-up, although apparently
sitting through Sue Perkins’s stand-up act works just as well.
CLOTH-eared Tulisa got Ella booted off X Factor by saddling
her with that god-awful dirge version of You’re The One That
I Want. The arrangement was so agonising it took all week for
my toes to uncurl. It’s crazy that Ella’s gone while Rylan remains.
Tulisa and Louis seem to have materialised from some bizarre
parallel universe where crap singing and being big-headed equates
with quality entertainment. Could their obsession with naff
novelty acts be the reason the show is losing viewers like Chelsea
shed managers, or are we just fed-up with the puffed-up, dithering
judges in general? ‘Deadlock’ is the worst cop-out. Why not
install a head judge with a deciding vote? I’d stop the judges
mentoring. It achieves nothing.
*PEOPLE are demanding Simon Cowell’s return to UK TV. Yes!
He’d be perfect for Celebrity Embarrassing Bodies.
HOT on TV: World’s Strongest Man (C5)... Dennis O’Hare (True
Blood, FX)... Secret State.
ROT on TV: Rylan (X Factor) – sucks like Tulisa... Stephen
Fry: Gadget Man – Flop Gear... Question Time - as lively as
a sloth on a Horlicks drip.
WHAT happened with the camerawork at Strictly’s Wembley show?
A tripping Frank Gallagher has more sense of direction than
Nikki Parsons. Her wide shots made the dancers look like sequinned
ants. And why show their heads and shoulders when their feet
do all the work?
*CRICKLEY Hall terrified me. The apparitions at the door,
the bulbous pink monstrosity, the devilish sniggering home-owner...
oh, sorry, that was Crinkly Bottom.
*CRICKLEY is a ghost-story set in Devil’s Cleave. No connection
with Kim Kardashian, she has the Devil’s Cleavage.
*WHY do TV reporters ask Tony Blair for advice on Middle East
peace? It’s like asking Alan Davies for guidance on Sally Bercow’s
*ON Merlin the cook was told her dumplings were like “freshly-laid
frog spawn wrapped in pig snot” – a recipe that can still be
found on any Heston Blumenthal menu today.
*1001 Things You Should Know. Number 1002: Sandi Toksvig isn’t
*JOEY is dating his cousin Lauren on EastEnders. At least
he won’t have to get her tipsy to bed her. He’ll just have to
sober her up.
SMALL Joys of TV: Rosemary Shrager kipping in a box full of
crabs. Harry and Paul’s Sherlock On The Buses. Lillith, True
Blood’s naked vampire goddess; nice to see that even evil ancient
deities make time for a Brazilian.
RANDOM irritations: ‘Gaybrows’. Brucie’s gags. X Factor theme
weeks. Gold wheeling out the likes of David Baddiel and Matthew
Horne to comment on Morecambe & Wise - like punctuating a Paul
Weller documentary with the opinions of the Cheeky Girls.
SEPARATED at birth: Linda Robson and Nick Nolte? One a once
popular thespian whose weathered face has aged badly... the
other some old soak from Nebraska. (Shame ITV bookers didn’t
mix ’em up... )
JAKE, talking about his Beef Wellington on Come Dine With Me,
revealed: “If the flaps aren’t securely closed, you could end
up with a bit of beef hanging out.” Make of that what you will...
Nov 18. None of the other horrors in ITV’s jungle can compare
with those mysterious, terrifying, blood-curdling noises you
hear in the night. But enough about Rosemary Shrager’s snoring.
And singing. And farting... Shrager getting stuck on a slide
was the funniest image in a first week dominated by Helen Flanagan
and Nadine Dorries, MP (Missing Politician). Helen is a complete
flake, bottling out of trials, weeping and whining, refusing
to eat a tasty baked spider. Her encounter with an ostrich in
Cruelty Towers was hilarious. The loud and excitable feather-brained
bird really freaked out the ostrich.
What a grizzling brat. Helen has to psych herself up just
to use the dunny. In fairness though, her Flanagans look hot
in a bikini and take our minds off the havoc the jungle is playing
with her complexion.
Nadine is game for everything, except representing her constituents.
She ate a camel toe – not the first time the skiving MP has
opened her gob and put a foot straight in it. And got stuck
into ‘bush oysters’ (lamb testicles) with impressive gusto,
perhaps imagining they belonged to wetter members of the Cabinet.
MPs aren’t celebs of course and shouldn’t be encouraged to
act like them, but I’m starting to think Nadine might be a visionary.
After all, which of us wouldn’t relish the chance to regularly
bombard politicians with hostile wildlife? Bug Burial would
liven up Question Time no end. Sadly Nad’s plans for jungle
debates on matters like the EU and abortion have come unstuck.
Her politics have hit the cutting room floor, a shame because
Linda Robson is Old Labour and well up for a row.
I’m more worried about my old pal Brian Conley. Brian blubbed
after David Haye tossed his hot log (words I never thought I’d
have to type). Was it sleep deprivation, food deprivation or
just being deprived of the chance to rasp “It’s a puppet!” while
chomping on a deep-fried rat?
This show is still full of small joys, such as Eric Bristow
flailing about like a wounded walrus on a man-made lily-pad.
And Limahl introducing himself as “I’m Limahl from the 80s”
like he’s some kind of time traveller. Biggest drip is simpering
nightclub PR Hugo, a huge embarrassment to the English upper
classes. If Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton,
I’m A Celebrity will be lost in the art room at Harrow.
*COLIN Baker, aka Dr Who-Ate-All-The-Pies, seems dull but
with luck he’ll surprise us soon by regenerating into Sylvester
*I’M A Celeb is renowned for its suspect grub, full of unsavoury
ingredients. But hey, enough about Iceland...
*NADINE demolished an ostrich anus. Blimey. Some MPs kiss
arse, many talk out of it. Trust Nad to bite one. The mid-Bedfordshire
MP once accused her leaders as being “two arrogant posh boys”,
which is ridiculous. They’re all arrogant posh boys.
*NADINE wanted to lower the abortion limit to 20weeks until
meeting Helen. Now raising it to 22years makes sense.
*EATING camel toe? That’s what I call ‘bush’ tucker.
ITV’s tribute to Deirdre Barlow reminded us that before the
turkey neck, a less dreary Deirdre was at the centre of Corrie’s
greatest love triangle. In 1983, her pancake-flat voice worked
Ken and Mike Baldwin into such a frenzy that they steamed up
her spot-welder’s glasses. Then came Jon Lindsay, the fake airline
pilot who flew her friendly thighs. With her huge lenses, Deirdre
could watch a satellite in orbit but she couldn’t spot a con-man
in her own bed. There was the shock of her jailing, the disappointment
of her release. And what about her Moroccan husband, Samir Rachid?
“Oh Diddery,” he said “Why do you spick so foolish?” He could
talk. Poor Samir was murdered but his kidney kept Tracy alive,
proving that in soaps, every cloud has a much darker cloud inside.
*MEMO to Marcus: are you nuts? Maria is jinxed! Her husband
Liam and lover Charlie were both brutally murdered... Compared
to Maria a black cat waltzing under a ladder on Friday 13th
is an omen of extreme good fortune. Forget going straight, mate;
get straight on t’train for that London instead.
COMETH The Hour, cometh more fine actors wasted in under-cooked
dross. The BBC are trying and failing to sex-up a 1950s TV current
affairs show. First writer Abi Morgan bolted on a dozy spy subplot.
Now we get London’s gangland, which at least gives Hannah Tointon
the chance to sparkle as showgirl Kiki Delaine, a cut-price
Marilyn with a smile that could melt a cheese sandwich at ten
paces. Yet even with Dominic West, Oona Chaplin and Peter Capaldi,
The Hour is tough-going. It lacks pace, narrative drive, credible
dialogue and captivating characters. Ironically, none of the
Beeb’s fictional output comes close to the drama of the Corporation’s
HOT on TV: Full English... Hannah Tointon (The Hour)... Broadwalk
Empire (Sky Atlantic)... new Big Bang Theory (E4)... the ASDA
ROT on TV: Children In Need, of better shows... Harry & Paul
– lazy and self-indulgent... Friday Night Dinner – Sunday night
HAVING difficulty understanding Tess Daly? These translations
from Daly into English might come in handy: “Jodgezkozzarin”
= The judges scores are in. “Ovachewcloddya” = Over to you,
Claudia. “Olta-ny-skoppls” = All tonight's couples. “Nobbatakolliz”
= The number to call is. “Battayubroosee” - Back to you, Brucie.
I hope that helps.
*MARCUS Brigstocke searched for absolute nothing on Science
Club. Idiot. Next time just look in a mirror.
*FIRST JLC, now DLT... ELO must be bricking it.
*TV name of the week: Fu King Wa of Hong Kong University (BBC
*WHAT does Pudsey actually stand for? Is it: Perverts Usually
Drool Saliva Each Year? Or Predictable Under-Achieving Dross,
Sadly Everybody Yawns.
*TV shows I’d like to see 1) Googling With Phillip Schofield
2) Alex Reid’s Sex Dungeon Make-Over 3) Help The Hopeless –
a charity appeal for BBC executives... .
IS it possible to fall for a cartoon? Because Lana Kane on
Archer is pretty damn hot. Warped? Maybe, but before you condemn
me, consider my defence: Honeydew Melon (Top Cat), Penelope
Pitstop (Wacky Races), Poison Ivy (Batman), Betty Rubble (The
Flintstones), Daphne (Scoobydoo)...
SMALL Joys of TV: Chateau Chunder. Debbie Arnold as Corrie’s
Carole Evans. Helen Flanagan’s tie-dyed turquoise bikini. Attenborough’s
60 Years in the Wild. He’s met jackals, snakes, pigs, worms,
vermin and rats. And that's just BBC management.
RANDOM irritations: Celebrity talking heads on history shows.
ITV’s use of the ludicrous phrase ‘Made In Chelsea star.’ BBC1
bringing back The Voice.
CELEB maths. Dean Gaffney + Freddie Mercury = Hugo Taylor.
Nov 11. The Downton Abbey finale walked a thin line between
happy ending and complete cop-out. Much of it was harder to
swallow than a Bushtucker Trial. Lady Mary revealed that she’d
popped out for a secret gynaecological operation. Some kind
of blockage was removed, presumably the remnants of an old Turkish
condom. Cue fifty shades of Earl Grey and a Downton heir by
Xmas Day. Hooray!
There was an unlikely reprieve for gay Thomas, who ended the
episode “Under-Butler”, somewhere he’d no doubt always wanted
to be. The Earl was understanding, saying: “If I’d shouted blue
murder every time someone tried to kiss me at Eton, I’d have
gone hoarse in the mouth.” Phil Schofield has their names...
(For an actual horse in the mouth, see Ethel’s price list.)
Even Bates stood up for Thomas, asking Jimmy, the object of
his midnight lust: “Why do you have to be such a big girl’s
blouse about it?” What was more surprising, Downton going all
Stonewall on us or Bates employing a phrase that was first used
by Nellie Pledge in Nearest & Dearest four decades later? Naturally
everyone forgot that Thomas is and has always been a complete
and utter creep.
Elsewhere evil O’Brien was dealt with; there was some nonsense
involving Random Rose, a hitherto unmentioned niece of the Dowager.
And Edith discovered that the newspaper editor offering her
six column inches up the back was married. Scandalous! She was
so horrified, she totally forgot she’d had a fling with a married
farmer during the War. But it’s okay, the Editor’s wife’s in
an asylum. (She breaks out next year after bedding a laundry
man, headline: Nut Screws Washer and Bolts.)
The big story was economic, with the Earl’s authority being
undermined by middle class Matthew and Tom, the Fenian ex-chauffeur,
who has sold out quicker than a One Direction arena tour. He’s
gone from flying the flag for revolution to throwing tenant
farmers off their land and playing cricket with the nobs. Faced
by a management take-over, the Earl rolled over and gave up
– accurately mirroring the actual decline of Britain’s aristocracy.
If you ask me, the best of his class perished in World War I
and it’s been downhill ever since.
*SHOCK allegations on Schofield’s list: Captain Haddock, Montgomery
Burns, Officer Dibble...
*I FEAR that Dara O’Briain’s good work for science is being
undone by Dr Arden on AHS: Asylum. Even South Park’s Dr Mephesto
would find the bloke a tad unhinged. When he isn’t turning inmates
into monstrous hybrids, Arden is wiping their memories with
EST (horrible, but after sitting through X Factor almost welcome.)
Asylum also leads the field in euphemisms for female body parts,
such as “smelly clam” and “mossy bank” (Sister Jude’s is closer
to a stagnant pond.) I like sex-mad Shelley who begged Arden
(James Cromwell) to “Bend me over a bread rack and pound me
into shape.” (Is that roll play?) But there’s no asylum official
to root for. They’re all smelly clams.
*DARA’S Science Show claimed the bicycle revolutionised human
reproduction cos we no longer had to have sex with people on
our doorstep – a serious blow for milkmen but a welcome relief
for many an elderly Jehovah’s Witness.
X FACTOR is on the ropes. It’s lost more millions than Bernie
Madoff and here’s why - it’s dull, predictable and more rigged
than the Spanish Armada. Those judges are either completely
cloth-eared... or they’re deliberately axing strong singers
so the producers can control who wins (Ella). Are we seriously
supposed to think weepy, spray-tanned bore Chris is in the running?
Or that Rylan who resembles a Latvian Eurovision entry in a
weak year is “entertaining” ((c) Louis Walsh)? Most weeks the
judges’ staged squabbles are the only memorable thing about
a show that has become more endurance test than entertainment.
It needs new judges and better editing, but more than that it
needs a rest. It’s become a parody of itself.
*GARY Barlow accused Tulisa of having “fag breath”; considering
some of the things she’s had in her gob, it could have been
a lot worse...
*NICOLE Scherzinger was giving X Factor performance tips when
she said: “Everyone has to go hard or go home.” By coincidence,
also the orgy instructions on Spartacus...
HOT on TV: Secret State – a fairytale for the paranoid...
Kelly Overton (True Blood)... Dallas season finale.
ROT on TV: Andrew Marr – history lessened... Five Go To Rehab
– Comic Strip goes to pot... Heston Blumenthal – over-egged...
SCD: It Takes Two seconds to turn over.
*SOME say EastEnders is out of touch with reality, but whose
local fireworks party didn’t involve sexy semi-clad female dancers
brought in by the neighbourhood Muslims?
*HOW times change, for the last ten years Freddie Starr couldn’t
*NADINE Dorries had to choose between Cameron’s Conservatives
or ITV’s jungle; one a terrifying hellhole full of rats, maggots
and backstabbers, the other a TV show fronted by Ant & Dec...
She’s swapped one circus for another.
*COLIN Baker is in it. Apparently he’s 69. Yeah, stone. I’m
rooting for Brian Conley. How long before the old rascal claps
eyes on Ashley Roberts and rasps “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Into
*ON True Blood, Sam’s girlfriend turned into his double. So
he could finally go f... ind himself. She and a pal should morph
into Nicki Minaj next; then Sam could enjoy a Minaj à trios.
*STRICTLY worked perfectly well without Brucie. If they could
just lose Barking Bruno, lazy-eyed Daly and Squinting Winkleman
they’ll have cracked it.
*ON Arrow, Oliver Queen faced a costumed assassin called Dead
Shot. Not to be confused with Ardal O’Hanlon’s Thermoman, he
was Dead Shit.
SMALL Joys of TV: Werewolf sex on True Blood – giving new
meaning to the expression wolfing down. The use of Howling Wolf’s
Smokestack Lightnin’ during same. Downton jazz; what attracted
the upper classes to jazz? Isn’t it obvious? Count Basie, Duke
Ellington, Earl Hines...
RANDOM irritations: ‘vibration training’ – nowhere near as
much fun as it sounds. Harry Enfield’s ‘box-set bores’ – they’d
have more impact if BBC1’s drama output wasn’t so lousy. Rather
a Breaking Bad box-set than Bonekickers.
TV maths: Robert Bathurst + Michael Palin = Downton’s Charles
Nov 4. HALLOWEEN night got off to a chilling start with stark
images of a decrepit old monster reaching out from beyond the
grave. And after the latest Jimmy Savile revelations, we got
Celebrity Come Dine With Me. That’s ‘celebrity’ in the loosest
sense of the word, of course: ‘psychic’ Sally Morgan, Katie
Price’s dim-witted, cross-dressing ex Alex Reid, and renowned
pumpkin smuggler Nicola McLean. Granted C4 did book genuine
movie star Robert ‘Freddy Krueger’ Englund too, but his idea
of a main meal was a tuna sandwich so we weren’t talking gourmets.
Those who think Sally Morgan is a cynical fraud found nothing
here to change their minds. When Reid’s cat knocked over a glass
of wine and took off in fright, Morgan claimed “There’s a spirit
in this house.” Of course there is, Sal. Unless the cat just
freaked itself out, like cats do... Psychics were once banned
from mainstream telly because most are clearly conmen and ghouls
preying on the vulnerable and bereaved. Nothing has changed
except our standards.
Reid came dressed as Hannibal the Cannibal, though he’d have
looked a damn sight scarier as Roxanne, his pug-ugly transvestite
alter-ego. Nicola, always good value, told him he was “fame-hungry
and self-indulgent” but later decided he’s just a bit of a div.
I’m not so sure. The mother of Reid’s child says he turned their
home into a sex dungeon when she was eight months pregnant,
making her kip on the floor. Nice.
Why is modern TV so keen on making ‘celebrities’ of such creeps?
It’s become an assembly line for talentless non-entities. And
if you think they’re bad, look at the characters in dramas.
A vigilante serial killer (Dexter), two-faced, pill-popping
cheat Nurse Jackie, the lying, thieving, work-shy dregs of Shameless...
Who needs Halloween? Every night is fright night. Throw in the
constant drip-drip diet of murder, deceit and betrayal on soaps
and you don’t have to be David Starkey to realise this might
just have a detrimental effect on our values and our culture.
Writers protest that the vile and villainous are easier to make
watchable. Well, try harder! Give us hope, love, aspiration,
loyalty. Our sense of what is right and wrong, of what life
is about, is slowly being eroded.
IF Benny Hill had come up with the sketches in Harry & Paul,
there would have been uproar. Parking Pataweyo (“Racist!”),
old gits lusting over Sarah Vine’s “grope-able” breasts (“Sexist!”),
“Is he quare?” (“Homophobes!”)... There must be different rules
if you’re privately educated, middle class and Right-On of Hampstead.
All is forgivable if you’re funny, of course. This isn’t. It’s
lazy, dull and unexpectedly revealing. H&P’s Question Time spoof
targeted the audience more than politicians. Isn’t this the
standard BBC/establishment view? That the ‘little people” who
pay licence fees (and taxes) should stop making a fuss and just
put up with what we’re given?
“TRICK or Treat” has different connotations in EastEnders.
Tricks were traditionally turned by Mary, Janine and Kelly.
While slippery Syed is so wooden he should be ‘treated’ for
Ash dieback disease. For Halloween, the soap tried painting
a thin veneer of weak comedy over its usual relentless misery.
Fat-Boy led a toe-curling ghost-walk in broad day-light, as
you would. Although in fairness he did manage to put the willies
up Denise recently. And besides, if anywhere deserves haunting
it’s Albert Square where the leading cause of death is always
murder. In this season of wicked old witches Carol Jackson returned.
Coincidence? There were ghoulies, Wonder Woman (eh?), and a
skeleton (Lucy). But elsewhere it was soap business as usual:
Christian got battered, Dirty Del was dastardly. And Sharon
and Phil got back together, yet again. It’s Walford, folks,
where the nightmare never ends.
*BBC1 announcer: “Carol’s back and ready to take Derek in
hand.” An unpleasant image, but sicker things have happened.
*Footnote: the scientific name for Ash dieback disease is
Chalara Fraxinea. Didn’t she go out with Spencer on Made In
HOT on TV: Last Resort (Sky1)... Homeland... new Mentalist
(C5)... Rachel Riley (8 Out Of 10 Cats) – not witty, just gorgeous.
ROT on TV: Don’t Sit In The Front Row – go out and see some
comedy instead... Surprise Surprise – there’s no surprise, it’s
still cack... Points Of View – censored views, no point... Celebrity
Come Doze With Me.
CANINGS, nymphomaniacs, bare buttocks, aliens, randy nuns
in saucy red lingerie... I wasn’t sure if I was watching American
Horror Story: Asylum or a direct link to Max Mosley’s dreams.
(It was Asylum, Max has no interest in aliens... )
*JUST time for a quick up-date from Michaela Strachan on Autumn
Watch: “We’ve had plenty of beaver action and lots of you have
been enjoying that online.” Blimey.
*THEY had Halloween in TOWIE, the ghosts were vajazzled. The
big shock came when the pumpkins dried out and started to look
like Nanny Pat...
*GARY Barlow is to play Miranda Hart’s love interest on Miranda.
They know he can act, they’ve seen him on X Factor.
*HILARY Devey went missing from Dragons’ Den last week. Why?
Did she have a house to haunt?
*I’D like a wetsuit kimono, as featured on Young Apprentice,
but worry it might clash with my traditional sari mankini...
A wet-suit kimono – perfect for New York this season.
*LAST Resort is gripping. A US nuclear sub goes rogue after
refusing a dodgy order to bomb Pakistan. Tense, paranoid, thrilling...
as drama it scores a direct hit. But here’s my question: when
did submarine cloaking system designers get as hot as Autumn
Reeser? (See also navigator Daisy Betts. Up periscope!)
SMALL Joys of TV: Eric Sykes night. Horror Europa. Weller
at the BBC. Joey Essex as “Hover Man”. Emily Maitlis modelling
a Sontarian collar on Newsnight; not the first Doctor Who crossover
- Paxman’s sneer always reminds me of those Judoon rhino aliens.
SEPARATED at birth: Bride of Chucky and the lovely Nicola
McLean, one ruthless, terrifying and predatory, the other a
RANDOM irritations: one-trick pony Louie Spence getting booked
for comedy panel shows. Motorway tolls. Getting On going off.
Jade Ellis getting cynically shafted on X Factor. BBC boss George
Entwistle – there are shop window dummies with more vision.
QUESTIONS: What did Lady Gaga wear for Halloween? Is Simon
Cowell storing nuts for the winter? What’s limper, Brucie’s
Strictly jokes or Richard Arnold’s handshake?
MY new book Time For Action about the Mod Revival is out now
and I have ONE (worth £9.99) to give away to the first seven
correct entries drawn out of the hat. Just tell me who were
a 1979 Mod band: a) Love Affair b) Secret Affair or c) Victoria’s
Secret? Answer on a postcard by Wednesday to Garry’s Mod Contest,
PO Box 10220, Sutton Coldfield, B76 1ZH. Usual Daily Star Sunday
rules apply. Time For Action is published by Countdown Books
and is on sale only in HMV.