BUSHELL ON THE BOX
Sept 27. So Julian Fellowes has bottled it. By ending Downton Abbey on New Year's Eve 1925, he swerves major class war dramas like the General Strike and the Great Depression. Not to mention those awkward home visits from the Mosleys... As it is, the Earl has more money worries than Volkswagen. Most aristos are cutting staff and he's "starting to ask how long we can go on for... " All together: about eight more episodes, guv.
Sadly, Downton has to end. If they'd kept on much longer, he'd have had to let tourists in. Degrading, yes, but think what he could have charged for a two-way mirror view into Lady Mary's boudoir...
Red Rita was a taste of things to come. The smirking Scouse chambermaid served Mary blackmail in bed, demanding a grand to keep quiet about her week of forbidden lust in Liverpool with Lord Gillingham.
Mary was shocked but you couldn't tell. The woman has the emotional range of a croquet mallet.
Liverpool was scandalous yes, but at least no Turkish diplomat died. Bizarrely the Earl got shot of Rita off-screen. Downton might have lasted longer if his Lordship cut down on the sauce. He makes Peter Barlow look like a lightweight: mid-morning Scotch, brandy with the hunt, celebration shampers... Corks popped when maid Anna was cleared of murdering her rapist after a convenient eye-witness statement from A.N. Other, also off-screen... Fellowes seems to lose interest in his own stories. Let's hope he forgets that dull hospital admin row, even if it did give the Dowager her best line – to cousin Isobel: "Does it ever get cold on the moral high ground?"
After years of certainty and unchanging tradition the creaky old favourite is facing big changes.
Yes Carson is getting wed and Mrs. Hughes, his intended, needed to know if the butler was interested in her "upstairs" and "downstairs".
Would he require "comfortable companionship"... or the full Lady Mary, possibly including an occasional visit to the tradesman's entrance?
Naturally Mrs. H couldn't ask herself – butler wouldn't melt in her mouth. It's taken her 13 years to suggest he call her Elsie. So she got Mrs Patmore, the cook and resident cream horn expert, to enquire.
Carson fumed at the very idea of living "some patter-cake friendship lie". He wanted all or nothing... which means Mrs Hughes will soon bring new meaning to the "under-butler" position. Brace yourself, Else, and bottoms up!
BREAKING up is often a massive wrench, few bigger than the one Kylie used to kill Callum on Corrie's live show.
The drug-dealer's corpse now lies mouldering beneath the Platts' new extension, Brookie style.
For all possible cracks about Gail's 'manhole of doom' see Keith Lemon.
But hold up. When did they have that garage conversion done and how did they pay for it? David and Kylie own Number 8 and a) they're not exactly rolling in it and b) they've been ever so slightly preoccupied with a blackmailing headcase.
The cast did well, sadly. The only gaffe was Craig's mic mucking up in the kebab shop; his lips moved, but no words emerged which made him look like a Cheryl Cole tribute act.
The scripts still leave much to be desired though. Under departing boss Stuart Blackburn, Corrie's warmth and humour have become as forgotten as Steve McDonald's sports car. (Although that said, when Kylie asked how many bricks they'd need to weigh down the dead dealer, David sarcastically replied: "Shall we Google it?")
Most soaps are now misery-ridden and "ishoo"-obsessed. All could do with being stripped back to two episodes a week, after a nice long rest.
*WHAT does Cathy see in Roy Cropper? Isn't it obvious? The eccentric dress sense, the peculiar views, that passionate interest in the railways... it's the Corbyn effect.
THE real Celebrity Big Brother action happened off camera. BB veteran Aisleyne Horagn-Wallace put feral Farrah in her place on Bit On The Side, calling her "horrible" and "a silly little girl".
Speaking for the entire nation, she told the toxic harpy "you've had your cheque, get on the plane and f*** off, no-one likes you here." Here, here.
It kicked off soon after. Champagne glasses were thrown, Vicki Michelle was hurt, the director cut to the show logo and Plod arrived.
All of it the inevitable result of the producers' tiresome obsession with confrontation. They book obscure Yanks with personality disorders for the sole purpose of causing ructions. It's the modern equivalent of bear-baiting – bore-baiting, with angry bores.
Yet the true joy of CBB resides in moments like George Galloway's cat task, Lee "The Rat" Ryan's love triangle and Jack Dee's break-out.
All more memorable than no-mark Austin's un-bleeped c-letter abuse of Janice Dickinson, 60. And at least we knew who they all were.
HOT on TV: Lady Weymouth... Justified (Spike)... David Neilson and Alison King, Corrie Live... Satisfaction (Sony)... Chanel Cresswell.
ROT on TV: The Naked Choir – Zzzz Factor... Peter Andre trying to be Sinatra (National Lottery Awards Show) – do-be, do-be, don't.
OUR Paul Zerdin will walk into a high-paying Las Vegas residency after winning America's Got Talent. Good for him.
Britain's young variety talent is criminally under-used by TV. There's Chloe Crawford (illusionist), Jamie Allen (magician), Francine Lewis and Jon Clegg (mimics), Steve Hewlett (vent), Rod Woodward (comedian)... Will they all have to go to the States to get recognised? A modern version of TV's old Seaside Specials would build a new generation of entertainers, and in turn produce celebs we might actually recognise.
*DR Foster shagged her husband's slippery accountant to check his finances. Talk about double-entry book-keeping. I wasn't interested in their figures, just hers. He's certified, she's certifiable... with more sizzling sex appeal than Susanna Reid. The plot might not add up, unlike the accountant, but what a taxing night.
*THEY stewed and ate a pig's head on Special Forces: Ultimate Hell. Or as Cameron might say, destroyed the evidence...
*THE BBC is shelling out £2million an episode on Troy: Fall Of A City. Let's hope they spend more than two bob on the scripts. Cost doesn't guarantee quality, as Fortitude proved.
SMALL Joys of TV: Anna's wobbling cleavage (Corrie Live). Julie Dray as Miss Blondel (Cradle To Grave). Singing In The Rain Forest. Ben Dover describing Chloe-Jasmine as "quite fit" and adding "I would ride her like a stolen bike"; I see his point but think she'd need stabilisers.
RANDOM irritations: the National Lottery Awards Show – the most insipid TV since England's 0-0 yawn-in against the Republic of Ireland. England sports teams saddled with the British national anthem. Obscure Bake-Off dishes, Mokatines sounded like tiny coffee-flavoured slippers.
SEPARATED at birth: Tom Hardy as Ronnie Kray and Mark Lamarr? One a mute and moody 50s throw-back with an edge of menace, the other a fine actor.
TV questions: Why has Frances de la Tour never competed in a continental bike race? Why does Dale Winton walk like Richard III?
Why no sitcoms in ITV's 60th celebrations? They had Rising Damp, The Grimleys, Please Sir, Brass... they can't be ashamed of them all.
Sept 20. ITV must be gutted. They commissioned a poll to find the country's favourite ITV theme tune and who won? Benny Hill! Yeah, the much-loved comedy genius who was shamefully sacked 26 years ago by... ITV. Have that, you clots!
Benny's theme, the immortal 'Yakety Sax' by Boots Randolph and Spider Rich, is one of those ditties that automatically lifts the spirits.
Just hearing the opening bars brings his joyful show-closing chase scenes flooding back.
And as former Hill's Angel Sue Upton reminded us on The Sounds Of ITV it was Benny who always got chased. Contrary to his po-faced detractors, the blokes were always the losers on The Benny Hill Show...
TV theme tunes are the trap door to the memory. The best are mood-raising, transporting us back to moments of nostalgic bliss. The Avengers' theme will always trigger flashbacks of Emma Peel and Tara King in action for men of a certain age.
While millions still recall the slightly bizarre words to The Adventures Of Robin Hood: "They handled all the trouble on the English country scene and still found plenty of time to sing... "
The Sweeney and The Professionals were my favourites – upbeat and pumping, full of promised aggression to come.
There were some surprises. The Downton theme was the only recent entry in ITV's Top Ten. Corrie came 9th and Emmerdale 17th, odd considering how often we hear them. And Dennis Waterman got into the Top Three with Minder's I Could Be So Good For You. No wonder cheerful Charlie Chisholm lost his hair. Waterman performed it on Top Of The Pops, famously going on to "write the feem toon, sing the feem toon" many times.
BBC1 should do an equivalent show, they had some belters too: Dr Who, Dad's Army, Grandstand, Morecambe & Wise... although an honest Top 30 of all TV show themes would be half Yank:
Rawhide, Bonanza, Hawaii 5-O, The Beverly Hillbillies, Bewitched, Batman, Star Trek, The Monkees... right up to Friends and The Big Bang Theory... I only had two problems with ITV's Top 20: 1) How did caterwauling Surprise Surprise get in there? 2) Where the hell was Stingray? ("Stingray! Stingray!")
*THE worst-ever TV theme tunes? All American:1) Star Trek Enterprise 2) Batgirl 3) Joanie Loves Chachi.
THIS Is England 90 was about as inspiring as Corbyn at PMQs and just as badly dressed. Yes, the rose-tinted mix of the Stone Roses, baggies, floral hats and bad drugs will hook devotees from that era, but where was the beef, where was the plot?
Shane Meadows buried the old gang's charm under humour so dire the Chuckle Brothers would have found it risible.
Instead of racism and harrowing abuse we got Woody's parents hiding his ex-boss in a cabinet.
Flip and Higgy as two clueless hard rock fans in pursuit of "sniff-banging" (me neither) was cringe-worthy. The time-line was out too. Smell wore a Hatebreed t-shirt – the band didn't form until '94.
Lol, Gadget and co didn't just have better schmutter in their skinhead and scooter boy incarnations, they had better stories too.
Vicky McClure and Joe Gilgun still sparkle but it looks unlikely that 90 will match 86 for gripping drama. It just goes to show you can get mugged down Memory Lane.
PS. What odds Shaun ends up strung out on smack?
SIMON on Doctor Foster is married to Suranne Jones, with an athletic 22-year-old girlfriend on the side – beat that Carlsberg.
Unfortunately cheating on Suranne's GP Gemma is roughly as risk-free as getting between Bob Mills and an all-you-can-eat buffet.
She's scary! My review of episode one could easily have read: Doctor Foster, go to Gloucester, find psychiatric unit and check in.
Now Gemma has added reckless driving and professional misconduct to bribery and assault. It's all about as likely as finding Charlotte Proudman on Tinder.
Gemma leaks medical secrets, gives consultations in streets and nightclubs; she interferes in patients' lives.
She'll either be struck off or adopted by the Tories as the public face of their 7-day NHS. And Simon? I'm pretty sure he'll be struck often.
HOT on TV: Frontline Fighting... Ricky Allen, Hunted... Suranne Jones... Ray Winstone... Beck (BBC4)... Ripper Street finale.
ROT on TV: Stevi and Chloe-Jasmine – the double act Facebook's dislike button was made for... The Changing Room – changing channels... Austin Armacost – remarkably full of himself for a nobody.
JENNA'S celebrity porn stories on CBB were as tasteful as Lord Bath's murals, although you could probably put up with them for longer.
The way Newsnight has dumbed down it's a wonder they don't hire her for a weekly rumpo round-up: "With the demo finally over, Diane roughly grabbed Jezza's heaving shoulders as he... " (Cut!)
*FUTURE uses for Chloe-Jasmine Number 1: lawn-sprinkler.
*STEVI'S right, he is like the Hulk – loud, dim and forever bursting out of his trousers.
*IT Was Alright In The 80s recalled the time Network 7 asked viewers if a Texan killer deserved the electric chair. We're meant to be shocked that 55% voted yes.
Robber Edward Byrne confessed to brutally battering Roberta Johnson, a 25-year-old service station cashier to death with a ball peen hammer. Isn't the real shock that 45% wanted to keep the creep alive?
*JIMMY Rose double-crossed a drug dealer whose vicious criminal firm know exactly where he and his family live... and then made no attempt to move house. Not too sure that's a happy ending.
*THE BBC plan to revive Citizen Smith. Why? Writer John Sullivan is dead and Wolfie appears to be busy leading the Labour Party.
SMALL Joys of TV: Backstrom. Francine Lewis. Romesh thanking "positive discrimination" for his easy questions on Celeb 15-To-1. Kiera Weathers (X Factor). Eva's return (Corrie). Paul Zerdin winning America's Got Talent.
RANDOM irritations: Lisa Nandy's lisp. Stevi Ritchie's revolting mankini. James Hill weeping after Gail's long over-due CBB eviction. Clare Balding copping £2.6million a year of our cash for her woeful procession of flops.
SEPARATED at birth: Farrah Abraham and Princess Jasmine? One an insubstantial two-dimensional creation incapable of rational thought, the other a Disney character.
TV maths: Johnny Vegas + ginger wig = Eve (Great British Menu).
*THEY'RE making a gay version of detective series Hart To Hart. Wouldn't Dragnet make more sense?
*TV questions: when did EastEnders solicitor Marcus become a barrister? Why is Doc Martin so angry? Is it because he's read the scripts? Why are the women in the Always ad so bloody happy?
And when someone Amish has a bright idea does a small candle light up above their heads?
Sept 13. Why would you remake Lady Chatterley's Lover without the filth?
It's like Doctor Who without Daleks or Snow White with no dwarfs.
Why remake it at all when the 1993 version got it so right?
That had Sean Bean as horny-handed Mellors and Joey Richardson as the upper class English rose whose hand was never far from his horn.
While they romped naked in the rain, this new po-faced, PC version dropped female nudity altogether. We saw Richard Madden shirtless, but Holliday Grainger might as well have worn a burqa.
D.H. Lawrence's steamy saga is about forbidden lust between frustrated aristocrat Constance and her bolshy but randy gamekeeper. How did a novel banned for its boldness inspire TV so covered up and coy?
No bodices were ripped in the making of this travesty. Their soft-focus shagging was as flaccid as her unfortunate hubby's equipment.
War hero Lord Clifford's terrible injuries in the WWI trenches meant he couldn't satisfy Connie in the bedroom, symbolising the impotency of England's ruling elite – noble with no balls.
He even refused her plea for Connie-lingus.
Everything that once shocked about Lawrence's book – the swearing, class hatred, rampant female sexuality – is utterly commonplace now.
Natch Jed Mercurio's script only kept the class war intact. Stuck-up Cliff wasn't just paralyzed from the waist down but from the neck up.
"She's a servant! It's not as if she's a person," he snapped, to emphasise his snobbishness.
Mercurio messed with other elements too. The gamekeeper's dirty talk went down the gurgler, though he did ask her to "open up her gate" for "John Thomas" (for a toll-gate, see Belle de Jour).
Jed cut the scene where Mellors adorns Connie with forget-me-nots in a place nowadays more associated with wax and razors.
He played down Mellors' cheating wife and Connie's would-be beau, gave the gamekeeper gas-damaged lungs and changed the ending. Lady C didn't live with her sister; his estranged missus didn't get him the tin-tack... and the result was still a great steaming sack of so-what.
Madden (Games of Thrones' Robb Stark) convinced as the chippy bit of rough raging at the status quo. But Holliday Grainger never seemed sexy enough to make Mellors risk all to be with her.
She's like most holiday destinations, a great place to visit but you wouldn't want to stop long.
RE that panto replacing Snow White's dwarfs with "friends", is their new song "Hey ho, hey ho, it's on the dole we go?"
*WHY doesn't Julian Fellowes update his stately home TV saga for the Yanks? Straight Outta Downton would feature B.W.A. – Butlers With Attitude. In episode one gangsta Bates shows the Dowager his banger.
WAS it really so wrong for dancers Legs & Co to dress as school-girls on Top Of The Pops? Most male viewers would have been actual schoolboys at the time and grateful for the image.
The problem with It Was Alright In The 70s (and 80s) is it lacks context. It wheels on fashionable media plums to pretend to be shocked by old clips that really aren't that shocking.
Certainly not compared to highlights from the more "enlightened" noughties like Rebecca Loos pleasuring a pig (2004) or Kinga pleasuring herself with a red wine bottle (2005).
Which was disgraceful; everyone knows it's white wine with fish.
C4 pick apart classic shows like Porridge and the Professionals to find bits deemed "unacceptable" by today's hypocritical, right-on, middle class moralists.
Was Sid James really more "offensive" than David Walliams playing an old biddy who can't stop wetting herself in public, the same cretinous joke repeated week in week out? You decide.
Then we had saucy postcard humour, now it's murder porn, Oxbridge comedians and oestrogen-driven prime time commissions. Gertcha.
BOBBY Davro told Farrah Abraham straight: "No amount of lip-gloss will ever disguise the ugliness inside you." Ouch.
Some say Bobby was too harsh, but he could've followed through with a drone strike for all I care. Farrah has torn more strips off people than Hannibal Lector. She had it coming.
Celebrity Big Brother bosses clearly feel that angry, puffed-up Yanks shouting their foul mouths off makes great telly. It doesn't. It's tedious. And poor Gail takes it hard (although not as hard as Jenna did in those films).
No wonder Chris Ellison moaned: "I never want to hear another f***ing American accent again... the first American I meet out there, I'm going to chin the ****." Proper Burnside!
If he'd said that to their faces he'd still be in there.
HOT on TV: Rectify (AMC)... Rita Gedmintas, The Strain (Watch)... Dwayne Johnson, Ballers (Sky At).
ROT on TV: Tess Daly – she is to entertainment what Paul Nicholls is to healthy living... Bake Off – staler than the Doc Martin scripts... Boy Meets Girl – Show Needs Laughs.
GP Gemma bribes a patient with prescription drugs to spy on her cheating husband on Doctor Foster.
And then turns vigilante to turf the patient's abusive boyfriend out of their house, stabbing him with a fag when he cuts up rough.
If you get home visits like that on the NHS what do get with BUPA?
Suranne Jones sparkles but the script's trip from sublime to ridiculous was quicker than David Walliams' divorce.
*FUGITIVES must evade a crack surveillance team on Hunted. Nitwit Emily kept ringing home! If I'd been co-runner Lauren I'd have turned her in myself.
*HOW to really avoid detection: join the Lib Dems, merge with the next truck-load of migrants, win The Voice...
*STRICTLY returned with some geezer singing Putting On The Ritz badly. He was wearing a white tux and a mutant deerstalker that looked nearly as ridiculous as Claudia's fringe.
This format is starting to wheeze like Jimmy Rose after a rumba.
*PAUL Nicholls is a crack fiend! Shocking yes, but how else could he be expected to sit through his old EastEnders episodes?
SMALL Joys of TV: Helen Mirren vs Parky (It Was Alright In The 70s). Dave Gorman on "the death of surprise". Peter Dean's cameo (Cradle To Grave). Scarlett Moffatt (Gogglebox). Van Morrison – Up On Cyprus Avenue.
RANDOM irritations: Cloth-eared X Factor judges. Emma Thompson. Celebrity travelogues. Celebs re-writing their life stories as drama at our expense. CBB engineering a fake "fake eviction" twist just to keep foul Farrah in the house.
SEPARATED at birth: Mary Berry and Bram Stoker's Dracula? One an ancient force for evil with an insatiable appetite, the other stars in a horror film.
TV questions: what the hell has Bob Mills been eating?
Does anyone singing "Wider still and wider" at the Proms actually believe it?
And Zak Dingle's trilby – is it a courtesy loan while his old cheese-cutter is in for its 30,000 mile oil change?
Sept 6. One great over-blown arse dominated the week on Celebrity Big Brother, but more about Paul Burrell later. Jenna Jameson's fake butt is nearly as peculiar.
This ugly structure is huge enough for you to park a hamper on. It's the second Silicon Valley. And it teaches us all a vital lesson: no matter who you are, cosmetic surgery makes you look ridiculous.
That mum and daughter who blew £56K to "look like Katie Price" ended up looking ridiculous. Pete Burns looks ridiculous.
Farrah Abraham on the other hand simply is ridiculous. Farrah is so unreasonable she makes the Daleks seem like Hare Krishnas. The woman could pick a fight with her own shadow.
Janice Dickinson's "work" has left her looking like an exile from The Walking Dead, but at least she's funny. The "fit" she threw after her bee sting was Oscar worthy.
But why is Farrah even here? How is she qualified? Her only talent was to have got knocked up under-age.
We're told the house needs confrontation. It actually needs interesting inmates. And this self-absorbed bore divides her time between bitching and endlessly applying make-up.
Daniel, the lesser-known Baldwin with that beard like a soot-stained merkin, went first. He wound up the other housemates too.
They reckon he's loud and arrogant, but maybe he's just wondering how the definition of fame got stretched to include so many desperate losers.
Stevi and Chloe aren't a convincing couple let alone credible celebs. She has more issues than Readers Digest and his pink speedos have traumatized a generation.
Deluded James and Austin don't qualify either but at least they stand up for themselves occasionally.
Most of the Brits are either having a bad edit or are too dull to merit screen time. Memo to bookers: actors are rarely as interesting as their characters. Only Tash and Davro are holding their own.
There was a slim chance slimy ex-Palace butler Burrell could steal the show. And then presumably produce a note from the Queen to get him off the hook.
It was smart to make the Brits "royal" and the Septics "servants" but it'd be smarter to fill the house with genuinely recognisable people and screen the series before X Factor starts.
*ODD. Ex-porn star Jenna's strictly kosher diet didn't apply to the non-kosher red wine. And she never seemed to have a problem with pork...
IN The Trials Of Jimmy Rose, Ray Winstone plays an armed robber who comes out of jug after a 12-stretch to find his world has changed.
His loot is lost, his granddaughter's on smack, and his wife Jackie has gone off him.
The not-so sexy beast can't even use cash on the bus anymore. Get a freedom pass the driver advises. "I could've done with one of them 12 years ago," Jimmy mutters.
He's a washed-up has-been with nothing to look forward to except a minimum wage zero-hours contract in a DIY store, until Ellie's heroin predicament gives him his swagger back.
He tracks her down, breaks her out of her junkie squat and warns the drug dealers operating from a pizza joint not to serve her.
Naturally they leave him more stuffed than their crusts. He's lucky they don't decide he needs topping.
Every Winstone fan in the country now wants Jimmy to win back respect the hard way, Harry Brown style. Don't disappoint us, ITV.
THE great Peter Kay plays Londoner Spud Baker in Cradle To Grave. Why?
Kay's a fine comedian but his Cockney accent feels as authentic as the Stevi-Chloe showmance.
Docker Spud, father of brilliant broadcaster Danny Baker, was part Del-Boy, part Alf Garnett; a man who did for Bermondsey's black economy what the Ashley Madison leak did for divorce lawyers.
Sadly stories that tickle in Danny's memoir, fall pancake flat on screen. The book's warmth and charm are squandered.
HOT on TV: Backstrom (Fox)... Emma Willis... The Story Of The Jam (Sky Arts)... The Catch.
ROT on TV: weepy, whining Chloe Jasmine (CBB) – grow up or go home... Paul Burrell – self-serving slime-ball... How The Rich Get Hitched – enough to make you vote Corbyn.
THE Falling Skies finale was wetter than the Notting Hill Carnival. The evil Espheni queen rabbited on to Tom for so long he had time to bump her off with a virus (see War Of The Worlds, Independence Day etc).
She looked disturbing like a cross between Doctor Who's Spider Queen and the even more terrifying Janice Dickinson (currently starring as A Nightmare In Elstree).
To rub it in she was voiced by Tricia Helfer, from the genuine sci-fi classic Battlestar Gallactica.
*RECENT telly let-downs: Hand Of God, Yentob not resigning, The Affair finale, The Voice axing Tom Jones, Grimshaw bringing sod all to X Factor... all of them surpassed by TV's collective failure to turn Carol Vorderman's recently revealed penchant for running naked on a treadmill into a pay-per-view series.
*STAN'S ashes were swapped for custard on EastEnders. Well he was always one for Birds. Dean's the one who needs dream topping...
*I LOVE Mick's slang, but what did he mean about finding his late Dad "double reef with a barmaid"? Physically entwined or actually tied up? Bondage remains the love that dare not speak its name in soaps.
*CORRIE has asked to suspend belief a lot, but £250 for a Lorraine Kelly photo? Get out of here! Not even if she kept her clothes on for it.
*IT was pitta week on Bake Off. Ugne moaned "I think I'm going to come last... " but then cheered up saying "I doubled the size, I think that's what I needed". Thank god they've moved on from all that tiresome innuendo.
*WOMEN were described as "the silent sex" on BBC2. Tell it to Janet Street-Porter.
SMALL Joys of TV: Fatman Scoop's "Who the f*** cares?" chant on CBB. Navy Seal Ray Care and his catchphrase "Die first and then quit" (Special Forces: Ultimate Hell Week). John Cooper Clarke. Zombie Gloria (Fear The Walking Dead) – bite me!
RANDOM irritations: skeletal Cheryl wanting to gag anyone who mentions how painfully thin she is. You're a role model, pet, belt up and eat a pie. The Beeb spelling Calcutta "Kolkata" – why? We don't spell Rome Roma or Naples Napoli. Peter Kay's moody south London accent.
*SEPARATED at birth, CBB special: Stevi Ritchie and Droopy the cartoon dog. Runners-up: Gail Porter/the original Uncle Fester; Janice Dickinson/Steve Tyler; Fatman Scoop (minus hair)/Ernie Klump; Paul Burrell/a fat Tom Hanks.
TV Maths: Eddie Izzard in drag + a lot of pies = Joy Ballard, Educating Cardiff